love

easy/complex

Folder: 
2022

I can do things your past can’t.

the good, the bad, the in between

not that you are

a game or a prize

but just that I want everything and

I’m only human when I see tears

I just want to put you in a corner

 

someone told me once

exhaustion is being stuck in an emotion

I feel it

when I get

hot and angry

turn into

some sort of spikes

shoot them at the moon

 

I am

some sort of swelling you can’t undo

I will never catch up to the memories

 

I wake to loneliness so sure of itself

I turn into fists

that never land anywhere

go to bed

so tired again

that I can’t sleep

 

I am waiting for a light to turn on that does not have a switch

I have crescents worn into my palms

because I like to tell myself I am better than a blade

but I am not quite better than this

 

all the milestones feel like boulders

I have been

stacking up on the top of this hill

fuck I am so fucking sick of running

hoping they will not catch me

 

so

yes it is not quite that I am

angry

or longing

or murderous

or jealous

or just fucking tearing myself apart

 

it is not quite that I love you

that I’m human

that so were you

 

it is not quite that I’m ready

for the silence to catch up to me

for all these ghosts to go

 

it is not quite that I am

afraid you will leave me

 

it is that I am

afraid you will want to and won’t

 

afraid I am every part of the building blocks you have been searching for

but they have been assembled all wrong

 

afraid I am half of every column in this house of gods

and still you will have nothing to stand on

 

afraid I will climb and climb and never make it

 

afraid you have invited me in

and I pulled the door off its hinges on the way in

 

afraid I will never stop seeing his face through your memory

or stop falling asleep to all the one liners that live in my head

 

afraid I will love you with two hands

one I was born with and

one I have carefully created through all these comparisons

 

afraid I will never stop trying to build myself into a hybrid

something you could want in those lives you used to dream of

someone you could stay with when the world walks backwards

 

and if I finally succeed

afraid I will leave me stranded on the floor when I am gone

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 9/7/22

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Aking Kaagapay (in Tagalog language)








Aking Kaagapay

 

 

 

 

Tila siya ang babaeng parang

hangin para sa aking hininga


Dagliang ito ay mahirap makita



Magiging kasundo sa
lahat ng bagay,
para bang damit

na bumabagay


Puwede bang
isipin na si babae ay
parang isang paboritong

kanta?


Puwede rin ba na si babae ay

maging parang

mga titik sa

librong binabasa?


Kung puwede lang sana..

na ganun nga

at makakasundo
sa maraming bagay—


Matatawag si babae na

aking kaagapay—








If Only

Verse 1:

If only I had more time,

Home would not seem so far.

I’m so far from home.

Did you forget you were my home?

Cause home is whenever we’re together.

I don’t know what to say or where to begin.

I won’t trade our love for anything.

No one will love you better than me.

 

Chorus:

If only we could getaway,

Home is a feeling I’ve buried in you.

I’m alright. I’m alright.

It only hurts when lies are believed to be true.

Freedom is shattering the lies

And making way for the truth.

I’ll be your anchor. I’ll be your everything.

If only we could be together, for eternity.

 

Verse 2:

If only I could be the one to guide you home,

The ocean waves crash onto shore.

The waves wipe away the messages in sand

That I’m trying to send to you.

If only we’ll become each other’s anchor,

Home will not seem so far.

Home is a feeling we’ve buried in each other.

If only time was on our side.

 

Bridge:

Are you ready to give your love to me?

Are you ready to make me your home?

Cause I’ve been thinking lately,

That you could be the one

That could save me from the misery.

If only, right here, right now,

We could become each other’s everything.

Home is a feeling we’ve built in each other.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

One of the many songs in book 4 that I'm currently working on.

tanging ang puso ay magsumamo (in Tagalog language)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

tanging ang puso ay magsumamo

 

 

 

palagi raw matamis
ang "oo";
marami-rami
ang nagsasabing
kakilala ko

 

biglang tingin,
biglang liwanag—
mga awitin nating
nababanaag!

 

—kumusta ka
lahing bituin?
kay tanyag mong
piliin—

 

sana lang—sa
hapon na ito,
tanging ang puso
ay magsumamo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

half truths/half awake

Folder: 
2022

half awake

I’ve never been one for coffee but

I curve to the beat of your heart like it’s a mug

 

and I play an addict

always reaching for you

 

spend midnight smiling into your mouth

 

the world is full of

idealists & artists

trying to put our mouths on something real

 

when the bias is just cloudless skies

I want to say I find melody in every sound

but really there is not much to this quiet

until we

expand

 

they tell me you are mood and music

I just want to walk the story

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/1/22

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tags:

A LOVING CHOICE

June 12th came and went yesterday…I imagine to most people it was just another date.

But like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays it’s a day we should all celebrate.

 

This day’s history began in Virginia with Mildred Jeter and Richard Loving who fell in love and thought it would be great to marry and spend their life together…but this was 1958.

 

Back then it was against the law in Virginia for them to marry…Yes, Virginia law said they didn’t have the right…because Mildred…well she was black…and Richard…he was white.

