Full Awareness

Full Awareness

A short time after being under the influence i begin to become aware.

Sitting in the dark in the park i am engulfed with fear.

Some say this is not the way to go about it.

A tool is a tool once used by a fool to compensate for his own abiding.

a month of sobriety cannot compare.

Time is unknown, the wait is unknown, i myself is not known.

Only through my breath and mind can i find the endless time.

There i sit concentrating deeper and deeper.

Toads, crickets, and the light dewdrops.

My breath becomes in sequence with that of my enviorment.

As it reaches full synchronicity my awareness expands.

The feeling of my brain releasing of a chemical allows this experience.

A bright flash of lightning directly in the middle of my closed eye visual.

The opening of my third eye it must be.

full awareness i can see 

Nobody shall try and sneak on me while i am aware of the infinity. 


Author's Notes/Comments: 

everything you come across in life is content that fills our "field of awareness" awareness itself is not content. 

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Deep down in the dumps of my mind.

Feeling slump, can't concentrate on my shrine.

The purpose is to elaborate on the meaning of being.

But i'm stuck on the thought of me.

Who am I? who I be?

I don't know, this is something i've created through past, present, and memories.

Knowledge is what i live for, thats my Gold.

Grow up and realize that kind of life ain't gunna fit your role.

Helping others is my goal.

Wake up and live, don't live that lie.

I'm even praying for you, and your mommas cries.

It's up to you who you be.

I'ma be raising consciousness, praying to the one and only truths that bounds this reality.

So stop and listen to the silence 'cause that's where you'll find your wants and desires.

Dont believe me? Give it a try, close your eyes and open your mind to the possibilities of more than physical binds.

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I wish that you could see what I see.

But it can only take someone free to understand me.

Deeper and deeper I go, into the endless pit of the unkown.

I find myself weightless and hateless from this hell.

I only wish for people to grow and grow.

Not to find themselves digging their hole.

You hear this, you hear that.

Just drop it and face it, there are no facts.

For what is true and holds purpose is what we seek.

Only through great understanding and meditation is when we'll be at peace 

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On December 1st of each year, red ribbons are interlaced everywhere.

It's for each and every person infected by HIV/AIDS.

The immune virus that is hushed and silenced, a private personal matter like an unspoken rule.

If known that one is positive, then all life known turns hell and that soul, that HUMAN BEING is made to suffer unjustly at the very hands of society.

Stigma attached to the incurable disease breeds hate and fear making one diagnosed positive feel sub - human and inhuman like a ghost.

HIV/AIDS affects us all whether we know it or not - although there is no cure for this fatal score, we have hope that one day we can fight this disease.

Until then, educate yourself and get tested - knowing your status can help save your life!

Further spread awareness and prevention so that others can know, let's work together to end the fatal virus and stop the hate!

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The red ribbon is the universal symbol of awareness and support for those living with HIV/AIDS.


HIV/AIDS stigma exists around the world in a lot of different ways, including ostracism, rejection, discrimination and avoidance. HIV-related stigma and discrimination exist worldwide, although they manifest themselves differently across countries, communities, religious groups and individuals. There is possible consequences of HIV-related stigma to be: loss of income and livelihood, loss of marriage, and childbearing options, poor care within the health sector, withdrawal of caregiving in the home, loss of hope, and feelings of worthlessness and loss of reputation. HIV stigma and key affected populations. The affected populations are groups of people who are disproportionately affected by HIV and AIDS, such as the gay community, people who inject drugs and sex workers. Stigma and discrimination are often directed towards these groups simply because others disapprove of their behaviors.

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Odd Man Out

Sometimes, I realize how different I am.


A shape that doesn't fit into any one particular place


Odd man out


When I look back on how versatile I've always been

Lots of different cliques, not a singular type of friend


Expending everything I have to be someone people want to talk to


But for what?


What am I searching for?



