Scattered Thoughts (I Struggle to Understand)

I Struggle to Understand


A mistaken event, but possibly the truth;

Which suspends the future in the unknown.

The transpiration results in alteration,

Of the one known path to be followed.


One cannot take back the so-called sins.

But remorse is not easily found in the heart, nor the soul.

Not even the mind can comprehend,

What lay in store for the confused.


A faithful night the words formed,

To possibly bring some solace, some freedom.

Yet there seems to be a pit of darkness,

That there seems to be no escape.


It is not to say that life is dangerous,

But to remark that mistakes are made.

For the person who decides fate

Is the one least likely to know.


What can be conveyed by physical means

Cannot be enough to spare life plans.

Previous visions dashed on a simple event,

One which causes the previous confusion.


What is regret and what is hate?

What is the thing so sought after?

An unspoiled poise so nearly attained

That shatters like so?


I do not speak mysteriously for a purpose,

Other than to maybe free myself.

But I know this must be lived with,

Regardless of my hopeful fears.


I cannot fathom what is beyond,

That is beyond the present.

I only see what lay ahead,

A road now rocky with misperception.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

To those who stumble across this: I ask only for prayers. I am not a relgious person and I am not a believer. Hope is what I need. I cannot ask for something that I cannot convince myself of its existance. I suppose I'm not sure of my needs. Is it advice? Hope? Prayer? I cannot understand; I struggle. I say please: for what, I do not know. Just please.
~~Thank You 

Silent Orchestra

It starts with-

Two wounded hearts.

Seperated between valleys.

During a a major storm-

Bodies were torn.


You have no buttons to push-

I built my bridges-

Now all my work is gone.

Threw away my wings and,

Polluted your mind.


Inside my head-

I am the one to blame.

Symphonies lullabied-

Your music played in vain.

Darling, your long-

Desires tinkered with wishes.

Do i say things clearly-

Or am I the one thats missing?

But you-


Stole my soul.

I'm empty handed.

Oh, Simon says-

Let things go!


Inside my head,

Silent orchestras play.

Pig Mask Dream - 9/20/2012

I had this Dream about a Year ago and I forgot to post it on here so here it is.... I must say this dream was unbelievably creepy. My cousin, who is going to college for producing films, wanted to use this dream for one of his short films, lol. It's an interesting dream to say the least... Anyway, here it goes:


Pig Mask Dream 9/20/2012 

I was in this trailer with this kid and my in-laws and Jeff (My Husband). There were huge fish tanks everywhere with bizzar looking fish in them. I was wanting to take the fish tanks home and as I was walking to the door there was a panic.


The little kid started screaming. And one of my in-law's said "Someone is at the door". I was spooked. The door had a window with a light colored curtian covering it and I could see the shilloette of a man through it. I freaked and we all ran to the back room.


We heard banging from outside the trailer. We kept going from room to room. This trailer seemed to be growing rooms! Then the banging stopped and I told the kid it hide by the side of the bed of the room we were in. I walked out into the hallway and looked out the window, and there were these men in pig masks looking through the windows and they started banging on the windows and trailer again.


I ran to make sure the door was locked and make sure no one had got inside. Then I looked out the window and saw a riot going on. People were swinggin chains, carrying weapons and shooting guns, and running in the street around the trailer!


I ran back to the room that the kid was in and it was just me and the kid there. I looked into the next room and there was this girl in her underwear hunched down in the dark room and her hair was long and black and it covered her and part of the floor. She was breathing very heavily.


I was so afraid to go into the room so I slwoly backed away and when I turned around the kid I was with had changed. He had black as cole eyes and huge bags and was completely pail and he just stared at me. Then I woke up. 


Cherries in the Snow

Breezes of ice- chilled wind -
Clenched enamel; Contrasted-
Boiling blood.
Steam oozes through pores-

A mild debate.
bond-less, loveless.
Mentally detached.
Spiritually disconnected.

Soul-less stares.
Hardened glances-
Hatred brews-upon the dew.
Danger looms-this ends soon.

Darken pupils-
Complemented the ominous platinum surroundings.
Blackened oak branches mirror their veins-
filled with burgundy DNA.

