You poor little porcupine.
It startled me that you jumped in front of a moving car.
I wish I could be there for you and help in any way I can.
But your quills pricked my heart when I gave you a hug.
I cannot pull them out or I would die.
So I had to tolerate this pain and let it suck the life out of me little by little
While I think back to when our affection for each other mended every obstacle we faced.
The future was bright for us.
You couldn’t stand by to let me sink
So you taught me to swim.
I wanted to return the favor badly.
But I didn’t know how I could, sadly.
The possibilities were endless when we spoke of our dreams.
You could picture yourself coming to my rescue and growing old with me.
You couldn’t wait to hear my voice as if your favorite show was about to air on TV.
You made every effort to show that you loved me
Even if I have nothing to give you in return except my own.
A year passed and the storm clouds were brewing.
The weather grew colder and attitudes turned sour.
I was working hard and I felt out of breath.
You were studying hard and you turned inflammable.
“Where was I when you needed me most?” you asked “calmly” one day.
“I’ve been fighting my own battles all this time.” I tell you. “Life hasn’t been kind to me lately.”
Please, please bear with me. I’m tired and I’m scared. I’m going to be left to my own devices.”
“You need to make more time for me.” You scream. “Anyone would have abandoned you ages ago”
“If you’ve been gone for as long as you did. Is several hours with me too much to ask?”
“Answer me, you ignorant, pathetic excuse of a child!!! Grow up!!!”
I couldn’t with you leeching off of my aura.
You made it seem like the world hates me now.
So I packed up my things, spread my wings, and flew off into the rain.
It doesn’t matter how badly you are suffering yourself
If the prospect that I need to take care of myself too slips your mind.
I never asked you to help me.
You did so at your own volition.
If you didn’t want to in the first place,
You could’ve answered, “No thank you.”
We could’ve gone on with our lives either way.
But here you are.
You called me immature.
You called me a teen in an adult’s body.
You said I never bothered to do my share.
But my dear porcupine, have you taken a look at yourself?
Or better yet, look in a mirror?
You don’t see the newfound greed in your heart, but I do.
The scholars in my inner circles do.
Whose leg are you trying to pull?
My loved ones know exactly what you said.
They know how selfish you’ve been acting and what I could’ve done.
If you think no one can love me the way you did, you could not be more wrong.
I can admit when I am anyway.
You went to town on me like I didn’t know how to count.
And my only response to your passionate rave was goodbye.
In the blink of an eye, you disappeared from my mind. Your quills in my heart decomposed.
It was like you were just another customer that treats cashiers like their punching bags.
I wish you the best of luck with your own hardships.
And I hope your own wounds heal entirely.
But I am done with you.
I am done letting your vitriol take up space.
I am done listening to you disguise your resentment as facts.
I am done hating myself for what our love has come to.
My love for you was just practice for the next person.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Demeter was wise to tell me to stop getting involved.
Because I discovered that what you don’t know
Was how amazing it felt to give you up and do her work
Without a care in the world. After all, you don’t know me.
This shit hurts
I can’t do it again
On paper you look perfect
So I thought we could be friends
The kind that never lie
And reveal our darkest fears
Who have each other’s back
And wipe away the tears
The kind that builds and grows
Until it turns to love
Then we sit back and know
It was sent from up above
But instead I sit and wait
Because you’ve gone away
I never know the fate
Of every passing day
It drives me fucking crazy
How am I not on your mind!?
I think about you daily
& and not just because you’re fine
It’s because of how you smile
And how Jesus is your world
It’s Because of how you talk
about your beautiful little girl
I know these things take time,
And id like space to explore
Whatever’s on your mind
To understand you more
I know this is crazy
Because we’ve barely just said hi
But before I fall too deep alone
I’d rather just say goodby
-Zomi July 2019
Can I please stop thinking of you?
Leave my thoughts,
And take my insecurities
What you left in your wake,
As you simply disappeared
No words
Nothing
I'm just left to wonder why
Fuck this inner ache
Fuck this forever pain
I wish you'd come back
Swoop me up
And tell me this is all a joke
I wish I could hold you
Lay on you, or
You could lay on me
What did we even have?
Did any of it have meaning?
Here I am again
Rambling
Fuck you for hurting me
Fuck you for the gut punch to my heart
Thank you for ruining a piece of me
As you remain silent
And I am simply forgotten
Seeing behind your disguise
Facing the truth
Of the evil man you are
Of the turmoil you've caused
Your hands around my throat
Asphyxiation
My eyes pop open wide
Fingers feeling numb
Justice will be met
No longer are you free
Today is the day
Of judging your character
Sail away from your problems
Feel you owe me nothing
Sense a bit of freedom
But always let a thought linger
Of the woman
Half fish
Who never stole your heart
But did steal your soul
For I am nothing
But powerful
As I lure you in
With a song
Hold onto the bow
But it won't save you
Your final calling
Unreleased to freedom
Disgust, anger, fear, denial, reason, acceptance, denial, acceptance, effort, total acceptance, disappointment, release, rebuilding.
