regret

Regret ≠ Rape

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DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO

 

Consent violations, predatory behavior, abuse and rape are all very serious matters.

 

Allegations of consent violations, predatory behavior, abuse and rape are also serious matters.

 

When someone accuses another of any of these heinous things, some very important actions are required by us, as a community of concerned players to happen.

 

The community must be extremely thorough in how we conduct our investigations. Being thorough is important to not only avoid falsely accusing someone without due process but also to avoid shaming the victim unjustly.

 

To neglect either would be tantamount to a new consent violation all its own.

 

It is my hope that by offering clearer definitions of what constitutes predatory behavior, rape, abuse, and consent violations, that this will prevent anyone who feels victimized from being misunderstood and so, when allegations are made, they are accurate. In turn this should help us pinpoint false allegations so no one falls victim to unjust hearsay.

 

Haphazardly revealing the names of suspected consent violators likely will halt the actions of some true offenders, but we as a community of players who pride ourselves on honesty and truth need to be as thorough as possible when doing so. This needs to be done to prevent as few false accusations from being levied as possible.

 

One way to go about this is if someone lodges an accusation, and the accused person is willing to cooperate, they should be allowed to share their side of the story before their name is revealed. Of course, if the accused is uncooperative or unrepentant, then we as a community have an obligation to reveal the person's name.

 

Everyone exploring kink in the shadows and outside the protective influence of the community's watchful eyes are put in danger. But our watchful eyes need to be watching the right things.

 

Simply naming names without additionally educating the community is also dangerous for it keeps the uneducated underground where accepted methods of properly engaging in kink openly and consensually are remiss.

 

"But isn't that the way BDSM is supposed to be?"

 

The above quote is paraphrasing a recent post a newbie made regarding an encounter she had with someone she just met. According to her story, this "Dom" sent her a well-crafted "I'm the Dom, so you do what I say" message that included the manipulative warning "if you safeword, you will not be allowed to play with me again."


Consequently, she said that he beat her well beyond what many felt a newbie's limits would have been. Many in the local community felt she was lucky to escape alive.

 

Promoting a more sex positive and BDSM aware culture to everyone is imperative to educate newcomers to what it is that we do (WIITWD) as well as to prevent predators from exploiting a newbie's ignorance.

 

Therefore I feel the BDSM community needs to continue to be proactive in promoting the rights and responsibilities of play negotiations.

 

This includes understanding you and your partner's intentions. This means, among other things, asking what is desired out of the scene and/or partnership.

 

There is also a need to confirm you and your partner's consent. This means clearly describing what is to be done, both of your expectations, as well as confirming that the partner has as little apprehension as possible.

 

It is also extremely important to be respectful of your partner's boundaries. Just as important is to state clearly your own boundaries.

 

Players need to communicate the importance of aftercare, as well as the likely need for moral and physical support afterwards. This applies to both top and bottom.

 

Stressing the importance of safewords and in-scene communication both for you and your partner is also tremendously important, as reflected in the following quote by Janet Hardy, author of The New Bottoming Book:

 

"It is tremendously important that we as a community build a safeword culture. Bottoms have to hold up their share of that responsibility; a bottom who refuses to safeword when he or she has actually withdrawn consent has just turned me into a rapist or assailant without my consent, and that is not OK."

 

In doing these things, it is essential that we empower newcomers to BDSM with the knowledge that all players have the right to withdraw consent any time for any reason during a scene. They need to be informed that this is not only a right but it is also a responsibility for them to do so if there is any chance the continuation of the scene will cause physical, emotional or mental injury or discomfort afterwards.

 

This is where it gets very tedious. How does a person know if they are going to suffer after the fact?

 

Frankly, we don't. This is why communicating and being on the same page with your play partner is so important.

 

Top drop, sub drop, wrist pain, back pain, soreness, infection, scarring, STDs....there are many potential unforeseen "after the fact" consequences of WIITWD discomfort which we accept as just par for the course. 

 

The after-effect of regret is not often addressed but it is just as prevalent and just as much a concern. When regret is felt by one partner, it is extremely important that the other partner is there for support and comfort. It is also very important for the partner feeling regret to not place blame onto the partner.

 

Once again, communication is essential. Sometimes the partner feeling regret also feels shame and due to that, there can be additional complications with the flow of communication.

 

If after a hard scene the bottom feels like she has been raped or abused, it doesn't necessarily mean that is what has occurred. It is imperative that the situation is analyzed to see if consent was given or a crossing of agreed to boundaries were crossed.

 

As crass as it may sound, the best edgeplayers would pride themselves on the fact that their consensual-nonconsent, degradation and/or humiliation scenes were "feelings-wise" tantamount to being raped or abused. And the bottom's that crave that sort of feeling would want nothing less.

 

Keep in mind when I use the term "acceptable behavior" I use it loosely. It is only acceptable in our own little BDSM world, it is not acceptable to society at large...for in most places, WIITWD is illegal.