 

So they got married in Washington D.C…you see…it was legal over there…but when they returned to Virginia they were arrested…and knowing it wasn’t fair…

 

they pleaded their case to a judge in Virginia…alas…to no avail…the judge found them guilty and sentenced them to spend the next three years in jail.

 

But the judge did give them a choice…which wan’t as just as it appears…they could serve their three years in jail…or leave Virginia for 25 years.

 

Given the choice of imprisonment or banishment it wasn’t hard to see why Mildred and Richard decided to stay married…and moved to Washington D. C.

 

Although they were legally married in Washington D. C…legally husband and wife…they missed their families, faced discrimination and wanted a better life.

 

So Mildred wrote a letter explaining their predicament…their particular point of view…and sent it off to Bobby Kennedy (our Attorney General) who gave it to the ACLU.

 

The ACLU decided to take up the Loving’s cause and lend the Loving’s their voice…for they believed, as many still do, who we marry and where we live should be every American’s choice.

 

After a nine year struggle through the courts Mildred and Richard finally had a victory to savor when on June 12, 1967 every Supreme Court Justice decided in their favor.

 

Which is why June 12th every year I find it appropriate to say…with Mildred and Richard in my heart…Happy Loving Day.

 

Happy Loving Day…it has such a nice ring to it…let me say it again…Happy Loving Day…the day our Supreme Court decided all Americans can be married…

unless…of course…you were gay.

 

That day would come on June 26th…it would have been nice if there were only two weeks in between…but the Supreme Court didn’t make that decision…until 2015!

 

In light of recent decisions…it is more important than ever we celebrate every day as Loving Day…and ensure that this Supreme Court doesn’t take these choices away.

 
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Definitions

Folder: 
2022

empathy

I am human in the way of being you.

I am you in the way of being human.

I am human in the way that a lit match is a firework and the ocean is a pond.

 

birds, as kites

I watch you run with me, with us, with the risks we take every day, and it keeps crashing & floating & I feel like a bird

I watch from the ground as you and us and all the birds take flight.

 

anger

I do not feel like you

I feel as you

and my head is too too too full

I want to break all the walls until they are crystals, they are fixed again

until you are mine again.

I want to destroy, I am some kind of fist or candle.

I do not have any shallow left in me

I am drowning in reverence of this hate.

 

breathing

I’m still not sure how.

 

love

how to start?

not caring, or caring too much.

memories you want to live again.

throwing all of me into a song.

messing up again.

over and over.

hope.

 

missing/lonely

ache.

a hangover of strangers.

 

how to die

live.

 

how to not die

just keep living.

 

life

something I am

thrust into

  on

     this

         slide

and I wouldn’t choose it

but I have no other wants

than to be here and there and everywhere,

take it all in,

all at once.

it is burning

and freezing,

it is a squeeze to my heart.

 

how to almost die

fall again,

for everyone,

over and over.

 

rough edges

I feel more real at night,

less me and more pure alive

the dark has diluted something in my soul

I am made entirely of sparks

and if you touch me I just

might

splinter

 

poetry

does it ever occur to you

that the clouds are made of
the same parts as the ocean

and i can fly

or dive way down deep

quiet wondering

 

loss

scared we’ll get to a place

where all we have in common is

remember when

 

longing

that pit in my stomach when you leave

like I am missing something that isn’t there,

that I created

I am seeing fire in

not even embers

not even ashes

a pit of empty

it is letting myself love without the fear of falling

it is catching myself on a lifeline made of almosts

 

the collapsing of hearts

all of the above

 

poetry

fuck it I’m full of art

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/13/22

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Afraid to love again!

Afraid to love again!    

Back when i was married i didnt know love would hurt like this
my mind became a cold dark place of which i couldnt dismiss
i tried to change him into a better man but that was all in vain
its hard to think of love these days because im afraid to love again
i spent a lot of lonely years building up a wall all around my heart
but that didnt help me no not one bit and it wasnt vert smart
it was all i could think to do for my heart to keep away the pain
because to try again would be a mistake afraid to love again
and as the years came and went my lonelyness grew and grew
as i watched others it made me realize finding love was overdo
so stepping out of my comfort zone i broke that proverbial chain
then i smile and say to myself no longer afraid to love again

 

        Zoeycup

Author's Notes/Comments: 

wrote this one because i am tired of being alone, i want to wake up next to a smiling face and fall asleep with the last thing i see is a smiling face!

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The Ring

Folder: 
2022

the things I will do for the past are telling

darker than darkness

I linger like things not said–

once I wrote that I wanted to know you

and now through knowing you

you are the only puzzle I will never solve–

finding the corners but

never all of them–

just searching for the dead ends,

what I think will close me in

 

the words I will use do not make a heaven of your body

they do not make me a martyr

they keep me in this empty space

they do not tell me I am as beautiful as I can be but

they have never told me you are not trying

 

the things I will do for the truth

are making me split like a parody

fight like inside my head

and all this character wants

is just to make her mine again

 

my body is another way to stretch my words until they break

it is something I don’t want to form until I speak it

 

you are everything I will lose

the end and the beginning and

the things I will do for love are sinful

scrabbling for grip

you are the only enemy I will never fight

just stand there in the ring

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 3/15/22

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