My love for myself must far exceeded all the misguided love I put in you.
You were my happy space, my blue sky, my lover, and my confidant.
But I wasn't your jack of all trades in love.
For so long you were more important than me, to me.
Then you hit the eject button on our roller coaster of love.
To my rose colored glasses just as we were getting to another straight.
In front of me, a hard, I meaneed diamond to safety scissors hard place.
Behind me, the rock that held Excalibur.
I had my hands prime to free that sword for so long...
Little did I know it would soon become the weapon lodged deep into my heart.
My king of a broken kingdom...How fitting is that title?
I thought I failed my son by allowing his vision of a 2 parent filled home to be snatched away. Should have tried harder but that takes two to tango.
Little did I know I was filling his eyes with deception and terrible renditions of a happy home.
All bad? No not at all.
No scars or abuse, as it would seem we just forced a round peg in a square hole at the wrong time stamp.
Trips down memory lane? Sorry we don't go that route anymore.
You made it look so easy, and that ease killed me even more.
If I am ever to rebuild this dynasty it must be on new ground.
The foundation we once had turned into a sinkhole the size of the Grand Canyon.
We constantly defend ourselves against the other until we ended up on the attack without conscience effort.
No fears my heart is trying to get the grand opening sign back up and lit.
My mind wants to believe in a world that wouldn't just make me view love from a cage.
No desperation here I can and will wait on my King!
Until then I will clean my castle and fine tune my Queenly charm, so that it is ready to greet him royally upon his arrival.
"So hot headed,
but heavy is the hand
that is kept from raising.
Which,
being how soft
the surface below
it would fall upon,
it is al and well
no hand was raised,
indeed,
but there is no praise
for such common sense.
Uncommon men
and situations
make for comics
and comical accusations,
life's a joke
so sometimes I laugh at it,
but this time around
I keep frowning.
So here it is,
laid on the table
the meal made,
with much forethought.
And in the end,
all it causes is heat,
feet stomping,
no use for a cooler,
all around fire is sprayed
and it keeps trying
to catch,
skin not lit.
Whatever the reason,
be it power or to tower above,
stepping in increases rage,
decreases range.
Within striking distance,
add more fuel to the fire
burning deep inside,
taught to never lay a finger
on the fairer sex,
but the moment tests all control,
reveal, resist,
total consequence in the rearview.
SLew of words,
which hold meaning
spoken out of love or anger,
babble dipping into ears
is all tuned out;
been inside my head for hours
already.
So you go,
but not before raising your own hand,
no pain felt with the blow,
no weight to it.
But damned if the point isn't realized,
asked to leave
only to come once I'm gone,
leaving my abode vandalized.
How dissapointing.
An anger so roasting
kept cool with a conversation
with a friend,
longboarder, car hoarder,
keeps one in check
before diving into a bitter
back-and-forth.
The bitter look
thrown with an intense glare
with one more pass,
feeling sick to the stomach,
but if one wants,
just ask.
I can be more specific.
Penurious of kindness,
parsimonious of respect."
Do you want..
Do you want me to tell you I miss you?
Do you want
Do you want me to say my heart is in pieces?
Do you want
Do you want me to tell you its hard to breathe?
Do you want
Do you want me to tell you I will never forget you?
I won't
She told me that she didn't know
anymore what I thought we knew.
She told me she was thinking still
of where to go and what to do.
She told me that she loved me still
yet she thought it best she go.
She told me that she always would
but in her eyes it didn't show.
She left, and there I stood alone
as she swore I'd never be.
She left, and there I stood alone,
lost at home with her memory.
"What Went Wrong"(www)
(1st Verse)
I miss you more than these words can explain the pain is like rain when it pours.
I'm so cold and alone why are you gone? Can you hear me calling you every night?
This is my story of all the love and glory I have for you.
The breaths you take from me when I think of being without you.
I'm sorry for all the harmful words the damage I caused.
It doesn't always have to be this way I'll change your life make everything just right find me today I may not make it much longer.
(Chorus)
So when you coming home baby you always know where to find me.
The phone ain't ringing anymore everyone's gone now it's just you.
Come home today right now.
I don't care about what's his/her face if you look past what's his/her name we need to change for us.
(2nd Verse)
Seeing you with someone isn't what hurts it's every single breath I take without you.
Don't you hurt without me is it only me that feels this now?
I'm falling apart who am I where'd I go wrong let me fix it these stitches won't hold for long.
(repeat chorus)