Depression

musings on time

the world is not as small as I used to believe

Nor is it as forgiving

Heroes do not refer to the morally infallible,

But to people who did the necessary, right thing at the right time

Villains, then, are not those who seek darkness, but those who have embraced darkness as a means to justify an end

Justice picks favorites,

and mercy is fleeting

There is no peace without war,

and no war without crime

Happiness is not a state of mind, but a gift from time to time

Family is not forever, for better or worse

Wickedness and violence walk closely to love and loyalty:

you are hurt more often by those you trust than by strangers

Time passses more and more quickly every year you live

Loyalty is inevitably rewarded with treachery

Goodness is fleeting, but so is viciousness

People you love will leave you,

but you in turn will leave people who love you

There is no great end to a life, only an unexpected cessation

Honor, loyalty, and duty are used to justify violence

The powerful prey on the weak

The world is not as small as I used to believe

And the passage of time corrupts the heart,

dulls the mind

and rots the body.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A lamentation for the weary who enjoy weariness

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The River

 

you thought you could get away

with all your grimy sins

perhaps you thought there's no god

perhaps you think there is

either way

it's a lone, cold fall

and the river is just a mouth

she opens wide

she's selling secrets inside

are you willing to pay the price?

 

put you back to the wall my brother

put your back to the wall my friend

put you face to the river

she opens wide to let you in

every damn day is a long damn day

but the river has no fears

whether she eats

today or tomorrow

or fasts for a hundred years

 

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The Off Grid Life

the off-grid life.

untied from the shackles of strife,

2017, the modern existence,

getting on the property ladder, how does anyone have a chance?
20, 25 or 30, forced to work to pay every bill,

going to work all hours, struggling to find a way, a life against our will,

needing the money from any form of work, mostly unprogressive, unhappy 
life passing by, frustrating, anger, decreasing self-worth, causing individuals to be snappy

unfulfilled, potentials are not met, working a job all day, unable to progress,

money is the key factor, for bills to be met, let me digress.

often they still aren't causing pain and suffering, stress and depression,

homelessness is rife through the country, a feeling of regression,

a feeling of being stuck, how to retrain and improve your careers?
speak to friends or family and the same conversation, doubts, and fears
if only another option was available,

one that was accepted and not just for the vulnerable,

the homeless, the people with nothing,

but how is this existence different? it is truly crushing,

once you can see that your life is consumed with working for money,

the soul has passed, your energy too, it can get so hard it's not even funny,

but who understands? in the face of consumerism, higher purchase, loans, and debt,

who is living a life, truly satisfied, and their dreams are met?

Not all people living off-grid are rich in cash!
but they aim for other needs; security in food & energy, it's worth a bash,


 

a growing transition for many people too,

it's not just for the hippies, the spiritual, it's for people like me and you,

think about it for a moment or two...

who would you be without your car, house and your possessions?
is that person you portray the real you? or do you blend in so people don't ask questions?
are you honest with your family and friends?

or do you sit behind a desk wishing it would end?
there is a wealth of knowledge of old traditions,

from a time when they lived without these conditions,

the conditions of social media, advertising, marketing ads or vlogs

when screen time didn't consume every waking hour, and children were fascinated with tadpoles transforming into frogs.

hours spent outside, climbing trees, playing at the park,

not allowed home unless it was tea time or had gotten dark.

 

a shift is happening, ecotherapy, wild schooling, bushcraft, and hikes,

forest schooling, homeschooling, people walking and out on their bikes,

scientists are noticing the effects on children's behaviors, reduced health issues,

ADHD,  also a boost in self-awareness, positivity, confidence and mental health issues

is it easier to sit a child down to hours in front of the tv, or ipad?

than it is to spend a few hours playing down the park with dad?

or baking a cake with mum, the importance of these skills are being misplaced,

in this consumerism world, with employees a number, in a life so fast-paced.

