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My Thoughts 2020

I don’t know where to start.  So many things to think about these days; that it is hard to start anywhere.  We are currently in dark times still due to COVD19.  But at the same, someone very close to me who I admire very much has been showing me enlightenment these days.  This person is opening me up to a new world of adventures, but at the same time, I still feel close-minded to my past (like the past is still shackled to me).  I want a new future.  A better future.  A future where I am no longer naïve, stubborn, or blinded.

I have thought about this for several years now.  But lately it has gotten me thinking.  I am as many would call it, “goody-good-shoes” (no tattoos, doesn’t drink much, never done drugs, hate going out late because of work the next day, never been late to work, and does not curse [hardly ever], strict to a “routine”).  I feel that I sin in my bubble, but yet that bubble has yet to “pop”.  A “pop” that if burst, unsure what may come out of it… if it is a darker me or a more open adventurous me.

People think that I am not adventurous (enough), even if I am; but to them I am boring because I don’t do much of anything.  Now that I see it, they “may be” right.  I have always kept myself in closed doors, mentally.

Even growing up, I never went “out”.  During my High School years in Mexico, I hardly ever went out.  Mostly as a classmate said once, “I live too far away from everyone and don’t have a ‘car’”.  With that being said, that got drilled into my head into thinking then; maybe they are right.  So, with that, I never go out late.  If I did go out, I was usually out with my parents… and teenagers simply don’t go out and hang out with their parents when they go to the mall (duh).  Always stay in by a certain time, etc.  Even after college, I didn’t go out at all.  Because then I had the “where are you going?”, “Why are you spending your money?”, “Why? Why? Why?”.  And was always afraid to speak up to my parents about my concerns.  They were always worried about their concerns more then with about mine.  I always felt discouraged, disappointed, where it led me into having low self-esteem, feeling rejected among others, and even more so, naïve around others.  Yes, I am/was/am a “momma’s boy” as some people would call it. But I hate being placed under that category at times. And with that being said, I have felt sheltered growing up.  My parents have never taught me “explore thy self-more”.  It was more of a “you are doing it wrong, this is the right way”.

I am the youngest of three, so yes, I was always the most spoiled out of the three (buying toys, going out more with them after both my older brothers have gone out to college and beyond, going to the movies with them).

Part of the issue I have too, is that I really never had (what people call it) “True Friends”.  Most of my friends growing up either they thought I was too chicken, stupid, naïve.  They *always* had to win or beat me at games, since I was their weakest link.  Took me years to figure that one out (duh!).  But because of that, it is still drilled into my head even if today I still feel like that.  That is why most of my friends I “talk” via the net.  Because no one really wants to meet up.  Yes, I have done meetups, but most of the time they’ll say, “I am too busy”, or “I can’t” (even if they can they just don’t want to; and in my mind I see that even if it may be true or untrue), or some other excuse so that they don’t want to meet up.  Even if they do want to still meet up; my mind then goes about and says, “I would love to, but I cannot” and that is when I feel blinded and not seeing the hints with anyone really.  And I stupidly don’t see the signs and up being stupid about the whole ordeal.  Even when it is a work night, I take work more priority even if I want to as people would say, “Break Free” from my “Goodie-Old Habits” and actually DO stuff. But then the cycle keeps going around again and again and my mind goes back to my old ways and I get scared.  I get scared of new ideas, new things to do.  I am afraid of hurting my own esteem, my own rules, my own believes.  I just don’t like breaking my routines.  People always say, “You will be fine” … yet, my heart/gut says “No, I will not” and end up crawling into a little ball and crying (well, hypothetically-speaking). But in reality, I really want to go out there and explore to places, new ideas, and sometimes I really want to break into being “risky” (fearless).  As someone special to me say, try all roller coasters.  I would love to, but my fear of them is what gets to me.  The fear of rattle, heights, losing control... but I really want o explore that area (with some limitations)

I have too much in my Father in me.  Stubborn, always on time, responsibilities, seriousness, workaholic.  Where as I see my Brothers, they don’t have it, but at the same time they do.  I don’t know if theirs are different because they are married and I am not.  But unsure if that is the case.  I am entering my 40s and yet I feel different among others.  I just want to “break free” and become a better person. 

