Such a playful synergy
Your heart strings and mine
Thrumming on our frequencies
Drawing fourth sacred energy
Running on light beams
Dipping our toes into notes
And hands wafting in melodies
Dizzying highs and resounding lows
Shattering boredom
Stepping on apathy
And plucking joy from the air
A glorious spiritual liturgy
How beautiful now since we've learned to pray
Drawing such sublime adventures
Going this way and that
Shuffling the order of truths and mystic mysteries
Coming full circle where withall
then bounding off again.
Such a lifting of feet
a symphony of etherial musings
The tethering of our minds eyes
innocent daydreams
Making a mockery of darkness
Shining in the glory light beams
Bloated with gladness
Soaring with hopes
Soul Edifying
And that's just the beginning
Of our poetry.
ONCE THERE WAS A BOX
WITH NOTHING INSIDE
IT WAS FULL OF THOUGHTS
SO EASY TO HIDE
My Thoughts 2020
I don’t know where to start. So many things to think about these days; that it is hard to start anywhere. We are currently in dark times still due to COVD19. But at the same, someone very close to me who I admire very much has been showing me enlightenment these days. This person is opening me up to a new world of adventures, but at the same time, I still feel close-minded to my past (like the past is still shackled to me). I want a new future. A better future. A future where I am no longer naïve, stubborn, or blinded.
I have thought about this for several years now. But lately it has gotten me thinking. I am as many would call it, “goody-good-shoes” (no tattoos, doesn’t drink much, never done drugs, hate going out late because of work the next day, never been late to work, and does not curse [hardly ever], strict to a “routine”). I feel that I sin in my bubble, but yet that bubble has yet to “pop”. A “pop” that if burst, unsure what may come out of it… if it is a darker me or a more open adventurous me.
People think that I am not adventurous (enough), even if I am; but to them I am boring because I don’t do much of anything. Now that I see it, they “may be” right. I have always kept myself in closed doors, mentally.
Even growing up, I never went “out”. During my High School years in Mexico, I hardly ever went out. Mostly as a classmate said once, “I live too far away from everyone and don’t have a ‘car’”. With that being said, that got drilled into my head into thinking then; maybe they are right. So, with that, I never go out late. If I did go out, I was usually out with my parents… and teenagers simply don’t go out and hang out with their parents when they go to the mall (duh). Always stay in by a certain time, etc. Even after college, I didn’t go out at all. Because then I had the “where are you going?”, “Why are you spending your money?”, “Why? Why? Why?”. And was always afraid to speak up to my parents about my concerns. They were always worried about their concerns more then with about mine. I always felt discouraged, disappointed, where it led me into having low self-esteem, feeling rejected among others, and even more so, naïve around others. Yes, I am/was/am a “momma’s boy” as some people would call it. But I hate being placed under that category at times. And with that being said, I have felt sheltered growing up. My parents have never taught me “explore thy self-more”. It was more of a “you are doing it wrong, this is the right way”.
I am the youngest of three, so yes, I was always the most spoiled out of the three (buying toys, going out more with them after both my older brothers have gone out to college and beyond, going to the movies with them).
Part of the issue I have too, is that I really never had (what people call it) “True Friends”. Most of my friends growing up either they thought I was too chicken, stupid, naïve. They *always* had to win or beat me at games, since I was their weakest link. Took me years to figure that one out (duh!). But because of that, it is still drilled into my head even if today I still feel like that. That is why most of my friends I “talk” via the net. Because no one really wants to meet up. Yes, I have done meetups, but most of the time they’ll say, “I am too busy”, or “I can’t” (even if they can they just don’t want to; and in my mind I see that even if it may be true or untrue), or some other excuse so that they don’t want to meet up. Even if they do want to still meet up; my mind then goes about and says, “I would love to, but I cannot” and that is when I feel blinded and not seeing the hints with anyone really. And I stupidly don’t see the signs and up being stupid about the whole ordeal. Even when it is a work night, I take work more priority even if I want to as people would say, “Break Free” from my “Goodie-Old Habits” and actually DO stuff. But then the cycle keeps going around again and again and my mind goes back to my old ways and I get scared. I get scared of new ideas, new things to do. I am afraid of hurting my own esteem, my own rules, my own believes. I just don’t like breaking my routines. People always say, “You will be fine” … yet, my heart/gut says “No, I will not” and end up crawling into a little ball and crying (well, hypothetically-speaking). But in reality, I really want to go out there and explore to places, new ideas, and sometimes I really want to break into being “risky” (fearless). As someone special to me say, try all roller coasters. I would love to, but my fear of them is what gets to me. The fear of rattle, heights, losing control... but I really want o explore that area (with some limitations)
I have too much in my Father in me. Stubborn, always on time, responsibilities, seriousness, workaholic. Where as I see my Brothers, they don’t have it, but at the same time they do. I don’t know if theirs are different because they are married and I am not. But unsure if that is the case. I am entering my 40s and yet I feel different among others. I just want to “break free” and become a better person.