I can identify so many beautiful things that I have

In real life


A short few people who actually love me, for me


When I need them, they come through


In depth long conversation


Or just a simple cup of coffee because they're near


These are tried and true relationships



Sometimes I realize how different I am.


The tallest tree in the forest, towering above those who directly surround her


Or the tiniest grain of sand, undifferentiated, lost in an endless desert

So much the same, but uniquely separate in perspective

Nothing better, nothing worse

Just different...


If I had the choice to be somene else, in another place, another position

I wouldn't think twice before turning it down

I realize this isolation is an opportunity to turn myself around

I was once lost, and once again I will be found

I know I won't find myself in the struggle of another

So, I'll stop attempting to drown myself in the company of others

The silence, the absence, the willingness to be with me

The effort, The choice, The solace

It's become my sole necessity


Author's Notes/Comments: 

I'm in a weird space within right now.

Trying to find the strength to go radio silent and let the true friendships surface.

Trying to find a true friendship with myself, and rebuild my connection to my spirit.

Distance and space are hard to do when you feel like you'll be missing out on others.

But, it's time.

Monsters In The Dark

Now listen to what I have to say

For the wicked hide in the shadows of this day


You know nothing of what is of me

You may know the color of my eyes

But not of what they are capable to see


Now here, I've warned this upon you

For not every smile is ever true


Everything is not set in stone

You may say there is an answer

When nothing is completely known


Close your eyes, please understand

That what you may rely on is a blood-thirsty hand


Unknown of what they truly are

Watch think before you turn and talk

Someone so close to you can be so far


So remember before you go on and say

"But why would anyone do this to me anyway?"


Human nature can be full of evil and greed

Unwatched, A monster born within the shadows, full only of self pleasure and need.

I need to feed my cat

I pull my brown heavy jacket closer as I walk toward the parking lot.  The cold October air is making it feel as if winter has already arrived.  I just finished working a 12-hour serving shift and feel more than ready to go home after locking up the small diner.  Before I left, I had gone into the restroom and upon washing my hands, I had looked into the mirror.  I looked exhausted.  My green eye shadow, black eyeliner, and mascara were smeared and my long brown hair, pulled into a bun, was looking unkempt.  As I approach my car, I go through a mental checklist of what I did, making sure I took care of all of the closing since I hurried out the door, remembering that I needed to get home to feed my cat.  She was probably starving and feeling lonely since I haven’t worked this shift in ages.

            Turning the key into the driver’s door of my black Kia Rio, after taking the ten-minute walk to the vacant parking lot, I hear a noise.  It sounds as if an animal is dragging its tail through the gravel.  Not knowing what was causing the noise, and since it is late at night the noise frightens me, causing me to jump as I turn to see where the noise is coming from.

            “Oh, it’s just you,” I say with relief as I realized it is only Roy, the man I recently had started to see.  We were going on two months this Saturday.  “What are you doing here?  I thought our date wasn’t until tomorrow?”  I take in Roy’s disheveled appearance.  His eyes look glazed over and his short black hair looks greasy and untidy; he is usually a very put together guy.  My guess is that he had been out drinking.

            “Maggie!  I’ve been calling you all day and you haven’t called me back!  Why haven’t you called me back?”  He asks as he lumbers toward me.

            “I told you yesterday on the phone that I had a long shift today, Roy.  I thought our date wasn’t until tomorrow?”  This was a whole other side of him that I had never seen.  We had been on seven dates and had talked each night on the phone and he was so nice, kind, and gentlemanlike.  I don’t know what has gotten into him.

            “Aw, honey, I must have forgotten.  I missed you, that’s all.”  He says as he leans up against my car.

            “I missed you, too, Roy, but, as you can see, I am thoroughly exhausted and need to be heading home now.  My cat needs fed.  You knew that I was a busy woman when we started dating.”  I turn around to open my car door, thinking that was the end of the conversation.  “Do you need me to call someone to take you home?”  I ask as I once again turn my key to unlock the door.

            “No.”  That was all the answer I got as I felt his hot breath on the back of my neck.  “You will take me home.”  He whispers.