As they always say, “The bad ones are the ones that always seem to get away from things, where as the good ones if they do something wrong, they are the ones that get most likely fired from a job.”  But that is only a myth in my books even if I see it as a reality at times, I think.

Going back with the Friends, I have trust issues with them at times, but sometimes that also leads to with myself having trust issues as well.  The trust issues with them is that they’ll say that I am cool, awesome, but because of my low self-esteem, I feel disappointed to them because I am not to their standards.  I do not qualify to what they want in a friend.  And with that, I don’t give much confident to myself either. I have always felt like the 3^rd wheel around people… not only my friends, but my coworkers as well.  As if I do not belong there.  The “Why am I here again?”  Maybe I hadn’t found the right friends or I have and they haven’t realized my value yet.  Or I have proven to them, I just don’t want to accept myself to them about it because I am in denial.  I can only trust a handful of people (maybe 4-5 at most).  But I do have those I can trust, but not trust at the same because not sure how they would think of me if I ever tell them the truth (the truth on politics, emotions, curiosity, how I feel).  But at the same time, I may lose their friendship or just be an “acquittance” to them and nothing more.  That is how I feel I am to several people.  Yet, I open too much to them and at the end of the day who’s the one that gets hurt? Me.  And who’s the one that keeps crawling back to them because they feel lonely and want to have a social life again and is stupid for doing so? Me of course. 

I am grown adult in my early 40s… and yet I sometimes act like a freaking teenager trying to explore the world.  Yet I am too freaking stubborn to know when I am wanted and when I am not wanted.  I am blinded by those people that they say they “like” me but in reality, do they like me?  Sometimes I do not know.  I feel I am too stupid to know and with that being said, I get bullied; even if people say, “we adults are too mature to be bullied, that is just childish high school play”… yes, I was told that once, then I realized that person IS the bully.  People don’t realize that even as an adult, we still get bullied.  The weaker bully the weakest.  So, my anxiety gets triggered and that is why I feel lonely, afraid, quiet, feeling that I am helpless.  Which leads me into being the weaker link at work at times (even if I am one of the hardest). 

As I enter through jobs and exit said jobs, I become friends with so many people.  Some come and go, others become close.  But something I do see… as we depart a job or your coworker-friends do… some do stay in touch.  While others you lose contact and they/you end up disappeared from their communication life.  One does miss the fun times you had and all, but then they/you disappear and you go back and think, “Remember that one time?” (which makes you wonder if they are doing good and hope that they are doing good).  I have so many I wonder how they are, even as of my enemies as well.  As they say, “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer” because you never know when your enemy might need your help.  Even you always know your Loved Ones, Family and Friends will always have your back no matter what.

Through out my years, I have come to analyze on myself for who I am.  I decided to write down a few years ago some “Pros & Cons” about myself.  Some still reflect, while others may have changed or not.  Not only have these been through my eyes, but others have seen these as well.  Yet, sometimes my anxiety & nerves kick in and they have detoured me into different directions on how I analyze my life and myself. 

We will start with the Pros…

• Caring
• Honest
• Hard worker
• On time
• Organized at work
• Leader at work
• Hates cursing
• Flirty
• Goofy
• Funny

People say I am all of the above.  For sure one thing, Family, Friends, and Coworkers will always be number one to while I am number.  People beg to differ and I should always be number one.  Yes, they are right; however, people don’t know how much I care for them.  As my Uncle & Aunt have put it, “I am the kind kid” while growing up. People do not realize this, but I am a caring person.  Although I do have my moments of being hateful, I do have a big heart.  Each day I worry for my loved ones, family, friends.  Especially currently right now during the COVID19 Pandemic.  I know several of people who are going through hard times.  I wish so many many times in hopes of figuring out how I can help them out, but I just don’t have the money to do so.  So, the best for me is to pray for them and keep their spirit in me.

