You came at a bad time.
A terribly, terribly bad time.
You showed up the moment I couldn’t stand to touch you.
I was afraid you were never going to come.
I should have been glad you came, but why am I not relieved?
Is it that crippling fear that the moment I touch you, you fade away like a ghost?
Is it that you might be a whistleblower looking for an insecurity to use against me later?
Or is it that you are trying to distract me from tending to my garden before it dies of thirst?
I want to shout, “Why didn’t you come sooner?!”
I want to shout, “Where were you when I needed you most?!”
I want to yell at the top of my lungs, “Would it kill you to tell me what’s driving you away from me?!!”
But I am too nice. Too kind and gentle to scream and point to the elephant in the room.
The very elephant that a sorcerer pulled out of his hat and crippled both of my limbs.
I never wanted to call for help because it reinforces the notion that I should still be in high school.
I’ve crawled around all year avoiding the other teenage drama queens that worship dragons.
Seems like they forgot that dragons like to steal our fortunes and our hearts. Before they eat them.
Spending time with my open-minded little brother has planted a seed of doubt in my head.
A seed that gets me thinking that all love does to me is waste my time experimenting with false hope.
My imaginary nights with a fallen angel goes along the lines of;
“Yes, yes, honey, shower me with hugs and kisses. Oh, my love, how I yearn for you.
Pleasure me with your lust until the water in your veins runs out and you become a raisin.
Only then, will I toss you in the sun and wonder why the hell I’ve never gotten lucky.”
When will the water cycle end for the both of us?
What compels Venus to bewitch me to make bad choices?
Why else do you think independent seekers with degrees in hand avoid commitment?
Our grandparents and parents are more patient than our generation is now
Because compared to us, they tended to their gardens and their raisins.
You did a bang-up job tending to me by showering me with promises you can’t keep,
With complex wisdom about human nature, stories of your struggle to get your education over with,
And the snuggles and touches that I wished were real more than the chains I dream of shattering.
You’ve made this game look so easy, you know?
All that had impressed me about you lately is how you’ve lured me into your arms,
Only to neglect me without warning when the sun was at its hottest.
Part of me does not wish to see you go because I tolerate the pain that your absence has left behind.
You scarcely have time on your hands, but would you care to join me for a cup of jasmine tea?
It won’t take long. What I want to know next is what else is new that you have yet to tell me?
I sit in the library
Typing away at an old
Computer whose monitor
Looks more like an
Out dated microwave,
There is the couple
With the constant
Third member of
The club,
always lending a
helping hand to her
but he is not the
one on whom
she rests her head,
There's some sort of rap
Boasting out of some
Cumbersome headphones
Squealing like an old
Plastic wind up toy
two friends calmly
debate their college debt
with dread in the
silence of no answers
and the
long winded
breaths
of breaking the bank
their vibrance
suddenly stoic as
they think about what
their future may hold
It is certainly possible
That debt will be
Insurmountable
That they have
Bought into
A black hole
A Pyramind scheme
Sang their last song
Put everything on Enron
but I would venture
that while yes
indeed debt has
difficult branches to break
there will be little
talk of it at the dinner table
not so much as a hush
on their honeymoon
and bills wont be
baby's first word
So tonight I'll have a few beers
With friends I'll have for atleast a few years
And the bank can bill me
After I've made my first billion
I'm sorry,
If sometimes I sound
And act like
I'm pushing you away.
I'm not scared
Of losing anything...
I didn't need
Anyone...
My life has no
Greater meaning
Until I met you.
It's just that I'm beginning
To love you beyond
I've ever felt before,
Beyond I ever thought
I could,
And it scares the hell
Out of me.
It scares me
Because I have a glitch-
The one you know of.
Some time in the past,
I've allowed myself
To love -
Unconditionally...
And though I know
You are different
And THIS is incomparable,
Loving too much
Triggers the me that was
Hurt too much
And when it happens,
Something inside of me
Shuts off.
And I get scared,
And I try to fight it off,
Pretending I'm okay
When I'm not.
Worse, in defense,
I foolishly build
This stupid wall,
Made of silly words-
Between us.
Wall of words
To gather courage
That I'm ready for
Anything
Because you and
Your happiness,
Mean everything
To me.
A wall I built,
As if I didn't know
That the warmth
Of your love and
The gentleness
Of your heart
Can see and pierce
Through it.
You know me better.
That I was dying
To be rescued.
You're still there
Unmoved, unshaken.
Hurt...
But waiting, patiently
With open arms-
For me.
I'm so, so, soooooooo very sorry.
If I sound
And act like
I'm pushing you away.
More than anything,
Despite my glitch,
Please...stay.
Sometimes I question, "What should I do with my life?"
They say, "Follow your heart" but what if I live in despite?
And I don't know why.