 

Off-grid living, the communities hidden away,

all they want is a parcel of land to look after their needs, but hey,

that's not possible, 'cause where will the local council get their tax,

with the community, living off the land, growing food and chopping wood with an axe,

the need and usage of government-owned services would become minute,

living simply and within your skills of the land, renewables used, an abundance of fruit,

food preserved in many forms, jams and chutneys, frozen meat,

enough food to last year-round to survive through winter, or in the heat,

the food produced off the land, tending the garden, and grown for nutrition,

the most important for life and health also said to aid in remission.

off grid homesteaders, don't need to take the flack,

with health as the focus, working outdoors to provide, lowering the need for prozac,
comments from shallow minded people need not be said,

the power of community, working together, I want to spread,

to include children in the transition, of conserving nature and our wildlife,

 

the tranquil setting amongst the seasons, watching the stars, that's my type of nightlife.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is my first time sharing my poetry, (after a few friends encouraged me that I should) please be kind and send your thoughts.

Also all words are opinions of myself in the modern world that we live in. 

This is not meant to cause offense, harm, upset to anyone, and if it does please understand that is not my intention.

 

Many thanks,

test#00

I saw a beheading today

 

As I sat caressing my new shoes

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Another Mask

Is it really what's right

Or just a temporary high?

I've found myself wearing another mask

Running each way yet I always meet the same past

It makes me wonder if I was ever truly happy

Or if it was a self-played attempt

To cover a beast so big that has had me scared to acknowledge

Years-

I never even saw the tip of the iceberg

Always looming but

Willingly kept from focus

My father calls it a black dog

Indeed it is, dad.

Too big to be carried

Yet he jumps

Snaps the last strand of what

Little glimpse of hope I thought I had

Nobody can see how bad this is

I can't even see it myself

But it hovers, oh I can feel it-

Swallow the happy Jack trying daily to manifest

Yet to see that these things don't just go away

It pries at me gently

Weathers me down as water did stone

And engraves deeper my shortcomings

Year after year

 

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The Lobby

I'm stuck writing in this lobby

Here to distract myself from stepping out

As if things in life will approach me

While I'm just blending in

Positioned to be perfectly spotted

Yet appearing unaware

Perhaps this is why the world

Continues to grow distant

 

This is supposed to be my attempt

At keeping off the phone

 

The Phone

 

That filthy whore-

Demanding my attention endlessly

She wraps her gentle white glow

Around my primal brain

Red heels and waxed legs

Disguised as a stream of information

An endless flow

Rages rivers of dopamine

I chase endlessly the carrot she holds before me

And when my body taps out

I am left sunken and numb

The river dries

Until the next late night

 

 

 

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My Thoughts (4th Edition)

Folder: 
Short Essays

 

 

As the days and nights go by, I see through the window where

my days go by. I see a new future for me, but somehow I am blocked from the
window being open and my spirit going Free. Somehow my arms are not “strong” enough
to open the window.
I know that I will eventually get there; but at the moment I am unsure.
The last time I wrote a “My Thoughts” Essay; I was then questioning my friends,
life, and religion which was about 17 years ago. Today I question “myself” on
“who am I?”
I have been for several years now and yet my answers have been unknown.
I still wonder on who I am to be honest. On what is my purpose in life &
society; etc. But I have yet to figure that one out.
I question those around me, through me, beyond me, and those next to me.
I question that both in front and behind me as well as beneath and above.
Where ever I look; I see the unknown which consists of many empty hallways with
no doors beyond that of which is behind me.
I walk down the never ending walls; but I see no light at the end, but also no
light behind me.
If I do see a door; I open it and all I see is emptiness. I close the door and
the hallway I once stood becomes a different hallway I don’t recognize.
Each hallway I re-enter is different. And again I start questioning about Life,
Friends, Happiness, and Religion.
I know who my friends are and I know they care a lot about me as I do with
them; but there are times I feel emptiness and I don’t do enough credit to go
out and be with them. Mostly because I work almost seven days a week and I miss
out on many many things with them and beyond both jobs.
I worry that I have been sinking into the rabbit hole a little too fast but at
the same time I take two steps forward with three steps back.
And when I see I am taking three steps forward, it feels like I double in steps
at times.

