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With this letter I say goodbye,

As the daylight fades to night,

Tears roll down my cheeks,

Pen trembles in my hand,

My lungs gasping for air,

The monsters under my bed,

The voices in my head,

Hypnotised by the shiny metal,

I feel numb and dead inside,

Totally zombified but without purpose,

Lies and lies that have been said,

Pumped full of chaos,

Traumatised by the outside,

For as long as I can remember,

I have wanted to die,

Feeding off my broken heart and mind,

Despair swirld round like smoke,

Emptiness becoming normal,

Fill my veins with formaldehyde,

The day has finally come,

The day my heart died.

 Stronger then you think!        4/26/21

when you feel just like your all alone and its more then you can bare

the fight in you is all but gone and no one seems to be aware

and your feet are stuck in quicksand and you feel like you will sink 

but remember who you were born too your stronger then you think

as kids stupid stuff didnt matter none and we didnt take it to heart

but over the years its become so vast and its tearing you apart

and if you dwell on it any longer it will send you too the brink

i know that you will be alright cuz your stronger then you think

so when ever you feel like all is lost and you wont make another day

remember who's always watching over you the monsters kept at bay

next time that you feel like your on the edge i will be there in a blink

to let you know how much your loved because your stronger then you think

    Becky Chadbourne

The pain of being left behind has lingered inside you for years, years, years.

So you thought the patrons berating me weren’t bad enough, nuff, nuff.

I had open wounds all over my body.

And you dumped a bucket of salt on them.

You knew perfectly well how hurt I was before that.

Yet you tie a leash on my neck and commanded me to listen

Like the dog I was when I barked back at you.

No matter what my decision was, I was going to lose to you.

My attachment to you was the perfect gun for you to fire

Because it was loaded with the tablets that nearly did you in.

On that fateful day, you survived and I thought that true love was out of my reach.

You would have had the last laugh, but several days later, the joke’s on you.

I’m someone else’s now so tough luck and good riddance to bad rubbish.

You say you’re free of me,

Yet your memories of me have locked you up

and thrown away the key.

I know that because you have loads of trouble letting go of the past.

You can vent ‘til the cows come home that I never
made time for you, you, you!

Everything has to be about me, me, me!

But that was only the surface you scratched.

That’s the furthest you ever went.

It says more about you than me.

Hell, a beefcake could clear his schedule for you better than I can.

But his chivalry might be aggressive mimicry.

If he breaks your heart, it ain’t my problem.

Now that I’m out of your reach, you can’t touch me.

I’m mingling with the losers like I’m dancing in a nightclub in Italy.

It was a wakeup call to screw your shade

Because one of them loves everything about me.

It’s not looking the other way. It’s enjoying the person I was born to be.

Every day I don’t look you up online

Nor read your old messages, my memories of you hurt less and less.

While I can visualize you a decade from now

Still being stroppy about the delusion that I never cared for you.

Who knows? You could call me a cunt and still claim part of you loves me.

And you’re sorry it had to be this way.

But… fuck no! Let’s be real. You’re not sorry. No aspect of you loves me.

You played the sarcasm card on me. So how about a taste of your own medicine for a change?

Good luck becoming a psychologist with the attitude of a wack job.

Good luck getting that degree while you throw a fit on every single assignment you get.

Good luck handing that very same garbage you threw at me to a couple getting a divorce.

I can’t wait to see a patient badmouth you on Reddit and turn you into a court jester.

Maybe I did learn a lesson from you after all;

Knowing when it is time to let go and never come back.

Your single mother and cousins applauded you because they had faith I was the one.

It felt amazing to be this close to a family that I never met in the flesh.

Seeing them in the form of a discarded diary should have sounded an alarm in my head.

Your voice was so solemn and so soothing that it was like tasting a honeysuckle lollipop.

It was the best flavor I’ve ever had until I told you about the pauper I am providing for.

Then the flies showed up and I spent the next two months swatting them away.

One day, I licked the lollipop for the first time since then and tasted manure in the center.

I wondered why something so sweet could taste so repulsive.

But to my surprise, I was struck by the thought that I should have known.

You found yourself a guy you couldn’t wrap around your finger.

I didn’t see it until I was being bled dry and I could barely stay awake.

I had nothing to offer you when you claimed I did.

So why were you angry?

Why were you cranky?

I thought you were dandy

When you abstained from hanky panky.

All this time, you were still the hurt little boy that was raised in the Pope’s lyceum.

And turned into a lamprey the second I couldn’t give him anything to eat.

If you’re alone and free, I’ve already forgotten about you.

