Betrayal

Knight in Tin Foil Armor

I can't trust a single one of you.
Calling yourselves "knights in shining armor";

Planning to play me for the fool.

Show me your charms, your wits;

Strength to boot.

Sweep me off my feet;

Literally.

 

But, I am no damsel in distress;

My friend.

I can see right through you;

Thin shards of tin foil, feather away.

There goes your ruse, your cheap display.

 

You aren't a knight at all.

Just a meek sheep, in wolves clothes.

You have been exposed;

How will the tin foil protect you against from the sting & pain of a real steel blade?
Only a real knight would know.
I have yet to meet one.
Of mice & men, I meet the mice.
& sure, they're nice.
But, what's "nice" do when you need someone to save you?

 

I save myself

& the men too.

& they wonder why I don't want to stay...

I'm not the damsel in distress;

I'm a strong woman, in a dress.

A pure heroine.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Truth.

once upon a time

there was a day when hours stretched as if they were from chewing gum
all trees were snowing
transforming us to elders way too soon
I knew that if I hold your hand I can't die
we danced as two silent kids.


you hold me into your arms. both became feathery
until we let the town behind us and we were higher than god
inside the darkness I felt your eyes burning me
and I wasn't afraid
you see. that's not so damn poetry.


poetry happens when you're inside a tram and with your forehead pressed to the window
you cry until a stranger's child shivers
poetry happens when you smoke secretly and your heart coughs from yearning
poetry happens when all men have someone else's lips
when phones lay closed for days
because nothing really matters anymore
poetry happens when I feel that I will decay
that in the bus station I'll become transparent and people will understand
poetry is happening right now as I wear black mourning our love
which was only born in a dream
from which I wake up just to fell a little more.

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4 am

I could've been the solace that cures and transforms

alcohol into holy water

but no.

as a doll I sang what you played to me

your words: lies dressed in tinfoil

I was ash, I slept with a fire on my back head

secretly, guns sized as pins

aim at my heart.

 

I walk on the streets swinging as always

when rain comes I lay on trees awaiting to become bark

when wind comes I'm Ana and I bring you food

(here, this small heart, scared as a poult, eat it)

make me a nice looking grave as garden, tell me

that now

this is how is born out of me the most beautiful poem

that you'll whisper it to your women and they shall cry.

 

I took myself in my arms, I was sunk

turning all the lights down I prayed that big pieces of coating fell from the sky

that wild horses run through my hair

so I won't know anything

about the nothingness you are

the nothingness I was

and about this love as drifting sand in which I bustle

although I know that this

 

only hurry the burial.

perfect family

You sat and stared.

I was a child, did you even care?

Seeing him cause me pain, Quiet you stayed.

Abandond is how I felt, not sure what to do with the cards I was delt.

You were tired and had enough, so you let me take the brunt.

You say you love me, if that is true your idea of love is severly skewed.

Perfect family we play, but the memories still remain of my treament from day to day, and how you had nothing to say.

 

 

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19 and Naïve

WARNING: This is a heavy piece of writing that deals with the topic of sexual assault through relaying a survivors experience of date rape. If you are offended or sensitive to this subject matter, then please refrain from reading this particular piece. 

 

To everyone else: I wanted this piece of writing to channel the various feelings, thoughts, and overall experience of what it's like to go through such a horrific experience. It's choppy, it's scattered, and it's devoid of warmth. It's as though you're watching these events occur, but you aren't really experiencing them. You're disconnected; dissociated. To the survivors of sexual assault, my heart goes out to you and I know your many pains. For me, writing about my experiences has provided more healing than any shrink or pills ever could. 

I'm always here to talk if anyone ever needs a listening ear, or sounding board. 

You're not alone.

