Efforts and dots
Little efforts connect the dots
before a big blow of success,
always this soul stays hungry for
adversities tested by choices,
that rolls in and in pipeline.
Everything is foggy and everything is dark,
unless working with little efforts of serve.
Looking out for nook and corner
will let the whole to gets dry,
Two fishes in bowl worthier than
whole sea filled with fishes.
Perseverance and good appetite
Be the fishes for today's dine.
Let’s hit the bed,
to re-invent, re-connect the dots
for the following sunrise to shine.
Rooster Rooster
Peck peck peck
Why is there a comb above your neck?
You have no hair upon your head
Why don’t you use a brush instead?
Rooster Rooster
Scratch scratch scratch
When are your children going to hatch?
What’s the point of having you stay
If you’ll let your bloodline die away?
Rooster Rooster
Cluck cluck cluck
Who let your brood-hens run amuck?
There’s hawks and rats and fox out there
They’ll soon leave your chicken coop bare.
Rooster Rooster
Fluff fluff fluff
You apparently don’t know your stuff
If you don’t get your butt in gear
I’ll soon give you something to fear!
I’ll give you to KFC you little chicken nugget
It Gets Better
January 27, 2021
Several years have passed, but it feels like only days.
Everything in my life is foggy, nothing has changed
since I was younger and had more time to write.
I've grown into an adult, but nothing is all right.
I've hoped for so long that I could find a place
where I can be myself and not have to chase
validation and acceptance for the thoughts in my mind.
I've searched, I have, but there is nothing in sight.
I have love all around me, with my family and friends.
They assure me I'm safe, they'll be there 'til the end.
I don't doubt that, but they seem to misunderstand
that these problems I have are out of my hands.
It's three in the morning, I'm working at eight.
If I go to sleep now, I'll still probably be late.
I'll get through the day, pay the bills, go to bed,
just to have this cycle repeat itself again.
When the night gets darker and my mind is awake,
there is nothing I can do but hope I don't think
about the forks in the road- which one I'll take.
I could visit the skies above or pretend I'm ok.
The medications, the drugs, and the alcohol
have never helped me feel better at all.
The only thing that's stopped me from leaving forever
is telling myself at night, "I promise, it gets better."
It helps for a moment, but soon my mind persists
that it isn't true- it doesn't get better than this.
I have tried to change all the errors of my ways,
but to no avail. This may be the last of my days.
To everyone who loved me, to everyone that cared,
I don't want you to think that any of you shared
a part in this self-destructive game of my life.
In the end, everything will be all right.
Nothing will change in the world outside my own.
Everyone else will have a place they call home.
My only hope is that by relieving my pressure,
maybe for the others, it actually does get better.
I’ve been swimming in the deep end lately.
My head is spinning in circles.
My heart had never been so hollow on the inside.
I need to catch my breath before I do anything else stupid.
My work of art is an escape from uniformity.
I felt safe with you for the time being.
At the end of the week, you cuddled me
When the sergeant had an off day at work and took it out on me.
I let you in like I did when I meet new people.
You were happy for me when I told you I finally found love.
I wanted nothing more than a friend’s reassurance that everything will be okay.
But you in particular were a land mine waiting to explode.
It’s dangerous territory where you’re from as a queer.
It’s dangerous territory where I lurk on the web.
It’s dangerous territory to build a world without receiving adequate training.
It’s dangerous territory to make friends with volatile people like you.
I can barely read script in Delphi without misinterpreting some if not most of its passages.
My art isn’t like what you’d expect to see in other do-it-yourself or high-profile projects.
The way I write, the way I archive, and the way I distribute information is my strongest suit.
There is no way I can fulfill my goal in life alone without the help of a team that knows its stuff.
You didn’t have to sugarcoat your advice to fix my problems
But you didn’t have to pull more than my teeth either.
You spoke to me as if I had to know every damn trick in the book.
You pointed out where I went wrong as if I didn’t already understand it.
I would have welcomed your advice if you watched your language.
I would have been more considerate if we joined forces as planned.
But being friendly with you in light of this is just out of question.
You can say that I’m high all you want, but it goes to show that you’re smaller than you think.
It’s dangerous territory where you’re from as a queer.
It’s dangerous territory where I lurk on the web.
It’s dangerous territory to build a world without receiving adequate training.
It’s dangerous territory to make friends with volatile people like you.
A vagabond told me this morning that I don’t learn much from success
And boy, I sure did learn a lot about your character more than what it takes to be top dog.
I might also let it slip that you exploded in my face because your little rant was all over the place.
In that case, riddle me this, who among the two of us really needs room for improvement?
Paper trails troll troubling trends into contempt of the truth.
Discount viscounts will turn a rogue rat to a mouse.
No cheese, just smoke them out.
Blow them away with a flash sale.
Beyond the veil is a marriage of malcontent and a desire to fix.
Every troll has a bridge.
Who will hang who with the rope used to support it?
Will you pay per trail that you choose to follow even if it brings sorrow?
Will you step on old branches and leaves in the forest of tomorrow?
To scuttle as a borrower or play possum?
Stiff as the floorboards that formed your house.
Are you leader or louse?
Docile or doused in gangster or grouch?
Is it a straight fight for what you have inside or what you put out?
Sometimes those with those with the most beef will claim vegan for clout?
Sometimes we claim our walls are full of beauty yet we paint them with doubt.
Then we redecorate them and redecorate them until the paint tinge is all we are
So much more
People think I’m crazy when I have two jobs, and think that it is wrong of me to take a day off from my full time job. That it is all on me that I do this and all. But in reality, they do not understand the truth.
People are always judging the book cover rather then the contents. They do not understand what really happens within the book chapters or the story.
Reason I work a lot is because if I stay home, I will fall asleep all day. I understand for some that is not a bad problem; but for others it is. And since living alone, boredom gets to me bad. Yea, i could go “out” and unborn me... but to where? Mall...been there. Movies...been there. Parks....yes & no (especially not when it is cold out).
What other people do not understand, is that I have anxiety (and some depression)... so going out is a challenge for me as well. Which is why I rather work then to going out out. With this “mental” issue, if I were to stay home...then I’d nap all day. Which I do not want to get into that habit again (used to take 3 hour naps).
Social gatherings? Yea, I could do that as well. But when you are an adult in my age (sector), it is harder to make new friends as well. Yea, there are social media gatherings for meet-ups... which I used to do when Yahoo! Chat was still a thing. But it was a struggle for me.
Part of the issues was growing up when friends (so I thought they were) didn’t want to meet up/hang out because I lived “too far away”...yep, I was told this once (when I was a teen in HS) or they went away for the weekend or “their” idea was better, but not mine (and in college). So a lot of the times I gave up hanging out with people even though I still want to. Now most are either too busy or I am too busy or something is up (not that it is a bad thing, but I respect those who have families).
As we grow older, our “friend group” gets smaller than from when we were kids. Which is why I have Facebook, Instagram, etc... to keep in touch with some friends; even if I don’t hang out with them since they are indeed too far. And even then, unknown if we would though due to different schedules.
Just trying to explain to love ones or friends all this....I know they are there for me. But to what end? Do I need to quit a job to see them? Do I need to move on? I’m not much of reading books, because I will fall asleep (always have); my anxiety hits each time I want to “go out” and explore new places & ideas and laziness hits me. So, I rather work sometimes rather then be bored all the time.
And then I re-question life and the cycle goes around again. I question:
Who am I? Why am I here? Who are we? Who are they? What do you want?