regret

Spend

Folder: 
2017

I still hear the echo

of that time I said this is my heart.

 

I still hear the rush

and the pounding I won’t ever tire of.

 

I still spend money

and hours I can’t help but count.

 

I still feel more than I would like

and toss myself into hallways

 

and drown in crowds

with too many faces I will never know

 

the problem with separating my eggs

is carrying all the baskets.

 

I am choosing

these baskets

I am hooking them

over every inch of me

until I drag like I’m made of stone.

 

When I think I taste bitter

your eyes tell me you’re worth it.

 

We are all just looking for people

we won’t regret spending time on.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 9/29/17

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The Bouttonniere and Corsage

Folder: 
Poems

I'm walking by a place,

A place that has lost its reason to walk by.

Now I look at it with a somber face and a heavy heart.

I do recall the times i was here,

the joy and cause I had to visit here.

But its not those reasons that make me low.

Not the nostolgiac talks or even the cause of the past that weighs on my soul.

It is the joy of then, and lack of it now that brings me low.

The smiles that were, the smiles that aren't and smiles that could have been

The smiles that could have been.

 

Now instead I walk falsely,

to make light of what weighs heavy.

To make light of what weighs heavy.

I hold my head a little higher, stand a little straighter,

work a little harder; work a little too hard.

Joke a little more, laugh a little louder and smile,

Smile a little too much.

To make light of what weighs heavy at the place I'm walking by.

Unwanted - I am a constant reminder of your pain

Unwanted – I am a constant reminder of your pain

 

She gave birth to a beautiful little boy

No pain, no sadness, all he brought was pure joy

A new life into this world, for her to love and to hold and call your very own

Her biggest wish was to have more children, her little boy’s clone

 

Pity she didn’t know that it would be her biggest woe

A horror memory engraved in her heart and soul, a memory she will never be able to let go

If she knew, would she have still gone through following her heart’s desires?

I don’t believe so, and those who do, are all liars

 

Two years later she couldn’t wait for the birth of her second baby

This time around, she expected a little girl, but the wait was driving her crazy

This little baby just didn’t want to let go and come out to bloom

Two weeks late after the due arrival she decided to leave the womb

 

Excruciating labour pains for hours is all she felt

Tears streaming down her cheeks while screaming in agony for help

Instead of giving her a caesarean, or calling a doctor, she was told to be silent

The little new-born girl was coming out bridge, large, but no giant

 

The new-born tore her open from side to side

She lost so much blood giving birth, she could have died

Nurses took the baby and called the doctor

Who only arrived a day later and simply gave her pain killers, his carelessness shocked her

 

She didn’t want to see or hear her new-born for days

This little baby girl left her in a constant daze

The baby was to blame for her pain

The baby was to blame that she may never have babies ever again

 

The baby was to blame that she was left alone in a pool of blood

To scream and suffer with so much tears, almost causing a flood

With no one there to ease her pain, no doctor, no friend, no husband, left alone in vain

The baby was to blame for her dismal future which will forever remain

 

Yet, days later she called this child ‘’Desire’’

Funny, that one’s biggest desire could turn out to be your biggest heart’s regret fire

For this poor baby girl was once wanted

But once she greeted this world, she was immediately unwanted

 

Weeks passed, months passed, she loved and cared for a baby girl

But in her mind, she was always reminded of the hell she caused her, this little pearl

Decades passed, the baby grew older into a young precious lady

But still, she could not forgive and forget, she had to tell this child what she did to her as a baby

 

When the child reached her mid-twenties she decided to tell her of the birth from hell

And confessed that she didn’t want anything to do with her for days after the painful spell

She decided to tell her because the child suffered from depression

Showed signs of a cold heart and unlovable, unwanted, signs of death obsession

 

But her confession didn’t change the child’s behaviour

What was done to the new-born decades earlier will leave a lasting scar forever

The feeling of being unwanted, left alone and unloved, no matter how long

That loneliness and empty feeling the child will always carry that burden along

 

It almost seemed to make her happy, taking revenge on her own child, maybe

To remind her daughter on a regular basis of the pain she had caused her as a baby

The regrets that she carries for giving birth and wanting a second child

The regrets that she has still grows very deeply and wild

 

This baby is now 40, and it is me

Three weeks until I turn 41 I was reminded yet again of all the pain I caused her, she is still not free

If I am so unwanted, a constant reminder of your pain

Why then, does God not take me away from your again?

 

Why can’t I just die to ease your horror memories and unforgettable, forgivable pain?

Why does God keep me on this earth in your presence if all you want is revenge over again?

You want to get me back for what I did to you in your womb

You want to hurt my heart and health as much as you can to revenge your pain memories until my doom

 

Once Wanted

Became Unwanted

I am a constant reminder of your misery and pain

 

Why must I be alive? Why does God not take me away? What do you have to gain?

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What Could Happen

Folder: 
2017

I know what could happen.

That’s not stopping me from spending all this time.

 

I am not giving up a given amazing for a maybe better,

we might be watching a storm but we don’t know it yet

so I draw the lightning on my skin to remember you by.

 

I am not giving up a now because it could fall south.

I love lying with you too much for that.

 

I know what could happen.

That’s not stopping me from spending all this time.

And if I look back

I might regret the kickstart but I will love all the minutes.

 

I know what could happen.

But I know what’s happening.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/19/17

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here, wasn't the plan

Here, wasn’t the plan

By JFarrell

 

Here, wasn’t the plan;

Around the corner was the perfect place,

Scaffolding, no street-lights;

Other than the patrols in hi-vis jackets,

Around the corner was perfect.