 

Like the term "safe sex", there is no truly safe way to practice BDSM. Only safer, more accepted ways. This doesn't mean that if you choose the more accepted way, you will never be falsely accused, but it does help assure the practitioner of these activities will have a clearer conscious and a more defensible argument if any questionable encounters or incidents occur.

 

Every BDSM activity is unacceptable if negotiation and consent are not included.

 

Yes, humiliation play becomes bullying, S&M becomes assault and battery and sex becomes rape.

 

Accurately articulated consent and a healthy respect for boundaries are the basic precepts of WIITWD. Therefore, these powerful actions that elicit such emotion should not be relabeled with such vehemently accusatory definitions (rape, abuse, predatory behavior) unless a violation of declared consent or a crossing of a stated boundary occurs. It just isn't fair to the one getting blamed.

 

If we allow false allegations to be levied based simply on a person's regret, everyone who has ever regretted having sex or has ever regretted participating in an impact play scene has a valid argument that they have been raped or abused.

 

I believe this to be insulting to all BDSM players, but especially to anyone who has truly suffered and survived the atrocities of rape and abuse.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

2013 

View daddyo's Full Portfolio

Rumors (day 59)

I made it my mission day in and day out

to seek out and shoot down the rumors about you

 

I thought you were brilliant, a god on a stage

counting, tripping on the compliments you wanted me to

 

You think you can just let me go, pick me up

well I’ve been waiting around but I’m slipping

 

You count on me to defend you and I have

but none of the knives they’re throwing are missing

 

You know I’ve always known the rumors about you

I was blinded so I fell and wasted all that worthless time

 

The rumors circle round even through my closed door

but I never listened and I told them how you were when you were mine

 

I know you still listen to the rumors about me

but sweetheart you better take a look at yourself

 

Now the light they shine on you is glaring neon

and all the words you gave me were written by someone else

 

I tried so many times to prove them wrong

they said you had jars of people to shuffle through

 

Believing was beautiful just for a moment

till I choked on the rumors I thought could never be true

 

Your eyes in my dreams were strobe lights

so I shut out the world and spent melodies on you

 

Until I woke up to gravel kissing my cheek

instead of your perfect lies drenching me in something true

 

You know I’ve always known the rumors about you

I was blinded so I fell and wasted all that worthless time

 

The rumors circle round even through my closed door

but I never listened and I told them how you were when you were mine

 

I know you still listen to the rumors about me

but sweetheart you better take a look at yourself

 

Now the light they shine on you is glaring neon

and all the words you gave me were written by someone else

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 9/27/16

Lies

View tallsquirrelgirl's Full Portfolio
tags:

Regrets

 

 

This time it was her fault;

She regretted everything. 
 
He grew tired of her, she hid that sad face.
Things fell, hard.
This was her first heartbreak
A feeling she can't understand. 
 
That's that, nothing lasts forever
Unless you believe it will.  
 
 
 
View kaliforniakick's Full Portfolio

Hard to Swallow'

Folder: 
Just a thought!

When your soul begins to shutter

and the tears run down your face,

When your heart takes on a different form

To escape your fall from grace,

The emptiness you feed upon

The hate which makes you thrive,

Seclusion soon will bury you...

                              and swallow you alive'


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Hard to Swallow'........This message brought to you by.."A.F.T.E.R"       ...Alternatives for tomorrow's epic renewal'

Got the Life.

 There they go again, walking out the door.

Anger surrounds me, my tears silently hitting the floor.

 What am I to do? What am I to say?

I get put down for everything, perhaps run and play?

 It gets tiring, putting on my mask for everyone.

Happiness seems so far away, nothing ever seems to be fun.

 

 All I've known is that uncontrollable rage within me, waiting for a chance to be unleashed.

Whenever there was that sparkle of light, it's always outside of my reach.

 It's as if my own life was taunting me, the scars of the past taunting me.

Where can I run? Who am I to be? I don't know who to be.

The anger inside is about to peak, please help... 

Asking out loud hurts, I scream silently so no one can hear me yelp.

 Now it's coming out, my guts spilling out across the ground.

The monster's come out, the hammer is coming down.

 

 Everyone is going to feel my pain, 

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Still in work.

