When in doubt, take a knife
Slice it across the vein along the wrist
Don't go soft, make it count
Make that shit bleed
Watch as it pours over the skin
Do you feel it?
Do you feel any different?
Probably not!
Feeling that coldness along your cheeks
That's still not enough
The tiled floor is within reach
Do you feel it?
Do you feel different?
Probably not!
The knife is still within your hand
Slide it along both your thighs
Make it bleed
Come on now
Don't be a baby
You want it to go away
You know how to do it
Not once, not twice, three times is nice
You're beginning to feel it now
All that pain is starting to ease
The wall is crumbling
The salt pouring along your lips
Yes, let it all out
If this isn't enough and you've had enough
Let the cold water cover the skin
Relax and lay back
Let it all out
Take your last breath cause it's time
Now you are going cold
Do you feel any better?
I'm sure you do
No more pain
No more complaints and disappointments
No more worries
Now just hope you end up where you want to go
I can do things your past can’t.
the good, the bad, the in between
not that you are
a game or a prize
but just that I want everything and
I’m only human when I see tears
I just want to put you in a corner
someone told me once
exhaustion is being stuck in an emotion
I feel it
when I get
hot and angry
turn into
some sort of spikes
shoot them at the moon
I am
some sort of swelling you can’t undo
I will never catch up to the memories
I wake to loneliness so sure of itself
I turn into fists
that never land anywhere
go to bed
so tired again
that I can’t sleep
I am waiting for a light to turn on that does not have a switch
I have crescents worn into my palms
because I like to tell myself I am better than a blade
but I am not quite better than this
all the milestones feel like boulders
I have been
stacking up on the top of this hill
fuck I am so fucking sick of running
hoping they will not catch me
so
yes it is not quite that I am
angry
or longing
or murderous
or jealous
or just fucking tearing myself apart
it is not quite that I love you
that I’m human
that so were you
it is not quite that I’m ready
for the silence to catch up to me
for all these ghosts to go
it is not quite that I am
afraid you will leave me
it is that I am
afraid you will want to and won’t
afraid I am every part of the building blocks you have been searching for
but they have been assembled all wrong
afraid I am half of every column in this house of gods
and still you will have nothing to stand on
afraid I will climb and climb and never make it
afraid you have invited me in
and I pulled the door off its hinges on the way in
afraid I will never stop seeing his face through your memory
or stop falling asleep to all the one liners that live in my head
afraid I will love you with two hands
one I was born with and
one I have carefully created through all these comparisons
afraid I will never stop trying to build myself into a hybrid
something you could want in those lives you used to dream of
someone you could stay with when the world walks backwards
and if I finally succeed
afraid I will leave me stranded on the floor when I am gone
Can’t there be a holiday for the lonely people?
People walking around in a daze
Makeup running down their cheeks
Reflecting on the one who slipped through their needy fingers
Or cursing their solitude
Wishing no one would have to share their quiet worthlessness
No
Instead we pile teddy bears onto shelves like shitty food onto cafeteria trays
We cram chocolate into heart shaped boxes
Packed tightly, claustrophobic
Like the air tight monogamy of a committed relationship
We buy women expensive lingerie
Only to tear it off the minute it’s in front of us
We buy overpriced cards so Hallmark
Can tell our partner how we really feel
And we do it all in the name of love,
Or at least whatever we’re calling the social contract conjoining two people
Who enjoy talking to each other almost as much as fucking
I want a national regrets day
Just some sort of terrible liquor on clearance
And a note pad where everyone can write down their mistakes
Could I finally make my friends jealous as they awe at my expansive scroll?
And what about slutty people?
Where is their holiday? (If we’re not counting Halloween)
Divorced, widowed?
I think they deserve a holiday as well.
Some people have good reason to avoid relationships
Perhaps they had the romance of the century
Until an untimely death or illness
Maybe he turned out to be a cheater
Maybe she turned out to be a he
But alas,
I get on with my point,
Valentine’s Day isn’t the celebration of real love
It’s the annual cornballathon ode to our obsessed, idealistic vision of it
Love is powerful and incredible
But it’s also brutal and gross
It has sharp elbows not found on a cuddly teddy bear
And when you celebrate love
You’re also celebrating jealousy, revenge and despair
It may be too darn starry- eyed for one to suggest we stop pretending love is anything you’d be able buy in a store
But my non- conformist, abominably angst ridden heart is unrelenting in its pursuit
Start enjoying what we really are
Not what the commercials say we should be
I silently curse your name thousand times
I can't close my eyes without seeing you with her
Curse you for making me doubt my myself ...