If you deserve better than me, you took the easy way out

By cheating on your test in life and got caught by the pauper.

You whimpered in fear of getting expelled and I was prepared for it.

The lamprey within broke free when I couldn’t look at you as the same person I loved before.

You fruitlessly faked your regret and pinned the blame on my ass to get out of jail free.

I’m not crying not because I didn’t care about you.

It was because I have the ending from that film memorized by heart.

It’s crazy, isn’t it? I know. I’ve watched it several times in French as a student.

I know my worth. I’m smiling in public while the sun is up

And brightening up the night when it goes down.

Thank you for putting words in my mouth when you were at your lowest.

Can you remind me again what major you’re pursuing?

Because you behaved like a patient in a case study at Arkham to me.

Wake up and smell the roses, my sweet summer child.

If you can’t stand to be where the bald eagles take flight,

Then park yourself on a bench and feed the pigeons.

To fix my past!

my past is filled with heartache and tears
full of ghosts ive locked away for years
but over time they've become so vast
and i've tried so hard to fix my past
i’ve fought to keep those memories at bay
but here they are and here they’ll stay
these memories inside have multiplied fast
i hope there's a way for me to fix my past
as i got older i’ve learned alot about me
and who i am is who i’m supposed to be
if i do go back then i would be recast
then should i go back to fix my past
my family and friends all know who i am
so if i do go back  i might not give a dam
and when i return i will have to be asked
just cause i wanted to fix my past
so here i am and here i’ll always remain
to others i’ll be hope so nothing's in vain
and someday when i am stronger at last
there’ll not be a need to go and fix my past!

  Zoeycup!!!

When, 'I'm fine'

becomes your generic answer,

because you know well,

they don't really care about the truth.

When tears just randomly fall,

in a silent, steady succession

and you never knew

...you were even crying.

When you actually,

physically ache inside,

from being so bereft

of even simple human touch.

When the only times

your cries are even heard

by anyone who'd care,

is within' your own head.

When you just want to run-

just start running,

but knowing full well,

you've nowhere, and no one, to run.

When your own traitorous voice

calls out inside you, screaming:

'Outcast! Unlovable! Unworthy!

Why don't you fight back!?

What's wrong with you!???'

And you simply whisper back, 'I'm fine.'

Love me until it hurts,

Youre like poison in my veins,

Youre an addiction,

I fell in love,

I fight for you,

Do I have your word?

Hold me forever,

A sweet and salty smell fills my nose,

Love me through the pain,

Dont ever tell me its over,

I promise to be there for you,

Dont give up on us,

Take my heart and hold it in your hands,

Feel it beating,

Know that this is all true,

I wont ever let you down,

I feel so numb,

Maybe I cut too deep,

It takes a moment to realise youre touching me,

Ive never felt more alone than I do now,

A feeling of freedom washes over me,

Quick sharp gasp,

How do you make me feel this way?

I crave you,

I cant run from the past,

It catches up with me eventually,

Try as I might I cant cut it out,

I feel youre haunting me,

Im addicted to the games,

Youre so beautiful,

Cold and unwavering,

Sharp and precise,

Deeper and deeper you push,

Completely under your spell,

Adrenaline rushes through me,

This thrill is intoxicating,

I never want it to end,

Each time trying to make it better than the last,

Chasing what I can never have,

Forever just out of reach,

You can go on without me,

I mean nothing to you,

All you have ever wanted is to control,

You know you have full control over me.

Have you any idea how much it hurts to love you?

Do you even care?

Like a supernova exploding,

Firing off shards in all directions,

Pockmarked and scarred,

I know you dont care,

Within my dreams its never the truth,

Save me from this,

Let me go,

Love me back,

Tears fall and crash around me,

Cheeks stained,

Wake me up,

Under the scars Im raw,

Fire inside burns hot,

Scortching the flesh,

It hurts.

You stuck a knife in me,

You twisted it and pulled it out,

You watched me bleed,

You enjoyed my suffering,

You couldnt have been more cruel,

You could have tried,

You poked the wound for fun,

You knew when it started healing,

You tore a gaping wound in my heart,

You laughed at my expense,

You liked the attention,

You liked being chased,

You were always going to hurt me,

You just made me blind to it,

You caused enough pain to open my eyes,

You let me slip through your fingers,

You saw my colour fade,

You drained my blood,

You caused scars,

You hurt me,

You never felt anything,

You lead me on,

You discarded me when it wasnt convenient,

You caused excrutiating pain,

You never cared,

You never said sorry and meant it,

You watched the last drop of blood,

You watched me die of a broken heart,

You are twisted,

You are cruel,

You lost me because I walked away.