Snow- pure.
Crunches with foot steps-
led with corrupt minds.
Waiting to unleash.
Angelic crystals spread over the ground.
Cold and bare.
Cradles two feens. 
Heathens in nature-
disobeying their spiritual agenda. 

Cheek to cheek-
Consuming each others breath-
Glands function--profusely.

chords sing to the heavens.
Kinship useless-
undesired and nonexistent.

Remain unresolved.
They exhaust every solution. 
Screams transform into the physical.
Threats transform into promises
Shoves and stumbles-
disrupt the gentle blessings the Earth bear.
Radiant- geometric icicles become witnesses to the main event-

Harden blows-harder than thunder blows.
His face.
Their likely features-
sharp jawlines.
dimpled chins.
eyes of a storm wrecked sea-
becomes merely a coincidence.
The mouths that once shared mother's milk-
Warm. Salty.

flies from his pocket.
Black; deadly.
Cold revolver-
Speckled in the sea of this white heaven.
A frigid barrel- cocked.

A stare of disbelief-
A C R O S S-
A stare of emotionless- and sinister enjoyment.
What to do now?
The ending of life is...unavoidable-swift and non negotiable.
Neglected and wasted.
deadly pellets impale his soft flesh.
by the skin of a brother.
Five shots fired.
No echo- No rescue.

Numb as the bullets sprout
Kin-less blood 
Red- Burgundy
Deep droplets.
The smell of iron-
Parades the air. 
Death looms over-
A bearer- bounded and locked.
A reminder of hell.

A dispute. 
Resolved. Ended.
Muted by an instrument so loud.
Nothing left but- a story.
A beautiful setting.
Pearl-white snow.
Pitied upon.
permanently by the cherries...
in the snow. 

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No longer safe

There was a time we played outside half the night
Til evil filled our lives with worry and fright
The laughter and peace is replaced with anger and grief
No longer do we feel safe anymore
for danger and hatred is behind every door
Their joy comes from filling our days with fear
By threatening the lives of those we hold dear
Times have changed for the worse I see
Please Lord protect my baby and bring him home safely to me

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they are dangerous, woman.

Go run away and hide in the brim of shores in darkest last galaxies. Haunted by crawling being of the lost, and run by children of born not of light, were pain en peace has no meaning all there is, is all that can be that has been, that could be. Many then hopefully you'll be safe.

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I know you can feel it,
My face is blood red,
Of what's to come I'll forget who I am.
You should have never crossed the line,
Respect is golden,
But now your mine.
Your spirit will be crushed with your tattered remains,
Just remember it wasn't me but the monster you made.
A flash,
I won't even remember what happened,
The demon returns while my emotions burn.
I try my best to not let this occur,
But it happens at times you've ruined what's pure.
So a warning is necessary,
Saving you from what may come,
If being humble means nothing to you,
Then the battle has already begun.

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A lifetime of joy

A stark raving madman has strapped a bomb to a nine year old boy's chest.
The boy is still in danger even though the man has been placed under arrest.
I'm very nervous even though I work for the bomb squad.
If I fail to deactivate it, the boy and I will both meet God.

If the bomb detonates, he will die before being able to have a life.
He'll never be able to shave, drive a car or take a wife.
Only a monster could do something like this.
I have to be calm even though I'm pissed.

I only have thirty seconds left, this situation is extremely dire.
Luckily I just deactivated the bomb by cutting the correct wire.
People are patting me on my back because I saved the boy.
Just knowing that I saved him will bring me a lifetime of joy.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a fictional poem.

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My Work

I am not buried;
why then, can’t I breathe?
Oxygen is brutal,
sun reeks of fear.
Crosses have been carried;
ascended, yet I grieve.
Struggling is futile,
for signs of danger, clear.
Saline is not solitaire;
storm; a different rain.
Clouds, becoming purest air;
how could this be pain?
Conscience has been dealt with;
daydreams haunt the night.
Senses I have felt with,
fail me in this light.
Is the direction?
How much do I take?
Is this my defection,
or reality to make?
With no castled walls to scale,
no fire forbidden.
No dragons disguised in armored mail,
or virgins to stay hidden.
Can’t be war; I see no blood;
where then is the glory?
I will kill and I will love,
as I claim my territory.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

A phase in my life...

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