You poor little porcupine.
It startled me that you jumped in front of a moving car.
I wish I could be there for you and help in any way I can.
But your quills pricked my heart when I gave you a hug.
I cannot pull them out or I would die.
So I had to tolerate this pain and let it suck the life out of me little by little
While I think back to when our affection for each other mended every obstacle we faced.
The future was bright for us.
You couldn’t stand by to let me sink
So you taught me to swim.
I wanted to return the favor badly.
But I didn’t know how I could, sadly.
The possibilities were endless when we spoke of our dreams.
You could picture yourself coming to my rescue and growing old with me.
You couldn’t wait to hear my voice as if your favorite show was about to air on TV.
You made every effort to show that you loved me
Even if I have nothing to give you in return except my own.
A year passed and the storm clouds were brewing.
The weather grew colder and attitudes turned sour.
I was working hard and I felt out of breath.
You were studying hard and you turned inflammable.
“Where was I when you needed me most?” you asked “calmly” one day.
“I’ve been fighting my own battles all this time.” I tell you. “Life hasn’t been kind to me lately.”
Please, please bear with me. I’m tired and I’m scared. I’m going to be left to my own devices.”
“You need to make more time for me.” You scream. “Anyone would have abandoned you ages ago”
“If you’ve been gone for as long as you did. Is several hours with me too much to ask?”
“Answer me, you ignorant, pathetic excuse of a child!!! Grow up!!!”
I couldn’t with you leeching off of my aura.
You made it seem like the world hates me now.
So I packed up my things, spread my wings, and flew off into the rain.
It doesn’t matter how badly you are suffering yourself
If the prospect that I need to take care of myself too slips your mind.
I never asked you to help me.
You did so at your own volition.
If you didn’t want to in the first place,
You could’ve answered, “No thank you.”
We could’ve gone on with our lives either way.
But here you are.
You called me immature.
You called me a teen in an adult’s body.
You said I never bothered to do my share.
But my dear porcupine, have you taken a look at yourself?
Or better yet, look in a mirror?
You don’t see the newfound greed in your heart, but I do.
The scholars in my inner circles do.
Whose leg are you trying to pull?
My loved ones know exactly what you said.
They know how selfish you’ve been acting and what I could’ve done.
If you think no one can love me the way you did, you could not be more wrong.
I can admit when I am anyway.
You went to town on me like I didn’t know how to count.
And my only response to your passionate rave was goodbye.
In the blink of an eye, you disappeared from my mind. Your quills in my heart decomposed.
It was like you were just another customer that treats cashiers like their punching bags.
I wish you the best of luck with your own hardships.
And I hope your own wounds heal entirely.
But I am done with you.
I am done letting your vitriol take up space.
I am done listening to you disguise your resentment as facts.
I am done hating myself for what our love has come to.
My love for you was just practice for the next person.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Demeter was wise to tell me to stop getting involved.
Because I discovered that what you don’t know
Was how amazing it felt to give you up and do her work
Without a care in the world. After all, you don’t know me.
Are you ready for it?
I shouldn’t have to ask you that question after all that you have done.
It would’ve been rude of me not to give you a heads-up like this.
Your reign of terror is steps closer to its endgame.
If I do not draw my sword and face the ghosts of my past, checkmate is guaranteed.
I did something bad long ago, but can you blame me?
I’m just a human being that made a mistake because I was not in the right mind.
Anguish and love do not mix because both made my life worse before.
If you respect that my situation is delicate, why do you keep poking the hornet nest?
If you crack it open and the wasps sting you so much their poison burns,
don’t be surprised if I say, “Look what you made me do.”
Your empathy is lacking so why should I care if you are put to rest the next day?
Princes don’t negotiate with paupers like me.
So it goes because fame and violence are always placed above justice and peace.
Isn’t it gorgeous to be the one in control? To run a country or a sect without a care in the world?
Doesn’t it feel amazing when your subjects obey you unconditionally as if you are an almighty god?
These questions reveal to me that aristocrats and celebrities use their authority
for insolence and seduction. No wonder we can’t have nice things.
You are not entitled to my throne even though a liar was the king of my heart before.
What was “yes” today could be “no” tomorrow so I keep fewer promises.
