You came at a bad time.
A terribly, terribly bad time.
You showed up the moment I couldn’t stand to touch you.
I was afraid you were never going to come.
I should have been glad you came, but why am I not relieved?
Is it that crippling fear that the moment I touch you, you fade away like a ghost?
Is it that you might be a whistleblower looking for an insecurity to use against me later?
Or is it that you are trying to distract me from tending to my garden before it dies of thirst?
I want to shout, “Why didn’t you come sooner?!”
I want to shout, “Where were you when I needed you most?!”
I want to yell at the top of my lungs, “Would it kill you to tell me what’s driving you away from me?!!”
But I am too nice. Too kind and gentle to scream and point to the elephant in the room.
The very elephant that a sorcerer pulled out of his hat and crippled both of my limbs.
I never wanted to call for help because it reinforces the notion that I should still be in high school.
I’ve crawled around all year avoiding the other teenage drama queens that worship dragons.
Seems like they forgot that dragons like to steal our fortunes and our hearts. Before they eat them.
Spending time with my open-minded little brother has planted a seed of doubt in my head.
A seed that gets me thinking that all love does to me is waste my time experimenting with false hope.
My imaginary nights with a fallen angel goes along the lines of;
“Yes, yes, honey, shower me with hugs and kisses. Oh, my love, how I yearn for you.
Pleasure me with your lust until the water in your veins runs out and you become a raisin.
Only then, will I toss you in the sun and wonder why the hell I’ve never gotten lucky.”
When will the water cycle end for the both of us?
What compels Venus to bewitch me to make bad choices?
Why else do you think independent seekers with degrees in hand avoid commitment?
Our grandparents and parents are more patient than our generation is now
Because compared to us, they tended to their gardens and their raisins.
You did a bang-up job tending to me by showering me with promises you can’t keep,
With complex wisdom about human nature, stories of your struggle to get your education over with,
And the snuggles and touches that I wished were real more than the chains I dream of shattering.
You’ve made this game look so easy, you know?
All that had impressed me about you lately is how you’ve lured me into your arms,
Only to neglect me without warning when the sun was at its hottest.
Part of me does not wish to see you go because I tolerate the pain that your absence has left behind.
You scarcely have time on your hands, but would you care to join me for a cup of jasmine tea?
It won’t take long. What I want to know next is what else is new that you have yet to tell me?
“Who is he?”
I whisper to myself
as your eyes gaze off to the distance
and treat me with the unbearable silence
I’m a little too late, I guess,
I hear your eyes scream, they confess
It is him who holds your heart
The one you’d rather hold your hand
Under the city lights
In a cold November night
But my love for you is greater than his.
So do the honor and list down the things
you so liked about him
Watch me burn myself with a pile of leaves
and reborn as him
Just let me be your light, your candle tonight
I can be him, your lover, if you like
I’ll cut my wrist, drain the blood my ancestors
passed on to me
Replace it with the words he whispers
when I’m not around
Let his words flow down my veins so you may speak
and tell me all the things you never say to me
Slit my throat with the screen of the phone you use
To capture his face, his smile, the perfection, your muse
Because you never even once
took a picture of me
— or maybe my image is just
too hideous for you to keep?
What strength of lens does he use, you say?
I can smash mine down if it’s not the same
Use the shards to peel off my skin I so badly hate
Blessed is he to have the kind that keeps you sane
I’ll unclench my claws I’ve spent years to build
Pull them out and mold me his hands and feet
Let the blood spritz all over the room
Let them spell: HERE LIES A HOLY FOOL,
WHO SURRENDERED HIMSELF FOR LOVE —
BECAUSE HIS LOVE WAS NEVER ENOUGH.
Tell my mother I died a sweetest death
And I’ll be waiting in line in the Day of Resurrect
Pour out the gasoline all over my corpse for the final touch
Say a short Ignatian prayer before you strike the match
Watch my skin; watch my veins turn to ash, turn to dust,
as I’m enveloped and swallowed by flames
‘Cause I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of asking,
“Who is Carl, baby? I’m James.”
From now on, call me Carl.
Liar, cheater, whore, bitch
You call me a cheater but you can never see
The hurt and pain you caused me
I was silently pleading for your attention
A little more of embrace, warm affection
But you blatantly ignored me
As if I was a ghost; I didn't exist
Is it my fault, though?
The truth is plain to see: You forgot to love me
I couldn't take it anymore seemingly trapped in a web
The endless karmic cycle of unhappiness and misery which I weaved
Until I saw a shimmering light
A flicker of happiness which blinded my sight
I saw hope and brightness in the arms of another
A love that was much more pure and real than you've ever shown me
I then knew what was missed in my life
I've found new love and they treat me better and gave me more love than you ever would or even could
Yes, I lied....
Yes, I cheated....
But in the end, I'm not the one to blame
Silent now at night
Watching the stars shine so bright
In my lover's arms
Verse 1:
I won't spend another night alone.
If it's not you no one else can do.
'Cause we belong together,
You're my shooting star.
Chorus:
All this time, I spent with you:
These memories will never die out.
'Cause I know you by heart,
Wherever you will go, I'll follow you.
Verse 2:
Now, the time has come for me
To put myself into your hands.
'Cause you gotta know: We belong to each other.
Our hearts are continuously set in the afterglow.
Bridge:
If you and me, if there's a possibility
Of beconing one with you,
Let loose and come unto me tonight.
Fall apart or hold on tight.
Last-Chorus:
Every time the phone rings,
I expect it to be you.
I spend each daily liviing like this.
Won't you take me home tonight?
Verse 1:
The light flickers on and on.
Memories of you are still
Here with me.
Where are you now?
Chorus:
I trusted you.
I loved you.
I gave you all of me
Yet you threw it all away.
Verse 2:
Are you doing what makes you happy?
Who are you with?
What dreams are you dreaming
Even now, I am still here.
Bridge:
I still believe that we will see each other again.
I should have held your hand when you were still mine.
I'll stand by you
Until the day I die.
Last-Chorus:
'Cause I still love you,
I can't help missing you.
Now that you're gone,
It's you I want, all of you.