If this is all I can do,
Then I should take it to you,
As a clue for for me and you to follow,
Still unsure what to do with myself so hollow.
I'm so confused, I feel refused,
And accused of being the culprit.
I can't abuse, or suffuse,
This broken me I'm finding.
Coward? Idiot? I don't know.
Exactly what I am I can't discover,
And I'll never recover, or dissever,
My ties from this significant other.
I can't break this curse of stupidity,
This soul, bravery of fluidity,
Dripping away from me as moments broadcasting;
Never everlasting; my appearance contrasting.
Despite slight tolerance, severance has occurred,
And obscured my torn soul, my unclear architecture.
So despite the impression, give some digression,
And find reality's me, and my so clear recession.
I dedicate this writing, to the one called we,
Just so we can see, our reality we're facing,
Our confusion fast pacing; but together we can lace,
And trace our new future, if even new at all.
Maybe it'll be the same future it has always been,
Because what's yet to come may never be discovered,
So if thought about it right, all can be all right,
And we never will have to change, never recovered.
We can't rearrange our future, or rearrange us,
Only because of that force, that invisible source,
That we call our love, that admiration that floats above,
A disasterful, irreparable and regrettable course.
I dedicate this writing, to the one called we,
Because hopefully you'll see, the meaning behind me.
If you look close into my eyes, the meaning becomes true,
Because if you look close into my eyes, what is seen is you.
laying drenched in hopeless tears, & fear is a blanket over us.
I feel like there is a rope around my stomach,
wrapping around my esophagus,
all the way up into my throat..
it tightens without warning.
sometimes I can't remember who I am..
spitting up blood. can't stand...
on my knees, looking up to you..
why did you turn & walk away..?
guess I wasn't thinking ahead far enough..
lost love, tough luck.
if I had a cut for each time I regret not giving more then I felt I could..
these sheets would be completely stained red..
but I guess we all screwed up.
over time, i'll be able to cut the line...
i'll be able to tie together the ends of these loose knots..
closure will come to me, whether awake or asleep..
it will crawl down my throat, & rip out that fucking rope!
no more blood, just bile..
the impurities enter & leave as I encounter endless trials..
vortex of hesitation, it never pulls you in, but continues to drain you of all it can..
spinning around in the middle of no where,
no gravity, no constriction..
maybe this is why i'm choking & crying out for oxygen..
My eyes sting
From the tears spilt
So drained
Of Spite and love
Of happiness and sorrow
No words could fathom
The guilt I feel
For what I did
You should hate me
You already do
I hate me too.
Descent of the Conqueror
Upon the shore, Conquistador
From foreign lands he came
From bitter strife of bloody knife
In lands where Spain lay claim
In jungles deep, that never sleep
With heavy heart he’d tread
The horseman’s glare had chilled the air
Where now his friends lay dead
His armor heavy, in sultry air
The filth and sweat spilled forth
His stomach ached, his body baked
As he marched ever farther north
His dreams were filled once of memories
Of countrymen by his side
But now they drew a different hue
Of skeletons of the men who died
Alone and dismayed, he knelt and prayed
As tears fell down his face
For God and Queen his life unseen
Was now a finished race
Our man fell back, the Sun went black
The scent of sea dahlia sweet
As pendulous waves prepared the grave
His life was soon complete
Time had stopped, no gull was heard
Life’s functions ceased to be
In darkened silence he was no more
A lightning flash, a thundering clap bounded from the crashing sea!
He hurdled forward, his mind in shock
In water he did lay
A storm had come and passed away
As quickly as it came
He cupped his hands and drank the rain
No more tempted by toxic brine
Neptune could keep the beryl deep
If God willed, he may survive
And then in the distance it came,
As God’s own voice, the striking of a bell
Had his country sailed in search for him?
Or was this a demon come from hell?
He climbed the cape, to highest point
Was this Castile’s grand naval force?
Where were the mighty cannoned ships
Following Her Majesty’s sacred course?
With trepid heart, he swept the bay
No vessel could he see
For fog had fallen upon the beach
He must now pursue lest the ships retreat.
The mist rolled down the hills of green
At edge the ocean sprayed
On winged feet the man did fly
To live, his burning flesh obeyed
The sands fell quick through the hour glass
On the horizon the sunset red
Night had come, he had arrived
But no vessel anchored in this cove’s stead
He was too late, the ships had sailed
The moonlight shimmered upon the tranquil sea
The world was silent save the whispers of the palm
Death became his destiny
Suddenly, the air moved fast
Something dangerous in his presence wait
Had the heathen Aztec gods come for flesh?