Curse you for wanting her!
I'm angry
I'm mad
I'm sad
I'm disappointed
I'm cursing you
I can't close my eyes without seeing you with her
She's everything I wasn't ...
But I gave you everything ... Without asking for anything
And maybe that's what you wanted ...
I curse you thousand times
And still I can't close my eyes
Stained from life, she ponders words,She can't exist without them.
Chasing memories in her mind,
The ones she lived without him.
Seeking refuge in tainted thoughts,
Never realizing wanted dreams,
Tossing and turning, restless sleep,
Awakened again by pictured screams.
Time doesn't seem to heal all wounds,
It just predicates the cost..
Always tortured in my own mind...
I remain... "A little Girl Lost"
I AM THE AUTHOR OF STUPID POEMS THAT HAVE NO REAL MEANING
I AM THE STEPPER OF STAIRS THAT CLIMB TO THE HEAVENS
TO FIND THAT HEAVEN IS NOT THERE
I AM NOT THE VICTIM BUT THE ONE WHO SEES ALL
WHO KNOWS HIS OWN DEMISE
I AM THE MAN WHO HAS WATCHED HIS LOVES GO TO OTHERS
HAS STARED AT TROPHIES WITH JEALOUS EYES
THE WAY THEY SHINED AND WERE HELD ABOVE ME
THE CHAMPIONS THAT HELD THEM GLEAMING
LIKE THE IRON SPADES SEWN ON LEATHER JACKETS
THAT THE PERSIANS WORE TO WAR
INHERENTLY SMALLER THAN ANYONE
INHERENTLY MORE TORTURED
IM THE ONE WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT NOTHING
I AM THE ONE WHO KNOWS MY OWN FATE
WANTS TO STOP IT
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO UNDERSTAND
I KNOW THAT MISSING SOMEONE IS DIFFICULT
BUT THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS SPIN AS LONG AS THERE IS THE BEAUTY WITHIN YOUR HEART INHABITING IT
I AM JUST THE AUTHOR OF STUPID POEMS WITH NO REAL MEANING
MISSING ME IS LIKE MISSING AN OLD JUNKY CAR
DONT BE TOO SENTINMENTAL
YOU CAN FIND COMFORT IN MY VERSES
DONT LOOK AT OLD PHOTOGRAPHS
LOOK AT THE SUN AND KNOW IT SHINES FOR YOU
I'LL BE BEHIND THE MOON SHINING FOR YOU TOO
Maybe it’s me
Always overly acquainted with the all knowing eyes
And the rubbernecking of studying stares
The steady flow of innuendo
Perplexing
The arrows of displeasure aimed in my direction
All for having lowered my anchor
Rejoicing in where I’ve landed
Maybe not the preferred destination
But content with the richly cultivated grains of my being
Fertilized in fortitude from the favor I’ve been granted
And the divine soils in which my feet have firmly been planted
Maybe it’s me
Because my world is now serene
No longer entertaining the misunderstanding of me
And those who are still burdened
When I feel no obligation to explain the essence of my theme
Or the reasons for my chosen path
Those of which have caused my soul to scream
Far too often in the past
Maybe it’s me
Because these beads of perspiration are not from disregard
But they are the manifestation
Of the tenacity in my concentration
When focused on me
I choose to stay missing
Though easily seen
My words remain reserved
Because gossip breeds the judgment of others
And that is not my bridge to cross
Nor will it be my cross to bear
Because I choose conversation that promotes elevation
And for that reason my words I do not spare
What you can’t own gives you unrest
And I wouldn’t dare to leave you grieving
So excuse me for inhaling the same air that you’ve been breathing
And it’s okay
Don’t bother getting up
Because I was just leaving
Copyright © 2014 by Daryl R. Gaines. All rights reserved
Feeling alive,
sugar and cyanide,
bursting into flames,
thoughts twinkle
and teeter on the edge,
crashing all the walls down,
collages formed,
pictures of us catch
fire,
faults start to form,
appears like cracks in mirrors,
screams scorch anything
you every said,
the I love you's,
the I will be there,
was lies,
not taking it I
try to stop the tapes,
try to stop
the memories,
pressing stop
I take out the film,
wanting the end
I cuddle up to you,
looking into your black eyes,
I take out a match,
igniting the spark I light your body on fire,
not even feeling I walk away without
looking back,
no more of the I love you again,
grow up,
when a heart
break it never breaks even,
never do a women wrong,
don't play with fire if you can't
handle the bright fire