I miss my old self. But due to both jobs, it is hard to see myself enjoy life.
All I do is move forward too fast and not wait and take a breather. But when I
do, it is only for a few minutes and then I go back to the same routine. *sigh*

As I continue to write about my thoughts....

I can never understand why people talk to one another and then rumors spread to
the point where others talk behind ones back. I thought it be a secret, but I
was wrong!!
A friend that I trust told me someone talks behind your back and then it hit me
right away who. And a day it made me think while I was working on why would
that person tell another on how a certain topic is what is considered hitting
on them. No, I was just having a random conversation, but this person thinks otherwise...
This person thinks he/she knows me; but this person has no idea what I am
really going through. This person does not know my inner thoughts; but prayers,
my “what if’s”, etc. Only knows what I have told that person.
Yea, stupid of me to share much of my information; but I tend to do that to
many people and always feel back stabbed when others find out.
I doubt this people knows all of my other crushes which I don’t tell others
about because it is a “need to know” basis which is why I do not want to ruin
many many friendships in the process. But since I already know their answers;
it is best for me to keep those secrets deep within myself and to keep quiet.
It is for the best and for others not to know.
This is why we all have secrets hidden in our day to day basis. Just like “The
Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. We all have those secrets.
Some want to become super heroes; while others want to be a simple Joe. Maybe we
don’t want to be that that we want to become, but that who we wish to be even
if it takes decades to get there.
Life is not as easy as one thinks it is; but many take short cuts to get there
even if they are considered the “best”, while nice ones are left at the end of
the line or chosen last. We are hardly ever given second chances and when we
do; we are cut. Yet those that are finished “First”, are only given a slap on
the wrist and are usually asked not to do it again.
Life I know works in mysterious ways; but at the same time, life is unfair too.
Every day I question myself, but I also question my friends, myself, my
surroundings, even if we live in the Matrix. Do we really or is it just a
figment of one’s imagination?
Also to this day, I still wonder if anyone has had a crush on me because I know
many have thought that both I was weird and some even today still think I am
weird anyways. (Even if I am, but you get the picture). I have been told many
times that I will find someone “soon”, but define the word, “soon”? That could
lead to different levels in everyday life as in a week, month, years, or even
decades. I am starting to lose hope to be honest. This makes me go deeper into
being alone, solitude and staying home all day or even working even more.
I never had that opportunity of hanging out with friends many times. And if I
did, it was always “them” being the ones to pick. If I had to pick, they didn’t
like it and suggest something different. I know these times happened fourteen
years ago; but at times it still happens because is why when I
“travel/site-see”, I rather travel alone then with others. If I do “tag” along,
I usually stay quiet.
Of course, I don’t deny about the fun times that I do have with those that I
trust and am friends with; but at times I feel like a third wheel sometimes.

I also don’t understand why people are constantly calling out or late to jobs,
meet ups, etc. I at times I understand if you forgot your alarm clock or if
there is traffic; but constantly should not be “excused”. When you are out on
your own and need to pay bills, pay rent, etc; one needs to be a responsible
adult and “grow up”; but I feel some take the easy road and do not become
responsible “enough” to life, work, etc. Sorry, but getting drunk constantly is
not what being an adult is all about. I know I have become an “old man” as to
what some friends say, but I pay all my bills on time, I am always at work on
time, and I hardly call out. Yet these people only get a “slap” on the wrist
and those are indeed on time, they get fired or written up. I know, Life ain’t
fair!

Why I never understood is why those that cheat the system only get slapped on
the wrist while those that follow the rules by the book are either written up
or fired? As it is said, “the good ones always finish last”.  This is what I feel at times. I understand I
am “weird”, as many see me that way. I won’t deny it; but at the same time,
some will not listen to me if I ask them to do something. As if I am brushed
off the shoulder or transparent.
I know, life ain’t fair; but at the same time; those don’t make life easy
either for others.
I always see that if a team player calls out, the team loses at the end of the
day and the team may become weak as well. But if the team is at full strength
and they win the game.