I remember the first rain,
It's warmth and mist and the Autumn-claimed highlands that it fell upon.
I remember the school of tiny black fish kissing the ripples on the lake's cool surface.
The auburn pines and fallen logs over pathways, dampening stumps and the wind, the wind,
The wind that whispered all around me: "You Are A God, And Peace Is Expensive."
I remember the first men,
Gazing around at their small and perfect world, new thoughts rushing so fast though their minds-
They were breathless. I remember their hot beating hearts as they strove for purpose and comfort.
They found a name for that warm earthy feeling that wraps around two people like warm blankets,
I waited patiently for them to greet me as they did each other, drink with me, laugh with me,
Yet all they did was pray.
Cement and plastic kill my pure loves.
This hell's imperfections spitting up at me like hot fat in a searing pan.
The sun is too bright for most, so noses are on the grindstone,
On a project claimed to be far more powerful and prosperous than anything from my feeble craft,
My precious pretty people work too hard, too driven, far too fast. Yet-
I can see eyes in flowers, tongues in waterfalls and bony fingers in dark forests.
I see every being, its lies and truths, its dreams and torments, every beautiful detail,
As exact as a botanical diagram penned with a flourishing quill.
I see connections- person to person- like veins knotted in a body,
Synapses and junctions snapping and jumping with all that delicious energy,
All that mystery and awe that I thought propelled all things,
I give out frugally, yet freely to those who deserve it. My beautiful chosen ones,
I will show you misty lakes in snowy mountain ranges, streams flooded with river reeds,
Deep valleys- cracks in the earth- stretches of tall exotic wonders stringed with vines,
I will show you that craved feeling of being home that people kill for. I will hand it to you.
I will cherish you, as your eyes are my eyes and each new sight is my new wonder,
I will happily give you those dreamlike moments of exhilarating bliss,
And shower you with them from above.
Sense.
Sensitivity.
The highly sensitive person.
It is not genetically
marked, but Carl Jung
says that HSPs
have a definite
biological
difference in their
nervous systems.
"Oh, don't be so SENSITIVE!!!"
They were once shy,
until they learned
there was no
other recourse,
and the world broke
them...
...and then,
on the eighth
day, God created
monsters.
1:25 PM 7/5/2013 ©
Restless toes on the edge of the waterfall peak,
To fly or swim, suffocate or fall,
Temptation tickles the need for retreat;
Even planets migrate to the stars,
Give and no take,
No warmth to remember during the pining of a lonely heart.
On top of mountains, curtained by the clouds,
Everything below in a web woven by nature,
It’s sad to see the man-made scars;
Unnatural to feel concrete beneath bare feet.
Tangled in wants and needs,
No room to breathe when the air gets so thin,
Through preservation we remain static shadows:
Holding on to the flesh,
Reaching out to infinity,
There’s no return.
Vessels depart with souls,
Counting eternity amongst the constellations,
Fate is not a specific time of a happening:
Just the inevitable that repeats itself.
For of all the eons,
And of all the seasons,
That she has seen and lived, endures does she without reason.
Towering giants of old,
Sweeping lands gripped in cold,
With intricate and innumerable secrets, she is bold.
Dark and boundless,
Stretched cold by her caress
With purpose other, does the heaven’s expanse impress.
In waters with undulant creations,
On ground with perfect imperfections,
She is bold and enduring, the careless crafter of suns.
Two legged and alien,
Not always have they been,
For a moment they have conquered, a moment more before they end.
With dancing and burning pain
They have crafted their main,
With which is ever changing, so too is their innocent bane.
For once had she been their lover,
Now they forsake for another,
For the cold malignant metal that is ever at war with their mother.
What kind kindling hands had she
When she brought them to be
And now they unwittingly murder her, ever so slowly.
For of all the eons
And of all the seasons
That she has seen and lived, endures does she without reason.
Against her own children
Who have not always been,
Who tirelessly seek to oppress, to imprison, to end.
Computer is an invention to adore,
Computers have gone into our system’s deep core!
A computer is being used as a pen,
Unbelievable addiction to computers,
We are just hooked to them,
Not knowing how and when?
A computer can give many options to work on….
Sitting on a computer, hours can be gone!
It’s amazing to use e-mail, chatting and face book,
A computer is a great entertainment cook!
A computer plays a role of a good friend,
Your time spent with a computer, mostly has a good end!
When a man made machine is so great!
Think of the Master Computer who opened life’s gate?
Do we ever see the awe in Nature, Sun, Rain and Stars?
Do we give our gratitude to the Lord, for the given minutes and hours…..
Master Computer god gives us water and food everyday!
Do we thank him for the breath taken, any day!
Everything given by god is taken for granted…..
Remember life is short, blessings are wanted!
Pay back to the world with good deeds!
The master computer god,
Will bring you happiness, taking away your weeds!