Yea, I am hard working because my Father has always told me, “There are no free lunches”; that is because you got to earn it.  You can’t just have it given for free.  Always read the fine print.  Because if don’t read it, you may end up at the end of the day at the bottom of a ditch.  And before you know it, there won’t be the help that you seek on looking for.

As I see the list above, some I have no idea where people see them.  I may be blind as a bat then, but personally I do not see them.  Am I seeing something?

Plus, with the honesty one… people dislike me for being too honest.  Would you rather I lie?  Because if I did, then you’d get upset with me more for not telling the truth.  People have said to “twist the truth” (or “sugar coat the truth”); but yet if one does that too; other will see that you are lying as well.  So, it becomes a lose-lose/win-win/lose-lose scenario.  And that is when I feel I always lose the battle.  So, I rather be honest with people, then be lying & rude to others where they may get hurt. 

As I stated above, the above were my Pros.  Now it is onto my Cons.  These are what I see myself more reflected upon.  Which think different of; yet I see these as my weakest links, weakest thoughts, weakest feelings.  Which are what lead me to my depression, anxiety, loneliness, and that feeling that I tend to push people away since I am unsure how to express myself to others via in person.  I express more of who I am via written then to via verbally.  With the Cons, I am more open-minded to them, then that I am with my Pros.  So, please bear with me…

• Lazy - growing up, I always felt lazy doing things. Especially when it came to school projects. I always had my mom do most of the project or even think of what to do. Also, when it came to cleaning my room, and even now at my apartment.  I still have the issue, but I am trying my best for it not to overcome me.

• Over thinker - I tend to over think stuff too often which lead me to stress out.

• Over analyzer - same as above.  When these are both the case, I cannot sleep, eat and want to talk to someone about really fast or it will “eat me” for the rest of the day(s).

• Gullible - when I was little, I had the issue of believing EVERYTHING people said. I still am at times; even if the internet is my friend now.  Even when it comes to having friends, I become gullible about that and do not realize they people are just saying they are “friends” to me when in reality they back stab me.  I am too blind to sometimes see that.

• Politically stupid - I don’t read the news; especially when it comes to political agendas. I read/listen to what others say and only 'sugar code' my understanding on the topic.  Which have led me into getting burnt by those who are more knowledgeable.  

• Naïve (includes Anxiety, Depression, Stress, Worry, etc.)

• Anxiety - due to having ADD, stress, nervous, etc.

• Depression (see above in the Friends Paragraph as I described) - always felt alone. I was picked on by my "friends" growing up. My "best friend" always had to win, no matter what when we played with GIJoe's or whatever. When moved to Mexico, my friends would never hang out with me because I lived "out of their way", plus I did not have a car...so it was harder. In college, I did have many friends; but my original friends hated me having multi-friends and only wanted me to hang out with them. Got to the point, I couldn't hang out with them anymore. Plus, my college has "three" sections: North Side (under 21), South Side (over 21), and center which had the student center, offices, some dorms (which was where I was). They never seemed to have wanted to hang out in the middle; always on either side. Which lead me to the next two.

• Pushes away
• Can be selfish

• Haven't found thy self – I have, but seeing myself as others see me are two different things what I can tell you.  And I don’t see myself as the “awesome” person people describe myself as. 

• Been ignoring God - I haven't spoken to him in the longest time to be honest. Mostly because growing up, I always went to church and once in college, I stopped going. I only went during the holidays afterwards. And when the church in NJ celebrated out 250th, I helped. But I never felt connected. Yes, I believe in him, but my believes and others believes are completely different views.  People think I have sinned for saying that; but honestly, we ALL sin, but in our own different ways (even if they don’t see that).

• Shy - always felt shy, and still feel shy.

• Emotional - I am an emotional guy to get hurt all the time, denied, etc. Part due to depression too.  Most woman prefer a guy who is confident.  But in order to be confident, one needs to be emotional as well.  We are not robots or soldiers; we are human beings with a heart.  And us with hearts, we care for each other.

• Weak - never have been a strong-willed perso

• Emotionally weak

• Drinking more often since living alone - I blame partially the American Society for that. As well as depression. Depression, emotional rollercoasters, anxiety are what have somewhat led me into hit the bottle a little more than normal.

