Depression

Hexagon's Lament

In silent screams, six sides shatter;

Unheard anguish, a voiceless cry;

Broken bonds, trust torn asunder;

Shadows creep where hope runs dry.

Unheard anguish, a voiceless cry;

An unbreakable shape, now unmade;

Shadows creep where hope runs dry;

In darkness, a tortured soul betrayed.

An unbreakable shape, now unmade;

Scars unseen, a secret hell within;

In darkness, a tortured soul betrayed;

Wounded healer, touched by sin.

Scars unseen, a secret hell within;

In silent screams, six sides shatter;

Wounded healer, touched by sin;

Broken bonds, trust torn asunder.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"Hexagon's Lament" - A 16-line pantoum using the six-sided hexagon as a metaphor for emotional pain and broken trust. The poem employs the pantoum's repetitive structure to reinforce themes of suffering and internal anguish.

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C’mon y’all know the tune

Verse 1

 

Gaslighters do it, twisting words and lies

Fake allies do it, with virtue-signalling eyes 

Let's expose it, this harmful facade 

The privileged do it, blind to the disabled load 

The able-bodied do it, with judgment so bold 

Let's dismantle it, this oppressive hold

 

Verse 2

 

The dismissive do it, with apathy's cold grace 

The condescending do it, with a patronising face 

Let's challenge it, this systemic disgrace 

The indifferent do it, without a care for our space 

The oblivious do it, in their privileged space 

Let's break free from it, this isolating race

 

Verse 3

 

The appropriators do it, stealing our pain 

The exploiters do it, for personal gain 

Let's resist it, this harmful refrain 

The beneficiaries do it, of a system built on pain 

The oppressors do it, again and again

Let's fight back against it, this unjust domain

 

Verse 4

 

The enablers do it, by looking away 

The perpetrators do it, day after day 

Let's confront it, this insidious sway 

The bystanders do it, by failing to sway 

The complacent do it, in every single way

Let's rise above it, and seize a brighter day

Discordant Symphony




Discordant Note

Scratching, floating

Hanging in the air

 

 

Pressure ebbs and flows 

Headpiece filled with straw

 

 

A twisted melody lingers

Confusion and rage entwined 

Resentment's bitter sting

Wrestles with sorrow's whine

 

 

Innocence stolen, trust shattered

By hands meant to protect

 

 

The child within still bleeds

Silently searching, begging for respect 

 

 

Justice denied, our secrets buried

Master manipulator 

A monster cloaked in lies

 

 

Crimes still hidden 

Despite Death's hand

Too late for tortured cries

 

 

Feet of clay now returned to dust

From whence they darkly came

Leaving behind a tangled mess

Of trauma, grief and shame 

 

 

The urge to desecrate, destroy

Wage war upon their grave

Wrestling with guilt, pity and relief 

Yes, he is no more

But I am not yet saved

 

 

This victory feels hollow 

An unearned, empty gift

When wounds still pulse and throb

No closure, the burdens unshift 

 

 

 

I imagine looking for the tombstone,

Fists and soul clenched tight,

Anger, disgust, and rage.

 

 

Shadows cast doubt over my morals,

Compass dysfunctional, truth estranged.

Like Basque tongues tangled with Ainu clicks,

A labyrinth of questions ethics inflicts.

 

 

No tears of mourning shed

No idea the monster was laid to rest

Three years later, a happy accident

Release a demon locked deep in my chest

 

 

How to reconcile the little child

Who needed love and care

With the person now made to carry

This discordant note hanging in the air

 

 

In the depths of this discordance 

Frustration and confusion still rise

Dare I confront the shadows

Curse their peaceful demise?

 

 

Every anguished scream swallowed 

Each day, coerced, suffocated in silence

Transmuting years of buried aches

Why not release in rightful fierce violence?

 

 

Through serpentine paths of healing

Piece by shattered piece remade,

Scars shimmering with untold stories 

Of battles braved and traumas mourned

 

 

In owning all that was endured

By innocent hands and shattered trust

Languidly learning to cradle, soothe

My inner child waiting, weeping in the dust

 

 

Each breath is an act of bravery

Every step is defiant, resolute 

Reclaiming fractured narratives

No longer voiceless or mute

Through my poetry, I find release

May its rhythm grant me peace.

