Depression

Free

She is forever fighting her demons.
They come out of hiding and dance
With her mind and consume her soul.
She wants to get rid of them but even
With the proper dosage of medication it only does so much.
She still has her demons mocking her.
They taunt her telling her that her life isn't worth living.
As hard as she tries she can't stop the voice in her mind telling her to end it.
Her devils feed off of her pain and suffering.
She can hear them laughing at her. 
They have her heart and soul chained.
She tries to break free. 
She yells and cries for help.
Yet her pleas go unheard by those around her.
She ponders if death would be an easy
escape from her personal hell.
She feels as if she can't fight anymore.
The demons in her mind and soul
start chanting to just do it.

The voice in her mind starts sounding like a broken record.

End it now because no one will notice that you are gone nor will they care.
They remind her that she won't have to wear a mask anymore, she won't have to fake her smiles and laughter.
All of it will be over and she will finally be free. 
As much as she doesn't want to she feels
that is the only way to escape her own personal hell and she will stop being a burden on those around her.
She knows deep down no one would care that she was gone, nor would they miss her. 
She takes the new razor blade out of its package.
She looks at with tears filling up in her eyes.
She knows she is making the right choice. 
Slowly she starts cutting at her veins.
The pain is nothing to what she feels inside.
As she watches the blood run out of her veins she starts
Feeling the peace she had been looking for.
The pain inside of her is slowly leaving as she watches the blood draining from her wrist.
A brief thought of its not too late to stop the bleeding.
But she is at the point that she doesn't care anymore.
Why should she?

Why she would want to live?

Why would she want to stop the bleeding when all of her pain that she has carried around for so long is now making a pool on the floor?
No one would notice she was gone.
The only good thing of it would be she would be
out of her own hell.
And the demons couldn't bother her anymore.
They would finally be gone.

She would be free from all pain.

Maybe through death she could find the peace that
she could never find before.
Her tormented soul would be free forever from all things and her demons will be gone. 
With that she watches the razor blade disappear into the puddle of blood on the floor. 
A real smile finally comes across her face as she feels herself leaving this cold world and cruel world.
She is at peace for the first time in her life and she is finally free of the things that kept her bound.
She is free of everything.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Like many people with depression, I had decided that I was fine and better. I didn’t need anymore medication. Then on this roller coaster ride of depression, comes the yay I’m better for awhile; then comes the crashing blow; you aren’t better you just went and fucked yourself up big time. And that’s what happened. Without meds for a bit plays with my head. It lets in some shady fuckers. And when they come to play, I will tell you it’s a fight to see who will win. 

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Loneliness

Loneliness

By jfarrell

 

It’s not about people,

Or numbers of people;

You spend time with hundreds of people everyday,

Some of them the same people…..

 

But,

When you can’t connect… make a link… a spark….

People I’ve known 20 years are as connected

As people I see on tv or films….

 

To me, that is.

I stop the film, the tv show….

I go home from work…

These people just cease to exist

 

Until tomorrow,

When I see them again.

Loneliness is about not connecting with people….

And, what is ‘connecting with people’…..?

 

I don’t know how to define that….

I assume it’s an ‘emotional’ connection….

“We got a spark between us, we have.”

That’s emotional, right?

 

Or just old corny chat up lines?

When you think of ‘mum’ or ‘dad’….

There’s an emotional element to it?….

Love?…. loyalty?…..

 

I have a mum I hate;

A sister I still won’t see after nearly 36 years;

And recently said goodbye,

To the only “friends” I had.

 

To have ‘connected’….

With someone…..

Ever….

It’s not about people;

 

It’s about connecting with people.

 

And I don’t know how to connect.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

how do you 'connect' with people? make them real?

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Personality Theft

The day shall be imperfect until I find myself
It's pretty hard, I keep trying, I got no inner health

 

 

The cracked mirror
I impatiently wait for the day to be fixed
Hidden fear or
darkness, I couldn't say, the feeling's mixed


Trying to find light within the cracks
Breaking out of night as I listen to the heart attacks
Of the people of broken health I called me, once worn
In the city of myself, not meant to be, a battle born


Cracked skin!
Poison within,
a smile locked in, but inside a fight you couldn't win

Could I stand here and speak lies that this was really me?
Not really, I don't have much of eyes left to see.
as I just kill another one impatiently
so violently.


Until there's a void with complete darkness and nothing left
Just another alleyway destroyed, another empty something, just another personality theft,

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You’re nothing but a bad smell

You’re nothing but a bad smell

By jfarrell

 

2 hours before my 50th birthday…

 

“C’mon 49, hurry up and finish, you’re nothing but a bad smell

I didn’t wanna be here…

But here I am…

And I am starting up a brand new day

 

That was Sting and Coldplay sang start as you mean to go on…

So…

C’mon, hurry up, go, bad smell…

I need something fresher

 

Something new…

I hope I can use my anger, bitterness and downright HATE

To turn this sorry excuse for a life around

And kill that bad smell.

 

For life to begin at 50….

Something has to DIE in 2 hours, right…?

And, I hope it’s that bad smell…

That has been my life up til now.

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

CHEERS!!! here's hoping next year will be better thaan the last 49 for Everyone!

 

;-)

Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas

By jfarrell

 

Happy Christmas to you all.

