regret

Dedication to the One Called We - July 12, 2012

Folder: 
Chapter One

 

If this is all I can do,

Then I should take it to you,

As a clue for for me and you to follow,

Still unsure what to do with myself so hollow.

 

I'm so confused, I feel refused,

And accused of being the culprit.

I can't abuse, or suffuse,

This broken me I'm finding.

 

Coward? Idiot? I don't know.

Exactly what I am I can't discover,

And I'll never recover, or dissever,

My ties from this significant other.

 

I can't break this curse of stupidity,

This soul, bravery of fluidity,

Dripping away from me as moments broadcasting;

Never everlasting; my appearance contrasting.

 

Despite slight tolerance, severance has occurred,

And obscured my torn soul, my unclear architecture.

So despite the impression, give some digression,

And find reality's me, and my so clear recession.

 

I dedicate this writing, to the one called we,

Just so we can see, our reality we're facing,

Our confusion fast pacing; but together we can lace,

And trace our new future, if even new at all.

 

Maybe it'll be the same future it has always been,

Because what's yet to come may never be discovered,

So if thought about it right, all can be all right,

And we never will have to change, never recovered.

 

We can't rearrange our future, or rearrange us,

Only because of that force, that invisible source,

That we call our love, that admiration that floats above,

A disasterful, irreparable and regrettable course.

 

I dedicate this writing, to the one called we,

Because hopefully you'll see, the meaning behind me.

If you look close into my eyes, the meaning becomes true,

Because if you look close into my eyes, what is seen is you.

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Starving for closure, choked by the rope of regret

 

laying drenched in hopeless tears, & fear is a blanket over us.

I feel like there is a rope around my stomach,

wrapping around my esophagus,

all the way up into my throat..

it tightens without warning.

 

sometimes I can't remember who I am..

spitting up blood. can't stand...

on my knees, looking up to you.. 

why did you turn & walk away..?

guess I wasn't thinking ahead far enough..

lost love, tough luck.

 

if I had a cut for each time I regret not giving more then I felt I could..

these sheets would be completely stained red.. 

but I guess we all screwed up.

over time, i'll be able to cut the line... 

i'll be able to tie together the ends of these loose knots..

closure will come to me, whether awake or asleep.. 

it will crawl down my throat, & rip out that fucking rope!

 

no more blood, just bile..

the impurities enter & leave as I encounter endless trials..

vortex of hesitation, it never pulls you in, but continues to drain you of all it can..

spinning around in the middle of no where,

no gravity, no constriction..

maybe this is why i'm choking & crying out for oxygen..

Author's Notes/Comments: 

3.21.13

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I'm Sorry

My eyes sting

From the tears spilt

So drained

Of Spite and love

Of happiness and sorrow

No words could fathom

The guilt I feel

For what I did

You should hate me

You already do

I hate me too.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is dedicated to someone i hurt badly :(

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Descent of the Conqueror

Descent of the Conqueror


Upon the shore, Conquistador

From foreign lands he came

From bitter strife of bloody knife

In lands where Spain lay claim

 

In jungles deep, that never sleep

With heavy heart he’d tread

The horseman’s glare had chilled the air

Where now his friends lay dead

 

His armor heavy, in sultry air

The filth and sweat spilled forth

His stomach ached, his body baked

As he marched ever farther north

 

His dreams were filled once of memories

Of countrymen by his side

But now they drew a different hue

Of skeletons of the men who died

 

Alone and dismayed, he knelt and prayed

As tears fell down his face

For God and Queen his life unseen

Was now a finished race

 

Our man fell back, the Sun went black

The scent of sea dahlia sweet

As pendulous waves prepared the grave

His life was soon complete

 

Time had stopped, no gull was heard

Life’s functions ceased to be

In darkened silence he was no more

A lightning flash, a thundering clap bounded from the crashing sea!

 

He hurdled forward, his mind in shock

In water he did lay

A storm had come and passed away

As quickly as it came

 

He cupped his hands and drank the rain

No more tempted by toxic brine

Neptune could keep the beryl deep

If God willed, he may survive

 

And then in the distance it came,

As God’s own voice, the striking of a bell

Had his country sailed in search for him?

Or was this a demon come from hell?

 

He climbed the cape, to highest point

Was this Castile’s grand naval force?

Where were the mighty cannoned ships

Following Her Majesty’s sacred course?

 

With trepid heart, he swept the bay

No vessel could he see

For fog had fallen upon the beach

He must now pursue lest the ships retreat.

 

The mist rolled down the hills of green

At edge the ocean sprayed

On winged feet the man did fly

To live, his burning flesh obeyed

 

The sands fell quick through the hour glass

On the horizon the sunset red

Night had come, he had arrived

But no vessel anchored in this cove’s stead

 

He was too late, the ships had sailed

The moonlight shimmered upon the tranquil sea

The world was silent save the whispers of the palm

Death became his destiny

Suddenly, the air moved fast

Something dangerous in his presence wait

Had the heathen Aztec gods come for flesh?