I’ve heard enough empty platitudes from your devotees to realize that an oath is not to be made lightly.
Anything else you want to preach about before I take the getaway car to escape additional agony?
Go ahead and dress your possessive wiles by telling me you love me
And shower me with material goods to let my guard down against my better judgment.
But when you try to use your tenderness as leverage, it is all the more reason for me to leave.
The longer I stay here, the more certain it is that my life is in danger.
My hands are tied keeping the darkness around me at bay for as long as I can.
Fortune is never on my side when I dance, but my sword will always be my partner.
Call it what you want, but the battlefield is my ballroom.
If dancing alone is the only way I can retain my individuality, so be it.
Happy Raʼs as-Sanah al-Hijrīyah, Vlad Dracula.
I’ll see you in Hell.
You’ve done it again. You’ve done it again, mate.
You went back on your word when you promised you’d stick with me in the long run.
Even if our passion moved far too quickly at first.
Before it simmered down to give us time to intercept our demons.
It should’ve been the other way around.
In an age where I can’t see your face nor can I hold your hand,
It’s become a force of habit that I wish I could stop partaking in.
I love too quickly because I am a freak scared of being molded into something I’m not.
Regardless of my desire, I still have to know what goes on in your own life.
That either excites you, scares you, angers you, saddens you, and soothes you.
I’d have to appreciate you before my infatuation gets the better of me and it evolves into love.
I never planned to stop caring even after finding out your weight was dangerously high.
I was reassured that you planned to take care of yourself, but you never knew that.
You didn’t know what to do nor what to say when I didn’t find out about your size sooner.
You didn’t want to shove me away, but you did.
You didn’t want to hurt me, but you did.
You said you were interested in me, but you weren’t.
You said you weren’t in it for short-term happiness, but you were.
All because you turned your back on me when I was willing to keep you tight regardless.
You are such a damn fraud that vies for a sugar bowl that I am fighting tirelessly to keep.
How many sorries does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I could let you know when you get it to turn on.
But how can I notify you if you severed ties with me?
Since you ran away, an apology is as empty as your soul.
You turned out to be just like your exes and here I am, telling you, “Fuck your love quest.”
It’s not like you’re going to take it again anytime soon nevertheless.
Lonely pieces of crap only want to love when they wish for an early death.
Were you trying to gasp for air when the ocean took away your breath?
If you’re still wondering why you’ll never find love, I’ve got bad news for you.
The way you made my heart beat for you until you made a crack in it is the answer to your question.
You may never know this about me because I don’t always realize it myself.
But when I embrace a soul whose loyalty and compassion is unbreakable,
I realize that I am never alone.
They may face obstacles and heartaches of their own, but they never let them tear them apart.
One day, I’ll find love of my own and I continue to pray that it will be as true as my friendships.
What a shame that you’ll never see that I am never alone.
It was Day 1 when it was scorching hot and we crossed paths.
I was looking for an oasis to drink from,
Though a hug from you was a thousand times better
Because afterwards, we went swimming in the lake and laughed at the gold diggers passing by.
Poor men were oblivious that they mined their last nugget in this desert.
It was Day 2 when we continued our journey.
You introduced me to your bitches when you brought me home.
One licked me silly while the second took a while to come around.
It was only trying to judge me to see if I would be a menace to your family.
I’ve always liked the playful, funny, and carefree breeds.
It was Day 3 when you showed me your larger-than-life garden.
You spoke of how your brother and mother had toiled day and night tending to it.
The garden was shaped like the number 5 and I couldn’t be happier.
You regaled me with stories of an ancient civilization that once existed in this land of the dead.
Every word from your tongue between breaths was like a missing page in a book lost in time.
It was Day 4 when I crawled on my knees after a beating from a two-faced sergeant
Looking for you so you could lift me back on my two feet and hold me close
But to add insult to injury, you held your scorn like you should’ve held my hands.
So I passed out on the floor and was left for dead out in the open.
How do indecisive weeds like you sleep at night?
It was Day 5 when I woke up expecting you’d be there, but your home was empty.
Your garden was withered and the magic was gone so it turns out that it was all a mirage.
