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When in doubt, take a knife

Slice it across the vein along the wrist

Don't go soft, make it count

Make that shit bleed

Watch as it pours over the skin

Do you feel it?

Do you feel any different?

Probably not!

Feeling that coldness along your cheeks

That's still not enough

The tiled floor is within reach

Do you feel it?

Do you feel different?

Probably not!

The knife is still within your hand 

Slide it along both your thighs 

Make it bleed

Come on now

Don't be a baby

You want it to go away

You know how to do it

Not once, not twice, three times is nice

You're beginning to feel it now

All that pain is starting to ease

The wall is crumbling

The salt pouring along your lips

Yes, let it all out

If this isn't enough and you've had enough

Let the cold water cover the skin

Relax and lay back

Let it all out

Take your last breath cause it's time

Now you are going cold

Do you feel any better?

I'm sure you do

No more pain

No more complaints and disappointments

No more worries 

Now just hope you end up where you want to go

Tied to what is just too far

Far gone too late to stay

Still life still lies underwater
And above it? What is left in the shadowy

Light, the light, O light could not hold on

Reeds sliver under a full moon
Choreographed by the hues of sunset

How could you not love the concentric
Ripples, that must, O God dissipate

Can you see they fulfilled their promise?
At least a broken man became their final witness, and in his rotten timber,

Grey Cat, they called him
By hell I don't know, no-one got passed the
Stutter.

But tonight, under the silver moon
He waits for the last of civil twilight
The last call of the Loons
Of course they'll be back.

But Ol Grey Cat, who holds his 12 Guage tight
Tight, tighter,

You know the say the sunrise out on the lake this morning was pastel beauty - And boy,

I'm sure glad Ol Grey Cat got to draw every last colour into his Soul.

(c) 2022 Nick Purdon. For Grey Cat. 1942 - 2003

I’m down, I’m down, I’m down,

And you want me,

Only when I’m stumbling,

Do they seem to want me,

Three points of contact on the window pain,

If I jump I won’t feel no pain,

Pouring my pills down the drain,

The bottle keeping me sane,

I won’t stop until I feel happy again,

Are you down, down, down,

Girl if there is people around just tell me you want me,

Even if the music is loud just tell me you want, tell me you want me,

My feet off the ground,

I don’t know how,

To start coming down,

I wanna give up,

But it costs too much.

I just want you to want, want you to want meee,

And put your hand upon my shoulder,

Pull me down and tell me it’s over,

Because I don’t wanna feel, wanna feel being sober,

And if you don’t hold me safe, it’s gonna be over,

I already see my brains on the pavement,

And I don’t wanna leave the one person I came with…

Yea yea yea,

Down, down, are you for me,

Just tell me you want, tell me you want me.

When I nose-dive into the oblivion

Trembling, 

I was born 41 years ago today, 

A waste of life is what it's been.

I've never felt so worthless, I wish I didn't feel this way. 

It's true though. I've never been good enough for anyone, 

I'm a horrible mother and the worst girlfriend you could imagine. 

Life as me isn't much fun. 

I wish I could throw these feelings out the door. 

Find sunshine among the darkness and gloom 

Smile and laugh once more. 

But it all feels so pointless right now. 

Like I'll never smile again

I wish I Weren't a coward somehow

I'd make all this pain go away. 

I'd bite the bullet and grab a gun

And never see another birthday. 

Full speed, fantasy about being under my own tires, expressing myself getting even harder, Nowhere2go, not enough prayer for you, your mind is tainted and no one will ever love you, Dancing in holy white, hoping I get her attention, driving fast, gma come get me, fantasy about being under your tires, expressing myself getting impossible, the army saving my life, there are times where I breathe and I feel like im losing my life, my lungs are expiring and I'm gasping for air, and niggas around me can't even tell, Danielle, I hate that I still love her, fuck it, I'll see her in hell, I'm falling for a girl, who is the same, Jesus take the wheel, nowhere2go, there is, not enough prayer for you, I've spent my whole life depressed, I wanna end myself, my silence is golden as fuck, when I seem happy, people don't have to look, the shadows where they dwell, in the light wishing me well, I can't see and I'm paranoid, drowning myself in addiction hoping I blend in, I've been home for only a few days, and it sinks in, and it sinks in, no one loves you, nowhere2go.. I've spent all my life depressed.. thinking about death.. hoping my time is next.

Down the drain

By jfarrell

What do you want me to say?