View razoren's Full Portfolio

Contrite

I too, wept

in sonorous anguish

At my heedless impulse

and unthinking distress 

In our chorus

 wrought of screams

  I despaired

In wretched, debilitating recollection

I mourned

In my

 cascading 

  agony,

    I lamented

in palpable abasement 

incapacitated by guilt

& piercing abjection

 I was

Ornamented in grief

  I've never known

 

 and then I knew it again

 

and so these words changed
as art changes through the ages
and my artistic integrity will be permanent
only when my hand is held in skeletal guidance
in my dying days, when I seek to be alone, and remember

my regrets

View tetra_nova's Full Portfolio
tags:

Hey there child

Wake up child, it’s time for school

Time to conform and learn the rules

 

This is your future, cause the choice is already made

About the laws and the people to hold your cage

 

No time for questions, no time for change

You gotta get with the program or you're gonna be estrange

 

So forget about the future and follow the past

It’s time to be part of the sheeps which we have amassed

 

Hey there child, why do you dance in the rain

Why do you gaze at the clouds, maybe your insane

 

Hey there child, why do you feel no pain

Why do you continue to dream, oh you’re so strange

 

Wake up boy, there is no time for rest

You gotta find a job and a home to build your nest

 

You gotta find your lover and then break her heart

You’ve gotta crush all her dreams by tearing her apart

 

You got to lose your voice, and accept your fate

Let go of all that joy and drown in your hate

 

You are gonna have some children and then teach them the same

Keep holding them down until it’s you who they distain

 

Hey there child, why do you dance in the rain

Why do you gaze at the clouds, oh maybe your insane

 

Hey there child, why do you feel no pain

Why do you continue to dream, oh you’re so strange

 

Hey there man, so broken and undone

You done what we asked for and now you’re no longer our concern

 

Wrapped in our strings, oh how we made you dance

Made you believe that you could win this game of chance

 

Lying in your death bed, alone and scared

Filled with regret and wishing that you dared

 

But now it’s too late, so close your eyes

And lose all hope and accept your demise

 

Hey there child, how do you dance in the rain

Show me how to gaze at the clouds, help me be insane 


Hey there child, I want to feel no pain

I wanna learn how to dream, how to be so strange 


Hey there child, please save my soul

Please take my hand, and pull me from this hole

 

Hey there child, show me how to fly away

Show me how to believe, how to find my own way

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

View umair.imtiaz's Full Portfolio

Night Moves

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My Favorites

She is the source of all induction,

Silver slipper of a moon.

With subtle power of great seduction,

Causing the strong to tremble and the powerful to swoon.

We are helpless to her hazy glow,

Casting shimmering slivers of desire on all who dare to tread below.

Her misty light serves quiet yearning, igniting the taste for forbidden fruits

Ever stronger burning.

She is a crafty serpent knowing all our wants,

Flaunting the untouchable, unrelentlessley she taunts.

You see she is intoxicating--lowering all our inhibitions, beckoning us to follow,

And as if possessed, we heed that call, unwary of the course of sorrow.

Blindly we let her lead us by the hand down whatever path she chooses,

And for every ounce of fleshly pleasure a thousand times is what each of us loses.

Her mystery is what entices us onward down that wayward path,

Material creatures that we are never forethink the aftermath.

This woman however is no stranger for we all do know her well,

She is your heart and flesh and want whom sin and treachery befell.

Coaxing, coquettish, our strongest weakness, unheeding of our strenous plight.

Dormant when night becomes the day, aroused when day begets the night.

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this in my sleep back in 1994...17 years old, my senior year in high school. I remember looking out the window and seeing a crescent moon...what a friend of mine used to call "God's Thumbnail". The next morning, this poem was scribbled on scrap pieces of paper on my nightstand. I lost the notebook where this poem was written years and years ago. Last week, I decided to see if I could find and order the book where it was published in 1995. Success!! This brings back memories.

View eleutheria0501's Full Portfolio

Night Moves

Folder: 
My Favorites

She is the source of all induction,

Silver slipper of a moon.

With subtle power of great seduction,

Causing the strong to tremble and the powerful to swoon.

We are helpless to her hazy glow,

Casting shimmering slivers of desire on all who dare to tread below.

Her misty light serves quiet yearning, igniting the taste for forbidden fruits

Ever stronger burning.

She is a crafty serpent knowing all our wants,

Flaunting the untouchable, unrelentlessley she taunts.

You see she is intoxicating--lowering all our inhibitions, beckoning us to follow,

And as if possessed, we heed that call, unwary of the course of sorrow.

Blindly we let her lead us by the hand down whatever path she chooses,

And for every ounce of fleshly pleasure a thousand times is what each of us loses.

Her mystery is what entices us onward down that wayward path,

Material creatures that we are never forethink the aftermath.

This woman however is no stranger for we all do know her well,

She is your heart and flesh and want whom sin and treachery befell.

Coaxing, coquettish, our strongest weakness, unheeding of our strenous plight.

Dormant when night becomes the day, aroused when day begets the night.

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I wrote this in my sleep back in 1994...17 years old, my senior year in high school. I remember looking out the window and seeing a crescent moon...what a friend of mine used to call "God's Thumbnail". The next morning, this poem was scribbled on scrap pieces of paper on my nightstand. I lost the notebook where this poem was written years and years ago. Last week, I decided to see if I could find and order the book where it was published in 1995. Success!! This brings back memories.

View eleutheria0501's Full Portfolio