You can rationalize your actions and demonize me any way you like,
But when you save your second thoughts for one minute before midnight,
It’s goodbye and good riddance to you weeds.
So I left. It was better for me to abandon you before you inevitably did the same.
The world is full of snakes and trojans as it is.
It’s best for me to give them a dose of their own venom as soon as I see right through them.
You should’ve told me earlier rather than at the last minute.
Or when I have fallen and can’t get up.
Then maybe we could’ve still been friends.
But now you’re just another silhouette that shears hearts like hedges.
If you’re looking to post an ad requesting company in a moment of loneliness,
Think again before you shatter another heart or wager your sanity.
A weed ain’t cut out for love, let alone a friendship
If it can’t make up its mind and let its loneliness fog its judgment.
Poor guy should’ve inspected the thorns before he picked the rose.
Now it’s my turn to wager a few things,
I bet you don’t even miss me.
I bet you feigned regret that you added salt in the wound.
I bet that you’ll forget all about me after the weekend I disappeared.
I bet you’ll cower in the arms of the two bitches you value most in life.
I bet you’ll start looking for another soul that you’ll pray to Aphrodite you won’t screw over.
Whatever happens to you, I am grateful that I have kin to keep tight
And an adventure I continue to embark on in the desert with or without you there for me.
You’re just another silhouette that shears hearts like hedges.
I knew the definition
But never truly understood.
I knew powerful metaphor
And sublime simile.
But not until today
Did I hold in my hands
A simple symbol.
It was difficult
To behold simplicity
And ascertain meaning.
Nothing more
Than a pair of boots.
Nothing less than my
Passionate obsession.
My love and my lust
Embodied in leather and lace.
I saw them and knew
They were what I would bore
Into my future and would wear
Down as I reached that place.
I saw them and knew
A pair had carried me thus far,
And that yet another
Would yet thrust me afar.
They meant to me
Much more than footwear.
They meant to me
A lifestyle and success,
For they meant subsistence.
Yet they were nothing more
Than a pair of dusty boots.
I stand in the ruins of you
carrying the casket
of the memories of us
Once,
a cradle of holy affection and love.
Here lie the shattered 8 months
of unison prayers,
jeepney banters,
subtle, orgasmic whispers,
the euphoria of meeting your mother,
and the dreams we built
on midnight kisses and sacred moans.
•
The pen you gave me
still holds
its allegiance to you
refusing to spill its ink
thriving on its own will
I grapple it by its neck
and watch it slowly faint.
•
Lonely hearts from the start,
we relished the thought of a lasting love.
Two candles burn
when two lovers pray.
On our very first date,
I cursed on how you made me wait.
On our very last day,
I prayed that He would make you stay.
People say first impressions last
But you had me only at second glance.
•
Sober fools in a clandestine night
we laughed and walked for hours and miles
You, holding my bag
Me, holding your hand.
This was before his ghost haunted you
again
alive and well.
This was before in between hours,
you’d forget my whispers
and long for his.
This was before your friend
called me to say,
“Just let him go. Love is not supposed
to work this way.”
•
The dark clouds came
and never left.
•
I stand in the ruins of you,
claws clutching to the ground,
eyes beaten and tired,
feet still shackled
with the ropes you gave me last June
and every inch of them is an untold story
and each story is a blow to my head.
Love is but a slowly unfolding agony.
Knot
after
knot,
I untangle these shackles I tied myself to.
Knot
after
knot,
I begin to remember
the life I built around you and me,
the dreamy kisses,
the day I met your friends and family,
the night I got so drunk
you had to forget our fight
to come and get me,
the night you got so drunk
you had to forget our fight
to say you still love me.
But the high wasn’t worth the agony
of knowing that at my lowest point,
confined in a hospital,
covered with punctures,
you successfully abandoned me;
of carrying a bleeding heart every day
and hoping it won't leak;
of feeling the sands of time slip
away from your grasp,
along with all your hope and chance;
of finally choosing to live through hell
hoping that your lover would remember
the warmth of an earthly heaven
you built for yourselves and once lived in.
of knowing that the memory of us
would later turn to dust
and I am to collect them
with bare hands.
Knot
after
knot,
The walls of this temple begin to shatter
I am no longer your prisoner.