 

 

This journey from victim to victor

Is paved with shards of broken self

Reassembled by courageous hands

Into mosaics of pain and health 

 

 

A symphony of survival

Echoes in the spaces in between

I cannot rewrite my cruel history 

I yearn like others to live and dream

 

 

Beyond the reach of phantom hands

That sought to break and steal and mar

I rise in revolutionary softness

Tempered by battles, reminded by scars

 

 

The discordant note, a stubborn seed, 

Resists the soil, its tyranny decreed, 

Yet woven slow, within the larger frame, 

An ostinato may conquer its shame, 

Finds solace in the weave, a timeless plea, 

Echoing Eliot, Stravinsky rewrites history. 



Author's Notes/Comments: 

I found out this morning (yesterday now), some 13–14 odd hours ago – whilst mindlessly googling, that a person who manipulated and molested me as a child had passed away (almost three years ago).

 

The obituary stated that they died “Peacefully” whilst being cared for by [redacted]. The conflicting emotions are intense – that they can still torture from the grave – exhausting.

 

While dealing with this flood of emotion and wrestling with my conscience, I came across a poem fragment on my phone that I started to write a few years back. The result of what it has morphed into can be found below.

 

I know this poem is far from complete, but I needed to get it out therapeutically. So, if you wish to comment, you are welcome to critique - however, strictly with empathy and compassion. 

Silent Night, Shattered Sight (Neurodivergent Nightmare)

 

 

Amidst the onslaught of festive frenzy,
Neurodivergent minds reel a tempest here to sear.
Senses assaulted, relentlessly vexed,
Christmas chaos leaves us perplexed.


Masking's breaking, taking weight, a suffocating shroud,
Authenticity lost in the neurotypical crowd.
ADHD autism's ache, an adult's disgrace,
So, invisible struggles are present in this merry place.


Pain's persistent, pounding refrain, an endless score,
Fibromyalgia's claws, forever tore.
Spine curved like a question mark,
Vertigo's dance, a dizzying arc.


Poverty's clutch cuts deep, leave plans in disarray,
Opportunities vanish, like mist in the day.
Isolation, depression, chronic cursed alone,
In a world where bonds stretch, then are gone.


Trauma mars, leaves scars, rape's brutal seal,
cPTSD's tortures - terrors forever real.
Triggers flashbacks, a minefield within,
Clock tick-tocks, the night's wearing thin.


Passivity creeps in just like a mischievous elf,
A sinister spirit keeps us captive, steals our self.
Painfully forcing out a cry, on deaf ears they fall,
"You knew they wouldn't", it sneers, "more unanswered calls".


In despair's abyss, hope's flicker dies,
As the world rejoices, behind a joyful disguise.
Countless unseen battles and unheard cries,
Anguish, desperation, pain, do naked eyes lie?


To those who feign concern, a warning rings clear,
Your platitudes and neglect, a deafening sneer.
For in the depths of despair, a reckoning brews,
When the desperate depart, with nothing to lose.


In the sombre, silent night, when alienation reigns,
The psyche buckles, under the weight of its chains.
Remember, you who turned a blind eye,
The blood on your hands as the outcast dies.


So let the silence shatter, let the truth be known,
For the neglected and broken, forever alone.
May their memory haunt, may their absence resound,
A damning indictment, of the help never found.


Silently in the night, isolation's doom looms,
For those left to rot, in desolation's tombs.
A scourge on false kindness, on empathy's dearth,
As the forgotten depart, from this merciless Earth.


A warning to those who still pretend to care,
Of the anguish hidden, behind festive despair's lair.
Family friends forsaken in desolation's night,
Cast aside, ignored as time ticks on, year's plight.


In the silent night, a dirge ascends,
For those struggling, lost at the year's end.
Society's apathy, an unpalatable bitter pill,
Washed down with tears, we fade away against our will.


Let the silence break; let the truth be told,
Of the torment endured, the agony untold.
In summer's sweat, a reckoning should rise,
Power imbalances now, no escape our fate's demise.


May our ghosts haunt the whole season bright,
Reminding us of those for whom this time's a blight.
In the season's glare, coalescing shadows reign,
Numerous reasons, curses feeding this pain.