 

-G.B

 

 

19 and naïve

Lonely

Desperate

 

She rides the 5E down the line

It's 11 PM

Past her bedtime

Work in the morning, she'll sleep in

 

One shot,

One night,

One boy who never paid her mind

 

Cold, it's the Dead of winter. She takes off a glove and fixes her hair

 

He's finally noticed her

She's coming at his midnight beckon

 

Houses with closed blinds fly past the window

Ever closer to her destination

 

her heart beats in rhythm to the bumping of tires over potholes

 

A man boards the bus,

waves a glove in her face

Crazy wide eyes and alcohol on his breath,

insanity pours out of a poisoned mouth

 

She sidles past and steps outside,

Cold air punches her lungs and leaves her gasping

 

She's walking

Walking

Walking

 

Towards the house in the middle of the street

 

The house he's waiting for her in

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting for his chance

 

Stopping at the porch, he welcomes her with open arms,

Tall and strong, enveloping her in a disconcerting embrace

 

They enter,

A staircase leads up

 

to a room

 

The room

 

The room with posters

And a laptop

And an inflatable mattress

 

'We're going to watch a movie'

 

It's not a question

 

We are

I am

 

I sit, but he wants to lay

His voice slithers wet and heavy in my ear

 

'You want it, but I'm not giving it to you'

 

My brain starts to ache

Confusion

Throat becomes sandpaper

I've forgotten how to breathe

 

I don't want it

 

Hands now roaming my body without permission 

Shallow compliments fall on me and explode in a queasy stomach

 

I'm going numb

His mouth on mine

This isn't how I imagined it

 

Fighting back against bile rising in my throat

 

When did I become naked

 

He tells me I want it

 

I still don't

 

What happened to the movie

I just wanted a movie

 

He's inside me

Everything hurts

His face is ugly

And I think I hate him

 

He tells me to shut up

 

I can't

 

A hand strikes me

 

Shocking

Stinging

 

'I told you to be quiet'

 

Strong hands now hug my throat

A violent embrace

I want to cough

I can't

 

Squeezing

Gripping

 

Spots dance before my eyes

 

Tears threaten to fall

Please don't betray me

Trying to maintain

 

I can't

 

 

He grabs my face

 

'Are you crying?'

 

There's amusement in his voice

It's a game to him

 

He soothes me

Wipes my tears

Before resuming

 

Mouth to my ear again

Hissing

Growling

 

'I love raping you

 

I love raping you

 

God it's good

 

Dirty whore

 

I know you love it'

 

I'm there for years

I think I flew away  for a few of them

 

Up

Up

Out of the room with the inflatable mattress

Out of my body

 

The body that rejected me

Made this happen

Nightmare

 

It's finally over

A lifetime has passed

I never knew a body could feel like this from the inside

 

I am dirty

Defiled

Hurting

Alone

Angry and

 

Betrayed

 

Now downstairs,  he pulls me on his lap

Another man is there and they casually chat

They're laughing

 

I'm sick

 

And I think he is too

 

Going home now

I'm back

I'm alive

(I think)

 

It's so cold

 

I work tomorrow

 

I'm going to sleep in

 

 

Quiet

I tried to scribble my confessions on a piece of loose leaf

Last night

But I couldn't help to feel its insignificance

It's muted nature

My soul barking into a muzzle

Like a dog in a kennel

About to be put down

Shocking how quiet our lives

Can be

Churning with silent force like a windmill

But no one ever sees the electricity in our struggle

I thought about calling you but that felt

Just the same

I put the book down and excused myself

For another cigarette

I saw flashes of darker days

Hollow gazing into that thunderous bay

All of their compliments became lies once again

Her playful glances become intrusive advances

Im paralyzed in a dream

Locked in insanity

ashes and dust

 

She had so very much to give-

And all anyone ever did was take.

-Her heart

-Her soul

-Her dreams

-Her trust.

 

Now all she has left

Are hopes.

Hopes

of her ashes

and hopes

Of her dust.

 

A Little girl Lost'

Folder: 
Just a thought!

Stained from life, she ponders words,She can't exist without them.

Chasing memories in her mind,

The ones she lived without him.

Seeking refuge in tainted thoughts,

Never realizing wanted dreams,

Tossing and turning, restless sleep,

Awakened again by pictured screams.

Time doesn't seem to heal all wounds,

It just predicates the cost..

Always tortured in my own mind...

I remain... "A little Girl Lost"

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"A Little Girl Lost"   ...."Written for those....well....you know who you are...

                                                                                                 ... or maybe, you don't!"...

The One Who

She is the one who betrays

She is the one who lies

She is the one who plays

Those silly games that wry

 

For she was apart of my tree

For she was at the table with me

For she was the strength

That gave me great length

 

Now she's gone

When she broke off

And went to the thorn

That was forn

           The Tree!

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