discovery

I'm Not Crying

Your single mother and cousins applauded you because they had faith I was the one.

It felt amazing to be this close to a family that I never met in the flesh.

Seeing them in the form of a discarded diary should have sounded an alarm in my head.

Your voice was so solemn and so soothing that it was like tasting a honeysuckle lollipop.

It was the best flavor I’ve ever had until I told you about the pauper I am providing for.

Then the flies showed up and I spent the next two months swatting them away.

 

One day, I licked the lollipop for the first time since then and tasted manure in the center.

I wondered why something so sweet could taste so repulsive.

But to my surprise, I was struck by the thought that I should have known.

You found yourself a guy you couldn’t wrap around your finger.

I didn’t see it until I was being bled dry and I could barely stay awake.

I had nothing to offer you when you claimed I did.

 

So why were you angry?

Why were you cranky?

I thought you were dandy

When you abstained from hanky panky.

 

All this time, you were still the hurt little boy that was raised in the Pope’s lyceum.

And turned into a lamprey the second I couldn’t give him anything to eat.

If you’re alone and free, I’ve already forgotten about you.

If you deserve better than me, you took the easy way out

By cheating on your test in life and got caught by the pauper.

You whimpered in fear of getting expelled and I was prepared for it.

 

The lamprey within broke free when I couldn’t look at you as the same person I loved before.

You fruitlessly faked your regret and pinned the blame on my ass to get out of jail free.

I’m not crying not because I didn’t care about you.

It was because I have the ending from that film memorized by heart.

It’s crazy, isn’t it? I know. I’ve watched it several times in French as a student.

 

I know my worth. I’m smiling in public while the sun is up

And brightening up the night when it goes down.

Thank you for putting words in my mouth when you were at your lowest.

Can you remind me again what major you’re pursuing?

Because you behaved like a patient in a case study at Arkham to me.

Wake up and smell the roses, my sweet summer child.

If you can’t stand to be where the bald eagles take flight,

Then park yourself on a bench and feed the pigeons.

Epiphany

One day it dawned upon him,

with an almost rude suddenness,

that his reality is his own and his own only.

Ignited within him, a passion arose.

He desired most to explore,

so that he may experience

reality from a vast multitude

of perspectives on the world. 

Perhaps, he thought,

this was the basis for curiosity. 

Then, he wondered if language, art,

and literature were the attempts 

to bridge the gap between realities. 

After all, what else could communicate

the complex thoughts formulated

within each of those minds?

Yet, another thought occurred.

Perhaps this, realized loneliness, 

was the foundation for love. 

For don't we seek to find

the one who sees

reality in a similar light?

And then, a staggering epiphany,

gripped his consciousness.

Could this, isolation of the mind,

not be the meaning of life?

He decided, in that single shocking moment,

that the utter beauty of the world,

with its mammoth array of microcosms,

and the fantastic complexity of the universe,

was too precious not to be witnessed 

by an intelligent being, like himself.

Even, if he was alone in the experience.

 

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Monsters In The Dark

Now listen to what I have to say

For the wicked hide in the shadows of this day

 

You know nothing of what is of me

You may know the color of my eyes

But not of what they are capable to see

 

Now here, I've warned this upon you

For not every smile is ever true

 

Everything is not set in stone

You may say there is an answer

When nothing is completely known

 

Close your eyes, please understand

That what you may rely on is a blood-thirsty hand

 

Unknown of what they truly are

Watch think before you turn and talk

Someone so close to you can be so far

 

So remember before you go on and say

"But why would anyone do this to me anyway?"

 

Human nature can be full of evil and greed

Unwatched, A monster born within the shadows, full only of self pleasure and need.

What We Are (In the Dark)

Folder: 
Mindscapes

 

Untouchable

Unknowable

Intangible

 

Deeper darkness lurking in the twilight,

Murky depths, rejected by the sunlight.

 

Monsters creeping in the dark, 

Gleaming eyes filled with savagery, 

Mouths filled with glistening teeth.

 

I have walked amongst apparitions. 

I have faced demons and gods. 

No foe or ally is greater than myself.

 

The split, the divide, is as

Different as day and night, 

Greater than the space

 

Between the darkest point of the ocean

And the stars. We exist

Between the realms.

 

Aware of both, grasping one, 

Fearing the other,

When nothing truly exists. 

 

For what is the self other than

A collection of thoughts, 

Of ideas, a ghost?

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I should be writing an essay for my english class right now. 

This happened instead.

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Blizzard - February 11, 2013

Folder: 
Chapter One

A vacant space fills our imaginations

with goals to make the best of creations.

Work is to be done, and goals are to be achieved,

and a blockade of will is hoped to be relieved.

 

Imagination is a bridge, and your goals are lost,

for in front of you is a bridge that you long to cross,

but the mist is slick, you must proceed slow.

If you don't, the void of dullness lie below.

 

You take a slow step with misty stone at your feet

that quickly turns to snow, a foe difficult to beat.

Your walk turns to a crawl, and your pace is slow.

You begin to question what you really know.

 

Snow freezes to ice in front of your eyes.

Across the bridge are eternal blank cries.

You cannot wait any more, you must rise and fight

against the blizzard, the ice, what you need inside.

 

You grasp onto the stone, onto your destiny,

and you slowly rise to your frost-burnt feet.

Your crawl to a walk, then into a run.

If you make it now, your dreams are sure to come.

 

You progress with confidence, and you're heeding the call.

The only danger possible is that you might fall.

But that is impossible, you've gone too far,

until you realize who you really are.

 

You stumble and slip, and you smash into the ice.

Your only goal was to make it to new heights,

but you're too worthless; your dreams are left untouched.

Lost are the goals to which you've so hopefully clutched.

 

Is this a nightmare? This is not in your sleep.

It's reality's awakening to why you must weep.

You never had a chance; you couldn't ever make it,

so you were forced to break down and to forfeit.

 

In the progress of your life, you'll see what you've become.

You will see that it's imagination where dreams come from.

because they're not a reality, and they'll never be true,

so you need to discover what reality means to you.

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Backwards In Space

Folder: 
Coming Out

If given the chance to turn back time
Would you be positive that I could?
Take the present set it on rewind
And go back to the time I felt undiscovered

Thought of the travel brings me down
That this function does not even exist
Just to turn something totally around
Even my decision, my past I felt more doubt

Though bullying with my identity
On both sides, there is tons of regret
Of ever dealing with mistaken orientation
Coming years later into something that has never left

Only to discover that is you
Glaring in the mirror at that face
In those eyes to tear forever feeling useful
Allow me to go backwards like in space

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Discovery of my Sexual orientation. That if I could change back time, I would have been a Lesbian.

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tags:

Ended Search

Folder: 
2000

I finally discovered

What it is I truly desire

The one thing that makes

Your heart set a fire

 

That one thing, in its finest form,

Is true, pure, matchless, real,

Eager, hungry, matchless, real,

Eager, hungry, ecstatic, and fantastic

It is love; for the heart it is a meal

 

~Chrystal

Written on

October 19, 2000

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This one was a note on what love is and giving descriptives.

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