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It Gets Better

January 27, 2021

Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.

Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed

since I was younger and had more time to write.

I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.

I've hoped for so long that I could find a place

where I can be myself and not have to chase

validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.

I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.

I have love all around me, with my family and friends.

They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.

I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand

that these problems I have are out of my hands.

It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.

If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.

I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,

just to have this cycle repeat itself again.

When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,

there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think

about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.

I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.

The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol

have never helped me feel better at all.

The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever

is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."

It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists

that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.

I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,

but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.

To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,

I don't want you to think that any of you shared

a part in this self-destructive game of my life.

In the end, everything will be all right.

Nothing will change in the world outside my own.

Everyone else will have a place they call home.

My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,

maybe for the others, it actually does get better.

I don't know what to write

or what to say or what to feel.

I want help but I'm too afraid

to show anyone what is real with me.

I can't seem to bring myself to terms

with my thoughts of a different future.

I can't change what I am

but if I could, I don't know that I would.

I won't let you go, but it's what holding me back

I won't face what I have, it's control I don't have.

I won't stand up to her and say I don't need you

because you're the worst drug I've ever had.

Let me start over, I swear I'll do better.

Let me have some faith in myself, I might

sleep a night without the toxic thoughts.

Let me feel like I've done something right.

Only the drugs and the alcohol make me

forget where I am, make me forget that I need

them to float above the sea, stop from sinking and

remembering everything and start thinking

about the failure that has given up.

She had pine

needles in her purse to take the edge off

Christmas. She held them for the memories

she didn’t own, but could pluck out of movies

like pine cones out of the snow to make ornaments —

decorated with bits of glitter, a bow

to represent a touch of hope. I would pull her close

and tell her she didn’t need the needles to feel something

as tangible as the snow on the ground. Fleeting

cold was meant to leave us

for the warmth of memories we could make on our own.

There’s a certain appeal to the bruise colored haze at the bottom
of a six-pack. She sits
on the kitchen floor, knees bent
out at acute angles, shuddering shoulder
blades pressing against skin
until the fine human film splits
and she falls – splits down the center

like the bottom of the Colorado mountain valleys we hiked last spring.

The skin of her cheeks would flush in the brisk mornings and I, alone,
learned every shade of tension stretched through her shoulders
when she’d bend
over to wash her hair in the stream.
Like the willow tree bends: graceful

limbs reaching to touch a quivering reflection.

When, 'I'm fine'

becomes your generic answer,

because you know well,

they don't really care about the truth.

When tears just randomly fall,

in a silent, steady succession

and you never knew

...you were even crying.

When you actually,

physically ache inside,

from being so bereft

of even simple human touch.

When the only times

your cries are even heard

by anyone who'd care,

is within' your own head.

When you just want to run-

just start running,

but knowing full well,

you've nowhere, and no one, to run.

When your own traitorous voice

calls out inside you, screaming:

'Outcast! Unlovable! Unworthy!

Why don't you fight back!?

What's wrong with you!???'

And you simply whisper back, 'I'm fine.'

Lord, I'm on my knees again

Because the worst has happened

The death of a loved one

The loss of a job

I can't pay the bills

My wife no longer loves me

So I'm here today

Before the Lord of creation

The First and Last

And perhaps the best I can say

Is a hollow hallelujah

From an empty heart

“The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away

Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

For who knows

Perhaps by my suffering

Someone else may be blessed

Someone else might have hope

Someone else might see You through me

I can't see the future

I don't know the greater plan

But I believe, but I Know

That even in the hardest of times

I can rely on You to carry me

When I fall, let me fall into Your arms

Please take this broken life

This shattered jar of clay

And shape it into the man

That You need me to be

I trust You

I love You

And because of these

I know that I'll be ok

Love me until it hurts,

Youre like poison in my veins,

Youre an addiction,

I fell in love,

I fight for you,

Do I have your word?

Hold me forever,

A sweet and salty smell fills my nose,

Love me through the pain,

Dont ever tell me its over,

I promise to be there for you,

Dont give up on us,

Take my heart and hold it in your hands,

Feel it beating,

Know that this is all true,

I wont ever let you down,

I feel so numb,

Maybe I cut too deep,

It takes a moment to realise youre touching me,

Ive never felt more alone than I do now,

A feeling of freedom washes over me,

Quick sharp gasp,

How do you make me feel this way?

I crave you,

I cant run from the past,

It catches up with me eventually,

Try as I might I cant cut it out,

I feel youre haunting me,

Im addicted to the games,

Youre so beautiful,

Cold and unwavering,

Sharp and precise,

Deeper and deeper you push,

Completely under your spell,

Adrenaline rushes through me,

This thrill is intoxicating,

I never want it to end,

Each time trying to make it better than the last,

Chasing what I can never have,

Forever just out of reach,

You can go on without me,

I mean nothing to you,

All you have ever wanted is to control,

You know you have full control over me.

You murdered my heart,

Broke the trust I had with you,

Do you really care?

Could you love me to death?

Im empty inside,

Watch me as I walk away,

The emptiness inside of me,

Can I learn to forgive and forget?

Have you any idea how much it hurts to love you?

Do you even care?

Like a supernova exploding,

Firing off shards in all directions,

Pockmarked and scarred,

I know you dont care,

Within my dreams its never the truth,

Save me from this,

Let me go,

Love me back,

Tears fall and crash around me,

Cheeks stained,

Wake me up,

Under the scars Im raw,

Fire inside burns hot,

Scortching the flesh,

It hurts.