Would his blood the horrors of Tenochtitlan negate?

 

He pulled his sword, Toledo’s pride

A sign of Christian Knighthood

But in the shadow of moonbeam candescence

Mortal eyes met those of otherworldly nature

 

The creature still as stone, was silent as the dead

Its form was mortal with watery skin

There was no soul in this wretched beast

On its face, a carved and vicious grin

 

Oh soldier bold, with riches told

I am your cuttlefish

I shall be what thou will see

I will become your heart’s true wish

 

In a burst of light which flood the night

Seduction drew him forward

The woman’s eyes would mesmerize

Lust’s spell would drive him toward her

 

Drop your sword and drop your guard

They’re no more needed here

If you seek love and guard your life

Let sorrow and pain disappear

 

The woman stepped close and embraced his hand

Poor man, what terror have you seen?

What troubles your mind and breaks your heart

And makes your soul unclean?

 

I’ve done my duty and served my Queen

As best as I was able

But for the blood I’ve shed and hate I’ve spread

I shall not sup upon God’s table.

 

Hapless soul, lament no more

For I’ve a treasure to console you

This mystic power will reverse the hour

To your youth, when still an innocent heart beat true

 

What devilry, what trickery!

Will this blasphemy chain my hands?

My body’s purged cinders, and glowing red embers

Will burn before the inquisitor’s stand

 

She placed her hands upon his chest

and with a soft kiss she did gently thrill

With protests resigned and conscience blind

The demon moved in slowly for the kill

 

Three things will I require

To make the mystic prize

Gold for the moon, a heart for the tide, and a soul for fathom’s deep life to abide

 These things would he freely give, once more a boy to rise

 

Around his waist, he carried a purse

Within, the auric accolade of murdered domain

Four earrings he gave, four earrings he cursed

Having profited from the dead where they lay

 

 Under the brilliant moonlight the gold shimmered

In her smooth and malleable hold

Her eyes like shadowy heavens now burned with astral splendor

His heart she now controlled

 

The ocean breeze now caressed their face

And waves washed deep upon the shore

The surf surged around his feeble legs

Her celestial eyes more alluring than before

 

Entranced he looked into her eyes

She placed her palm above his heart

His chest glowed red, with unholy dread

She plucked an ample ruby  apart

 

She held the jewel within her hand

And drew a slow deep breath

She blew upon the gem of red, it glowed and beat then bled

Into the sea it melted, a sign of untimely death

 

She laughed at him as he fell back

Fighting the sea for air

He battled the current to climb back to land

But the rip tide did not care

 

Upon the sand, his eyes did see

The woman’s passive gait

He knew now there was no hope

To reverse life’s terrible fate

 

The woman knelt down, he’d nearly drown

Her eyes he looked in well

She held him down, and cupped his crown

And in blue light, tore ‘way a scallop shell

 

She placed the shell up to her ear

To listen for his voice

“I thought you loved me and for me you cared”

And she, at his soul’s despair, rejoiced

 

I am the deep and boundless ocean

No beauty as complete

How foolish to think a mortal heart

Could for my love compete!

 

And just then, a pelican

From dark, silent heavens it shot

It stole the shell and dropped it well

In its beak, his life and soul it brought

 

The conquistador stood and drew his blade

Her eyes blazed red with anger

The sand smoked, the sea boiled and foamed

His life was now in danger

 

The creature screamed and the earth did shake

As the woman melted into the sea

The water smashed and grabbed his leg

And dragged him to the deep

 

You fool! Your body have I consumed

Your doomed soul belongs to me

No chariot of fire, no angel’s wings

Can save you from the Sea

 

His body rolled down the black abyss

Below where it was calm

No roaring wave or whitecap drop

Could break this somber psalm

 

The soldier swam toward bright moonlight

As pressure crushed stifled lung

And then it came, his hand it caught

The fisherman’s net, to life he clung

 

Above the surface he gasped for air

The men pulled him aboard the boat

The waves impelled them toward the rocks

Terra firma at last, upon the coast

 

The lamiae screamed as the soldier ran

You may go, but know your fault

I’ve cursed your dreams and damned your thoughts

As your heart settles within the fathomless vaults

 

The soldier stopped and turned his head

An angel on the red horizon appeared

Like an arrow, the Sun’s first ray shot

The dark fog and heavy mist had cleared

 

And lo, on the blue skyline a mighty flag unfurled

The gold and red pennant of Spain

The lifeboat embarked from the great ship

The lost captain would be reclaimed

 

The years flew bye, the soldier turned grey

His home upon Andalucía’s plain

 The wind whispered secrets of long ago

Through olive tree leaves and tall, green grain

 

