starting over

You Don't Know Me (Reprise)

I’ve proven people wrong before.

You are hardly an exception.


You said I should be single for a long time.

Venting to my friends who were right about you was the real medicine.

And plenty of boys say I’m a catch before they get to know who I am.


You said I need to grow up.

But you’re unemployed and you bash a girl that was slandered by her best friend.

I love being told what a snotty person I am both at work and when I’m with you.


You said I’m self-absorbed and immature.

I saved an artist you cruelly envied on his birthday from a debt that was killing him slow.

It was the best 30 pounds I ever spent this week because it was out of selfless love.


You said you deserve so much better than me.

You tried to gaslight me into thinking that no living soul is good enough for me.

You took the easy way out instead of bearing with me a little longer.


You said I don’t understand how relationships work.

That’s all you’re right about because what one person doesn’t find sexy might attract another.

So neither do you.


You said a piece of you will always love me.

You were just kidding yourself when you said that.

Some therapist you’re turning out to be, dearest.


It felt hazy that I pondered for days or even weeks

On how I was going to repay you for your compassion and charity.

You don’t deserve to know what I had planned for you.


If you somehow worm your way back into my life,

I won’t be crying my eyes out like the time when a bastard was unfaithful to you.

Instead, I will stand my ground like a rock and kick you in the crotch.


You had one opportunity to take things slow so we could get along.

But you’re not getting a second chance because I don’t trust you.

Does this explain why you claim I don’t love you?


Fast-forward to last week to the part where I started anew with another dude.

He’s a scary one that could do more damage to you than me.

He loves me for everything you hate about me.

He’s the kind of boy whose easy to set aside time for

While I hit the books and explore the world because he’s along for the ride.


I couldn’t be more attracted to him every time he touches me to say, “You’re mine.”

It’s not because he desires to put me on a leash and lock me up.

It’s because he understands where I’m coming from and he too thinks “give and take” is crap.

Yet, he loves me like the Holy Grail because he tells me that I’m the best part of every day to him.


Relationships are like snowflakes.

No two function the same way because people are complex creatures with different standards.

Yours certainly were a mystery and to this day, I wondered how it all went wrong.

Our final days were a thin line between love and hate.

I already know which direction you went.

That’s one thing you and the monsters in my nightmares have in common.

Hope Restored


I wake up today,
Fresh and renewed,
And hope is restored.


No more despair,
Today marks the change,
And hope is restored.


I miss you all,
And none of you lost will be forgotten,
But hope is restored.


There is no next one,
Just life to live,
Because hope is restored.


I have released my demons,
They no longer control me,
My hope is restored.

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Clutter (day 22)

I want your clutter, I want insecurity

I want the safest place I’ve known

I want a thousand miracles but maybe even better

I want perfect lonely silence sitting next to you


I want to know when you’re falling apart

I want worlds to crumble at my feet

I want chills when I realize you’re here

I want to say one word to you and know it’s enough


I want to tell you everything I want

I want you to listen and breathe and be

I want to hear when you have to pick yourself up

I want you to never have to do it alone


I want you to know that I’m trying to speak

I want you to silence yourself so I can

I want to be the one to start us this time

I want to be the one to blame


I want your clutter, I want your tricks

I want you to stand up and scream

I want one choice and one moment to rewrite this story

I want you to be better than them

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/22/16


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something first, must die.

On Life and Living


I dared to finally confront,

to take that walk of dissolution


from all I ever knew

including the pain,

the desecration,

the hurt, the sadness,

the empty lonliness.


In letting go,

I, in essence, actually,

held on even tighter...

tighter to me,

to my sanity, my heart,


in a sure and certain life-grip

that whitened my knuckles.


The emotional and verbal

pummeling of my soul,

was tantamount

to a literal bashing

that left scars only I

could internally see,

and still always felt,

their constant bruising.

I was left feeling a worthlessness,

a total self-loathing

and such utter desire

to cease the pain by ceasing to be,

that my only other choice

finally was strengthened 

by my newfound will-

newfound desire,

to survive.


For sometimes to heal,

to live once more

and breathe on

a fresh air of dignity,

to begin anew,

to give life and self

to loving once again...

something first, must die.