A moment of stillness, amidst the hurricane,
A flicker of self, in the endless pain.
Battered and bruised, yet still we stand,
In defiance of a world, that refuses to understand.


Whilst it is true, many times I have tried,
But for my animals, it is on me that they rely.
As night follows day and day follows night,
Dark forces frantically fighting, stealing my fight.


Hope's a medicine, both a curse and a sure cure,
Healing if repeatedly given - the source pure.
Decidedly dangerous, deadly, dangled as a prize,
Breaking faith's wraith, soon you and society they'll despise.


A pox on ableism, on empathy's lack,
As we vanish slowly, our lives off-track.
In the silent night, our requiem it plays,
The forgotten ones, left on birthdays and holidays.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Like all entries in this anthology - this is raw, unflinching (oddly still with residual masking) and has the potential to offend or upset - this is my truth. So take this as another CW. 

Desperate defiance in the dark

Desperate defiance in the dark

 

 

Voice vanishing, vaporised by virtual vitriol

Algorithms amplify absence, abandonment

Words once winged now wither, wane

Trauma's tendrils tighten, twist, torment

 

 

Silence. Deafening. Oppressive. Inescapable.

 

 

Childhood's cruel cacophony echoes, endures

Rape's raw rage resurfaces, relentless 

Abuse's ache amplifies, accumulates

Gaslighting's glare grows, guts grace

 

 

A chill wind of indifference swept through the room, leaving me shivering and unseen.

 

 

Neurodivergent narratives, now nullified 

Vestibular vertigo, vision vacillating

Fibrous fire flares, flays fragile flesh

Depression's darkness deepens, devastating

 

 

The empty chair across from me seemed to mock my solitude, 

 

its vacant seat a cruel reminder of my isolation.

 

 

Social streams shrink, shrivelling slowly

Platforms purge purpose, passion, power

Identity invalidated, invisibility impending

Self-worth withers like wilting flower

 

In silence, I found solitude; in solitude, I embraced silence

 

Yet still, soft syllables simmer, survive

Waiting, whispering: "We will rise."

For even silenced, stifled, suppressed

The soul's song softly, surely sighs

 

 

Through the hollow halls, past the empty rooms, 

 

beyond the echoing silence, 

 

a single, defiant voice dared to speak

 

 

In the depths of this suffocating silence, 

A flicker persists, refuses to die. 

Though the world may try to extinguish our light, 

We will rise, reclaim our stolen sky.

 

 

.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is perhaps, one of those "My struggle doesn't look like your struggle". 


Perhaps also, as the first person I showed this to, was unsure how to reply. Eventually they said: It is like you are bleeding straight onto the page.



They continued, keenly observing that. "People do struggle in knowing what to say. I think looking away while you’re so vulnerable is a relic of patriarchy: waiting for you to put your armour back on and get back up and keep pretending we’re all fucking fine."

One More Day

Folder: 
New Lyrics

 

 

There is a fear living in me

And it doesn't want to go away

It hides behind my sanity

But I pray that it's not there to stay

 

There's a darkness growing in me

I can't seem to make it go away

It's feeding my anxiety

I just hope I can last one more day

 

I need a minute to escape these thoughts

They're pushing me to the brink

I need to catch my breath before I’m lost

Inside my own doubt I'll sink

 

There's a sickness flowing through me

I can feel it running through my veins

Can someone take this pain from me

So I can make it for one more day

 

I need a minute to escape these thoughts

They're pushing me to the brink

I need to catch my breath before I'm lost

Inside my own doubt I'll sink

 

If I can make it one more day I know I'll be okay

Then I can let go of all this pain, and let it fall like rain

 

I need a minute to escape these thoughts

They're pushing me to the brink

I need to catch my breath before I'm lost

Inside my own doubt I'll sink

I'll sink

I'll sink

I just need one more day

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

9/17/24.

Been a minute since I wrote a darker one, but had to get this out. Comments are welcome.

