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Gutter rat

By jfarrell

Born in the gutter,

Drunk, violent parents,

On a council estate,

Stealing next door’s electricity…

How far from the sewers do you expect me to rise?

I dragged myself from the excrement,

Covered in bruises,

Both outside and in;

Took that ‘greasy pole’ in both hands

And pulled myself up.

After a very thorough scrubbing up and hot wash,

I got myself through college,

Into a career;

Even to the dizzying heights of

‘Acting-Deputy-Officer-in-Charge’.

However hard you scrub, however hot the wash,

The stench of the gutter, the sewers,

Stays with you.

Everyone can smell the waste

The rot.

And what lives in the rot

Has been eating away at me,

My whole life.

Rat. Rodent. Vermin.

I have always been a gutter rat.

A parasite.

I am the shadow, fading into silence

I am the words you shoved in a box

I am blood, sex & violence

behind the symbol of peace

I am light enraptured unto the void

from a thousand years of cosmic darkness

chasing the souls of stars

I am the mirror you wish to avoid

with the tears that coiled down the drain

& the years wasted on nothing--

but what you thought was yourself...

2 knives, in each side..
2 eyes burning through my heart..
empty fragments, words drifting in & out of the past
memories turn to ash as we sift them around the palms of our hands..
crippled & gone.. time to move on.
to solidify my dreams..
hate myself.. waste of space, waste of air..
I dove into hell.
God please pull me back together, stitch up these ripped seams..

you're like the blade dragged across my stomach
or the scorching flame against my bare skin...
I want you out of my life
I want you up from under this skin
demons, demons, I can't let you win..
for I am not your kin...

everthing I want, I cannot have.
all that I reach for, I cannot grab..
the rainest of days bring me back to visions i've attempted to smudge out with you..
I guess it was easier on the other end.
but who's to say where & when...

covered in blood, pushed into the mud, I will stand up again.
open scars, out of breath, I must remain relentless.
shadows chasing me, run run, but they consumed all the light..
crouched in fright, nails dug into my back
they're trying to pin down these wings...
hoping i'll never take flight.
using all my energy to break away, fight them off with all my might, all my will...
but they keep whispering "kill... kill.."

legion, you've defiled me,
for you are the fallen, in unity.
this cross lays heavy on my back..
I think i'm starting to crack.
my barriers are thin & I wish I could let God in
but there's just one set of footprints in the sand
no savior to hold my hand
freezing cold.
the ocean looks like a black hole..
if I were to set sail, how could I ever return?
i'd be spun around in circles, triangles, squares
what would I learn?

even though the sun still shines
even though some of the grass is still green
even though there are plenty of trees
I cant stop looking down.. down on me.
the hail is sharp from this dark cloud.
storm hovers above.
I try to clear it out, but I can't with no love

depleted but not empty
awakened in the midst of deep sleep
dead in this life
strife impailed
left hung, waiting to burn..
I never dug my own grave
I only ever cried to be saved.

..............

One rainy day I peered into the window of your soul,

The shattered pieces of your life, like a shroud to fill the hole,

A roomful of confusion, was the story left behind,

A teardrop dons a cheek or two, life's end can be unkind,

This solemn stage is deafening as soldiers come to call,

The pinned lapels are like trophied shelves adorning a blackened wall,

And as I toss the single rose atop the earthen mound,

I toss my sun... My moon... My stars...

My life, into .the ground.

2012 ©

.............

...........

if  a friend lost his keys

and needed a ride

would you be there to pick him up

and stay by his side?

if he needed the shirt off your back 

would you comply?

would you give him your own

without a blink of an eye?

if someone were after him,

would you lend him your gun?

maybe in the Hatch of your car

you'd be sure to find one

If a friend needed money

would you get it for him

or would you lend it knowing you'd get it returned

by a Ron, Kevin or Jim?

friendships are funny things

when there's mischief involved

you can never be sure what will ever evolve

people will change in the blink of an eye

you'll sometimes be left with the blame asking "why?"

choose your friends wisely, ther'll be some with no spine

without any integrity, no friends is just fine

5:35 PM 7/6/2013

©

................

high expectations are not my cup of tea, people need to stop tryin' to suck the life out of me..

do we return to the memories..? or do they come back to us?

the only person I really want to talk to right now is my father.. but why bother thinking about it.. 

I just want to question him on everything that seems to of passed us by... like the time.. 

or what we will become after wasting away.. after we've deteriorated & our skin is past grey..

slowly paralyzed, fingers first.. trying to figure this out, tying up loose threads.. 

I need to feel alive.. have I been living a lie within my head..?

or am I trapped inside, knowing outside is the reality in which you've been dead.

I could spend the rest of my life in bed, until i've cried enough tears to flood the entire house, both stories.

but wouldn't that just be a waste of potential..? to let the pain push me down, further each day.. 

the weight of nostalgia get's heavier, despite it's dismay..

memories are like an impenetrable fog, & everyone else gets the sunshine on their face.. 

do we all pity the fool, that is ourself..?

all of you have always seemed hollow to me...

I can't feel your forced company.. just a shell with no meaning..

why do you people keep breeding..?

absent of harmony, it's all been chased away by fear..

rejecting the light, crawling into loneliness, you can only pretend for so long..

bouncing off the walls our past memories, never are they comforting..

society will try to saw off your wings..

they'll rob you of your money so you can't afford the pretty things..

false attachments out of feeling, co-dependance keeps on feeding on our heart's gentle beating..

mis-communication all the time, where on earth is everyone's mind..?

creativity locked up and self expression is confined..

why do they continue to try & waste my time... because they've been wasting their own..?

don't let them leave you hollow, or you'll find yourself without a core, before the end of tomorrow..

you'll be living off their systematic LIES.

you will no longer see yourself when you gaze into the reflection of your own eyes...