How, And Why?


It's been a while since I've seen you, been a while since I've heard from you.
Your face is the one thing I can still see, and your voice is the one thing I can still hear.
Mentally, I saw you walking, but you passed me, and didn't notice I was there.
I tried to call out to you, but you didn't hear me.

Once, I thought I loved you, everyone else seemed to think I did too.
But all I felt went away very quickly, like I knew it would. 
When I met you, I was happy, we talked almost always, and it was great having someone to talk to.
You were there, when he wasn't. 

I appreciate and love you for that.

I've tried to picture what it would be like if I was with you, what it would be like if I was yours instead of his.
Would I be happier? Would I experience what I'm not right now?
So many questions, and so many answers which I haven't found. 
Everytime I am alone, I feel some sort of sadness, some sort of emptyness.

Not that it completely has to do with you or him, but I think more to do with the loneliness I've been living with.
Making myself believe things could be different every time I find someone new.
But, you know how it goes, and how its gone for me.
How to walk away from something seems easy, but sometimes, people struggle even when they know they have to let go.

Being with someone new is something I almost don't want to do again.
I don't want to tell anyone else stories of my past, and how I once was.
I don't want to do things and not keep it to myself.
I've always been a quiet and reserved girl, I've always been you could say, overly careful about who I allow to touch me.

Doing things with him, I grew comfortable with, and something I became okay with.
Doing things with you, I've questioned, and thought of, something I would've had to grow comfortable and okay with.
Could I ever do things with you, can I see myself doing things with you, and would I ever see and hear you again........but this time, for real?



I look at how other girls live their lives, and sometimes think of how they handle being physical. 
How do they allow themselves to give their all to one guy, and then another after some time has passed?
is there never any regret? Is there never any fear and doubt?
Where does the trust comfort and idea of being okay with it come from?
If things go wrong, how are they able to allow themselves to do it again, and with someone else who isn't meant to be their someone?

And off the topic I wonder, how was someone like you, able to seemingly fall for me?
I am a damaged broken record you see. 
What is there to possibly like about me, how can one like me, and why?
Even after trying to be with someone for 5 years, I still don't know why he chose me........but then there's you. 
Why did you pick me? why havent you given up? Why do you still wish to have me?
What is there, aside from the reason to do with my body, to like about a woman like me?


Between Silences

Between Silences


Last night you said you couldn't

Take it anymore.

Last night you said that

You wanted to die.

Last night I held you

In my arms.

Last night I watched

While you cried.

I went to sleep with you

On my mind.

I went to sleep with worries

Not far behind.

I went to sleep and dreampt

About us.

I went to sleep in hopes

You'd be fine.

Today I looked into your eyes

And felt relieved.

Today I hope it all goes better

Inside your head.

Today I want so badly

To hear you laugh.

Today I know exactly

The reason we are wed.

God made you for me

And I for you.

God had a plan figured out

The day we met.

God is always watching out

For you and I.

God wants us to be happy

Don't ever forget.


Brandy Noelle Souza

July 3rd, 2013

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Dedicated to my husband

View b.n.souza's Full Portfolio

Doubting Tomas

What is "doubt"? A portal to another dimension,
A glimpse of possibility, a window to centrifugal vacuity,
Where the soul reaches for it's destined acuity,
Blood splattered over our eyes creates the blindfold
We cherish, but behind this excecation,
We unknowingly perish, as the sun's relentless light
Attempts at our illumination,
While the symbols of the story take full control
By man's elation of power and glory.
A single life like many others, churning passion in vastness
Of time and space, leaving untold grace in coveted remains,
A fugitive of justice, the pages turn and we read of nothing but pain,
But Tomas, the one who doubted, protector of the dark,
He calls to us in humbleness, revealing a lone and ugly spark
Of inspiration, intrepidation guides this auric feild,
How will we uncover and bring these truths to light,
And at the same time, sheild
Those whose journey, yet blessed with awareness
Fumble in the night, desperately grappling,
The fantasia's wispy seduction lures their innocence
Into a selfish plight.

Just a man like any other, a brother,
Fugitive of justice in his day,
Trying to get his message to us,
Light years away.


It says, "The Kingdom of God is inside you and all around you,
Not in a mansion of wood and stone.
Split a piece of wood and God is there,
Lift a stone and you will find God."


11:43 AM 4/21/2013 ©




Author's Notes/Comments: 

A poem about the gospels of Saint Thomas