As they always say, “The bad ones are the ones that always seem to get away from things, where as the good ones if they do something wrong, they are the ones that get most likely fired from a job.” But that is only a myth in my books even if I see it as a reality at times, I think.
Going back with the Friends, I have trust issues with them at times, but sometimes that also leads to with myself having trust issues as well. The trust issues with them is that they’ll say that I am cool, awesome, but because of my low self-esteem, I feel disappointed to them because I am not to their standards. I do not qualify to what they want in a friend. And with that, I don’t give much confident to myself either. I have always felt like the 3rd wheel around people… not only my friends, but my coworkers as well. As if I do not belong there. The “Why am I here again?” Maybe I hadn’t found the right friends or I have and they haven’t realized my value yet. Or I have proven to them, I just don’t want to accept myself to them about it because I am in denial. I can only trust a handful of people (maybe 4-5 at most). But I do have those I can trust, but not trust at the same because not sure how they would think of me if I ever tell them the truth (the truth on politics, emotions, curiosity, how I feel). But at the same time, I may lose their friendship or just be an “acquittance” to them and nothing more. That is how I feel I am to several people. Yet, I open too much to them and at the end of the day who’s the one that gets hurt? Me. And who’s the one that keeps crawling back to them because they feel lonely and want to have a social life again and is stupid for doing so? Me of course.
I am grown adult in my early 40s… and yet I sometimes act like a freaking teenager trying to explore the world. Yet I am too freaking stubborn to know when I am wanted and when I am not wanted. I am blinded by those people that they say they “like” me but in reality, do they like me? Sometimes I do not know. I feel I am too stupid to know and with that being said, I get bullied; even if people say, “we adults are too mature to be bullied, that is just childish high school play”… yes, I was told that once, then I realized that person IS the bully. People don’t realize that even as an adult, we still get bullied. The weaker bully the weakest. So, my anxiety gets triggered and that is why I feel lonely, afraid, quiet, feeling that I am helpless. Which leads me into being the weaker link at work at times (even if I am one of the hardest).
As I enter through jobs and exit said jobs, I become friends with so many people. Some come and go, others become close. But something I do see… as we depart a job or your coworker-friends do… some do stay in touch. While others you lose contact and they/you end up disappeared from their communication life. One does miss the fun times you had and all, but then they/you disappear and you go back and think, “Remember that one time?” (which makes you wonder if they are doing good and hope that they are doing good). I have so many I wonder how they are, even as of my enemies as well. As they say, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer” because you never know when your enemy might need your help. Even you always know your Loved Ones, Family and Friends will always have your back no matter what.
Through out my years, I have come to analyze on myself for who I am. I decided to write down a few years ago some “Pros & Cons” about myself. Some still reflect, while others may have changed or not. Not only have these been through my eyes, but others have seen these as well. Yet, sometimes my anxiety & nerves kick in and they have detoured me into different directions on how I analyze my life and myself.
We will start with the Pros…
People say I am all of the above. For sure one thing, Family, Friends, and Coworkers will always be number one to while I am number. People beg to differ and I should always be number one. Yes, they are right; however, people don’t know how much I care for them. As my Uncle & Aunt have put it, “I am the kind kid” while growing up. People do not realize this, but I am a caring person. Although I do have my moments of being hateful, I do have a big heart. Each day I worry for my loved ones, family, friends. Especially currently right now during the COVID19 Pandemic. I know several of people who are going through hard times. I wish so many many times in hopes of figuring out how I can help them out, but I just don’t have the money to do so. So, the best for me is to pray for them and keep their spirit in me.
Yea, I am hard working because my Father has always told me, “There are no free lunches”; that is because you got to earn it. You can’t just have it given for free. Always read the fine print. Because if don’t read it, you may end up at the end of the day at the bottom of a ditch. And before you know it, there won’t be the help that you seek on looking for.
As I see the list above, some I have no idea where people see them. I may be blind as a bat then, but personally I do not see them. Am I seeing something?
Plus, with the honesty one… people dislike me for being too honest. Would you rather I lie? Because if I did, then you’d get upset with me more for not telling the truth. People have said to “twist the truth” (or “sugar coat the truth”); but yet if one does that too; other will see that you are lying as well. So, it becomes a lose-lose/win-win/lose-lose scenario. And that is when I feel I always lose the battle. So, I rather be honest with people, then be lying & rude to others where they may get hurt.
As I stated above, the above were my Pros. Now it is onto my Cons. These are what I see myself more reflected upon. Which think different of; yet I see these as my weakest links, weakest thoughts, weakest feelings. Which are what lead me to my depression, anxiety, loneliness, and that feeling that I tend to push people away since I am unsure how to express myself to others via in person. I express more of who I am via written then to via verbally. With the Cons, I am more open-minded to them, then that I am with my Pros. So, please bear with me…
After having read through my Pros & Cons and having write all that I wrote above… I honestly have self-confidence issues. I think too much and too hard on myself. I need to be more laid back and less stubborn. I just wish sometimes I knew how do so. Many have suggested a therapist, but there are things that that cannot help me in. Others have said to explore more, be more outgoing and less uptight. But as I said, I am unsure to not even knowing where to begin. Yet, I would love to be shown how to (with some limitations).