A storm had come and pacified the heat

The land was firm and in a still, tranquil slumber

His weary soul still cursed by the sea

Heard the tide in the wind and the waves in thunder

 

For ne’er a day would pass his way

When he thought not of the ocean’s treachery and cried

His lost love rebuked him still

As the thunder rolled, he laid his heavy head back and died

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Within

Look across and see the dark

The art of disappearing

Unspoken words and emotions

Too sunken for resurfacing

 

Into the night it creeps

Becoming harder to endure

The day light helps it sleep

But the quiet forces its pulse

 

And the pain just crawls deeper

Until the strength to fight is gone

When the morning light shocks the senses

Despair lingers on

 

Throughout the day the walls get smaller

Hallways extend far into space

Tears swell in currents

Leaving ambivalence in their trace

 

It reminds me of your passing

When I saw the last light of hope

I couldn’t reach to you for many reasons

None of which you will ever know

 

The thoughts just sit in puddles

That I pray to go away

But puddles become oceans

with no escape 

 

I sense its arrival

try to prepare 

even send out signals 

to anyone that is there 

 

But the line is left unanswered

no one can hear the call

it isn't without caring 

no one can feel me fall

 

What If?

What If?


It is the only question, 
Without seldom, 
A mind at stir has no exemption. 


What if I had? 
Would I still be sad, and mad? 
Or was it a chance at being glad? 

I wouldn't have cared if it lasted a tad. 


But I guess ive made my bed, 
And that's all there is to be said. 
For we walk our own path, 
But the roads we build will never last. 


Building forward and looking back, 
It's as though our compasses are outa wack. 
If only I could rewind, 
Relive the memories that are mine. 
To stand in their just one more time, 
Would be eternally sublime. 
été 

J. Wallace

2013


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Artificial Fairytale

I don’t want to mean something,

I want to feel something,

Rub that thought from the waking day,

But carry on dreaming, all the same.

 

Well you were right, I was wrong,

Keep your love in a locket, so no emotion can be harmed.

You carry on smiling; I keep my whiskey hidden in the drawer,

I’m an organised mess, so think of another story.

 

You’ve aimed your arrow,

But you’ve missed the point.

We keep on moving, but never left the start.

You are Snow White, and I am the apple,

Woken only by the kiss of another.

Nightly Hells And The Right Way

Where do I go from here?
I'm so lost, so full of fear.
I'm tired of these motels, these hotels, These nightly hells,
I cant stand the back pain from sleeping in the back seat of my car,
Or living for fight to fight, each payment coming with a new scar.
What I've done with this life has taken me so far,
so far in fact that it's gone to far.

I can't help but look back and feel I've been traveling in the wrong direction.
And in what direction was my misdirection?
I'd like to think it was left.
I want to believe I've traveled so far left that there is no more left.
Everything I do from this point on has to be right.
The right direction, the right choices, the right way.

So say what you may,
But in order to understand you have to follow my life back a bit upstream.
At first I was following a dream,
But was it my dream?
It started so long ago
I don't even know.
It's as though my dreams have been stitched together with seams from another mind,
I was so young, so blind.
I followed the dreams they made for me, but left my own behind,
And I find, that lately,
I've started living to forget the memories of yesterday.

I know by tomorrow, I'll be denying today.
There's not much else I can say.
I just want to break down and let the world have it's way.

 

Yet I fight.
Even though I don't want to, I make myself fight until the world has no fight left in it.
No more left!
I will drain it to its very last bit.
And it's funny how I justify it;
Because when there's no more fight, all that can be left is peace.
And peace is right.
Right?
I mean, Isn't this what's right?
The right direction, the right choice, the right way?

After all, whats the worst that can happen If I follow this path?
What would happen to me if I can't stand this worlds wrath?
I'd die.

 

But I don't mind,
It doesn't have to end like a fairytale.
Even if I fail, I can finally rest.
Sleep in eternal blackness.
It would be so calm, so simple.
Simplicity at its best.

But I want to succeed,
I want to win this fight,
I want it to be over,
I want to be right.
Choose the right life, the right direction, the right way,

And you may think I'm crazy,
But I think I'm right.
I think This is the right direction, the right choice, the right way.
All these words, the right words to say.
This is how it shall be.
This is what will amend me.
This is right,
You'll will see.

 

- The Lazarus

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Please let me hear your opinions on this one. It is my favorite piece to perform.

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Regrets

Folder: 
#Fractured

Remember when…

I used to be lively.
There were times when,
I did smile.
Loving freely,
Without reason or doubt,
But…
Look at me now.

I used to cry laughing,
No longer is there humor in tears.
If you saw me you’d only wonder,
What has happened to me over the years.

Now I hate furiously,
Without reason
Angry, spiteful
With the life I’ve been dealt
Bitter with the paths I have chosen
With no one left to blame…but myself.

-Agapáme

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