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A Matter Of Our Time

This Love


I knew someday, that I'd be yours,

And someday, that you'd be mine.

For it was written long ago,

And simply a matter of our time.


I'm elated that, that time has come,

At long last, I'm in, your loving embrace.

It's where I knew, I'd always belonged-

My most loved and contented place.


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Love After My War

Soul Poetry


I fought for me.


And at long last,

Did I decide

That enough

was way past



I prayed for a peace

For strength,

And prayed for

The courage

That until now

Eluded my

every step.


And with the heart

Of a battle ready warrior,

My soul my weapon,

I made my stand,

Stood fast

And fought for

My very life.


After countless years

Of defeat

Of battle-scarred losses,

This was my


And victorious,

I emerged.



I fight that fight

No more.

I have found peace

In triumph

And love

After my war.




Divorcing From The Pain


I did more than my very, level best,

But I simply could not conform,

Not to a so-called, married life,

That was no longer, of the norm.


When it over years, quickly became,

A lifetime trial of tears and coping,

I finally got the nerve and gave it up,

After years of empty words and hoping.


Far too much, emotional-bashing pain,

Took a depressing and weary toll.

That left me love and affection-bereft,

And feeling so much less than whole.


The scars like those, so often inflicted,

Are the kind no one, can visualy see.

Unless they cared, to bother to notice,

The despair and desolation, inside of me.


But then, I finally awoke and said,

"God, I just can't take this life anymore."

So I set my sights, on starting me over,

Then I walked on out, that prison door.


Now life awaits, blossoming before me,

Like a Spring meadow, after the rain.

I'm dancing here in the wildflowers now,

Divorced from the hurtfulness and pain.



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Nightly Hells And The Right Way

Where do I go from here?
I'm so lost, so full of fear.
I'm tired of these motels, these hotels, These nightly hells,
I cant stand the back pain from sleeping in the back seat of my car,
Or living for fight to fight, each payment coming with a new scar.
What I've done with this life has taken me so far,
so far in fact that it's gone to far.

I can't help but look back and feel I've been traveling in the wrong direction.
And in what direction was my misdirection?
I'd like to think it was left.
I want to believe I've traveled so far left that there is no more left.
Everything I do from this point on has to be right.
The right direction, the right choices, the right way.

So say what you may,
But in order to understand you have to follow my life back a bit upstream.
At first I was following a dream,
But was it my dream?
It started so long ago
I don't even know.
It's as though my dreams have been stitched together with seams from another mind,
I was so young, so blind.
I followed the dreams they made for me, but left my own behind,
And I find, that lately,
I've started living to forget the memories of yesterday.

I know by tomorrow, I'll be denying today.
There's not much else I can say.
I just want to break down and let the world have it's way.


Yet I fight.
Even though I don't want to, I make myself fight until the world has no fight left in it.
No more left!
I will drain it to its very last bit.
And it's funny how I justify it;
Because when there's no more fight, all that can be left is peace.
And peace is right.
I mean, Isn't this what's right?
The right direction, the right choice, the right way?

After all, whats the worst that can happen If I follow this path?
What would happen to me if I can't stand this worlds wrath?
I'd die.


But I don't mind,
It doesn't have to end like a fairytale.
Even if I fail, I can finally rest.
Sleep in eternal blackness.
It would be so calm, so simple.
Simplicity at its best.

But I want to succeed,
I want to win this fight,
I want it to be over,
I want to be right.
Choose the right life, the right direction, the right way,

And you may think I'm crazy,
But I think I'm right.
I think This is the right direction, the right choice, the right way.
All these words, the right words to say.
This is how it shall be.
This is what will amend me.
This is right,
You'll will see.


- The Lazarus

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Please let me hear your opinions on this one. It is my favorite piece to perform.

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personal poems

I am leaving my job today and oddly I am happy yet sad;

Because all the moments i have had both good and bad.


Stress is also a two sided coin that i frequently tossed;

But my faith in this line of work has long ago has been lost.


I am now free of most of my frustrations and anger of inconsiderate persons;

I am glad i am leaving to heal myself now before my life worsens.

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