regret

not the way we should have done it

Folder: 
2023

one thing I know-

this is not the way we should have done it

 

pull me in

tell me this is not the end

eighty degrees in october

juxtaposed with

waking up crying and

your car around a tree

and there it is

an ending that I wrote in the way my hand shook

all my mistakes curved into the bleat of a honked horn

all your blood on the floor

of the two bedroom I will live in

 

this is not the way we should have done it

 

voice shuddering when I know the right answer

the right decision you have made

but the wrongness seeps into me

the way I sink into your shoulder in bed

I remember saying your name in this light

not quite a beg–

if I had gone that far

is there something else I could have asked

 

this is not the way we should have done it

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/5/23

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tags:

Dripping in Gold

 

I took her hand

and poured gold in her veins.

There was nothing more I could do.

 

 

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Blue Glittering

Folder: 
2019

You chase the world

I am not on your heels

and you don’t seem to notice

but after a while you turn my way

 

I’m still the one

who gets to sit here

and contemplate

I don’t get to run

 

I was a queen here

once

I broke the ground

with a silent sting

when you left

 

Follow,

they said

I followed the crown instead

 

I hung the sapphires on my wall

to forget

seeing you in the mirror

and so

with the blue glittering

I didn’t have to see myself

 

Maybe that’s

the whole point isn’t it

beaten broken and stirred

No matter how many ghosts

I choose to chain to your wall

you’re still alive

 

So you chase the world

I take the wheel

back from you

hoping I can find my track

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/20/19

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tags:

Hole

Folder: 
2019

a lot of things are wrong with this picture.

I am not a girl in a hole.

a memory spilled over your city.

can’t make it out alive

so do you want to catch me again

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 8/14/19

From 300 writing prompts

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tags:

Solitary night

 
 
Solitary night
 
tears of dissatisfaction
 
choking on memories
 
a torrent as the dark presses in
 
Searching, seeking
 
the long-awaited slumber
 
of each miserable, useless regret of yesterday
 
Yet, afraid to face the uncertainty of tomorrow
 
 
 

Ripping

Folder: 
2018

If we were perfect

I don’t know

how long

we would stay.

 

If I was fearless

I would tell you everything

you need to hear.

 

I want to repeat repeat repeat

until all the tears are a drought we can’t fix.

 

I want to open the gates

until I am no one you ever wanted.

 

If I was a voice

I would want you to hear it.

If I was a hand

I would want you to hold it.

If I was golden

I would wish it all away

but instead I sit here

ripping all the paintings from the walls

louder and louder

making us quieter and quieter

and I am your bulldozer

until you have nothing left to feel.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 2/27/18

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tags:

Let me see you again

Pretty face

Affable and sweet

Accept my invitation

Take the adjacent seat

 

Talk to me about your art and studies 

The music you love 

All that you find funny

 

And in our limited time together, consider my regret

I never told you about your eyes

Your beautiful hair

Or your apparent intellect

 

That when you left me that day, you never left my memory

That I dreamed about you since the day that you met me

 

That I suppressed my feelings, for fear of rejection

And I pushed them so far down, I forgot where I had left them

 

I will remain fond of you always and indefinitely

And in my absence I hope that you still think about me

I hope that you think about the laughs we shared and the connection I sought

 

I hope that you turn my way, when you're looking for a friend

I hope that you still trust me

And let me see you again

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wondering

Folder: 
2017

wandering

with you

wondering why your lips are chapped

I think

I could tell you

it’s not a crime

if you keep it

 

(I know I

for one

have tucked that kiss

in too many pockets

and I wouldn’t want it

to be different)

 

wondering why

all these days

I spend with you

go by too fast

when you see no future

and the haze keeps all of us quiet

 

wondering why

I’m still not shivering

so close to you

 

wondering why

you can’t see

this beauty this mess

why no one gets tired

of being around you

 

wondering why

it is so damn easy

when I’m alone

to picture

him loving you

 

wondering why

I am not the one

who gets told

I am too easy to talk to

 

maybe

I’ve answered now

why you are the magnet

and I am the poison

 

I curl myself around you

I’m sorry

I keep trying

I will never be enough

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 10/31/17

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tags:

Gambling

 

A spectre exhales in the empty casino.

Binary digits caught in the corner of the eye,

F R  A   G   M EN  TS of a past regretted,

Compression of a future long gone.

 

A profile stalked in the mind, and the twist in the gut that kept it there.

 

A reminder of desperation,

An echo of obsession.

 

In a moment the world falls apart and a penitent psyche fractures into a formula of whimpers,

3.14 with hopelessness recurring in clenched digits that beat ineffectually at an immutable equation.

New faces and old friends scroll alike behind the dank glass of a solitary fruit machine,

Never double, never triple, never four, nevermore,


Always her.


Four in a row of a scowling face that once smiled back when the machine was new.

 

No lights flash.

 

No jackpot sounds.

 

No coins paid out.


Just the solitary clunk of faces that refuse to settle, juddering in and out of position.


Clunk.


Click. 

 

Click.

 

I sigh and insert another coin.

 

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