Would his blood the horrors of Tenochtitlan negate?
He pulled his sword, Toledo’s pride
A sign of Christian Knighthood
But in the shadow of moonbeam candescence
Mortal eyes met those of otherworldly nature
The creature still as stone, was silent as the dead
Its form was mortal with watery skin
There was no soul in this wretched beast
On its face, a carved and vicious grin
Oh soldier bold, with riches told
I am your cuttlefish
I shall be what thou will see
I will become your heart’s true wish
In a burst of light which flood the night
Seduction drew him forward
The woman’s eyes would mesmerize
Lust’s spell would drive him toward her
Drop your sword and drop your guard
They’re no more needed here
If you seek love and guard your life
Let sorrow and pain disappear
The woman stepped close and embraced his hand
Poor man, what terror have you seen?
What troubles your mind and breaks your heart
And makes your soul unclean?
I’ve done my duty and served my Queen
As best as I was able
But for the blood I’ve shed and hate I’ve spread
I shall not sup upon God’s table.
Hapless soul, lament no more
For I’ve a treasure to console you
This mystic power will reverse the hour
To your youth, when still an innocent heart beat true
What devilry, what trickery!
Will this blasphemy chain my hands?
My body’s purged cinders, and glowing red embers
Will burn before the inquisitor’s stand
She placed her hands upon his chest
and with a soft kiss she did gently thrill
With protests resigned and conscience blind
The demon moved in slowly for the kill
Three things will I require
To make the mystic prize
Gold for the moon, a heart for the tide, and a soul for fathom’s deep life to abide
These things would he freely give, once more a boy to rise
Around his waist, he carried a purse
Within, the auric accolade of murdered domain
Four earrings he gave, four earrings he cursed
Having profited from the dead where they lay
Under the brilliant moonlight the gold shimmered
In her smooth and malleable hold
Her eyes like shadowy heavens now burned with astral splendor
His heart she now controlled
The ocean breeze now caressed their face
And waves washed deep upon the shore
The surf surged around his feeble legs
Her celestial eyes more alluring than before
Entranced he looked into her eyes
She placed her palm above his heart
His chest glowed red, with unholy dread
She plucked an ample ruby apart
She held the jewel within her hand
And drew a slow deep breath
She blew upon the gem of red, it glowed and beat then bled
Into the sea it melted, a sign of untimely death
She laughed at him as he fell back
Fighting the sea for air
He battled the current to climb back to land
But the rip tide did not care
Upon the sand, his eyes did see
The woman’s passive gait
He knew now there was no hope
To reverse life’s terrible fate
The woman knelt down, he’d nearly drown
Her eyes he looked in well
She held him down, and cupped his crown
And in blue light, tore ‘way a scallop shell
She placed the shell up to her ear
To listen for his voice
“I thought you loved me and for me you cared”
And she, at his soul’s despair, rejoiced
I am the deep and boundless ocean
No beauty as complete
How foolish to think a mortal heart
Could for my love compete!
And just then, a pelican
From dark, silent heavens it shot
It stole the shell and dropped it well
In its beak, his life and soul it brought
The conquistador stood and drew his blade
Her eyes blazed red with anger
The sand smoked, the sea boiled and foamed
His life was now in danger
The creature screamed and the earth did shake
As the woman melted into the sea
The water smashed and grabbed his leg
And dragged him to the deep
You fool! Your body have I consumed
Your doomed soul belongs to me
No chariot of fire, no angel’s wings
Can save you from the Sea
His body rolled down the black abyss
Below where it was calm
No roaring wave or whitecap drop
Could break this somber psalm
The soldier swam toward bright moonlight
As pressure crushed stifled lung
And then it came, his hand it caught
The fisherman’s net, to life he clung
Above the surface he gasped for air
The men pulled him aboard the boat
The waves impelled them toward the rocks
Terra firma at last, upon the coast
The lamiae screamed as the soldier ran
You may go, but know your fault
I’ve cursed your dreams and damned your thoughts
As your heart settles within the fathomless vaults
The soldier stopped and turned his head
An angel on the red horizon appeared
Like an arrow, the Sun’s first ray shot
The dark fog and heavy mist had cleared
And lo, on the blue skyline a mighty flag unfurled
The gold and red pennant of Spain
The lifeboat embarked from the great ship
The lost captain would be reclaimed
The years flew bye, the soldier turned grey
His home upon Andalucía’s plain
The wind whispered secrets of long ago
Through olive tree leaves and tall, green grain
A storm had come and pacified the heat
The land was firm and in a still, tranquil slumber
His weary soul still cursed by the sea
Heard the tide in the wind and the waves in thunder
For ne’er a day would pass his way
When he thought not of the ocean’s treachery and cried
His lost love rebuked him still
As the thunder rolled, he laid his heavy head back and died
Look across and see the dark
The art of disappearing
Unspoken words and emotions
Too sunken for resurfacing
Into the night it creeps
Becoming harder to endure
The day light helps it sleep
But the quiet forces its pulse
And the pain just crawls deeper
Until the strength to fight is gone
When the morning light shocks the senses
Despair lingers on
Throughout the day the walls get smaller
Hallways extend far into space
Tears swell in currents
Leaving ambivalence in their trace
It reminds me of your passing
When I saw the last light of hope
I couldn’t reach to you for many reasons
None of which you will ever know
The thoughts just sit in puddles
That I pray to go away
But puddles become oceans
with no escape
I sense its arrival
try to prepare
even send out signals
to anyone that is there
But the line is left unanswered
no one can hear the call
it isn't without caring
no one can feel me fall
What If?