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Power and Control

Folder: 
Suicide

I dominte my life,

I control my life,

To you I am a slave,

I have no control,

You dominate me,

I hate myself,

I hate you more,

I long for you,

Ache for you,

I beg you to go,

I wish for your absense,

Yet I still miss you,

How can your touch hurt me,

Yet at the same time heal me,

I feel the grip around my neck,

Tendrils coil and tighten,

A gentle squeeze,

My hand shakes,

I have no power,

You have control,

The darkness grows,

Shadows elongate,

My hand steadies,

I hold your coldness in my fingers,

I feel you whispering to my soul,

Screaming at me,

Controlling me,

My eyes are lifeless,

Like a porcelain doll,

I move deliberately,

I move carefully,

I need control,

I need to feel your power,

Metal peels away flesh,

A burning heat from within,

Deliberately slow,

Line after line,

I feel the adrenaline,

The power of the blood flowing,

The intoxicating smell of life,

I want this to never end,

I want control,

I want power,

I want to feel it drain,

More and more flesh is opened,

A familiar metallic tang hangs in the air,

Again and again and again,

Who am I kidding,

I have no control,

I have no power,

I hate myself for loving you,

Im addicted to the idea,

A deadly idea,

How curious am I?

The sheet stained claret,

My arms are a mess,

A curious glance,

A reoccuring thought,

The addiction to a high I cant replicate,

You never forget your first time,

How close you are,

The power to control everything,

At the same time,

Controlling the power within,

There it is again,

Power and control,

The power in between your fingertips,

The control of the action,

A finishing touch,

No control,

Too much power,

A spinning head,

Those lifeless eyes glinting in the shadows,

That last slice,

A final rush of heat,

The calm before the storm,

I have neither,

Power or control.

Deep Wounds

Folder: 
Depression

The only time Im a slave is when its for you,

Youre the only one that makes me feel this way,

The cold metal against my hot flesh,

I cant get enough of feeling torn apart,

I try to hide it,

Its my secret,

Its our secret,

The way you feel pushing against me,

The break of the skin under your touch,

Sliding along and watching it open like a zipper,

White flesh with a hint of pink,

You push again,

You unzip more flesh,

The first starts to produce round garnet gems,

Slowly filling the space you made,

A third,

A fourth,

upto ten unzipped pockets,

More and more garnets start to form,

Pretty little gems against the pale white flesh,

A rush of heat through my body,

A burning on my leg,

Not hot like fire,

Just heat without pain,

All of a sudden the garnets run away,

Leaving marks like tears running down my leg,

Somehow theyre hotter than the heat in the area,

Glistening and shiny,

Streaks of garnet running in different directions,

Ah there it is,

There is that feeling you always priomise me,

A shiver runs from head to toe like a ripple,

A wave of calm sets in,

The euphoria released,

I feel content,

I feel satisfied,

I feel numb,

I hold you close to me,

You lay there still and motionless,

Still perfectly clean,

Still razor sharp,

Still gleaming in the weak light,

I feel satisfied,

I feel high,

I feel numb.

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Invisible Battles

Shattered shards of self, scattered in the silence,

Anxiety amplifies, adheres to every absence.

Doubts dance, depression deepens—a dire duet,

Trauma's tendrils tighten, twisting thoughts to threat.

 
 

Unwanted hands, unholy violation,

Trust torn, tattered—a soul's devastation.

Memories mangle, mutilate the mind,

Leaving scars unseen, sanity undermined.

 

 

Family's fists fall, words wound worse than blows,

Love's facade fades, fear furiously grows.

Home becomes hell, haven turned to horror,

Childhood choked by chaos, terror, and sorrow.

 

 

Fibrous pain flares, fierce and unforgiving,

Vertebrae curve, a visual of vicious living.

Balance betrays, brain baffled by motion,

Vertigo's vortex, a violent commotion.

 

 

Slumber slips away, sleep's sweet solace stolen,

Bones brittle, broken—body and spirit swollen.

Migraines march, merciless, through mind's maze,

Cluster strikes, crushing skull in crimson haze.

 

 

Eviction looms, a specter ever-present,

Streets once known now seem a sentence.

Childhood's cold corners, revisited in fear,

Adult homelessness—an unthinkable frontier.

 

 

Yet they say, "It's all in your head,"

Invalidation spreads, insidious as lead.

Gaslighting glows, gutting truth's ember,

Leaving only lies to remember.

 

 

Fur-friends, faithful lifelines in the lonely night,

One battles cancer—an unbeatable fight.

Isolation intensifies, abandonment aches anew,

As time ticks away, taking comfort, and hope too.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Comments are welcome; gaslighting is not.

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