I started at the bottom
I'm still here
Hesitant to climb the ladder
Can't conquer fear
The path to my ascension
Remains quite clear
My clarity concedes to critics
Thank you peers
Now the bottom slowly rises
With my tears
Floating on a fragile boat
My emotions steer
Will I sink or swim
The answer nears
Every inch I slowly rise
My insides cheer
The mask of my depression
Now rendered sheer
Staring into the light ahead
Like blinded deer
The boat begins to rock
Nausea has appeared
Sickness now stunts my travels
Cursed inner ear
The rocky waves crashing overhead
Drench the veneer
Tumble over the boat's edge
Tipped over steer
Mournful breaths as I descend
Curse my puppeteer
Hopelessly I drift back down
Life's discarded souvenir
My advice for achieving happiness
I freely volunteer
Instead of holding onto rocks
Hold those dear
When in doubt, take a knife
Slice it across the vein along the wrist
Don't go soft, make it count
Make that shit bleed
Watch as it pours over the skin
Do you feel it?
Do you feel any different?
Probably not!
Feeling that coldness along your cheeks
That's still not enough
The tiled floor is within reach
Do you feel it?
Do you feel different?
Probably not!
The knife is still within your hand
Slide it along both your thighs
Make it bleed
Come on now
Don't be a baby
You want it to go away
You know how to do it
Not once, not twice, three times is nice
You're beginning to feel it now
All that pain is starting to ease
The wall is crumbling
The salt pouring along your lips
Yes, let it all out
If this isn't enough and you've had enough
Let the cold water cover the skin
Relax and lay back
Let it all out
Take your last breath cause it's time
Now you are going cold
Do you feel any better?
I'm sure you do
No more pain
No more complaints and disappointments
No more worries
Now just hope you end up where you want to go
-Remember
It's December
It's the happiest time of the year
It's December
But in this frozen heart there's no cheer- (chorus)
Let it snow til I'm covered from head to toe
Let the sun go down before I can get home
Just remember it's December
Let the leaves turn brown as they rot on the ground
Let the night black out everything that's around
Just remember it's December
Remember
It's December
It's the happiest time of the year
Its December
But in this frozen heart there's no cheer
It's so cold
Why do I feel so alone?
That's when I
Remember
It's December
It's the happiest time of the year
It's December
Cause in this frozen heart there's no cheer
In this frozen heart there's no cheer
12-20-22
You rushed in like a forceful wind.
You did not ask, you just let yourself in.
I tried hard to stop it but I was not strong.
You tore down the bricks that made up my walls.
Standing there as bare and naked as I could be.
That is when you crept in and stole me.
Small sweet words were all it ever took.
To keep me swimming for that silent, sharp hook.
The screams inside my brain would never cease.
I cupped my hands around my ears and scrunched up my face.
I cried and tossed and turned, trying to sleep.
But those mountains of guilt were far too steep.
I tried to go and told you no more often than not.
Sugar laced whispers were your only shot.
Like a starving child I reached out my hands.
Only to find two fistfulls of sand.
I let it slowly sift through my fingertips.
Watched it fall away as if it never did exist.
I stood up tall once more and looked out at the sea.
Raced toward the waves, leaving behind the shell who once was me.
I looked back once and saw you kneeling on the shore.
And I smiled because I did not fear you anymore.
It's you
It's always been you
Stealing my dreams
Keeping me from sleep
Late at night when I am in bed
You are always in my head
Telling me I cannot do anything
Then asking me why I'm so lazy
You reach your arms out
As if to embrace me
Just to shove me down again
"Go back to sleep"
Curling up by my side
Fingers tangled in my hair
Whispering softly in my ear
"You should just die"
Tears trickle down my face
"Don't be a victim" you say
Your fingers tighen their grip
Digging your fingers in
You pull me up onto my feet
I'm hanging by the strands of my hair
Tossing me across the room
You spit venom into my face once more
"What are you even fighting for"?
Shaking, I struggle to stand
Your face turns into a crooked glare
My gaze shifts slightly towards the door
Laughing hysterically you begin to mock
"You really want to go out there"?
"You cannot run from ME"
"Wherever you go that is where I will be"
"So leave then, if you think you can handle it"
"Go on, go pretend that you matter"
My knees collapse as I crumple onto the floor
Hands on my face I begin to scream
You soften your tone and lean in close
"There there child it's okay"
"It's time you listen to what I've said"
"Those people out there are better off with you gone"
"How could they possibly love YOU after all"?
