for how long did you
actually believe you
were pulling the wool
over their eyes?
pretending to be me,
the lies, the betrayal to me,
playing, pretending to
care. you are sick.
i pity you. please
do not ever speak to
me again.
5:43 AM 7/7/2013 ©
..................
Dear Internet at large,
My name is Sarah Anne, I turned seventeen three days ago, and I have cancer. That is the extent that you need to know about me. For almost all of my life, I have never had a boyfriend nor have I ever been in love. Four months before my birthday I believed I had finally found it. However, now I believe I may have just been subjecting myself to fantasies of grandeur. I just want to explain my story before all of this is over. I would appreciate it if you would listen but I have no control over your actions.
Seven months ago from this day exactly was the day I found out, that I had cancer I mean. I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday. My father cried his eyes out at the thought of losing me, he hadn't cried since my mother's funeral last year. I remember trying to explain to him that having cancer doesn't necessarily mean I will die, when the doctor halted my speech. He told me with a look of grave pity in his eyes, that in my case however it did.
Perhaps, dear reader, you could understand my frustration. I was only sixteen and found out that, inevitably, I was going to die. I listened vaguelly as the doctor told my father I had less than a year to live... 9 months if I were lucky. My head was clouded with angry thoughts. How could this happen to me? I've never done anything wrong. Had God turned his back on me? Surely, he hadn't.... right? What about everything I've never gotten to do? I've never been in love, I've never been in a relationship, I've never even kissed a boy. What about my friends? Would they miss me at all? Should I even tell them? As soon as I thought it, I knew that I wouldn't. I couldn't walk with them knowing deep inside their heads they pity me.
I was forced to spent the next month watching my father gaze at me with his eyes full of despair. I often snapped at him saying I'm not dead yet and he shouldn't look at me as if I were. He burst into tears after that and I immeadiately felt horrible.
I walked throughout the school looking at everyone. I saw all of these happy couples. I saw people talking about prom next year. I saw them sneaking kisses when they thought no one was looking. I saw all of this and yet all I felt was envy. I often wished someone else was in my place. I realize now that this was wrong. No one deserves the pain my body endured lately, not even my worse enemy.
I sat in class, staring blankly out of the window and the teacher thankfully ignored me. She knew what was going to happen to me... all of my teachers knew. Someone pulled up a chair next to me causing me to look over. I cut myself off from everyone... even my friends, no one sits next to me. But there he was, sexy in a nerdy kind of way with tousled hair and horn-rimmed glasses. He smiled warmly at me, ignoring the fact that I scowled back. His name was Daniel.
Long story short, Daniel followed me around constantly, insisting that I should give dating him a try. Five months ago was the day I reluctantly agreed. He took me many places always making sure I enjoyed myself. I was happy when I was with him and often forgot I was going to die. He just had that sort of affect on me. By the time a month had passed... I knew I was already hopelessly in love. I couldn't tell him that though, I hadn't even told him I had cancer, I convinced myself I would though. There aren't many things I can tell you about the time we were together. Though he was gorgeous he was extremely shy. It took a month and a half before he could even work up the nerve to kiss me.
On our anniversary, three months of dating and five months since the day I found out I was going to die, something amazing happened... we made love. It was the most glorious thing I could ever imagine doing with my body. Once we finished, I cried and didn't stop crying. I am sure this all confused Daniel, maybe even frightened him, all he did was hold me until my sobs ceased. He asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him... I didn't want to ruin this.
Two weeks ago, I finally worked up the courage to tell him. We walked through the neighborhood park and sat beneath the shade of a tree. The sun was out and blazing but I would have begun to sweat without it. I was afraid of how he would react to this but I couldn't hold it in any longer. So I told him, and he reacted exactly how I thought he would only ten times worse. He accused me of using him, making him fall in love with me when I knew I was going to die. I admitted as much because being around him made me happy and forget that I was going to die. He glared at me claiming I infected him. I told him this was stupid, cancer isn't contagious. This only made him angrier and he stormed away from me.
He told everyone at school, now I can't avoid their pitying looks. He doesn't speak to me or answer when I call, he won't even look at me. I feel like a monster deep inside my heart. What makes it worse is the pain is setting in. The doctor explained this may happen when my body is starting to give up and die. Can heartbreak fuel and early death? I'd like to think so....
Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to live in a world without love. I wanted to experience all I was missing and I did. Dating, kissing, sex, love, and eventually heartache. As you read this, I am dead.... I killed myself because the pain was too much, both physical and emotional. But please, Dear reader don't forget me. Remember my name was Sarah Anne.
And to Daniel:
Happy Anniversary
Thoughts drip from my mind as
globulous glassy fluids of emotion.
The curtains drawn,
the veil of love lifted and
bare truths litter the ground
at my feet.
Starry dreamlike flickers
each turned into glaring suns of acceptance;
the loss confounds me.
Amoebas shifting, pushing.
Meniscus pulls back each rush of liquid mess
my heart squeezes through new eyes
in its feeble attempt to fill the void
so glaringly obvious now
with something, anything.
All sense of knowing lost.
The fabric of my undestanding
torn from under me.
As I fall
Betrayal nudges the corners of realisation
but its too loud an echo to pay attention.
Not ready yet.
As the liquid marbles
load up and fire their last
passionate pleas for compassion
the reality knocks intently
I push to keep it out
A long and useless fight.
Ameobas of pain Take me over.
Senseless,
nothing left to try.
