my life

Me on Who I am and the Fear of a Commitment (Short Essay)

Short Essays

As I watch “Spider Man – Far From Home” – I think to myself how Spider Man is just your “neighborhood spider man” as Peter Parker states and he seems to not wanting to be a popular guy like Tony Stark was….


Then I got myself thinking… as I was people on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, etc... (just to name a few social media outlets) … I see constantly several people to become “Insert Social Media Outlet” Famous.


As a kid, yea, I wanted to be well known, popular, named for something that I may have done.  But each time, my anxiety hits me as I grow older.  And now that I am in my 40s, I continue seeing this.  People say I am good at ____, while says I am a strange/weird/creep guy (or something else along those lines).


Which then leads me to more anxiety and/or depression.  Sometimes it makes me wonder if I really want to be “TikTok” Famous (and on YouTube as well), have a TikTok Crush/Wife/Husband or something… because I constantly see always people that have TONS of time into making videos and make me wonder where they fit all this into.  Where as me with two jobs…  I am just a ‘plain joe’ (if that is what you want to call it) with no extra time, money, or specialty into making some of these awesome videos people create.


I do have friends who are indeed “TikTok Famous” and they are awesome people, but what gets me upset is that they are mostly women… Men these days is what ruins a good “romance” for people.  Most are perverted desperate beings who enjoy simply sending women D* Pictures… do they even think before acting thinking that the women will enjoy it or are, they just horny individuals who just want all women no matter their race?  These type of men (and some women too) are what disgust me about the human race when it comes to Human Interacting/Social Lives (excluding Religion, Politics, and the Environment because those are a whole different world in my book).


Have people lost track on how to become courtesy any more to one another?  When it comes to driving (turn signals), giving ladies the pass first (even if I have been called “sexist”… uh????), being patient to one another, saying “thank you, you are welcome”, “sir, ma’am, miss, buddy, folks, ladies because people clearly do not know how to formally present them selves to people the old fashion way (which I cringe each time people say, “Hey Guys” or “Ya’ll” (sorry Texan Friends).. I just do not think that is proper English.


But that is all getting away from the main point here…

My point here is that simply and I just am a “simple joe” and nothing else… I really do not want to get big famous, or any kind of famous; I just want to be known for something that I am good at instead of being called weird names, negativity on me, etc (because as an adult, I know I have become a victim of it where people have talked to me behind my back… they may think I just “brush” it off, but what they do not think of is what lays within me and how much it shatters me.  Even if I try to hide it from every one.


Getting off topic again about life…. What eats me up all the time is all the crushes I got on people and yet I cannot tell any of them  (some know who they are, other do not know, while others I am unsure about, but unknown if I want them to know or not... some are in Mexico, others are in New Jersey, Texas, or even not only in other States of the USA, but also in other countries as well... and also different ages from mid-20s to mid-40s) that I like them because I feel that will ruin my friendship and be placed in the “Friendzone”… That is the sucky part of life (I understand).  But for someone to stop talking to me because I entered that “Friendzone” makes me wonder if they were really ever a good friend to me or not.  Because I know as of lately, I have pushed some of them away a little over the course of years, months, and even weeks… so I am also part of that guilt too.  So makes me to differ, were they really worth telling these people or was it really not to and to keep it as a secret instead.  Some of these are all part of the Mysteries of Life!  Sometimes I want to go with my gut feeling and accept denial.  But other times I really do not want to and just accept the answers to life knowing that I already know the answer as well, even if I do not know the answer unless asked.  But at the same time makes me rather be placed in the “Friendzone” and then be forgotten as I have been so many times. And I move on with my life to a better me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Since I am entering my 40s, I ponder more about Life these days as I continue my single Life... Sometimes I want to be with someone to die old with, but sometimes I am afraid of commitment and living the single life...   Which is why my latest poem and this short essay reflect on my well being of myself.  And trying to keep myself as healthy as possible too.

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what i want!

what is it to you?

i will do what i want, when i want, because i want to....

plain and simple.

maybe one day you will approve but if you don't it's ok...

im not holding my breath.



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Inner self

Im short
9 days short
Pearnts come home
They Ague On why
on why im short
I Dont know why
My father turns to my mother
asks her have u taken them
She stands there in a shocked gaze on her face
a worrying look tells it all Tells it all
I realise why im short all the time now
I need them to do my everyday life habbits
I realie on them for school
I realie on them For Controlling myself
For every single thing i do
I need them
with out them im lost
lost in pitch black darkness
Last time I was stupid
it cost me friends
it cost me my Job
that right my job
My only sorce of money
I Did somthing stupid i didnt have them at all
4 weeks with out them Cost me soo much
mentally and physically
I gained weight
I suffered the depression
I suffered losing wat mattered to me
If only she didnt take them
I would still have a job
I wouldnt of done what i had done

Author's Notes/Comments: 

My medication for adhd and ODD

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Take a gun,
Stay a while.
Close your eyes,
Laugh and cry
Live than die
Play the game
Feel the pain
End your life
Take a gun
Or use a knife
Its slower
It can make you feel alive
Cut and bleed
Shoot then leave
Leave this so called life
Leave all the sadness
Leave all this strife
Leave everything you know
If this is what you wish to do
Take a gun
Stay a while
Play the game
Its all worth wild
No more tears
No more pain
All you have to do
Is play this simple game
To end everything
Take one last breath
And count to ten
Take the gun,
Put it to your head.
Pull the trigger,
Then You're dead.

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A change for the worse

A Change for the worse

I used to think Everyone was changing around me for the worse
But In the end it was me who changed
I used to like being around people , Loved hanging out with people .
With not a worry in the world
All happyness soon fell
Into the dark holes of depression
sunny days soon turned to rain
The blue skys turn grey
But how could I let it slip out of my reach
If I could smile again
If I could see the sunny skys that I long forgot
I wouldn't take it for granted
I would hold each day with a burning pasion
Now Sit in this old house playing hide n seek with my shadows
I long forgot what sunny skys used to be
I forgot
To hold on
I'm paying the price
being locked away
In a house full of hate
Locked in a room full of depression
Strapped in a chair of saddness ..

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This Love

I promise upon the brightest star
This love is to ever last
Forever I will hold you in my arms
Till we walk our eternal path

I wish to never let go of you
My reason to wake up every morning
Sole purpose that makes this life worth
To see you my love, smiling

Just look in to my eyes
Together we will stop this space and time
Lets lose ourselves in this moment
Serenity of life we will find

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I found the love of my life.. You are my everything. I love you..... <3

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My Life


Life, or to be specific, my life
I live great, I never need a knife
But there are those days
You want in many ways
For you to get it right
All before night
Now as you know
The good days, they slow
They continue on as the bad days grow
As the good days blow
Away from the light
And into the night
Life for me
In a century
Will be no good
From what they could
And until I weep
And go into internal sleep
I am nothing to see
I am nothing to be

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look forward-i have to but i can't

want to look forward but i can't

don't want to look forward but i have to

this is our life that

what we want we don't get

but what we don't want we get

my time start now

but when did the orginal time started

i don't know

i take too much time

i get it now

everyone talk about

everyone think about

and ready to shed their tears

because everyone knows that

the time is near

of what we don't want to do

but  we have to do it

don't know when this situation go away from us

when we get exactly parallel and opposite

to this thing

when we get want we want

and let go our hand from

what we don't want

but this is a life that

want to look forward but i can't

don't want to look forward but i have to

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so aware of my

how they will
affect my

Still I find
solace in

(c) copyright heather burns

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