and then there are the days
that are no more than impossible
they feel like something the world wrote down for me
as an outline or a moral
I should treat them as experiments-
if I can write this word I’ve made my own day
if I can make this doorway I’m coming home
wrestling with my mind as if
it is the one that belongs to me
I can almost hear the laughter
silly little girl
she thinks she knows what she’s doing
she thinks she knows who she is
and that autonomy isn’t a rope
I will rip out of her hands
as the seconds slip by
and she realizes how wrong this is going
I still miss you as much as I miss who I could have been
I know there has to be a state of mind
somewhere,
like when I stop moving and my body
disconnects,
a place I can’t feel this
//
there are the days
I have a mind that is taken over by these arms this heart this monster of a skin
sex with you is deliberate
a pattern we pick out
and is it too much to ask
to not want to know you’ll want me tomorrow
so it can come as a surprise
so something strikes deep in my chest
when you walk this way
and I don’t have to call it regret
I don’t think I know the way to make someone want
and I keep losing the way with you
leaving pebbles and pepper and heartache every place I think I should kiss
letting my eyes wander and losing my center of balance
I leave already in lust with you
I have all of the burning but none of the rules
no compass for this world of body
//
I want to be someone’s bright and someone’s story
I reach out to every hand and dust slips through my fingers
I don’t think I know the way to separate my mind from what holds it
to carry myself the right way and still carry these thoughts
My body says hello
My body says real
My body says no shame
My body says cracks are a good thing
My body says it is usually sad
but that doesn’t keep it from enjoying itself
My body says it will fuck you for fun first
(and then a second time for exercise)
My body says there is not a day it hasn’t seen
My body says if you stare too long the door will close and it can be just as it wants to again
My body says it will eat cake with you
when the world is too loud to go outside
and once the explosions have gone back to where they came from
my body says
we can replace that chaos
it is time to take as many steps as it wants outside the door.
this is new.
this is
there used to be a light
and someone has turned it off
in front of my face
but for years I thought I could still see
before I went half blind
this is
what do I want
strong soft
both
neither
scared
they tell you
lean on a shoulder
when you’re stumbling
but I started this at sundown and there are too many trails
now I am all alone and it is midnight and I can’t find the moon
I can’t find the things that have always been there and
this is my finish line to cross
this was supposed to be a simple walk
done before dark but
it has turned into fighting a clear path through a storm
I used to be able to love without second-guessing but
now you are a given,
nothing else is
how am I supposed to find solid ground when I can’t feel my own body
how am I supposed to love you like I did when I can’t spell the sentences of my own love letters
I don’t know how to reach through my own heart
and find what I needed a thousand years ago
how am I supposed to need you
when I don’t know what I need
this is
being tossed under waves I thought were freshwater
and getting a lungful of salt
this is
not fitting in the mold they have given me
or the one I gave myself
this is
forgetting everything about the words supposed to
and running on
pure
shaky
want.
You came at a bad time.
A terribly, terribly bad time.
You showed up the moment I couldn’t stand to touch you.
I was afraid you were never going to come.
I should have been glad you came, but why am I not relieved?
Is it that crippling fear that the moment I touch you, you fade away like a ghost?
Is it that you might be a whistleblower looking for an insecurity to use against me later?
Or is it that you are trying to distract me from tending to my garden before it dies of thirst?
I want to shout, “Why didn’t you come sooner?!”
I want to shout, “Where were you when I needed you most?!”
I want to yell at the top of my lungs, “Would it kill you to tell me what’s driving you away from me?!!”
But I am too nice. Too kind and gentle to scream and point to the elephant in the room.
The very elephant that a sorcerer pulled out of his hat and crippled both of my limbs.
I never wanted to call for help because it reinforces the notion that I should still be in high school.
I’ve crawled around all year avoiding the other teenage drama queens that worship dragons.
Seems like they forgot that dragons like to steal our fortunes and our hearts. Before they eat them.
Spending time with my open-minded little brother has planted a seed of doubt in my head.
