Depression

Shattered Heart

We thought it was LOVE

When we busted the facade

I learn it was lusted affair

I only wanted to win your affection

Yet you pin me as imperfection

I rush the the threshold, pausing at the gate

Heart rate pounding, your hate rising

This angry tide consuming, pushing me further

I want off this insane ride of yours

 

Our luck is fucked

I look down at my phone, silent now

The shattered screen, like my busted heart

All bucked up, cracked

You did a number on me

Your mean love made my spirit lean

 

Cleaning you out of me

Rattle my beans

As I battle the poison

You breed in me

The greed of your kisses

I piss myself when you hit me

Now I hiss your name in vain

I wouldn't play your game

So now I drop my cape

Tape my busted heart

 

Heal best as I can

Peel off the exhaustion

I cannot rest

My chest constricting

Anxiety at head lights behind me

I asked for kindness, not blindness

Rightfully, that would be love

 

What was our marriage

What was our dream

I scream at the greyness

Smashing the madness

The badness, ripping your hooks out

Now I look at my cracked screen

Reminding myself what is left of my heart

The Mess You Left Behind

Folder: 
Poems.

Unsure how to process,

I am living on the edge of forgotteness,

While today, taking out the trash,

Nearly gave me whiplash,

To the past I found myself agazed,

Upon the rough, unforgettable haze,

Containing the choices you have made,

And how I just try my best to wade,

Through the pain,

That left a permanent stain,

And through the disappointment,

That took my enjoyment,

The person that lived in that room,

The one that lacked a broom,

That person was not you,

At least not the one I ever knew,

Having kept that aspect of you separate from my mind,

It was easier to have your role clearly be defined,

But now there's another person that's been along for the ride,

And it takes strength to learn to coincide.

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Heartache

Folder: 
Band Lyrics

Verse 1: My heart aches in pain To be healed of these timeless scars. Maybe, if I keep faking it, Things will illuminate. Light the way.


Chorus: Show me what it means to live Show me the meaning of love. Show me what I cannot see 'Cause I am alone in this world. I am a lonely self in the darkness... Waiting aimlessly to be free Of pain, suffering, and worries.


Verse 2: My voice and story will be heard. Now, is the time for me to Rise from the ashes. Like a moth drawn to the flames, I will be heard. The heart blooming yet shattered, Yearns to be heard.


Bridge: This tattered heart, Torn into pieces, Aches to belong In this world... I am nothing on my own. But, I also know that I am nothing without you.



Author's Notes/Comments: 

Reality of living with C-PTSD and Depression atop anxiety and being bullied for Autism...

I'm afraid

I'm afraid
Of losing
Of being a disappointment
So I never try
I'm afraid
Of being a nuisance
Of being betrayed
So I never get close
I'm afraid
Of being alone
Of my emotions
So I close myself off
I'm afraid
Of myself
I'm so very afraid

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It's not good but I just need to write something before I explode, might delete it later

Buzzcut Boy

Folder: 
Confessions

It's not you,

It's not me,

It's not him

It's the world that has been

sucking us back in

to the dark void it's yet to fill

devouring our rainbows and

any shade and trace of light

and everything we hold dear

 

It's not you

It's not me

It might be

the words of a madman that

have devoured me piece by piece

ever since

until I suffocate and dissolve

into the nothingness I feel

at 3 a.m.

 

And I'm sorry if you knew this only now.

 

It's not you

It's not him

It's the constant fear

that has built a home

out of the shanties of my heart

Pulling the strings,

the triggers

on its whim

 

And I'm sorry but it's already won the war, I believe

 

It's not you

It's not me

It's not him

It's the inevitability I cannot escape

And so in silence, I shall

roam this world and carry

the memories of us,

your buzzcut and my smile,

and the glow I basked on with

in that April afternoon.

 

Forget about me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about how depression affects love.

Depression [Haqueian Verse]

Folder: 
Haqueian Verse

Depression,


Is a curse,


It kills joy,


Leads to,

 

Aggression!

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I can’t… But, Why? By jfarrell I can’t… I haven’t prepared… What if…. I could give a million reasons. I can’t bare the humiliation. A broken leg may hurt, But… SNAP! It’s over Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart Relived everytime you sleep Re-

I can’t… But, Why?

By jfarrell

 

I can’t…

I haven’t prepared…

What if….

I could give a million reasons.

 

I can’t bare the humiliation.

A broken leg may hurt,

But… SNAP!

It’s over

 

Humiliation is barbed wire through the heart

Relived everytime you sleep

Re-experienced everytime you close your eyes

Always there

 

I can’t ask out a woman because the ‘No’

Is like using a boxcutter on my heart

For everyone to see

For everyone to laugh…. forever

 

Over and over I would relive that humiliation

I couldn’t help myself

And, that’s why

I can’t

Author's Notes/Comments: 

pathetic, i know

Lying Shadow

Fall into my arms 

My deepest love 

I will tell you soft lies 

You will me in disguise 

 

I am in your head

You will believe me instead 

I will tell you your lies 

You will see me only in diguise

 

I am in your soul 

No part of you 

is in control

I will tell you lies 

You will see me only ever in disguise 

 

You are lost in confusion

You can't handle emotion

I will tell you lies 

You will never believe otherwise 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Comments and helpful critques are welcome. Laughing

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A drunk, long before I found alcohol By jfarrell

A drunk, long before I found alcohol

By jfarrell

 

 

Used to watch my dad come home from the pub

And beat his wife and kids

Used to see my mum plied with drink

To walk out with a man and humiliate all of us,

Humiliate me, again

 

When we got taken into Care,

I didn’t know alcohol was involved

(found that out recently)

But, at least that first time drunk

Scared me back into being teetotal

 

I found alcohol at 25 and fell in love with being inebriated.

Up til then, I’d always had a ‘drink problem’

though teetotal,

Fear that one taste I’d end up like them

Fear I’d become him

 

Maybe I’m not far off him, not that different,

I have no wife or kids, so don’t know if I’d hurt them

Maybe I’m just as blind to how alcohol changes me

As he was blind. That’s why

I was a drunk, long before I found alcohol.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

not sure what makes me smarter than my dad, if i am