Pain
From drunken ashes….
From drunken ashes….
By jfarrell
You’ve seen the harry potter scene…
The phoenix burns to ashes…
Then reappears two minutes later…
Egg, to little bird thing, to renewed phoenix
I was a drunk…. august, this year, I was still a drunk…
I AM a drunk… and proud of it….
My dad drunk and beat up his family…
I drank, went to sleep, wake up, drink…
Rinse and repeat…
Today…
3 women kissed me on both cheeks….
Everyone I work with patting me on the back,
Shaking my hand….
“Thanks, Jim”
Most I felt valued, alive,
…... like, ever…
And I haven’t got a scooby doo why.
….. not that it isn’t all nice…
Since I returned to work,
I faced a lot of my worst fears….
Heights - serving champange 25th floor of building…
London at night, all lights, forever…
Never seen London look so beautiful…
Crowds - being stuck on Olympic Way….
From station to work takes 5 minutes…
After work….
Hugging the wall, and kissing, very lovingly, every lampost….
THERE’S NO WAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After work….
50, 000 people and a little extra…
All headed for the same station….
…. trust me, I really love those lamposts….
An anchor…
In this OCEAN of people….
Anchor…
What word could be more appropriate?
SPACE….
To roll a smoke, to dance a jig….
To plug in my headphones and LEAVE EARTH>>>>>
A space, chance, to breathe
And…
So many beautiful women, everywhere…
20 years, locked in my flat, alone, celibate….
There IS a very good reason I chose that.
I’m too scared to be a phoenix.
I’ve seen my future,
Alone,
Forever and ever.
Please don’t drag me from my ashes;
Let me smoulder…. burn…
“a taste of honey is worse than none at all” - great song…
I don’t want no part.
Fears - LOVE - vulnerable, pain, hurt, heartbreak….
I don’t want no part, too scared to…
Let me lie in my ashes
And never rises again
please
Last chat with mum; aged 24 (me, aged 24)
Last chat with mum; aged 24 (me, aged 24)
By jfarrell
“now he’s dead, I gotta ask….
“was he my dad? Truly???”
…. “yes”
This is my mum responding….
Her and the ‘truth’….
If she told me water’s wet and leafs are green…
I’d have to check….
….my mum truly believed her lies…
Really…
…
She didn’t get kicked out of the milkman’s house…
1 am in the morning
And walked home naked with her 7 year old daughter screaming at her
What a w……. she was…
No….
My ‘dad’ was flirting with the barmaid again…
….
I was there; I know what happened…
But,
She really, truly believes her lies.
“was he my dad?”
“yes”
….
Deep breath…
Disappointment, anger, relief?
Who knows?
But….
What I asked next was really, REALLY stupid!
A very bad idea…
But
How could I know?
“Ok… ish… he’s my dad…”
Long silence, couple of minutes?… less?… more?…
“what happened back ‘then’? when I was 5? 6?
When uncle brian raped me?
….….
….. we haven’t spoken in nearly 10 years… what you all did hurt….
What happened?”
“your dad told me you’d raped your cousin”
…...
“i was 5…?… 6…?….
…. I wasn’t even physically capable…. 5…6…”
“that’s what your dad told me.”
A couple of deep breaths, from me…
Several seconds…. a minute or two…
Felt like f…. centuries….
….”and I believed him.”
NOT an added aside, an intentional thrust with a stiletto…
Not an attempt to move in for the kill…
On an already injured, badly bleeding target…
No….
She was just being honest.
….OK…
“nan, uncle peter…. di…..”
“well of course I told them about it!”
…..
At least I had the sense to shut up then and not ask if that’s..
What she told her friends…
…..
Haven’t seen or spoken or had anything to do with my ‘mum’
Since that day…
Over 25 years ago…
I will be 50 in a couple of weeks…
My anger, bitterness, hurt….
…..that little mother to son chat….
Is killing me
Poisoning me, like a virus …..
That hate, anger….
Wanting to hurt back…
….
Maybe my mum had mental health problems….
I don’t know….
But..
To so totally, absolutely believe… agree…
At 5… 6… years old…
“your son raped his cousin”….
I don’t totally believe that’s the WHOLE truth…
I will happily call my scumbag ‘dad’ a lot of names…
But.. ‘Liar’ isn’t one that would be honest….
….
…”and I believed him.”….
I don’t know….
Have spent all my pointless life trying to imagine….
WHAT I DID….
That was so bad…
That…
At the age of 5 or 6….
… my mum hated me SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much,
“and I believed him.”
Maybe she’s right ;-)
After all,
Who knows a man better than his mother?
I wish I could forgive and forget…
I wish I could be a son….
I wish I had a mother….
…..
And,
I so wish I wasn’t me…
But…
These are the hands we are dealt.
Sadly….
I fear my bitterness, anger….
