family

I'm not sorry

I'm not sorry for giving you up!

I am sorry I was not given the tools to be a better mother.

I am sorry for all the pain and suffering you endured over the years. 

I'm not sorry for walking away, as I believe it would have been worse had I stayed!

I can not change the past.

I live in the present and look to the future.

Dwelling only prolongs the pain.

 

I'm not sorry for giving you tuff love.

Sometimes it's the only way to love.

I don't have all the answers,

I have my feelings, emotions and experiences!

I'm very happy that you were able to break the cycle,

able to raise your children.

I am sorry I was not able to be a part of your lives.

I'm sorry I missed out on so many memories.

I am not sorry I gave you life.

 

June 13 2022

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I regret not being able to care for my children! Addiction and mental illness can and does rob us of so much!

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Family: The most Important Agent of Socialization

Family is considered the most vital agent of socialization because kids are most frequently greatly reliant on their families and family is the leading source to teach progenies their customs, ideals, and principles. It is done by the parents verbally and non-verbally. Family assists in cultivating the echelons of faith, freedom, enterprise, a sense of skill, and determination and help them to make proper choices in life.


Many scholars accept as true that the family is a predominantly significant establishment of socialization as it executes the decisive tasks of socializing the youngsters and takes care of the sensitive necessities of its members. Moreover, a stable family reinforces social order and financial steadiness.

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It Gets Better - January 27, 2021

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Chapter Three

It Gets Better

January 27, 2021

 

Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.

Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed

since I was younger and had more time to write.

I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.

 

I've hoped for so long that I could find a place

where I can be myself and not have to chase

validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.

I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.

 

I have love all around me, with my family and friends.

They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.

I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand

that these problems I have are out of my hands.

 

It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.

If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.

I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,

just to have this cycle repeat itself again.

 

When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,

there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think

about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.

I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.

 

The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol

have never helped me feel better at all.

The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever

is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."

 

It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists

that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.

I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,

but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.

 

To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,

I don't want you to think that any of you shared

a part in this self-destructive game of my life.

In the end, everything will be all right.

 

Nothing will change in the world outside my own.

Everyone else will have a place they call home.

My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,

maybe for the others, it actually does get better.

if tomorrow i dont see!

If Tomorrow I Dont See!            02/23/20
             

one day while i was sitting around and thinking about you all
The thought had crossed my mind when my number God would call
When memories of your childhood flashed thru my mind to me
and i was thinking i didnt say enough if tomorrow i dont see
then i thought about the day you was born and smiled from ear to ear
i watched you sleep those first few days afraid you'd disappear
thru the rough times i spent on my knees praying for God to set us free
once again that thought had crossed my mind if tomorrow i dont see
did i help you accomplish all your dreams and keep you safe till i depart
have i said enough thru out your life so you'll know whats in my heart
then my fathers words came back to me and they have set me free
he simply said remember i will always love you if tomorrow i dont see!
zoeycup

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i wrote this one for my kids  hope you like it

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Goodbye for now

Can it be real

or am I just fooling myself?  

To believe that your love for me

Has not been put on a shelf

 

Packed away and discarded

Like an old photo or toy

Your pure and unconditional love

Like when you were a boy  

 

Innocent and sweet

You held me in your heart

But now the years and life’s challenges

Have torn us apart

 

You have chosen a path

That is rocky and tough

And my guidance and attempts to divert you

 Have not been enough

 

You ran from youth fast

Confused and unsure

Towards the deceitful blinding light

Of adulthoods allure

 

As I stand here and watch you stumble

Like when you took your first steps

But now unable to help or reach out to you

Now that you’ve fallen into the depts

 

But my hand will always be within reach for you

And my heart open wide

To take hold of either

If you should ever decide

 

I wish you only happiness

And pray you will find

All the things you’ll need in your life

To replace what you’ve left behind

 

I will say goodbye to you

But only for now

Because I know you will find your way back to me

Someday or somehow

Author's Notes/Comments: 

written for my son during turmoil in his teens.

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dark night

as silence leave its place 

hatred took guarantee

leaving all memories behind 

thou couldn't see anything

 

tears roll down from everybody's eyes 

without noise at various intensity

heart filled so high

hatred took guarantee

still, she wanted to stop this race

 

caring was always there

love or war

whichever in the way

as heart poured out

calling your name

hatred in ones heart

took its place

 

the whole night was so big, so scary

seems like darkness worked its part

took light from our soul

put darkness in our heart

 

tears roll down 

without any noise 

how come thou couldn't hear anything

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cancer kills

All alone with the voices inside of my head. ill put my pride to the side and write it out the rest. 

I hate how cancer kills the one you love and not the one you hate instead. 

it puts you through so much pain, id rather see hell, face my demons and be better off dead then to see another loved one go through that again. 

Your body is eating you from the inside out and theres nothing you can do cry and take pain meds. 

losing hair and weight at a fast scaling rate. worry and confusion, i swear this all feels like an illuision. 

sitting alone in my room every night thinking why didnt they take you. (maryanne)

they didnt take the right one, and now its fucking me up in the head.

trying to sort this shit out like why god?

why take not her instead.. 

take the crackhead.

not someones mother, a family friend.

but you cant pick and choose

so let me cry and lay in my bed. Wishing i can see you again and tell you all the things i never said. 

see your face and tell you that i love you, and thank you again.

youre in a better place, with danny. so atleast youre happy. 

im sorry for the pain this shit has put you thru. its a cold world, but atleast i got to know you.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

for Elaine Mousie 

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I cry for you Argentina

I cry for you Argentina

hectic planet’s southern corner

land of passion, crazy arena

aforetime our bonds were stronger.

 

No longer yours, you never mine

our lives belonged together once

I used to taste your scarlet wine,

your gorgeous girls, your charming dance.

 

The friends from ages, forgotten stories

so much privation, my heart is sore

my aging parents, the elder brothers

your call is clear I shall wait no more.

 

Exultant hugs, reunion is great

my parent’s sanctuary regaining life

but there is an end, a settled date

cruel farewell that sticks its knife.

 

I’ve seen those humid agates before

I've heard how silence can drown the wail

hair-raising feeling on every pore

they'll stand upright, I will be frail.

 

Oh, childhood playground! my old-time shelter

long time impeded of children laughing

no words no tears, this way is better

my love, my kids, my home are waiting.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Leaving your childhood place leaves a mix of sweet and sour feelings. Visiting back your birth country is an emotional experience.

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Safe Inside The Locket

That face is never getting old with time.
It still bring me close and you not afar
From time present. Small morning here dreams alone
And love-gate open, for memory to come home.
All things that make you who you are
Gifts and robs the soul at once:
Those blessings giving, and curses retaining
As they were with you,
They are with me here now.
Even death dust cannot touch the evergreen
Of grandchildren their days not yet seen.