It is the only question,
Without seldom,
A mind at stir has no exemption.
What if I had?
Would I still be sad, and mad?
Or was it a chance at being glad?
I wouldn't have cared if it lasted a tad.
But I guess ive made my bed,
And that's all there is to be said.
For we walk our own path,
But the roads we build will never last.
Building forward and looking back,
It's as though our compasses are outa wack.
If only I could rewind,
Relive the memories that are mine.
To stand in their just one more time,
Would be eternally sublime.
été
J. Wallace
2013
I don’t want to mean something,
I want to feel something,
Rub that thought from the waking day,
But carry on dreaming, all the same.
Well you were right, I was wrong,
Keep your love in a locket, so no emotion can be harmed.
You carry on smiling; I keep my whiskey hidden in the drawer,
I’m an organised mess, so think of another story.
You’ve aimed your arrow,
But you’ve missed the point.
We keep on moving, but never left the start.
You are Snow White, and I am the apple,
Woken only by the kiss of another.
Where do I go from here?
I'm so lost, so full of fear.
I'm tired of these motels, these hotels, These nightly hells,
I cant stand the back pain from sleeping in the back seat of my car,
Or living for fight to fight, each payment coming with a new scar.
What I've done with this life has taken me so far,
so far in fact that it's gone to far.
I can't help but look back and feel I've been traveling in the wrong direction.
And in what direction was my misdirection?
I'd like to think it was left.
I want to believe I've traveled so far left that there is no more left.
Everything I do from this point on has to be right.
The right direction, the right choices, the right way.
So say what you may,
But in order to understand you have to follow my life back a bit upstream.
At first I was following a dream,
But was it my dream?
It started so long ago
I don't even know.
It's as though my dreams have been stitched together with seams from another mind,
I was so young, so blind.
I followed the dreams they made for me, but left my own behind,
And I find, that lately,
I've started living to forget the memories of yesterday.
I know by tomorrow, I'll be denying today.
There's not much else I can say.
I just want to break down and let the world have it's way.
Yet I fight.
Even though I don't want to, I make myself fight until the world has no fight left in it.
No more left!
I will drain it to its very last bit.
And it's funny how I justify it;
Because when there's no more fight, all that can be left is peace.
And peace is right.
Right?
I mean, Isn't this what's right?
The right direction, the right choice, the right way?
After all, whats the worst that can happen If I follow this path?
What would happen to me if I can't stand this worlds wrath?
I'd die.
But I don't mind,
It doesn't have to end like a fairytale.
Even if I fail, I can finally rest.
Sleep in eternal blackness.
It would be so calm, so simple.
Simplicity at its best.
But I want to succeed,
I want to win this fight,
I want it to be over,
I want to be right.
Choose the right life, the right direction, the right way,
And you may think I'm crazy,
But I think I'm right.
I think This is the right direction, the right choice, the right way.
All these words, the right words to say.
This is how it shall be.
This is what will amend me.
This is right,
You'll will see.
- The Lazarus
Remember when…
I used to be lively.
There were times when,
I did smile.
Loving freely,
Without reason or doubt,
But…
Look at me now.
I used to cry laughing,
No longer is there humor in tears.
If you saw me you’d only wonder,
What has happened to me over the years.
Now I hate furiously,
Without reason
Angry, spiteful
With the life I’ve been dealt
Bitter with the paths I have chosen
With no one left to blame…but myself.
-Agapáme