Absolute f…… rage…
…after I die….
My hate will continue.
….
Other than my mum, who can rot in hell…
PEACE AND LOVE TO ALL YOU LOVELY WONDERFUL READERS!
Loneliness
Loneliness is being in the room with your love,
And realizing that there is no love in the room.
Loneliness is having a nightmare in bed,
And rolling over to realize that the dream was warmer than real life.
When I needed you
You weren't there
When I had to trust you
You broke my trust
When I held you up
You knocked me down
When I gave you everything
You took it all away
Loneliness is wanting to be understood,
But realizing that no-one else
Has the time or patience to discover
Who you really are
At The End Of My Rope
Stuck in this place
Full of empty space
Where the deafening silence
Awaits a verbal embrace
Just one utterance of hope
To be given the strength to cope
And I will unwind the noose
From the end of my rope
Just one ray of light
To regain my sight
To be able to be set free
From all of the anger and fright
Unable to bear
This mask of shame I now wear
To keep living this lie
That anyone will even care
But now it’s too late
My feet now fully off the crate
And my body is now free
From my minds loathing and self hate
Tell Me a Story
Tell me a story
I've never heard before
Of faraway lands
And long-distant shores
Of knights and their honor
Of sweet maidens fair
Exercise your eloquence
To transport me there
Tell me a story
Of love won and lost
Of heroes unwavering
No matter the cost
Sing me a lullaby
Of joy and regret
And maybe, just maybe
I'll learn to forget
Seirenes
Love Never Goes Away
I think about you every day,
these memories never seem
to go away,
I know its you who I love the most,
I'm going to have to live with these
feelings for the rest of my life
Always worrying about what happened
to you; if I caused you to suffer.
Wondering if you ever think about me in
the way I think about you
I hope you live a good life,
I wish I could tell you that I love you
but I'll never get to see you again anyways
I wrote this poem, only for you and no one else,
because your the only one that I love deep down
I've had dreams about you that we meet again,
when I see people that look like you, I immediately think of you,
it causes me much pain.
These feelings are never going away,
always in my heart will you remain
Life is not fair
and often denies you what you want most
You are always reminded of your failures
you can never escape your past
Love will imprison you for life,
but I would not have it any other way.
"Only You Know Why"
T.R.O.Y. (The Ruins Of You)
I stand in the ruins of you
carrying the casket
of the memories of us
Once,
a cradle of holy affection and love.
Here lie the shattered 8 months
of unison prayers,
jeepney banters,
subtle, orgasmic whispers,
the euphoria of meeting your mother,
and the dreams we built
on midnight kisses and sacred moans.
•
The pen you gave me
still holds
its allegiance to you
refusing to spill its ink
thriving on its own will
I grapple it by its neck
and watch it slowly faint.
•
Lonely hearts from the start,
we relished the thought of a lasting love.
Two candles burn
when two lovers pray.
On our very first date,
I cursed on how you made me wait.
On our very last day,
I prayed that He would make you stay.
People say first impressions last
But you had me only at second glance.
•
Sober fools in a clandestine night
we laughed and walked for hours and miles
You, holding my bag
Me, holding your hand.
This was before his ghost haunted you
again
alive and well.
This was before in between hours,
you’d forget my whispers
and long for his.
This was before your friend
called me to say,
“Just let him go. Love is not supposed
to work this way.”
•
The dark clouds came
and never left.
•
I stand in the ruins of you,
claws clutching to the ground,
eyes beaten and tired,
feet still shackled
with the ropes you gave me last June
and every inch of them is an untold story
and each story is a blow to my head.
Love is but a slowly unfolding agony.
Knot
after
knot,
I untangle these shackles I tied myself to.
Knot
after
knot,
I begin to remember
the life I built around you and me,
the dreamy kisses,
the day I met your friends and family,
the night I got so drunk
you had to forget our fight
to come and get me,
the night you got so drunk
you had to forget our fight
to say you still love me.
But the high wasn’t worth the agony
of knowing that at my lowest point,
confined in a hospital,
covered with punctures,
you successfully abandoned me;
of carrying a bleeding heart every day
and hoping it won't leak;
of feeling the sands of time slip
away from your grasp,
along with all your hope and chance;
of finally choosing to live through hell
hoping that your lover would remember
the warmth of an earthly heaven
you built for yourselves and once lived in.
of knowing that the memory of us
would later turn to dust
and I am to collect them
with bare hands.
Knot
after
knot,
The walls of this temple begin to shatter
I am no longer your prisoner.
I stand in the ruins of you,
claws clutching
on crumpled bed sheets,
rubbles of your promises,
residues of your gifts,
pictures torn to pieces,
my handwritten notes
a hundred poems,
a thousand letters
and the ashes of our bodies.
I spread my wings
and begin to rise
and look up for the clouds
The dark clouds that came
never left.
But I am.
•••