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Middle School

Like many people with depression, I had decided that I was fine and better. I didn’t need anymore medication. Then on this roller coaster ride of depression, comes the yay I’m better for awhile; then comes the crashing blow; you aren’t better you just went and fucked yourself up big time. And that’s what happened. Without meds for a bit plays with my head. It lets in some shady fuckers. And when they come to play, I will tell you it’s a fight to see who will win. 

This is an extended version of SinisterPotatoes (Jack) original poem Suicide isn't a Thank You. See it here: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/SinisterPotatoe/1972625/
Hope you like it! (especially you sir, SinisterPotatoe (Jack))

Just added a little tang to it...that's all - SachikoMochiko

How I can improve: Quote from JayG

• “Jack!” my heart falls into a deep, dark, cold abyss as saltwater crystals rush like a waterfall down my cheeks. He ended it. Officers held me back, refraining me from attending his bloody body…his soul has left. 

This has emotional impact when you read it because you know who "Jack" is. You know who's speaking, who's bloody, and what they are to each other. You know where they are in time and space, and what's going on.

In short, you supply the emotion content as you read, because the words act as pointers to images, information, memories and more, all stored in your mind.

But the reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on the words they've read to any given point. So for them, your words act as pointers to images, information, memories and more, all stored in YOUR mind.

You either need to point to triggers in the reader's mind, or include them in the narrative.

Because of that missing context, when you reach the poem section, it's someone we know nothing about lamenting a situation that's unknown.

The voice "telling" this to the reader knows what's going on because they have context. You know for the same reason. The writer of the poem—that bloody unknown who's quoted knows. Even the officers holding this person of unknown age, gender, and situation back know. But you wrote this for the reader.Shouldn't they know, too? How can it hold emotional content for that reader if they don't view the events as you do?

In writing, context isn't just important, it's the key to reader involvement, and the reason that we need to edit from the reader's seat, not based on our intent. When we release our words, our intent, and everything about us becomes irrelevant. It's our words and how we place them, and what they suggest to-the-reader, based on their background, not ours.

Sorry my news isn't better. 

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

i knew a man.. in his 60's.. pays all his pension on his rent, coz the lanlord wouldn't sign the forms for housing benefit... very nice bloke, the pensioner, i mean ;-)..but... aafter paying his rent, to a scumbag landlord, hee had to live on tea and biscuits, and whatever meals his sister could bring round...

though we telephone on birthdays (they are special occassions, after all), my sisster and i have had nothing to do with each other, since the children's home closed

10, 20 years from now...

i will be that old man, living on tea and biscuits....

and i'd really like to change that future

please help, any suggestions.... please

More will be added later on...

yes, i have 'mommy' issues, don't we all, luckily I don't have anything to do with mine - i am the one eyed man in the land of the blind, honest, loook at this face, would it lie to you?

i'd very much like to be a different shade of grey please