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The monster comes at night
And attacks me in my bed
I'm unable to get away
So I disappear into my head

I'm haunted by the monster
And the familiarity of their face
In my head I'm not their victim
I'm an astronaut in outer space

I no longer am held captive
By the confines of my room
I just keep repeating to myself
That there's no monsters on the moon

You told him you loved him.

He told me "I was doing it for us"

You told him you loved him.

He told me “She was just a hole to stick it in”

You told him you loved him

He told me “She was easy”

You told him you loved him.

He told me “I did what I had to”

You told him you loved him.

He told me “She meant nothing”

You told him you loved him.

He told me “She could have been anyone”

You told him you loved him.

He told me "The sex wasn't good"

You told him you loved him.

He told me “I had to think of you when I was with her”

You told him you loved him

He told me “I love you”

To me and everyone else you were always Alex C.

I fell in love with Alex C.

I married Alex C.

I travelled with Alex C.

I wanted children with Alex C.

Alex C. Told me I was his everything

Alex C. Told me he could never hurt me

Alex C. Told me I was the only one for him

Alex C. Vowed to be loyal to me forever

My Husband Alex C.

Then one day you were Alexander.

I cried because of Alexander

I broke because of Alexander

I lost my love because of Alexander

I have a hole in my heart because of Alexander.

Alexander knowingly hurt me, more than anyone has hurt me in my life.

Alexander did unspeakable things to me

Alexander broke his vows

Alexander gave himself to someone else.

A whore’s lover, Alexander. 

You told everyone you wanted to be Alexander but no one listened. Is that still what you want Alexander?

What am I to make of who I am?
I can't blame tomorrow for yesterday
Here I am, already fingering blame
Convicting something that has yet to happen

I'm charging the hands of time
That has still to be announced
With a list of thought crimes
Of having cursed us, having lied
From us, having stolen itself
Telling us we had more than was left

I'm charging the hands of time
With a list of thought crimes
I'm locking the future up
With those that I never forgave

What am I to make of who I am?
If I can only become this man
Here I am, all ready to ruin the day
Guaranteeing agar agar for Misery to breed

In rage,
I've kidnapped the charms of life
Blindly,
Somehow, I've ended up
With a knife in my hand
The knife to it's neck
Tomorrow's pleading eyes
Snapping me out of it
I was about to kill a kid
Because he could become a Hitler

I'm charging the hands of time
That has still to be announced
With a list of thought crimes
Of having cursed us, having lied
From us, having stolen itself
Telling us we had more than was left

I'm charging the hands of time
With a list of thought crimes
I'm locking the future up
With those that I never forgave

I'm sorry, Tomorrow
Forgive me, today
I should have forgiven you
Yesterday

A mind so innocent

Corrupted

But the feeling so magnificent

A mind so confused

Used

And flat out abused

It did not feel

What it was supposed to

It all became too unreal

Emotions shoved away

Masked with anger and hate

They always felt justified

It were the emotions that lied

Those little hands were tied

Manipulated by the obscene

A corrupted mind

Didn't exactly want them to be free

A mind, once innocent

Was lured into a darkness

It all started in that basement

Where the emotions were too much to harness

Itching

It's twitching

Deepp within my mind

This dark pit

can't hold it

Spreading deep inside

Disable

Destable

My mind is getting weak

Evolving

Unfolding

Breaking the hold i try to keep

Embolding

Controlling

The perversive inner thoughts

Intrusive

Abusive

Memory illusion perception distorts

Disdain

Self Pain

I must refrain

Impose

Dispose

Swim through bloodstain

Murder

Must hurt her

Must Ignore this urge

Elusive

Conclusive

What does Death deserve

I hide her

A minor

No name no life no age

Dead

In her bed

Except upon a written page

It always demands a sacrifice

It - or - They demand a deal

They are the devil at the crossroads waiting for a soul to steal

The choices of the seven deadly sins

Which one will you choose?

Lust

Gluttony

Greed

Sloth

Wrath

Envy

Pride

It consumes the light, but in return fills with dark pleasure acting as a temporary high; a short-lived fix that like acid burns.

Fourteen years ago today tragedy struck and my life has never been the same

I remember it like it was yesterday

Within seconds it was all over and I knew that it was gonna be the last time ...

For everything

Blunt force trauma to the head

On life support ... no brain activity

She's brain dead

She's taken off life support

This is not how I imagined saying goodbye

She'd just turned 3 and I'd just turned 5

I'd been forced to take on the mother-like role before it was my time

But I didn't care because as far as I was concerned, I was her mother

Through no fault of our own, we were robbed of our childhood and our innocense

He has no conscience

No remorse

He's a fuckin' sociopath

"We, the jury, find Donnell Joseph Demetrius Dutch guilty of felony murder."

He escapes the death penalty and life in prison

He's sentenced to 40 to 50 years in prison with the possibility of parole; (over my dead body) plus an additional 17 years for negligence and he has to do half of that 40 to 50 year sentence before he's eligable for parole

He's dying in prison

I don't know if he's came to that realization yet,

But on everything I love

I will ensure that he spends the rest of his days behind bars

It's not a threat

It's a promise

R.I.P. Layla La'Chelle Randolph (Mogwai)

April 9, 1999 - May 5, 2002

"Guardian Angel"

6 weeks 3 days and 4 hours.  Less than 2 months and life has been redesigned around me.  Mother now patient, child now carer, home now prison, hospital now home.  Every day the probabilities evolve and normality changes.  Prognoses masking people behind the portion of each percent. 

Each day at a time.  Each life sucking, drawn out, cancer filled day.  Fighting to climb out of the miasma of everything to do with the disease, desperate to see glimpses of an old reality around it.  How do you deal with something this outrageously huge and unfair?

You do. 

You draw on the visceral core of what it is to be human.  To survive. 

This battle has only just had it's lines drawn.  We are outnumbered 4 to 1.  And if our surgeon decides the battle is not, on balance, to our benefit 3/4 of our troops leave with him.  20% chance we stand relatively whole, enemy slain in 5 years.  If we fight alone it's 5%.  No general would authorise this fight, but they are not in charge.  It is the common people, clawing until their last breath breath to protect the loved ones and way of life they leave behind.

Chemical warfare and targeted strikes.  Lots of collateral damage.  Many times ahead, looking at the suffering and doubting this is worthwhile. 

Each day at a time.  Each painful, nauseous, fearful day.  To survive.