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What am I to make of who I am?
I can't blame tomorrow for yesterday
Here I am, already fingering blame
Convicting something that has yet to happen

I'm charging the hands of time
That has still to be announced
With a list of thought crimes
Of having cursed us, having lied
From us, having stolen itself
Telling us we had more than was left

I'm charging the hands of time
With a list of thought crimes
I'm locking the future up
With those that I never forgave

What am I to make of who I am?
If I can only become this man
Here I am, all ready to ruin the day
Guaranteeing agar agar for Misery to breed

In rage,
I've kidnapped the charms of life
Blindly,
Somehow, I've ended up
With a knife in my hand
The knife to it's neck
Tomorrow's pleading eyes
Snapping me out of it
I was about to kill a kid
Because he could become a Hitler

I'm charging the hands of time
That has still to be announced
With a list of thought crimes
Of having cursed us, having lied
From us, having stolen itself
Telling us we had more than was left

I'm charging the hands of time
With a list of thought crimes
I'm locking the future up
With those that I never forgave

I'm sorry, Tomorrow
Forgive me, today
I should have forgiven you
Yesterday

I didn’t know my grandpa very well, I had no idea what kind of life he had lived, no inkling as to how he had raised my family, I never knew how his childhood was like or what kind of things he did as a little boy. When I think of my grandpa, the first thing that comes to my mind is medicine, he used to take many, heart, blood pressure, diabetes, pain, swelling, the whole lot. I can’t imagine how he felt or what he was thinking, all I know is that in his last days, he was suffering. His past life had come round and was now taking back all the vigor and spryness that he had once possessed, his age had caught up to him. I try to think about what legacy he left behind, but I always come back to the medicines, I wonder about what my aunts, my uncle and my mother had to do for him to have those pills of relief, the money, the effort, the blood, sweat, and work that each of those tiny pills represented. I wonder how it felt to my family keeping this man alive, this man who had not been the best father, this man who  had neglected his family, that had started up fires of hate and resent that are still burning to this day within the hearts of his children. I can see the sadness they feel, the hole in them caused by this man, the loneliness, the longing, neither of which will completely disappear. My grandpa’s actions have already transcended him, his seeds have grown and are now releasing their own seeds, I only hope that the newest seeds will not grow crooked as their bearers before them and that they will bear fruits that will be sweet and free from the foul taste of bitterness.  And yet people who speak of my grandpa hold him in high regard, known for being sociable, for being able to start a conversation with anyone, for making a friend in every place he visited. They think of a humble man who knew how to cook, they think of a man who had a fulfilling life, who had raised a family and had managed to give them a future. My grandpa had two sides to him, and I’m not sure if I ever got to see either of them, but I’ve had plenty of time to see the results of his once being here and I feel that I’ll still see them in the years to come.

..........

(photo from lightworkers.org)

he feels dejected,

grim, down-in-the-mouth,

mirthless, mournful, 

moody and droopy,

dragged, trite,

and nothing is right, 

anguished, forlorn,

woeful in the depths of despair.

he tries to think 

of sweetest memories,

but as he casts his 

grappling hook to 

secure his ascent

over the walls he's built,

the rope becomes 

frayed and breaks.

the weight of his 

guilt has grown too 

ponderous, and his

spine too soft to

bear the rigors 

of the climb that he

now sees he must 

journey on his own.

sinking deeper into

his abyss he struggles 

to remember something 

other than this limbo

of darkness and dread,

the disbelief of this reality

he fails again and again

to overcome, and desperation sets in.

clinging to old feelings,

and the desire for a love 

long gone, he withers

in a sea of hopelessness,

and every good memory

takes him back to the 

bottom of this wallowing 

pit of sorrow and pain.

people pass by,

some with compassionate

flurries of empathy

that quickly ferment to feed 

the destruction of any 

aspirations for change,

and the nature of his misery

flourishes unto his bitter end.

he thought she was his world,

and now she's gone,

moved on to another dimension

on the wings of a dove,

to blaze new trails without him,

but his mind cannot accept

that was the whole purpose of 

their meeting in this life.

she came to prepare him

for this dark night of the soul,

and his task is to overcome it,

he listens for her voice

to soothe him as it did before,

and the scorching fires of 

truth that strip his soul naked

have left him angry and inflexible.

and when he sleeps, 

she watches 

through timeless portals,

the man she left behind, 

and wonders 

if he'll ever pass

the test 

of this lifetime.

he doesn't seem 

to understand her whispers in the dark,

he only understands the love they had so long ago,

he's trapped in something 

only he can bring unto an end,

or wander in his denial, his heart never to mend,

for unbeknownst to him this lifetime is his only chance

for them to ever have another lifetime in this dance.

11:41 PM 8/7/2013  ©

..............

No one understand the pain you feel inside
You try hard to make sure everyone thinks you’re happy
Although you know that fake smile you give isn’t bought by anyone
When will you show your true feelings?
When will you explain the pain you feel?
You’re afraid to let anybody in
You can’t even look anybody in the eye
Why don’t you just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Show people how mad you are!
Don’t think about anybody’s’ feelings for now
Think of you and only you!
Be selfish!!! Hate everything!
Tell the people who hurt you to disappear
Tell the ones who care about you to give you space
Be alone
Feel the pain
Go through Hate
Then make it disappear
After you've experienced all that that,
Only then
Can you truly say
“I have experienced life”

What a sad, sad world
where one has to cover up brilliance
inorder to not cast a shadow,
over the lowly ones
the lowly ones that partake of gossip
the lowly ones that partake of jealousy conspiracy
so lacking in themselves seeking others faults to
putty up and hide their own.
do not work hard or give unselfishly
you will not be recongised in love
only as a threat. humble and hardworking
they conspire against us
we must keep our heads down not offer solutions
not do more than is asked for
the spiteful lazy who sit and think
cannot do, thus they find ways to persecute you
do us all a favour you who are guilty members of these crews
grow the hell up and learn the real values
do not hate me because I provide the success you seek
do not hate me because I care enough to develop past
hate yourself for not doing enough and puting loving last
I dont need your criticisms or validations
nor will I entertain any of your stupid violations.
especially from those who dont know much,
but these are the things I do well
and I do not prosper much theres
plenty of others who like the credits
take as many as you want
I am happy here in the sun
while I watch you scramble for pieces of greatness
in my shadow; just droped a crum.get it! run!

Pick yourself up
Broken pieces on the floor beside you
Covered in blood
The hero of the day, wake up

Kill the last bits of bitterness
Dirty stains in your heart
Hug it tight, the deadly sin
And hold it deep within
Reach the bloody light
When will you make it right?