My lips tremble as I look into your eyes
I know that you are right
A smile creeps onto your face
Arms open wide again
I lean my head against your chest
As you dig your fingers into that place on my head
"You know what needs to be done"
I begin to protest but can only shake
Chuckling softly you tighten your grip
"You're much too weak but its okay"
"For now just go back to bed"
The tears fall until I'm overcome by sleep
"Baby"
It's you
It's always been you
Every day I wake up
And every day you are there
I push and pull away from your grasp
But you only tighten your hands
Fight
I must continue to fight
To push forward
To move
No matter how deep your claws dig in
I'll continue to rip them from my skin
The tears fall,
Harder and faster,
My mind breaks,
Splits and fractures,
Torn in different ways,
How can I stay?
Im not wanted,
Useless and a burden,
Life seems meaningless,
Walked off the forest path,
Lost inside my own mind,
The cold,
Dark and forboding,
An icy chill with no wind,
Shattered sound in the distance,
The beast is coming,
Its knocking at my door,
Howling at the moon,
Eyes black with hate,
Pointy fangs grinning,
I want it to rip me apart,
Limb from limb,
Drink my body dry,
Savour the taste of my soul,
The destructive energy,
The unrelenting force,
Power,
Silver tongue gleaming,
A quick flick,
A red droplet escapes,
I feel the teeth sink in,
My flesh inviting this beast closer,
Deeper and deeper it bites,
Never looking away from my eyes,
It knows Im trapped,
Frozen to the spot,
My life ebbing slowly,
Each heartbeat a little fainter,
Drinking deep from my wrist,
The beast never misses another drop,
I can feel the tongue slicing,
My blood racing out,
The beast grins one last time,
It wants my soul,
A final meal,
Instead it leaves me there,
A pool of nothing,
Even my beast doesnt want me.
With this letter I say goodbye,
As the daylight fades to night,
Tears roll down my cheeks,
Pen trembles in my hand,
My lungs gasping for air,
The monsters under my bed,
The voices in my head,
Hypnotised by the shiny metal,
I feel numb and dead inside,
Totally zombified but without purpose,
Lies and lies that have been said,
Pumped full of chaos,
Traumatised by the outside,
For as long as I can remember,
I have wanted to die,
Feeding off my broken heart and mind,
Despair swirld round like smoke,
Emptiness becoming normal,
Fill my veins with formaldehyde,
The day has finally come,
The day my heart died.
Tied to what is just too far
Far gone too late to stay
Still life still lies underwater
And above it? What is left in the shadowy
Light, the light, O light could not hold on
Reeds sliver under a full moon
Choreographed by the hues of sunset
How could you not love the concentric
Ripples, that must, O God dissipate
Can you see they fulfilled their promise?
At least a broken man became their final witness, and in his rotten timber,
Grey Cat, they called him
By hell I don't know, no-one got passed the
Stutter.
But tonight, under the silver moon
He waits for the last of civil twilight
The last call of the Loons
Of course they'll be back.
But Ol Grey Cat, who holds his 12 Guage tight
Tight, tighter,
You know the say the sunrise out on the lake this morning was pastel beauty - And boy,
I'm sure glad Ol Grey Cat got to draw every last colour into his Soul.
(c) 2022 Nick Purdon. For Grey Cat. 1942 - 2003
These words I write cannot contain
The anger, the guilt, nor the pain
Of losing someone you hold most dear
You went to her house for advice
You just complained, yelled and got frustrated
But she just listened, hearing every word
And now she's gone, gone, gone
You think about her constantly
She never leaves your heart, mind, or soul
Her advice was always solid
Her words blunt and meaningful
But now you can't hear them
She is just gone, gone, gone
We move on, hoping to hear her call our name
But she can't anymore
We hope to feel her grasp
But she is out of reach
Just remember where she resides now
In the darkest part of your heart
Waiting for you to ask again
When you find the words
When you heal
She's not here
She's not there
But she is everywhere
She. Is. Home.
She. Is. Happy.
She. Is. Always. Watching.
Waiting
Hoping
Always loving was her speech
She told you how it was out of love
She was there when you were a baby
She was there your whole life
NOW HOLD HER CLOSE AS YOU SAY GOODBYE FOR THE LAST TIME!!
YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!!
THE PHOTOS DO HER NO JUSTICE!!
DON'T SHED TEARS FOR HER!!!
REMEMBER HER!!
The death of a loved one
Is an unending sadness
But never give up
They will watch you
Help you
Save you
Never give up!