As people have said several times, it is always best to risk it all or not to risk it all. After all, you only live once and Life is short sometimes. Maybe they are right or maybe they are not right. Only way to know, is to risk it.
I have nothing important to say
What do I know anyway
No one cares what I think
I could be the missing link
The more I learn the less I know
and yet I get on with the show
I know I don't know everything
No one does no matter what they think
Those who know that they don't know
have lots and lots of room to grow
Those who think they know it all
are pushed up against a wall
Keep an open mind
maybe you will find
that you can unwind
that's how it's designed
It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.
Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would.
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't.
I appreciate and love you for that.
I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found.
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.
Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.
Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.
Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?
I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical.
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?
And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see.
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you.
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?
Have to be a little child from my father,
Have to obey Cthulhu evermore.
And all bad things turned into dust,
By my evil and good Father.
The sheer speed slices through the ensemble of snow and rain. Though, speed kills. Trucking along a highway, alone and abandoned. No other car on the road to make a makeshift companion. The sun is down, depressed, and distraught. The clouds cloud the sun like hands covering a crying face, the sun whimpers and the car slightly swerves out of place. The earth darkens as you squint out of a box. The headlights at maximum light, like speed in the snow, they cut through the night. Boredom and isolation reach you, like a rush of blood to the head. Stuck in your thoughts, as you barely look ahead. The roads are sheeted in ice, yet you truck on. The road narrows, becomes one lane. You peer through your rearview, out of instinct, hoping to busy your mind. Though, the car is silent, and your head is live. You think to yourself, what a terrible time to drive. You think to yourself, why am I alive? Wherever you are going, you ponder if you should arrive. You could just offroad into a snowbank, little chance you would survive. Speed kills. Yet, your hands stay at ten and two, and that little windshield you continue to peer through. The questions linger in the eerie silence. A cellular ring surprises you, though not enough to throw you off. You pick up the phone, and answer with ennui. The other side delivers noise to your ear, you listen and the sounds of the car on the road disappear. Your lethargic attitude soon fades away, as a radiant smile extends from ear to ear. As boredom washes away, so do the thoughts. Why even question your existence or possibly intervene, because a smile erases everything. The voice on the other line utters verbal caress, and the more they talk, they more you think less. You realize the desolate drive had you questioning away. In reality, you desire to live another day. The smile still radiates through sleet and snow, the sun still whimpers, but you feel warm. Happiness invades your personal space, and the drive you so detested, soon doesn't feel that way. The phone shuts, but the smile rests in place. So you hold steady, hand on ten, other hand moving back to two. Back in control of the wheel. Back in control of your thoughts. You truck along, the speed of your car still unchanged, and the lights on the car still beam through the lifeless night. But, before you know it, your caught in the headlights. The smile unchanging until your last breath departs, you would feel surprised but you just give it no mind. You think of the call, and the voice that made you smile so. If only you could've made it home through the storm, through the sun's melancholy. If only you could've seen the sun happy again. If only you could've reached that voice. Though, speed kills. The car up in flames, your body an icy red heap. Your soul exits, yet the smile stays, as your body lay caught in the headlights, that have now succumbed to the darkness of the night.
They say. “you’ve got nothing to give, if you give yourself nothing”
That’s the point of it.
There’s really nothing.
We are neither here, nor there.
There’s really no one.
We’re all just electrical expressions of life
Moving in time space
Breathing in air
Buckets of water
Cataclysms of emotion
Which is why I still care
Why I still want to show you…
every peace of me
I still want to give myself to you…
effortlessly
I still want to know you
with every moment that I breathe
You are who I am to be
You are who I choose
You are the one, the only one
You, my divinity, are the truth in me
The ancients declared that all is meaningless
A chasing after the wind
The modernists claim that nothing is real
A consuming, constant dream
So what shall we say on our mortality;
What should we surmise of our souls?
We've all been screaming what we want to hear
And yet the truth quietly whispers, drowning our voices
We pay our very souls to safely cross the river Styx
Only to find that we can't leave Charon without them
We give our all to gain what our hearts desire,
And realize that we have lost everything to gain nothing
What man can bring back one second of his life;
Yet time seems worthless without entertainment
We campaign to save our fellow man,
By placing funds in already full pockets
Humans are dimensional amphibians, living both spirit and body,
The ghost in the machine
How light a heart in love!
How heavy a heart in sorrow
The weight of a soul drags me down
But hope can keep me alight
We strive for goodness through deeds and laws,
But laws are not for good deeds, or good people
We cannot live long alone, and yet push others away,
Until we are left with only our “selves”
We push and strive to become better than ourselves
Yet we can only grow inside our own nature
At what point in our quest to become God
Did we convert into the devil instead?