I can do things your past can’t.

the good, the bad, the in between

not that you are

a game or a prize

but just that I want everything and

I’m only human when I see tears

I just want to put you in a corner


someone told me once

exhaustion is being stuck in an emotion

I feel it

when I get

hot and angry

turn into

some sort of spikes

shoot them at the moon


I am

some sort of swelling you can’t undo

I will never catch up to the memories


I wake to loneliness so sure of itself

I turn into fists

that never land anywhere

go to bed

so tired again

that I can’t sleep


I am waiting for a light to turn on that does not have a switch

I have crescents worn into my palms

because I like to tell myself I am better than a blade

but I am not quite better than this


all the milestones feel like boulders

I have been

stacking up on the top of this hill

fuck I am so fucking sick of running

hoping they will not catch me



yes it is not quite that I am


or longing

or murderous

or jealous

or just fucking tearing myself apart


it is not quite that I love you

that I’m human

that so were you


it is not quite that I’m ready

for the silence to catch up to me

for all these ghosts to go


it is not quite that I am

afraid you will leave me


it is that I am

afraid you will want to and won’t


afraid I am every part of the building blocks you have been searching for

but they have been assembled all wrong


afraid I am half of every column in this house of gods

and still you will have nothing to stand on


afraid I will climb and climb and never make it


afraid you have invited me in

and I pulled the door off its hinges on the way in


afraid I will never stop seeing his face through your memory

or stop falling asleep to all the one liners that live in my head


afraid I will love you with two hands

one I was born with and

one I have carefully created through all these comparisons


afraid I will never stop trying to build myself into a hybrid

something you could want in those lives you used to dream of

someone you could stay with when the world walks backwards


and if I finally succeed

afraid I will leave me stranded on the floor when I am gone

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 9/7/22

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