I still hear the echo
of that time I said this is my heart.
I still hear the rush
and the pounding I won’t ever tire of.
I still spend money
and hours I can’t help but count.
I still feel more than I would like
and toss myself into hallways
and drown in crowds
with too many faces I will never know
the problem with separating my eggs
is carrying all the baskets.
I am choosing
these baskets
I am hooking them
over every inch of me
until I drag like I’m made of stone.
When I think I taste bitter
your eyes tell me you’re worth it.
We are all just looking for people
we won’t regret spending time on.
I'm walking by a place,
A place that has lost its reason to walk by.
Now I look at it with a somber face and a heavy heart.
I do recall the times i was here,
the joy and cause I had to visit here.
But its not those reasons that make me low.
Not the nostolgiac talks or even the cause of the past that weighs on my soul.
It is the joy of then, and lack of it now that brings me low.
The smiles that were, the smiles that aren't and smiles that could have been
The smiles that could have been.
Now instead I walk falsely,
to make light of what weighs heavy.
To make light of what weighs heavy.
I hold my head a little higher, stand a little straighter,
work a little harder; work a little too hard.
Joke a little more, laugh a little louder and smile,
Smile a little too much.
To make light of what weighs heavy at the place I'm walking by.
Unwanted – I am a constant reminder of your pain
She gave birth to a beautiful little boy
No pain, no sadness, all he brought was pure joy
A new life into this world, for her to love and to hold and call your very own
Her biggest wish was to have more children, her little boy’s clone
Pity she didn’t know that it would be her biggest woe
A horror memory engraved in her heart and soul, a memory she will never be able to let go
If she knew, would she have still gone through following her heart’s desires?
I don’t believe so, and those who do, are all liars
Two years later she couldn’t wait for the birth of her second baby
This time around, she expected a little girl, but the wait was driving her crazy
This little baby just didn’t want to let go and come out to bloom
Two weeks late after the due arrival she decided to leave the womb
Excruciating labour pains for hours is all she felt
Tears streaming down her cheeks while screaming in agony for help
Instead of giving her a caesarean, or calling a doctor, she was told to be silent
The little new-born girl was coming out bridge, large, but no giant
The new-born tore her open from side to side
She lost so much blood giving birth, she could have died
Nurses took the baby and called the doctor
Who only arrived a day later and simply gave her pain killers, his carelessness shocked her
She didn’t want to see or hear her new-born for days
This little baby girl left her in a constant daze
The baby was to blame for her pain
The baby was to blame that she may never have babies ever again
The baby was to blame that she was left alone in a pool of blood
To scream and suffer with so much tears, almost causing a flood
With no one there to ease her pain, no doctor, no friend, no husband, left alone in vain
The baby was to blame for her dismal future which will forever remain
Yet, days later she called this child ‘’Desire’’
Funny, that one’s biggest desire could turn out to be your biggest heart’s regret fire
For this poor baby girl was once wanted
But once she greeted this world, she was immediately unwanted
Weeks passed, months passed, she loved and cared for a baby girl
But in her mind, she was always reminded of the hell she caused her, this little pearl
Decades passed, the baby grew older into a young precious lady
But still, she could not forgive and forget, she had to tell this child what she did to her as a baby
When the child reached her mid-twenties she decided to tell her of the birth from hell
And confessed that she didn’t want anything to do with her for days after the painful spell
She decided to tell her because the child suffered from depression
Showed signs of a cold heart and unlovable, unwanted, signs of death obsession
But her confession didn’t change the child’s behaviour
What was done to the new-born decades earlier will leave a lasting scar forever
The feeling of being unwanted, left alone and unloved, no matter how long
That loneliness and empty feeling the child will always carry that burden along
It almost seemed to make her happy, taking revenge on her own child, maybe
To remind her daughter on a regular basis of the pain she had caused her as a baby
The regrets that she carries for giving birth and wanting a second child
The regrets that she has still grows very deeply and wild
This baby is now 40, and it is me
Three weeks until I turn 41 I was reminded yet again of all the pain I caused her, she is still not free
If I am so unwanted, a constant reminder of your pain
Why then, does God not take me away from your again?
Why can’t I just die to ease your horror memories and unforgettable, forgivable pain?
Why does God keep me on this earth in your presence if all you want is revenge over again?
You want to get me back for what I did to you in your womb
You want to hurt my heart and health as much as you can to revenge your pain memories until my doom
Once Wanted
Became Unwanted
I am a constant reminder of your misery and pain
Why must I be alive? Why does God not take me away? What do you have to gain?
I know what could happen.
That’s not stopping me from spending all this time.
I am not giving up a given amazing for a maybe better,
we might be watching a storm but we don’t know it yet
so I draw the lightning on my skin to remember you by.
I am not giving up a now because it could fall south.
I love lying with you too much for that.
I know what could happen.
That’s not stopping me from spending all this time.
And if I look back
I might regret the kickstart but I will love all the minutes.
I know what could happen.
But I know what’s happening.
Here, wasn’t the plan
By JFarrell
Here, wasn’t the plan;
Around the corner was the perfect place,
Scaffolding, no street-lights;
Other than the patrols in hi-vis jackets,
Around the corner was perfect.
