That feeling, the sensation
It fills you with ease
Whether it's inhilation or ingestion
It's just that pleasing feeling
IT hurts when you quit
It's harder than hell
I've tried giving up
But I never hear the damned bell
The smell
The taste
The feeling
Oh my
All I want is to just fucking die
The addiction is strong
You can't fight the urge
Everyone's doing it
It's that extreme fucking surge
The rush
The high
Nothing can compare
Whether it's sex, drugs or alcohol
It's all about how you feel
When that drug hits the air
You exhale and think
Oh god what have I done
You were tempted again
But this time, you fail
You're never completely clean
Something always pushes you there
Be it friends, media, or thoughts
We all will cave in
So don't be sad
Don't be angry
Pick yourself up
And dust yourself off
And begin your walk to freedom
One step at a time
Higher and Higher
You'll be free again
When that tempest comes near your test will begin
Will you remember your strength
Or fall to your weakness
How will you deal?
Decide like I do
Am I stronger than yesterday
Or weaker than today?
I'm not sorry for giving you up!
I am sorry I was not given the tools to be a better mother.
I am sorry for all the pain and suffering you endured over the years.
I'm not sorry for walking away, as I believe it would have been worse had I stayed!
I can not change the past.
I live in the present and look to the future.
Dwelling only prolongs the pain.
I'm not sorry for giving you tuff love.
Sometimes it's the only way to love.
I don't have all the answers,
I have my feelings, emotions and experiences!
I'm very happy that you were able to break the cycle,
able to raise your children.
I am sorry I was not able to be a part of your lives.
I'm sorry I missed out on so many memories.
I am not sorry I gave you life.
June 13 2022
It Gets Better
January 27, 2021
Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.
Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed
since I was younger and had more time to write.
I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.
I've hoped for so long that I could find a place
where I can be myself and not have to chase
validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.
I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.
I have love all around me, with my family and friends.
They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.
I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand
that these problems I have are out of my hands.
It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.
If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.
I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,
just to have this cycle repeat itself again.
When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,
there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think
about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.
I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.
The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol
have never helped me feel better at all.
The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever
is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."
It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists
that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.
I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,
but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.
To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,
I don't want you to think that any of you shared
a part in this self-destructive game of my life.
In the end, everything will be all right.
Nothing will change in the world outside my own.
Everyone else will have a place they call home.
My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,
maybe for the others, it actually does get better.
I don't know what to write
or what to say or what to feel.
I want help but I'm too afraid
to show anyone what is real with me.
I can't seem to bring myself to terms
with my thoughts of a different future.
I can't change what I am
but if I could, I don't know that I would.
I won't let you go, but it's what holding me back
I won't face what I have, it's control I don't have.
I won't stand up to her and say I don't need you
because you're the worst drug I've ever had.
Let me start over, I swear I'll do better.
Let me have some faith in myself, I might
sleep a night without the toxic thoughts.
Let me feel like I've done something right.
Only the drugs and the alcohol make me
forget where I am, make me forget that I need
them to float above the sea, stop from sinking and
remembering everything and start thinking
about the failure that has given up.
I took her hand
and poured gold in her veins.
There was nothing more I could do.
Georgia stole the drugs in the glovebox
and traded them for passage. I don't
remember Texas. I barely remember
you.
There was a café at the end of the road
where the patio trickled onto the sidewalk
and umbrellas opened like snowdrop petals
allowing only splatters of sunlight to decorate the plates
placed in front of posied forks and clinking glasses.
At noon we sat with people sipping rosé
and nibbling the edges of pastries:
you with your cupcake, I with my
tart. Your mouth full of mischief, you spoke
with your hands to clear my head and
there was something like sweetness
on your fingers. Words sifted between your eyes and
a token of my innocence saw the sun
when icing stuck to your bottom lip.
I barely noticed the tremor in your fingers
when you raised your glass to toast the afternoon or
the acidic taste of the powder I wiped off your nose with my thumb.
I only want what I cant have,
Like Im hooked on poison,
Youre like a drug Im addicted to,
Your smell,
Your touch,
Your power over me,
Things haunt me,
Its all about us,
You know I can keep secrets,
I know you can keep secrets too,
They never said we cant touch,
Just how close can we get?
Will she ever know?
They dont know,
Hold on tight on this ride,
You traded things,
Is that what happiness feels like for you?
I know you enjoy the danger,
Maybe not as much as me,
That spark is there in your eyes when I look,
I think youre scared of how it feels,
You might enjoy it,
If you lose yourself in the pleasure,
How will you come back from it?
Why do I get the feeling youre craving something youve never had?
I never crossed the line,
If we even have a line,
Tell me something,
How far can I push you?
How close can we get before you run?
You look at me with those eyes,
Knowing the power they have over me,
Youre beautiful,
Youre completely enchanting,
Youre the source of my addiction,
Your eyes,
Your lips,
Your smell,
Your touch,
Your body against mine,
Your breath on my neck,
The feel of you against my lips,
The feel of you against my hands,
The feeling of you responding.
Im addicted to you like Ive been poisoned and youre the cure.
Unsure how to process,
I am living on the edge of forgotteness,
While today, taking out the trash,
Nearly gave me whiplash,
To the past I found myself agazed,
Upon the rough, unforgettable haze,
Containing the choices you have made,
And how I just try my best to wade,
Through the pain,
That left a permanent stain,
And through the disappointment,
That took my enjoyment,
The person that lived in that room,
The one that lacked a broom,
That person was not you,
At least not the one I ever knew,
Having kept that aspect of you separate from my mind,
It was easier to have your role clearly be defined,
But now there's another person that's been along for the ride,
And it takes strength to learn to coincide.