 

So here  I am in the subway

At three in the morning

Rope tied to the railings,

I put the noose over my head

And step off.

 

And am surprised I can’t breathe

And I so desperately want to

NOW!

I clutch at my throat,

The rope,

Clawing at it

Wanting to end the pressure

Whole body thrashing

Swinging

 

GONE

 

I know I should be grateful to whoever found me

Cut me down and saved my life

But

I had the courage, I had the guts

And I did it

And it was right

 

Thank you for saving my life

But I really wished you’d left me there

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

yes, i was selfish enough, stupid enough

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because....

Because..

by JFarrell

 

Because

It may be my only redemption

I wish all joy to the World

Because

I fear to be alone forever

I wish happiness to everyone

Every man, woman and child

Because

I fear and feel pain

I wish LOVE

For YOU!

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i wish you love, dear reader

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This Time Without

This time without

 

Be patient my mind says

The hardest time of my life

Seconds into minutes into hours and into days

This time without my wife

 

When and if it will ever end

The ticking of the clock constantly in my head

This time without my best friend

Waiting for news I know I will dread

 

Trying to respect rules that have been given

While writing things that will never be seen

Going through the motions of living

Hoping you can understand what I mean

 

Days of anxiety and despair

All the while dreaming of your smile

This time without the only one I care

Feeling as if my soul is on trial

 

The hardest part is knowing the end

Knowing that you can stay away

Hoping for messages you will never send

And words you will never say

 

This time without half of my soul

Waiting and watching for something that will never be

Alone I am destined to grow old

Without the one who means everything to me

 

I tell myself to let you go

That our time has come and gone

My head tells me this is so

But my heart tells me to carry on

 

Carry on hope that is lost

This time without my better half

If you can stay away at such a cost

Wondering who now makes you laugh

 

I can not take another day

Asking questions with only one answer

It is easier for you to stay away

Than to risk a life with me

This time without my wife

Has given me a glimpse into my tomorrows

Without any joy or happiness in my life

My soul filled with heartbreak and sorrows

 

Occasionally I hold out hope

That my phone will beep or ring

Just giving me enough rope

Enabling my whole being to sing

 

But its been days out of our time

An eternity costing me any chance or try

My life hanging on a thin line

Wondering how you can even get by

 

Finding it impossible to completely follow your request

Reaching out with occasional desperation

My stomach turning and a pain in my chest

Like a prisoner put in isolation

 

If we are meant to be we are meant to be you always say

You must not feel my pain of separation is my reply

A year goes by every day

More and more I realize It’s just a dream in my sky

 

I have given up any hope we reunite

Not in this life that’s for sure

I just hope that when I see the light

It is you who opens the door

 

I love you more than I ever thought I could

I look forward to your visits in the night

If I knew what to do anything I would

While I realize I am out of your heart not just out of your sight

 

This time without my perfect match

Has taught me how much I had

I want to just reach out and catch

That love I want back so bad

 

I wish I would hear from you

I wish I heard the words I want to hear

I wish I held on to hope for tomorrow

I wish I could hold you near

 

When I am alone with you at night

It is the best part of my day

All I know to do is try and fight

To make you want to stay

 

This time without you has scarred me

And made me face the brutal fact

You don’t feel like we are meant to be

You are happier without my act

 

I am sorry I let you down

I am sorry that it ended this way

I am sorry you can live without me

I am sorry you have no words to say

 

Facing the end of us and we and our love

Facing your happiness without me around

Facing all the signs from above

Facing the truth that I let you down

 

I want to say all the right things

And just try and leave you alone

To forget we once exchanged rings

To forget that apart we have grown

 

I love you now more than ever before

With that love in my heart I have let you go

To live without me and see what is in store

A lasting image of soul exposed to show

 

Hope is all but lost for me and you

This I know now and have given up hope

I will always be here and there is nothing I won’t do

Swimming in the eternity of my prison moat

 

This time without the one who means all

Has taught me nothing I didn’t already know

There is nothing and nobody to catch our fall

My heart and my soul tell me so

 

I never thought you could stay away

But you have and have made it clear

Your life will has continued on to another day

With my role in it not wanted or near

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this after my wife left and coming to the realization she was not coming back

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don't make me

Folder: 
2017

when i’m strong and fierce and full of fire,

running wild

he will not slow me down.

 

he can smooth over all the cracks,

he can tell you everything you’ve ever wanted to know

and more you didn’t,

he can learn the ropes with no shame.

 

he holds his opinions close

and his friends closer.

 

but i still hold back from the free fall,

a fingertip away,

it’s like he’s always searing his edges

and i’m afraid he could steal my fire,

eat me up with the ashes,

leave me barren

 

even though i know he won’t-

his hands are too perfect to belong to a thief.

 

i beg without knowing,

kiss without telling,

love without leaving

he plays me for a fool and turns back every time.

 

all i want to say is

 

don’t make me

regret.

 

when i fall

don’t make me

love or hate the zero gravity.

 

when you touch me

don’t make me

snap,

break the glass.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 3/8/17

Red Flag (day 197)

I don’t want to be longing after

the green we could have lived

if you hadn’t slammed on the brakes.

 

It’s funny how this started out as searing third degree skin

and ended without even fading to black,

it’s funny how you took the same color I felt like a shock wave

and used it to fill in the stoplights,

I hate how you always drew inside the lines.

 

Should have seen it like a red flag,

shapes to make me stumble before I fell at your feet,

triangles that would have saved me

all this precious time.

 

From now on I swear

I will never sit in the passenger seat,

the brakes will feel all my choices like a jolt

even more than they felt your fear.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 2/9/17

Red flag

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