I brace;
waiting for the tears to run dry...
Those smiling eyes
Such a sweet deceive
They made me fall for you
Over again I must say
Gave you everything
Yet you could not wait
To go so far away
It is not the loneliness
That hurts me the most
It is not your warmth
I miss the most
But your sugar coated lies
When I think of it
Air still running in my veins
This was once a simple walk through the park
We were friends and nothing was difficult
But a twisted plot came to play
And now you are trying to play me in a game of chess
I only want to remain safe and out of a war
As I try to give you space you try to build an army
But what you fail to understand is that you have lost too much
Your reckless strategy has left you almost alone
You have sacrificed your pawns when things were good for you
But when things grew rough, they were all gone
You've alienated your rooks and a knight
Who then came to my side
Your bishops were taken as well
Your queen even fell before your senseless plays
Now you stand as the king, with only your knight to guard you
While I stand here with not a single piece taken
You are bragging now and deluding yourself into thinking you can win
While I try to walk away and leave you alone
You still try to push it, and you try to take my pieces
But I see your moves, I protect my own pieces
As you and your knight attack them
You are gaining nothing, but still trying
Girl, can't you see you are playing with fire here?
You are simply playing in a game you can't win
I am trying to let you walk away
But as you taunt and attack
You make it so much harder to keep stalling
Why don't you understand
I could crush you if I decided to play
This game you are making us all play
All it can do is hurt you and make you fall
All that can happen is I will grow in strength
Please, back up and look at the board
See your only two pieces and understand
I don't want to hurt you, I want to let you go
I want to stand aside and let you leave
I want to help you, protect you
But you are trying so hard to play this game
When you are playing someone much better
I've been playing this game all my life
You can't win, please stop
You are going to play though
Attacking at those I have
I my pieces where they need to be
You are trapped now
Your knight cut off
I am asking you now to stop
To surrender and end this war
To stop me from finishing the game you started
It's your choice now
You can surrender before I call it
Checkmate
u weaken Me as u can c
there doesn't seem 2 b much left
what u've done 2 Me is break Me down, tore Me apart and left a heaping Mess
I couldn't guess I wouldn't guess in a million years
that I had so damn many Tears and undiscovered Fears
y would u do this 2 Me I was just yer Friend
I was there 4 u always 2 the bitter End
the whole Time u just pretended and couldn't stand
when I would stand up and be a Man
u just didn't like that plan
now I just kick a can
I should of ran
u got Me where u want Me by My head in the sand
the colors in there have bleed out and become quite bland
u became so predictable, I feel like I went to school
just to be a better fool, to be yer perfect Tool
u made Me who I am
she talks about passwords
she loves to discuss dog turds
how she gets all perturbed
with how she used words
honestly she could care less
her close relationships are a mess
lies with no distress
claims to be a healer
master bullshit dealer
sits high upon her pillar
sold her dad for a dollar
on her mom puts a collar
the truth is never hollered
she knows she is a coward
hurting men is her game
she knows who to blame
to her it's all the same
could be next on her list
or a just a finger on her fist
words and mind she will twist
happiness will be missed
"I'll take that and that too."
like it's all that she can do
I am the latest prisoner
so I better listen to her
do what I am told
or I will be scold
but I am too old
how much longer can I hold?
she chases down
and finds the clown
and makes him frown
her mind is broken
a crack token
don't buy what she's smokin
she's knows and is lookin
for her next victim
to blame
for the pain
She sits there waiting
On the cold, winter night
Watching out the frost covered window
Wondering when he will return
Or if he ever will
Thoughts bring tears to her eyes
Feeling invisible
Her body numb, still distressed
The only sound was her breaking heart
Closing her tear-stained eyes
Memories flood her clouded mind
The warmth of his arms
The sweet soothing sound of his husky voice
Oh, how she wished he would return
To her loving arms
What did she do wrong, what did she say?
Never ending questions, but no answers
She was sure her soul was slowly dying
Without his love, what is life worth?
Listening the winter wind slam against the frosted glass
She just didn’t know what to do anymore
Gathering the strength she barely had left,
She banished the memories of him
Removing the thoughts and memories
Finally realizing there is no one left to love.
She was alone in this realm
Her heart, now tangled in thorns of agony
Her body, now an empty morsel
Love, once again, betrayed her
My Sun Setting Secret
In a land inhabited by ponies
Lived two sisters who rules side by side
Now children I am no phony
When you hear their thoughts on the inside
One sister, who rose the sun
Was the elder of the two
Admiration of others she had won
Loved by most feared by few
The younger controlled the moon
Didn't feel the same love
An awful spirit would control her soon
a presence of hate from above
But Luna, the pony of the night
noticed all the ponies who shun the moon
She tried to ignore, with all her might
The envy of the time of noon
Celestia, the pony of day
Realized that she wanted more
She didn't want her sister to stay
Luna's presence made her heart sore
On one lonely day
Celestia made a vow
Her sister had to go away
One question remained. How?
Try With all her might
Of hate and despair
A dark presence in clear sight
Gave Luna an evil stare
Consumed by the darkness
Made by her sister
Fuel by loneliness
Put the land in danger
To the rescue came the princess
Of the sun to save the day
From one who did not possess
Hatred in any way
Banished to the stars
For a thousand years time
Locked behind invisible bars
Betrayal in this tale of mine
Luna without a home
Celestia became very fond
That they both were all alone
Loves broken bond