So here I am in the subway
At three in the morning
Rope tied to the railings,
I put the noose over my head
And step off.
And am surprised I can’t breathe
And I so desperately want to
NOW!
I clutch at my throat,
The rope,
Clawing at it
Wanting to end the pressure
Whole body thrashing
Swinging
GONE
I know I should be grateful to whoever found me
Cut me down and saved my life
But
I had the courage, I had the guts
And I did it
And it was right
Thank you for saving my life
But I really wished you’d left me there
Because..
by JFarrell
Because
It may be my only redemption
I wish all joy to the World
Because
I fear to be alone forever
I wish happiness to everyone
Every man, woman and child
Because
I fear and feel pain
I wish LOVE
For YOU!
This time without
Be patient my mind says
The hardest time of my life
Seconds into minutes into hours and into days
This time without my wife
When and if it will ever end
The ticking of the clock constantly in my head
This time without my best friend
Waiting for news I know I will dread
Trying to respect rules that have been given
While writing things that will never be seen
Going through the motions of living
Hoping you can understand what I mean
Days of anxiety and despair
All the while dreaming of your smile
This time without the only one I care
Feeling as if my soul is on trial
The hardest part is knowing the end
Knowing that you can stay away
Hoping for messages you will never send
And words you will never say
This time without half of my soul
Waiting and watching for something that will never be
Alone I am destined to grow old
Without the one who means everything to me
I tell myself to let you go
That our time has come and gone
My head tells me this is so
But my heart tells me to carry on
Carry on hope that is lost
This time without my better half
If you can stay away at such a cost
Wondering who now makes you laugh
I can not take another day
Asking questions with only one answer
It is easier for you to stay away
Than to risk a life with me
This time without my wife
Has given me a glimpse into my tomorrows
Without any joy or happiness in my life
My soul filled with heartbreak and sorrows
Occasionally I hold out hope
That my phone will beep or ring
Just giving me enough rope
Enabling my whole being to sing
But its been days out of our time
An eternity costing me any chance or try
My life hanging on a thin line
Wondering how you can even get by
Finding it impossible to completely follow your request
Reaching out with occasional desperation
My stomach turning and a pain in my chest
Like a prisoner put in isolation
If we are meant to be we are meant to be you always say
You must not feel my pain of separation is my reply
A year goes by every day
More and more I realize It’s just a dream in my sky
I have given up any hope we reunite
Not in this life that’s for sure
I just hope that when I see the light
It is you who opens the door
I love you more than I ever thought I could
I look forward to your visits in the night
If I knew what to do anything I would
While I realize I am out of your heart not just out of your sight
This time without my perfect match
Has taught me how much I had
I want to just reach out and catch
That love I want back so bad
I wish I would hear from you
I wish I heard the words I want to hear
I wish I held on to hope for tomorrow
I wish I could hold you near
When I am alone with you at night
It is the best part of my day
All I know to do is try and fight
To make you want to stay
This time without you has scarred me
And made me face the brutal fact
You don’t feel like we are meant to be
You are happier without my act
I am sorry I let you down
I am sorry that it ended this way
I am sorry you can live without me
I am sorry you have no words to say
Facing the end of us and we and our love
Facing your happiness without me around
Facing all the signs from above
Facing the truth that I let you down
I want to say all the right things
And just try and leave you alone
To forget we once exchanged rings
To forget that apart we have grown
I love you now more than ever before
With that love in my heart I have let you go
To live without me and see what is in store
A lasting image of soul exposed to show
Hope is all but lost for me and you
This I know now and have given up hope
I will always be here and there is nothing I won’t do
Swimming in the eternity of my prison moat
This time without the one who means all
Has taught me nothing I didn’t already know
There is nothing and nobody to catch our fall
My heart and my soul tell me so
I never thought you could stay away
But you have and have made it clear
Your life will has continued on to another day
With my role in it not wanted or near
when i’m strong and fierce and full of fire,
running wild
he will not slow me down.
he can smooth over all the cracks,
he can tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to know
and more you didn’t,
he can learn the ropes with no shame.
he holds his opinions close
and his friends closer.
but i still hold back from the free fall,
a fingertip away,
it’s like he’s always searing his edges
and i’m afraid he could steal my fire,
eat me up with the ashes,
leave me barren
even though i know he won’t-
his hands are too perfect to belong to a thief.
i beg without knowing,
kiss without telling,
love without leaving
he plays me for a fool and turns back every time.
all i want to say is
don’t make me
regret.
when i fall
don’t make me
love or hate the zero gravity.
when you touch me
don’t make me
snap,
break the glass.
I don’t want to be longing after
the green we could have lived
if you hadn’t slammed on the brakes.
It’s funny how this started out as searing third degree skin
and ended without even fading to black,
it’s funny how you took the same color I felt like a shock wave
and used it to fill in the stoplights,
I hate how you always drew inside the lines.
Should have seen it like a red flag,
shapes to make me stumble before I fell at your feet,
triangles that would have saved me
all this precious time.
From now on I swear
I will never sit in the passenger seat,
the brakes will feel all my choices like a jolt
even more than they felt your fear.