All this may be all mumble-jumble, but I write as what comes out of my mind and
onto paper.

And as my mind continues to talk as I stress almost each day... I continue to
think many many questions about my life, my family, my friends, both my jobs,
and most of all.. My future spouse if I ever wonder if I will have one. I know
I stress and think too much about it; but I feel that at times I will be
“forever alone”. From which this has led to my loneliness thoughts, depression,
etc. I know I should be positive about it; but sadly I do not. Which is also
why I have no “outside” life or social life since I work too much.
Back when I was in New Jersey, I sort of had more control, but not as much
really... I met with only a few and even they had busy lives; so in reality, I
hardly ever went out to begin with (as I have mentioned it above before
already). My social life is zilch. Yes, I do have an online social life and I
have met with several friends from work outside of work; but beyond that, I do
not have no outside friends since I have moved to Texas (excluding those that I
met via my past). Because sometimes I do not even know where to start. Don’t
get me wrong, I do, but I am not a bar type of person, I’m too old for clubs
(yes, I am too old in my own eyes); and my “so-called” pick-up lines are
horrible since I am sure every women has heard them before.
I know people should just say, “Hello, I am....”, but I am not brave enough for
that.
Yes, I am nearing Forty, and I am both shy & a coward to women. I understand
it is not something to be proud of, which I am, but I have come to see it
several times.
People always wondered on why I am still unmarried to this day since I flirt
all the time with customers (for good customer service; and I am not denying that
either) , and have liked countless of women in my life, and I cannot seem to
last more than three years with relations; but honestly, I am scared to go
beyond. :-/ Because I am not able to fulfill my destiny and I throw back myself
into looking desperate and that is when women think I am a weird/creepy guy.
And I have come to accept it at times, sadly.
Unsure what I am doing wrong too. People have told me I should change the way I
act, think, present myself, how I dress or even get a new haircut. But that is
not me or who I am. I am just a simple “joe” at times. I am Me... or where I have
placed it in another way, “I am who I am and therefore I am”.
As a ride at one of my jobs, there is a plaque that reads, “You are more
powerfull then you will ever imagine!” (yes, I know “powerful” is misspelled).
I wish that was true at times because then I hope that for a better &
brighter “Me”.

I am sure one day I will be able to find many answers to the following
questions: “Who am I?”, “Why I am here?”, “What do you see?”. But for now, I
hope someone can hear my thoughts & prayers other than God himself when I
try to talk to him (I know he is always listening; but at times I feel ignored
because I know millions are always asking for thousands of question throughout
the entire day 24/7/365.
So as I lay on my bed, in my car, at my jobs’ breaks, I wonder what Life lies
beyond the rim, the stars, the galaxy, life in general and I will wonder what
my next chapter in life, careers, etc are tomorrow and the next day as I embrace life to the
fullest and dream in my sleep and looking forward for a new day, each day since
every day is Day One always because I know between Family, Friends, and
Coworkers, I see that “We Built On Each Other” (from Lego Clutch Powers) to
succeed in life!!

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A new and updated version from my previous "My Thoughts" short essay I wrote back in 2000 which three "updates" from it.  Decided to write a new & fresh one from scratch with 'similar' ideas from the previous one.

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"Non-Communicable"

Folder: 
Quotes

by Jeph Johnson

 

Depression is a communicable disease you catch from others being non-communicative.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2017

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Heal, damn you

Heal, damn you

By jfarrell

 

It is 7 weeks before my 50th birthday

And I just want my depression gone. Forever;

This illness’, this ‘condition’; this curse;

Heal, damn you! Let it go.

 

After 38 years, you’d think it’d be cured by now;

All the money and time spent in therapy;

Or I’d have learned to accept it;

Heal, damn you! I need to live.

 

With no cure, I grow very old, alone,

Living off tea and biscuits because it’s all I can afford;

Who’d want that?

Heal, damn you! Don’t condemn me to that.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my mind is my prison - but i found a sledge hammer :-)

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