            “Roy, I need to get home.  You’re scaring me.”

            Roy towers over me as he grabs my arms tightly, pulling me into a forced embrace.  “I missed you, Maggie.  I want you to be with me.  Be with me, Maggie.  Why won’t you be with me?”

            I am stuck in his forced embrace and no matter what I do, I cannot escape.  He twists me around so that I face him.  My head only reaches to his shoulder and I am overpowered.  He leans toward me and smothers my mouth with his.  I feel the tears starting to form and once he sees them, he slaps me across the face.

            “Don’t you want to be with me?”  He asks again, more forcibly and repeatedly as he moves his ugly lips down my neck.

            I make my attempts to push away the man who is twice my size to no avail.  My feeble attempts only add fuel to his anger and arousal.  As he crushes his mouth against mine, one of his hands finds a way up my shirt, groping me.  His other hand is still holding me captive against my car.  I don’t understand what is happening as my mind spins, trying to make sense of the situation.  Roy takes my keys from me, now only holding me by one arm.  His back is against me as I bite down hard on his hand, making him release me and yell in pain.  I run back toward the diner, not looking back, scared to see if he is following me.  Roy tackles me to the ground.  My escape has failed.

            “Roy, please…”  I beg.

            Once again, he hits me.  This time my eyes go fuzzy as my head bounces against the ground.  The last thing I see is Roy unbuttoning his pants while he sits on top of me.  Total darkness.

            I wake up in gravel, not remembering how I got there or why.  As I try to stand, I feel shaky and my head begins to pound with a killer headache.  I hurt everywhere.  Then I remember.


            No, no.  Just get to your car.  I walk toward my car thinking this same thought over and over.  Okay, you need to get home to feed your cat.  You need to feed your cat.  You need to feed your cat.  I get into my car and drive home.  Home to feed my cat.

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Catholic Caravan

Reality, like childrens nail polish across my skin;

toxic film that wrinkles when I move my hand to reach for the television remote.


 Like a ghostly pretense,

or an old man's hand


that's only a membrane stretched over bones which have bent and cracked with the cobble stone, peeling paint times.


 Humans walk past me in my plastic arm chair, 

their bodies being stretched


 and ripped

from seconds before into watercolor zombies.


 My own saliva wraps around my brain, dripping down into my eyes and turning to milk. 

I can't feel the scintillating, raspberry thoughts


 bob through my mind and explode into a shower of citrus and wood stain.

From sitting to standing


 I can't even feel the transition blow against my skin.

Wading effortlessly through my existence


 I accidentally wiggle my hands into the holes of reality, and then I sit down again;

that rusty red moment


in which I could see through my eyelids is gone

and will only come again


 when another travels towards me in a catholic caravan. 

I Understand More Than You Are Aware Of

If it's no to the god pod, and no tc,

It is you who will choose,

Your own destiny,

To be with thugs.

And then wonder and whine,

And feel 'unworthy' of my hugs,

You've made this prison in your mind.


Going south will be certain,

You'll find more of the same,

Don't be surprised,

If you get caught in their game,

If you really want changes,

For the good in every way,

Make up your mind,

To stand on firmer ground today.


Stand on your own,

Face what's inside,

There is nothing wrong,

With wanting to hide,

When all is against you,

And when not one gives a care,

Maybe things will be clearer,

For your soul then to bare.


You cannot blame anyone,

We all get what we ask,

If you make the wrong choice,

It's not mine, but your a**.


Others are doing,

What you claim can't be done,

It isn't impossible,

It's just not going to be 'fun'.


Don't try to make excuses,

That any of this is for my protection,

Cause there's too many people,

Holding up my true intentions.




5:34 PM 6/25/2013 ©




Author's Notes/Comments: 

Understanding comes from a willingness to understand, and being able to see the forest for the trees, and not just what you want to see. This poem is about something I am being made to deal with due to a situation beyond my control.

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