What does Christmas mean to you?

 

A red suited gentleman and his menagerie

Breaking into your home and eating all your mince pies?

A tinseled christmas tree

With a golden, silver-winged angel sat atop?

Sat around the dining table,

With several generations of your family?

Pulling crackers, carving and sharing the turkey;

Too much food and playing charades after dinner?

A baby born into poverty many years ago,

To grow, to be crucified for us?

Awake all night, too excited to sleep….

If I stay awake, even just one eye… I might see santa…

 

Whatever Christmas means to you…

The very merriest of Christmas’s and may the next year be your best yet.

 

And if, like me, you’re alone…

Or worse…

Sleeping on the streets…

And where-ever’s worse than that…..

 

Don’t give up!

You’re not alone, however much you feel you are.

Christmas is the time for miracles…

Don’t give up!

 

Happy christmas to you all and the best year ever!

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

a very very merry Christmas to everyone, and may this coming year be your best yet, in every way ;-)

To be embraced

To be embraced

By jfarrell

 

To be embraced…

For another’s arms to envelope me,

Hold me close,

Hold me tight;

 

To feel another’s warmth;

Not just the physical closeness, the physical heat;

But… the acceptance..

People wanting to hug me.

 

And I so want be hugged;

I dare not….

What if people knew how desperately I wanted that…

How vulnerable, open to attack and mocking, would that make me?

 

In 3 hours I will be 50….

These past 49 years

Been severely lacking in embraces, hugs and all human contact…

Fingers crossed, they’re all saved up and coming my way now.

 

Otherwise…

What point is there?

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

well... noone can say i'm not trying to change things...

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Demons

Folder: 
Band Lyrics

Verse 1:

"I'm Sorry" is all I have to say.

I've succumbed to my demons.

They do not sink.

Rather they swim.

Always full of doubts,

I let you go.

I let us go.

 

Chorus:

You treat my love

Like it's a game.

You toy with my feelings.

Treat it as you please.

You got my heart 

Under your control.

You're my puppeteer.

 

Verse 2:

I hold back the tears

From the day you left me.

If your feelings changed,

You should have told me.

I still am in love with you.
"You are the one"

Is what I tell my best friend.

 

Bridge:

I cannot move on...

If only you'd give us a chance,

Letting go would not

Be a problem now.

Now, I shall forget you

Because you forgot about us.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

About situationships, friends with benefits, fuck buddies, etc where one person catches feelings but the other doesn't give a fuck. It's unrequited love.

Slap!!

Slap!!

By jfarrell

 

 

Stop being a girl! Stand up and be a man!

SLAP!!

Don’t let them call you names… hit back…

SLAP!!

 

Take the sweets…. and the comics….

SLAP!!

Now, take my member…

SLAP!!

 

How could I have given birth to you?

SLAP!!

You’ve ruined this family!

SLAP!!.

 

You live in a children’s home?

SLAP!!

Lick my shoes, scumbag!

SLAP!!

 

You know you want these magazines… take them….

SLAP!!

Join my gang, take these pills….

SLAP!!

 

35 years later…

My ears are still ringing

From all that slapping.

 

I think it’s called post traumatic distress disorder (PTSD)

But, every psychiatrist I see

Gives me a new label.

Borderline personality disorder, aspberger’s syndrome,

Acute anxiety disorder;

Sexual anxiety, socialphobic….

Depression….

 

Maybe,

It’s none of them things….

I just got slapped about the head too much as a kid;

My ears (and my mind)

Are still ringing from it.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

.... sorry, didn't hear what you said, you'll have to shout above the ringing..... ;-)

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School scraps

School scraps

By jfarrell

 

“My dad’s bigger than your dad!”

…... remember that, from school?

When I got home from school,

With cuts and bruises,

I’d get 7-8 slaps and hits, before

…. “Did you hit back?”

 

Once,

I hit back.

Can’t remember what the fight was about.

Jason was a year younger than me,

A neighbour, a friend, on my estate,

On my block.

 

I beat him up;

His two teenage brothers beat me up.

 

Should’ve ended there.

 

After the customary 7-8 punches,

To get me talking,

to get me to ‘share’…

He stops hitting me…

Squares his shoulders…

And storms out! “No-one gangs up on my kid, like that!”

 

I watched a hero, my hero,

Storm off down the balcony

And start hammering on Jason’s door…

“I WANNA WORD…..

“WHAT YOUR KIDS DID TO MY SON….”

…. the door opened….

 

…..I’d never noticed Jason’s dad before…..

….He was short, nose to chest, with my father…

And my father was not tall…

…..SHOUT, SHOUT, SHOUT….

One punch…

My ‘hero’, my dad, out cold.

 

I saw it all there, don’t know how;

7-8 years old;

Dad gets drunk hits wife and kids….

He’ll only hit… stand up to…

People smaller than him….

Coward… but I still feared him.

 

In 3 days I will be 50….

You know what….

I think I should stop fearing him…

After all…

He died over 25 years ago

And I’d seen him only once since I was 14.

 

3 days before 50 I, finally, realise…

I’m better than you…

And always have been!

I may not be the ‘man’ you think of….

Beating up littler kids to make me feel better….

I am MORE…. greater… then you ever were.

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my dragon's bigger than your dragon ;-)