• Scared of change - I always hated the thought of changing. Especially my own self. People want me to change my looks, but I refuse. I like who I am. Changing looks, maybe; but I'll still have my same personality though. As I posted far above; I want to break free.  I really do, but I am afraid that if I do so, I may end up not only hurting myself, but also hurting others in the process from which I do not want to do. Nor do I want to lose them.

• Scared to accept
• Denial
• Impatient – I can be one of the most patient people you may know for certain things. However, I can also be VERY impatient for a lot of things.

• Not believing in myself – I haven’t believed in myself in the longest time. (which includes pretty much all of my short essays, some poems, and even this short essay as well)

• Jealous of brothers & parents - my family are very smart people. Top of their classes, great salaries, etc. And then there is me which leads below to the "3rd wheel/black sheep"' issue. Always felt like that. My family seem better lived then myself. Because of my job-background, I feel I'll end up on the street someday without any support. I feel abandoned at times from them. Especially my brother down here

• Unhappy – At times that is how I feel.
• Jealous

• Black sheep/3rd wheel – back in college I had a dream (approx. between 1997-2001).  At was at my parents' apartment in Brazil one night and my older brother came in.  Told me something of something and that I was adopted.  I was like "What??!!" and ran to my parents.  They told me that I was adopted. After I woke up ended up realizing that it was only a dream; however, after having analyzed it realized that I sometimes feel like a 3rd wheel around my family.  Even among friends sometimes.  We all may have similarities, but I feel that we have more differences then one can talk about.

• Stresses out
• Sloppy – Which is part of me being lazy

• Disorganized at home – Includes lazy & Sloppy pretty much

• Discouraged - I always discourage myself mainly due all of the above on my Cons.

• Coward - I have always have run away from my fears. I never look into the future, but only think too much about the past and I get stressed out about it.

• Unable to accept self – I have the fear of changing myself into accepting myself.

• Always "walks away" from fights & arguments and does not counter-attack instead

• Too many Regrets - I weld on the past too much.  Even to this day, I think too much of the past than that I d about the future.  Which has led me into “think before you talk, rather then talk before you think”.  I have that issue sadly.

• Frustrated
• Stubborn

• Father-figure - I don't feel it. Which is why I don't want kids. I wanted to be one back around 2003-2005, but now. But I am okay with my significant other has one though.

After having read through my Pros & Cons and having write all that I wrote above… I honestly have self-confidence issues. I think too much and too hard on myself.  I need to be more laid back and less stubborn.  I just wish sometimes I knew how do so.  Many have suggested a therapist, but there are things that that cannot help me in.  Others have said to explore more, be more outgoing and less uptight.  But as I said, I am unsure to not even knowing where to begin. Yet, I would love to be shown how to (with some limitations).

As people have said several times, it is always best to risk it all or not to risk it all.  After all, you only live once and Life is short sometimes.  Maybe they are right or maybe they are not right.  Only way to know, is to risk it.

I have nothing important to say

What do I know anyway

No one cares what I think

I could be the missing link

The more I learn the less I know

and yet I get on with the show

I know I don't know everything

No one does no matter what they think

Those who know that they don't know

have lots and lots of room to grow

Those who think they know it all

are pushed up against a wall

Keep an open mind

maybe you will find

that you can unwind

that's how it's designed

It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?

I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?

Have to be a little child from my father,

Have to obey Cthulhu evermore.

And all bad things turned into dust,

By my evil and good Father.

