Addiction

Addicted To You

That feeling, the sensation

It fills you with ease

Whether it's inhilation or ingestion

It's just that pleasing feeling

 

IT hurts when you quit

It's harder than hell

I've tried giving up

But I never hear the damned bell

 

The smell

The taste

The feeling

Oh my

All I want is to just fucking die

 

The addiction is strong

You can't fight the urge

Everyone's doing it

It's that extreme fucking surge

 

The rush

The high

Nothing can compare

Whether it's sex, drugs or alcohol

It's all about how you feel

When that drug hits the air

 

You exhale and think

Oh god what have I done

You were tempted again

But this time, you fail

 

You're never completely clean

Something always pushes you there

Be it friends, media, or thoughts

We all will cave in

 

So don't be sad

Don't be angry

Pick yourself up

And dust yourself off

And begin your walk to freedom

 

 

One step at a time

Higher and Higher

You'll be free again

When that tempest comes near your test will begin

 

Will you remember your strength

Or fall to your weakness

How will you deal?

Decide like I do

 

Am I stronger than yesterday

Or weaker than today?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I struggle with addiction and gave in to temptaion today...time to start over.

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tags:

I'm not sorry

I'm not sorry for giving you up!

I am sorry I was not given the tools to be a better mother.

I am sorry for all the pain and suffering you endured over the years. 

I'm not sorry for walking away, as I believe it would have been worse had I stayed!

I can not change the past.

I live in the present and look to the future.

Dwelling only prolongs the pain.

 

I'm not sorry for giving you tuff love.

Sometimes it's the only way to love.

I don't have all the answers,

I have my feelings, emotions and experiences!

I'm very happy that you were able to break the cycle,

able to raise your children.

I am sorry I was not able to be a part of your lives.

I'm sorry I missed out on so many memories.

I am not sorry I gave you life.

 

June 13 2022

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I regret not being able to care for my children! Addiction and mental illness can and does rob us of so much!

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It Gets Better - January 27, 2021

Folder: 
Chapter Three

It Gets Better

January 27, 2021

 

Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.

Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed

since I was younger and had more time to write.

I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.

 

I've hoped for so long that I could find a place

where I can be myself and not have to chase

validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.

I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.

 

I have love all around me, with my family and friends.

They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.

I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand

that these problems I have are out of my hands.

 

It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.

If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.

I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,

just to have this cycle repeat itself again.

 

When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,

there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think

about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.

I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.

 

The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol

have never helped me feel better at all.

The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever

is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."

 

It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists

that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.

I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,

but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.

 

To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,

I don't want you to think that any of you shared

a part in this self-destructive game of my life.

In the end, everything will be all right.

 

Nothing will change in the world outside my own.

Everyone else will have a place they call home.

My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,

maybe for the others, it actually does get better.

What To Feel - January 31, 2018

Folder: 
Chapter Three

I don't know what to write

or what to say or what to feel.

I want help but I'm too afraid

to show anyone what is real with me.

 

I can't seem to bring myself to terms

with my thoughts of a different future.

I can't change what I am

but if I could, I don't know that I would.

 

I won't let you go, but it's what holding me back

I won't face what I have, it's control I don't have.

I won't stand up to her and say I don't need you

because you're the worst drug I've ever had.

 

Let me start over, I swear I'll do better.

Let me have some faith in myself, I might

sleep a night without the toxic thoughts.

Let me feel like I've done something right.

 

Only the drugs and the alcohol make me

forget where I am, make me forget that I need

them to float above the sea, stop from sinking and

remembering everything and start thinking

about the failure that has given up.

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Dripping in Gold

 

I took her hand

and poured gold in her veins.

There was nothing more I could do.

 

 

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Georgia

 

Georgia stole the drugs in the glovebox

and traded them for passage. I don't
remember Texas. I barely remember
you.



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The Cupcake is a Lie

 

 

There was a café at the end of the road

where the patio trickled onto the sidewalk

and umbrellas opened like snowdrop petals

allowing only splatters of sunlight to decorate the plates

placed in front of posied forks and clinking glasses.

At noon we sat with people sipping rosé

and nibbling the edges of pastries:

you with your cupcake, I with my

tart. Your mouth full of mischief, you spoke

with your hands to clear my head and

there was something like sweetness

on your fingers. Words sifted between your eyes and 

a token of my innocence saw the sun

when icing stuck to your bottom lip. 

I barely noticed the tremor in your fingers

when you raised your glass to toast the afternoon or

the acidic taste of the powder I wiped off your nose with my thumb.

 

 

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Poisoned

Folder: 
Torn Love

I only want what I cant have,

Like Im hooked on poison,

Youre like a drug Im addicted to,

Your smell,

Your touch,

Your power over me,

Things haunt me,

Its all about us,

You know I can keep secrets,

I know you can keep secrets too,

They never said we cant touch,

Just how close can we get?

Will she ever know?

They dont know,

Hold on tight on this ride,

You traded things,

Is that what happiness feels like for you?

I know you enjoy the danger,

Maybe not as much as me,

That spark is there in your eyes when I look,

I think youre scared of how it feels,

You might enjoy it,

If you lose yourself in the pleasure,

How will you come back from it?

Why do I get the feeling youre craving something youve never had?

I never crossed the line,

If we even have a line,

Tell me something,

How far can I push you?

How close can we get before you run?

You look at me with those eyes,

Knowing the power they have over me,

Youre beautiful,

Youre completely enchanting,

Youre the source of my addiction,

Your eyes,

Your lips,

Your smell,

Your touch,

Your body against mine,

Your breath on my neck,

The feel of you against my lips,

The feel of you against my hands,

The feeling of you responding.

 

Im addicted to you like Ive been poisoned and youre the cure.

The Mess You Left Behind

Folder: 
Poems.

Unsure how to process,

I am living on the edge of forgotteness,

While today, taking out the trash,

Nearly gave me whiplash,

To the past I found myself agazed,

Upon the rough, unforgettable haze,

Containing the choices you have made,

And how I just try my best to wade,

Through the pain,

That left a permanent stain,

And through the disappointment,

That took my enjoyment,

The person that lived in that room,

The one that lacked a broom,

That person was not you,

At least not the one I ever knew,

Having kept that aspect of you separate from my mind,

It was easier to have your role clearly be defined,

But now there's another person that's been along for the ride,

And it takes strength to learn to coincide.

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