What To Feel - January 31, 2018

Chapter Three

I don't know what to write

or what to say or what to feel.

I want help but I'm too afraid

to show anyone what is real with me.


I can't seem to bring myself to terms

with my thoughts of a different future.

I can't change what I am

but if I could, I don't know that I would.


I won't let you go, but it's what holding me back

I won't face what I have, it's control I don't have.

I won't stand up to her and say I don't need you

because you're the worst drug I've ever had.


Let me start over, I swear I'll do better.

Let me have some faith in myself, I might

sleep a night without the toxic thoughts.

Let me feel like I've done something right.


Only the drugs and the alcohol make me

forget where I am, make me forget that I need

them to float above the sea, stop from sinking and

remembering everything and start thinking

about the failure that has given up.

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What is the purpose of beauty without creatures to charm?

How can the moon awake passions without the black sky of the night?

Where would swallows be going without a winter making them fly?

Why are you afraid of the darkness if you experienced the light?


We are born in pain, because it is pain what proves us alive.

We must master the fall before we learn how to walk.

We can only accomplish success if we experienced the fail.

You are worried, I see, use this friend’s ear, let’s talk.


I hope you believe me, my friend, your worries will pass.

You will endure the pain, you will soon understand.

It can’t be always the same, it can’t be back as it was.

But your night will be over, making place to a brighter dawn.


The phoenix has risen from ashes infinite times.

The flood of punishment passed for resurgence of life.

Our ancestors strove struggles to bequeath us  some peace.

You can make the future brighter. Stand up! Do not abdicate!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Transformations can be painful, pain makes us grow, growth has a purpose. If you ever asked yourself: Why is this happening to me? Hopefully you'll get some relief understanding the metamorphosis of the caterpillars. I used a metaphoric title to describe in one word what all of us go through at some point of our lives.

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bar lights in oz

i looked behind the curtain,

not out of curiosity mind you

in an effort to save myself.


subliminally i knew you were the reason i couldn’t heal


so my journey was to reveal you.    the real you.   all the years

i naively chose to believe your lies.   what you wanted me to believe.


through no conscious act of my own

its funny how my intuition led me back to you


i crashed right into our toxic ways


only when you destroyed me one last time

laid bare in the hollow of my self esteem

only then could i see clearly


so i bid you adieu with words that once filled me with dread


now i ride like a phoenix




Author's Notes/Comments: 

sometimes first loves are the hardest to get over.  the hardest to make sense of.   but that also teach us the most about ourselves.   im thankful, for knowledge, clarity, peace, and unanswered prayers.


The hourglass stands

Bits of sand fall

Turn it on its side

My being is split

Between what once was

And what will be

Each grain reflects a choice, a trait, a memory

What happens now? 

Wasting time again and again

Where does it begin and end

What is my foundation?

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Packing Day

The air is dry and easy,

Not the kind of cold that scares me back into my dorm,

Finally, we've had a week where the sun is feeling sociable,

It twinkles off of paintjobs and our tall glass windows,

I'm packing my things to stay with a friend this Thanksgiving,

Each belonging I pack feels a bit heavier than the first,

There's a suspicious feeling in my stomach that says,

"Life is hectic, but you're going to be okay.. one day"

I've accepted that this isn't my time to celebrate,

I'm not in the prime of my life,

It's my time to rebuild,

Let these bruises recover,

As I stuff the laundry I forgot to wash into my luggage,

I think about all the horrible things I'll get myself into,

All the nights on my own,

All the bills left unpaid,

"Stupid boy" I hear my sister echo in my mind,

I wonder how she must think of me,

What everyone must think of me,

All of this insanity has made it impossible to keep track of myself,

Right and wrong have become so relative,

My world becoming blurred,

But I will figure this out,

This life will be difficult,

But nothing worth doing is easy,


I'm 20 years old,

So what if I make a few mistakes?

How else will I learn who I am?

How else does one write a poem?


I have had the urge to grab people,

shake them,

and say,

"You idiot!"(for some this is all I say)

"Just be who you are. Even if you are broken and worthless. Even if you'll never fit in this society, it doesn't matter, start your own! Just be yourself and love it because no one can take that away but you."

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is poem #50! Thank you to everyone who has been a reader of my work! I know the last few lines in this one are a bit incoherrent but I just felt that I shouldn't take this poems too seriously and I just said what I wanted to say.

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You're still lost within the time
The ultimate crime
That you couldn't really hurt
but now you're gone and just inert

You try to find meaning in the days
That it wasn't just a phase
That you could just lay in the sun
and never say you jumped the gun

and you lie wide awake at night
Hard at thought, ready to write
You wrote on a piece of paper "I think this time, I'll be okay"
But you don't really know, your thoughts never stay

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In time.

Disappointed, all-

The Saints with thine.

Growth is just a show-

To blame on my,

Vision of life.


It's been far too long. Euthanized-

My fears and thoughts of loom.

Feed the light-

Into my atmosphere.

Dread is left behind,

What's yours is mine.

Is the love we built still here.

Youth is hard to find-

Though your tears.



Through my spine.

Hard to listen clear. Sensitize,

the pores that leak with sudden moods-

Of glee and freedom.

Your eyes are all I need,

My dear.

Lead with cheers of hope.

I couldnt know, any other.


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What It Is

I feel like every single thing is like a mind game,  played and laid out for me

I can't feel a single thing, like I'm not blind, but I still can't see


What is it really? Perhaps it's not that important?

Tell me what it is, or is it just my own comportment?


I have walked in the very things I've looked down upon

What I once thought was selfish, now I too am wrong


and now there is blood all over my hand

But I have no idea why, I just don't understand


This is a complication called the human mind

Irony, double standards, hypocrisy, A place to be so blind


To wallow and loop in this thick puddle of shame

For the mistakes commited, I fairly wore the blame


Knowing is the beginning is something I suppose

It's better to learn, rather than to find it to oppose.


So I guess I'll take my feelings and throw them to the floor

I'll leave you where you originally were, trapped inside a closed door


And you can echo your goodbyes

as you embrace yourself to the ink of sheer ignorance and sighs..

The Poison In You

What if I wasn't like you?

And I was just me, and Myself was true?


And if you did bad would it mean I would too? 

Would it mean if I did it, I'm exactly like you?


Would I be subject to your evil?

Would I be subject to your internal upheaval?


What if I am good in spirit,

And you might just rather not hear it


And if I did bad, does it mean I'm just like you?

Looking for an excuse for the culprit that causes blue?


Decisions left to baseless comparison

Myself gone from me, and origin

She tells me so, I'm just like him and her

Do you see my other qualities as just a blur?


Bring my poison, she admits me to it

Determines me as someone else and then she sits


Then, who am I?

A continuation of your deranged views, someone elses cry?