The sheer speed slices through the ensemble of snow and rain. Though, speed kills. Trucking along a highway, alone and abandoned. No other car on the road to make a makeshift companion. The sun is down, depressed, and distraught. The clouds cloud the sun like hands covering a crying face, the sun whimpers and the car slightly swerves out of place. The earth darkens as you squint out of a box. The headlights at maximum light, like speed in the snow, they cut through the night. Boredom and isolation reach you, like a rush of blood to the head. Stuck in your thoughts, as you barely look ahead. The roads are sheeted in ice, yet you truck on. The road narrows, becomes one lane. You peer through your rearview, out of instinct, hoping to busy your mind. Though, the car is silent, and your head is live. You think to yourself, what a terrible time to drive. You think to yourself, why am I alive? Wherever you are going, you ponder if you should arrive. You could just offroad into a snowbank, little chance you would survive. Speed kills. Yet, your hands stay at ten and two, and that little windshield you continue to peer through. The questions linger in the eerie silence. A cellular ring surprises you, though not enough to throw you off. You pick up the phone, and answer with ennui. The other side delivers noise to your ear, you listen and the sounds of the car on the road disappear. Your lethargic attitude soon fades away, as a radiant smile extends from ear to ear. As boredom washes away, so do the thoughts. Why even question your existence or possibly intervene, because a smile erases everything. The voice on the other line utters verbal caress, and the more they talk, they more you think less. You realize the desolate drive had you questioning away. In reality, you desire to live another day. The smile still radiates through sleet and snow, the sun still whimpers, but you feel warm. Happiness invades your personal space, and the drive you so detested, soon doesn't feel that way. The phone shuts, but the smile rests in place. So you hold steady, hand on ten, other hand moving back to two. Back in control of the wheel. Back in control of your thoughts. You truck along, the speed of your car still unchanged, and the lights on the car still beam through the lifeless night. But, before you know it, your caught in the headlights. The smile unchanging until your last breath departs, you would feel surprised but you just give it no mind. You think of the call, and the voice that made you smile so. If only you could've made it home through the storm, through the sun's melancholy. If only you could've seen the sun happy again. If only you could've reached that voice. Though, speed kills. The car up in flames, your body an icy red heap. Your soul exits, yet the smile stays, as your body lay caught in the headlights, that have now succumbed to the darkness of the night.

They say. “you’ve got nothing to give, if you give yourself nothing”

That’s the point of it.

There’s really nothing.

We are neither here, nor there.

There’s really no one.

We’re all just electrical expressions of life

Moving in time space

Breathing in air

Buckets of water

Cataclysms of emotion

Which is why I still care

Why I still want to show you…

every peace of me

I still want to give myself to you…

effortlessly

I still want to know you

with every moment that I breathe

You are who I am to be

You are who I choose

You are the one, the only one

You, my divinity, are the truth in me

The ancients declared that all is meaningless

A chasing after the wind

The modernists claim that nothing is real

A consuming, constant dream

So what shall we say on our mortality;

What should we surmise of our souls?

We've all been screaming what we want to hear

And yet the truth quietly whispers, drowning our voices

We pay our very souls to safely cross the river Styx

Only to find that we can't leave Charon without them

We give our all to gain what our hearts desire,

And realize that we have lost everything to gain nothing

What man can bring back one second of his life;

Yet time seems worthless without entertainment

We campaign to save our fellow man,

By placing funds in already full pockets

Humans are dimensional amphibians, living both spirit and body,

The ghost in the machine

How light a heart in love!

How heavy a heart in sorrow

The weight of a soul drags me down

But hope can keep me alight

We strive for goodness through deeds and laws,

But laws are not for good deeds, or good people

We cannot live long alone, and yet push others away,

Until we are left with only our “selves”

We push and strive to become better than ourselves

Yet we can only grow inside our own nature

At what point in our quest to become God

Did we convert into the devil instead?

Listen…………..

Walking down a blissful memory lane,

Figuring out what’s there to tame.

Reminiscing every piece of cane,

Love still lingers with no shame.  

Draw your ear a little bit close,

Sounds of sadness worthy to note.

Clear silence hollow down the hose,

Settling the loudness through its force.

Through this silence hold me near,

Longing to feel your touch with no tear.

Craving each minute to be so dear,

Time runs out with no steer.

Sweet little nothings to fathom every day,

Craving to hear your voice and not to drift away.

Closing my eyes, I kneel down and pray,

Pleading dear lord to forever let you stay!

Like a star shining above

So you see the earth unlike others

A special insight into humanity

A breath of fresh air to poetry

Should a thought cross your path

Like a comet in the ether

You set it fully ablaze

With your fiery pen and pad