I stand in the ruins of you,
claws clutching
on crumpled bed sheets,
rubbles of your promises,
residues of your gifts,
pictures torn to pieces,
my handwritten notes
a hundred poems,
a thousand letters
and the ashes of our bodies.
I spread my wings
and begin to rise
and look up for the clouds
The dark clouds that came
never left.
But I am.
•••
I slip into an onyx dream
darker than any decaying thing
From the void trying to fill the void
Like Erebus I too am born of Chaos
-unraveling in a mist of dissonance
The silken noose tightens
I am cast into my own Spellhold-
cursed and forgotten
Pain is a welcomed refuge
Lest the 'stars hide their fires'
I will burn into a blacken ember
The hour of silence beckons
Echidna coils her fiery despair
Round and round, over and over
A mother's love- her beautiful poison
And sinks her fangs while
begging for absolution
I sink below the slithering surface
where nighmares wash away the sadness
There is no peaceful passing
She carves her scars into her child's heart
And only with her blessing does she allow any healing
I slip further into the tangled madness
caught on layers of dissension
The steady beating of despair
is slowly creating a new heir
She shows you the horizon
She tells you it is near
Then she swims in self delusion
all while drowning others with her fear
I close my eyes, I open them wide
Inside a sleepless mind, the quiet
is a beautiful lie
Like it or not I have to choose-
To descend further into a watery grave
or tighten the noose
“Who is he?”
I whisper to myself
as your eyes gaze off to the distance
and treat me with the unbearable silence
I’m a little too late, I guess,
I hear your eyes scream, they confess
It is him who holds your heart
The one you’d rather hold your hand
Under the city lights
In a cold November night
But my love for you is greater than his.
So do the honor and list down the things
you so liked about him
Watch me burn myself with a pile of leaves
and reborn as him
Just let me be your light, your candle tonight
I can be him, your lover, if you like
I’ll cut my wrist, drain the blood my ancestors
passed on to me
Replace it with the words he whispers
when I’m not around
Let his words flow down my veins so you may speak
and tell me all the things you never say to me
Slit my throat with the screen of the phone you use
To capture his face, his smile, the perfection, your muse
Because you never even once
took a picture of me
— or maybe my image is just
too hideous for you to keep?
What strength of lens does he use, you say?
I can smash mine down if it’s not the same
Use the shards to peel off my skin I so badly hate
Blessed is he to have the kind that keeps you sane
I’ll unclench my claws I’ve spent years to build
Pull them out and mold me his hands and feet
Let the blood spritz all over the room
Let them spell: HERE LIES A HOLY FOOL,
WHO SURRENDERED HIMSELF FOR LOVE —
BECAUSE HIS LOVE WAS NEVER ENOUGH.
Tell my mother I died a sweetest death
And I’ll be waiting in line in the Day of Resurrect
Pour out the gasoline all over my corpse for the final touch
Say a short Ignatian prayer before you strike the match
Watch my skin; watch my veins turn to ash, turn to dust,
as I’m enveloped and swallowed by flames
‘Cause I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of asking,
“Who is Carl, baby? I’m James.”
From now on, call me Carl.
Not quite gold
But somehow always compared to it
I've heard of its value,
Its mention through the years
Mostly exsting in wedding bands
Or in cutlery for the wealthy.
I do not know its worth
I do not know gold's either
And there the comparisons continue
I wonder if the element minds
Remaining in second place,
Always being looked down by gold,
Its perfect big brother,
If you will.
Silver makes good heart-shaped lockets,
I'm sure it also serves
To uncover a deadly monster
Featured in Supernatural.
I'm sure silver does not like being silver.
I wouldn't want to be silver.
I think gold is what silver wants to be.
It does not want to end up a knife,
Spoon,
Fork,
Silver wants to be wanted
So much that others fight for it.
Silver wants to be looked at
For its bright color,
Not the dull grayish one
It comes with.
Silver could be gilded,
Though that would make it worthless.
But I don't think silver is that bad
If you really think about it.
Gold attracts too much attention,
While silver is a reserved one.
I know silver wants to be gold,
And to stop being compared and contrasted
Heartlessly
But maybe at the end of the day
Silver just wants to stay silver