I tried to live my life your way.

Ignore the anger, forget the pain,

Get knocked down, just to get up again.

Aspire to conform,

Telling no-one where I’m from.

Fitting in, don’t stand out

Don’t give them anything to shout about.

I tell you, it’s insane,

As I watch my life slide down the drain.

I try so hard to keep it together,

Like my horses, closely tethered;

Pay my bills, go to work

I play blind, as you treat me like a jerk.

Cutting names and snide remarks,

The Wolf inside wants to bite, not bark;

My teeth want to tear and rip

The Wolf within wants, from your blood, to sip.

I tell you, it’s insane,

As I watch my life flow down the drain.

I know a peace waits for me;

The pain I feel… I will be free;

I know there is a place… where I really belong…

The journey there…. not overly long;

A nick here, a slash there…

Well… we all know life isn’t fair;

My blood pools around me like a flower,

Lying here in the shower.

I tell you, I’m not insane,

As I give my life to the drain.

Each moment, struggling to swim,

The sun is over; the light dims,

My hands grasp the jagged rocks,

Familiar feeling of faint fury--

stuck in a loop

stuck in a loop.

Rest as the waves lap,

look up and see 

the climb ahead 

again

Memory serves anguish

knowing each climb has been

slow and when it seems over

the tide comes roaring in

to claim its victim back

to its dark blue depths

the cold is setting in 

and I'll climb again

The climb, easy now,

The top, close,

Fingertips reaching and 

desperation, sets in 

Navy blue screaming to

Bring back its body

a smile sweeps across

as salty water erupts

At least I know this is 

the last climb. 

Maybe you are right Sally. Maybe I should never have expected anything more. Maybe it's hard because it's not meant for me. I am tired of fighting this. So here on the bathroom floor, while everyone else is sleeping peacefully not knowing about the complete failure I am, I give up. That's it, no more fight left in me, no more speed Scotty. I gave 'er all she's got, it wasn't enough.

I wasn't meant for greatness. No glory shown for me. I have always been a extra, straining to been seen in the shot. I was never the star. Not all mathletes are scientists and not everyone in drama club will see Broadway. I am not as special as I think. Someone has to loose this race. You said I shouldn't have even showed. I wish I hadn't.

I am all out of fight. My tank is on empty. I'm learning to be ok with being left behind. I was not designed for distance. My mother's old station wagon couldn't have gotten me very far anyway. I will live and die in the same jeans I wore to my high school graduation. Surviving is taking all that I have. I am not one to thrive. I am the nameless body that the TV detective pulls from the water. I am the understudy to the back-up dancers.

You told me this, Sally. You warned me all along. You hurt me only because I didn't listen. You were trying not to cause this pain. You said I wasn't good enough and I wasn't. You said I would fall and I did. I am not the star to shine but the black behind it, giving contrast to the light. I am the one that brings the little water bottles for the people that actually ran the race.

Leave me here, Sally. In the bathroom at 3am. I'll practice my losing face in the mirror. When someone else takes the trophy I'll be supportive and grateful to even be in the room. Sally, I'm done. I'm fine. I think the last of my defiance bleed out of me hours ago. It's now staining the floor and turning brown.

You were right. You are always right. That's why I hate you, Sally. But at least you're honest with me. You didn't try to sugar coat it. You said I would fail and now here I am, on the bathroom floor talking to nobody. Losing a argument with the crack in the tile, and willing myself to fade into the outdated wallpaper.

I can see my future laid out like a storyboard. I'll get up. I'll wash my face. I'll go to bed. I'll go to work. I'll grow old. I'll die. The stone will read "here lies the girl that say behind you in algebra". The obituary will say "have a nice summer... in the afterlife". I don't mind. Really. I was never part of this life, I was only ever part of the set.

Thank you for always being there for me, Sally. Always watching my back. Never lifting me up because you knew I'd fall back down. You were not a nice friend but you were a good one.

I think I found one drop of rebellion in me. One. I think I can fight what I was meant to be. Two. I will not live a life of nothing. Three. I will not spend one more day hating who I am. Four. I am taking charge, I am writing my own ending. Five. No more, Sally, no more late nights on the floor. Six. No more trying and failing. Seven. No more reaching and not  coming close. Eight.  I'll miss you Sally. Nine. But then you are coming with me, right? Ten. Ten pills should be enough. Better make it twenty. Goodbye, Sally.