A seed that gets me thinking that all love does to me is waste my time experimenting with false hope.
My imaginary nights with a fallen angel goes along the lines of;
“Yes, yes, honey, shower me with hugs and kisses. Oh, my love, how I yearn for you.
Pleasure me with your lust until the water in your veins runs out and you become a raisin.
Only then, will I toss you in the sun and wonder why the hell I’ve never gotten lucky.”
When will the water cycle end for the both of us?
What compels Venus to bewitch me to make bad choices?
Why else do you think independent seekers with degrees in hand avoid commitment?
Our grandparents and parents are more patient than our generation is now
Because compared to us, they tended to their gardens and their raisins.
You did a bang-up job tending to me by showering me with promises you can’t keep,
With complex wisdom about human nature, stories of your struggle to get your education over with,
And the snuggles and touches that I wished were real more than the chains I dream of shattering.
You’ve made this game look so easy, you know?
All that had impressed me about you lately is how you’ve lured me into your arms,
Only to neglect me without warning when the sun was at its hottest.
Part of me does not wish to see you go because I tolerate the pain that your absence has left behind.
You scarcely have time on your hands, but would you care to join me for a cup of jasmine tea?
It won’t take long. What I want to know next is what else is new that you have yet to tell me?
I am drawn to you
like this I can’t help
but see your lips like a weapon
I will fall onto again and again
As much as I will
hold you through the night
I stumble into you
when you look at me like that
Stay or leave
Hold me down
Give me heaven
when you touch me
I sit here for hours
and I’m stuck on you
I will fold words
and moan them into your mouth
Lying here out of breath with you
sings the truth.
There is no way
I am leaving here
without kissing you again.
This is not a rescue,
this is pulling us inside out.
Before his love,
she had been afraid
before his touch,
she had been ashamed
Mirrored in a gaze,
stormy blue
she beheld her Grace,
in clear view
He awoke in her a song
long repressed, so natural
then a dance, demanding rave
with beauty, raw and sensual
He made her feel safe in love,
to yield to body and voice
he taught her it was always
something meant to be rejoiced
Taking hold of the chains,
dragging the weights
through the perlious
perdition, seeing no end
to the plight, obsidian shards
piercing the hooves, blood
leaving its mark on the wasted
land, as the light of an uncertain day
fades dusk takes its place,
the heat of a long night beginning to set in,
with no moon or stars to lead the way
out of this labyrinth of thorns;
Complete mutilation, flesh stripped off the naked
form; trudging, step after step, nothing but the fear
of never seeing her again, the will shocks the system,
adrenaline secreted: sweat raining down on whats left,
open wounds filled up with a concoction of bodily fluids
Arriving at a junction, the clime molts its condition,
steam concealing the ravaged expanse; lungs
filled with hot air, eyes showing their tears at last,
gaping pits of perfused lye; tempting just to plunge
in and bathe one last time, boiling like an egg, outer
shell dissolving, the soft vitals boyant in the solution,
pulling off the trigger and continuing the balacing act,
restrained steps, slowly, tedious fear works it way down
the spine, cannot avoid letting go of the pain, too much to bear,
losing control, slipping , too hard, letting go, toss myself like
a stone, ripples, then sinking to the bottom of the hole, burning
and exponentially blistering, one last gasp, a scream, then forever
asleep.
I am kind of asleep.
I am kind of screaming.
I am kind of lying.
I am kind of shaking.
I am kind of breaking the rules.
I am kind of on top of the world.
I am kind of on fire.
I am kind of in love with you.
There is no way to know how you hold me,
how your wishes leave dust on my skin
so I’ll tell you I have too many side weights to be here.
You run with the tigers but you don’t tell me,
wait for the crest but maybe this is it
so I’ll hold myself over you until you catch your breath.
Here you go, I say I still don’t know
push off loving you like you deserve
so the parachute tears my chest as I leave here again.
There is no way to know how I’ll touch you,
how when you catch your breath I always cave in
so please stay here like you let me.