The wheels of life Grinding
to hear all the sounds that you never
pay attention to
the fridge , the ceiling and the walls
all have a conversation during this silent moment
imagine the stories this room could tell
if we just listen
As my life has gone by 20 years since my first poem
so many changes has passed and only now as i read
my work i see what i was doing and all the things
i should of listen to, the people walking by
the animals in the parks and birds in the sky
my new chapter on my life i am still lonely
but i drive, to pass the time, wait ever so to have the day.
i know this is no poem but more of an update for me and you if you have read my work
sweet dreams and may the road bring on some adventures,
Im in love and I hate it,
It hurts so much,
Why did I have to fall in love with you?
You are like poison in my veins,
Im totally addicted to your games,
You are beautiful,
That beauty is tained,
I cant take it any more,
What am I supposed to do?
I want to be with you,
I want to run away from you,
I feel like Im spiralling down a hole,
I make the same mistakes,
Over and over again,
I cant walk away,
Like a moth drawn to a flame,
My heart overrules my head,
Its agony,
Its ecstasy,
I cant decide what I want more,
The pleasure or the pain,
Its magic the way you hypnotise,
I dont know what to believe any more,
My head is so messed up,
I love you,
I hate you,
I hate myself,
I look up to the stars and the planets for guidance,
I feel like Im falling through space,
I dont have the strength inside,
My head hangs low,
My heart pulled in different directions,
The tears flow freely,
I need to be strong,
I need to move on,
You make me feel bad and its not fair,
I feel so lost.
I only want what I cant have,
Like Im hooked on poison,
Youre like a drug Im addicted to,
Your smell,
Your touch,
Your power over me,
Things haunt me,
Its all about us,
You know I can keep secrets,
I know you can keep secrets too,
They never said we cant touch,
Just how close can we get?
Will she ever know?
They dont know,
Hold on tight on this ride,
You traded things,
Is that what happiness feels like for you?
I know you enjoy the danger,
Maybe not as much as me,
That spark is there in your eyes when I look,
I think youre scared of how it feels,
You might enjoy it,
If you lose yourself in the pleasure,
How will you come back from it?
Why do I get the feeling youre craving something youve never had?
I never crossed the line,
If we even have a line,
Tell me something,
How far can I push you?
How close can we get before you run?
You look at me with those eyes,
Knowing the power they have over me,
Youre beautiful,
Youre completely enchanting,
Youre the source of my addiction,
Your eyes,
Your lips,
Your smell,
Your touch,
Your body against mine,
Your breath on my neck,
The feel of you against my lips,
The feel of you against my hands,
The feeling of you responding.
Im addicted to you like Ive been poisoned and youre the cure.
You stuck a knife in me,
You twisted it and pulled it out,
You watched me bleed,
You enjoyed my suffering,
You couldnt have been more cruel,
You could have tried,
You poked the wound for fun,
You knew when it started healing,
You tore a gaping wound in my heart,
You laughed at my expense,
You liked the attention,
You liked being chased,
You were always going to hurt me,
You just made me blind to it,
You caused enough pain to open my eyes,
You let me slip through your fingers,
You saw my colour fade,
You drained my blood,
You caused scars,
You hurt me,
You never felt anything,
You lead me on,
You discarded me when it wasnt convenient,
You caused excrutiating pain,
You never cared,
You never said sorry and meant it,
You watched the last drop of blood,
You watched me die of a broken heart,
You are twisted,
You are cruel,
You lost me because I walked away.
It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.
Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would.
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't.
I appreciate and love you for that.
I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found.
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.
Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.
Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.
Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?
I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical.
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?
And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see.
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you.
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?
As I looked in your eyes
I saw a tiny flicker
As if a small piece of your love for me
Died deep within you
A flicker so small
You barely gave it notice
But it blazed like the sun
As it seared my heart
I felt my soul shiver
As if your precious gift
Was pulled from body
A sickening wave of despair
Passes through me
As I realize your love for me
Will no longer be whole
My heart is left broken
And bleeding with regret
Unable to mend the wound
That has been inflicted.
Will time heal the damage?
Or will I have to suffer
A slow painful death
As the fire within you
Slowly dies out
Shall I continue to fan the flames
That I see still burning inside you?
Or does the fuel for my love
No longer have the capacity to sustain it?
I think I shall just close my eyes
And let fate run its course
It's a please for a tree in a fit of rain,
It's hard work and an always open gate,
It runs into all the corners and is very rarely late.
Its the head of a nut tightening the spanner,
It's tall and short all bundled up forever,
It's a long stride and a wheelie if you rev her.
It's filling the trough of a crocodile imagination,
It strays and stays even though it shouldn't,
And it's all of that, knowing that you couldn't.
Why are my feelings always so dark?
By jfarrell
Why, when something goes wrong,
Do I always go straight to thoughts and feelings of suicide?
I’m sure many have been where I am;
Done nothing wrong and just lumbered
With £800 worth of rent arrears.
And, though I don’t imagine they smiled,
Said “Thank you, guv’nor, shaft me some more”
I do imagine they got on with it;
Sucked it up, went out and paid it all off.
Instead, I just feel down, dark, full of rage
Full of self pity
This new obstacle before me just saps
What little hope and confidence I had
And all I can do is sit down and cry “I give up”
Why?
Why can’t I be like others,
Just suck it up and get on with it;
Find a job, pay off them arrears
Instead I feel I just can’t go on anymore
Why try? They’re only gonna kick me in the teeth again
And tell me to suck it up
I hate this self pity and I hate this anger
Hopefully, one day, a worm will turn