*Once Again I'm In A Losing Battle*



 Trisha Barrek Hopkins


Once again I'm in a losing battle

Lost with no place to hide

As I walk I feel my bones rattle

Once again my heart has died

These thoughts to stop I've tried


Day and night I just go on crying

I have no more strength

Just let me go on dying

Once again to myself I fight

To myself I keep lying

This battle of mine is so long in length


Truth is no one is out there 

Who will for me go that extra mile

No one for me to care

I just want this frown to go away

So I can smile 

But nothing nice people can say


To show I mean something

To let me know they hear

But It's just games they play

Being alone is my biggest fear

Hurt is what I feel everyday


God is so unfair

What is left is hatered

To my heart you bring

A lasting tear


No one with me 

Wants to forever be by my side

No one wants to stay

When they see me they turn around to hide

With me they don't want to be 


I must remain alone

Till my dying day

And my heart

It turned back to stone

No more do I care

What people have to say

Because getting close to me will anyone dare




Scent of death

Who are you?

what am I?

this is life--

we're passers by.


radiance falls

& fragrance lingers

this subtle numbness

tingles through the tip of my fingers


could love fill the empty room?


this desolate space,

it consumes 

the human race,

like a black hole 

a vacuum to the light in your soul..


hazey eyes

gloomy skies

sunshine cries--

the funeral's today..


the windows shine

stained glass

colored in disarray


I prayed to God, may you stay..

Author's Notes/Comments: 



I'm sorry,

If sometimes I sound

And act like
I'm pushing you away.


I'm not scared

Of losing anything...

I didn't need


My life has no

Greater meaning

Until I met you.


It's just that I'm beginning

To love you beyond

I've ever felt before,

Beyond I ever thought

I could,

And it scares the hell

Out of me.


It scares me

Because I have a glitch-

The one you know of.

Some time in the past,

I've allowed myself

To love -



And though I know

You are different

And THIS is incomparable,

Loving too much

Triggers the me that was

Hurt too much


And when it happens,

Something inside of me

Shuts off.

And I get scared,

And I try to fight it off,

Pretending I'm okay

When I'm not.


Worse, in defense,

I foolishly build

This stupid wall,

Made of silly words-

Between us.


Wall of words

To gather courage

That I'm ready for 


Because you and

Your happiness,

Mean everything

To me.


A wall I built,

As if I didn't know

That the warmth

Of your love and

The gentleness

Of your heart

Can see and pierce

Through it.


You know me better.

That I was dying

To be rescued.

You're still there

Unmoved, unshaken.


But waiting, patiently

With open arms-

For me.


I'm so, so, soooooooo very sorry.

If I sound 

And act like

I'm pushing you away.

More than anything,

Despite my glitch,



Author's Notes/Comments: 

-(c) angeljerlin 09Dec14

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Don’t Go Away

Don’t go away my friend, remember this,

I am not as strong as Corydon,

In Arnold’s “Thyrsis”,

Impossible it is to breathe without you alone.


Let’s tread together,

Like the rail tracks let’s try and touch the horizon,

Let’s go after,

What is good, let new dreams be born.      


Illumine myriad others acting like the stars,

Through the priceless prose, through each glorious verse.

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Talk and Stay


Echoes of your voice ring

Feelings I've been keeping

I drank this blue bottle

My heart didn't settle


The laughters we had

They make me feel bad

Tragic are these stories

Our tale didn't exist


I thought I'd be drunk

Just sleep on this bunk

But I couldn't help picturing you

And I couldn't stop thinking of you


Of how you are tonight

I think of you a lot

If you are just alright

'Cause honestly I'm not


I went to your house today

You were not there again

There are things I want to say

Things a phone cannot send


Face me just this time

Don't walk away like you do

Just talk and stay only to

Make me feel alright


I beg you, don't go

I want this to close

There are things I want you to know

How I felt way before the cold

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Stay This Way


You always smile although I'm mad
You always try to make me glad
In all ways, you are never bad
If I'll lose you, I'll be so sad

I never asked a favor from you before
But now that I am loving you more and more
There is only one thing that I pray
I beg God that you would stay this way

You make jokes for me every hour
You keep all the things that you vowed
I never had seen you furious
Although they said you're notorious

I won't ever want you to change
I love who you are this way
So I'm begging you to stay
Please remain like this each day

Author's Notes/Comments: 

"STAY THIS WAY" is realizing after being cruel to someone that you need that someone so much after all, and that you don't even know how to live if that someone would be gone.

Tell Hope

The First One.

How does one know when it’s right?
When winter finally changes to spring and the sun shines a little brighter
Or does the day just turn into night?
And one wonders can I ever go back to when it was lighter?
When do I let go?
Please, how do you know?
Tell me to let go of hope
Or do I keep fighting,
Fighting for what used to be?
I don’t know I really don’t, I wish one of these days I could just see
But I guess I’ll have to be patient with what my heart decides happens to me.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Feedback is VERY welcomed.

Leave Me Forgotten,Think of Me No More.

My Love

Life, Love, Truth
Beautiful things giv’n me in my youth
But I wasted them all away.


Your love, your eyes, your kiss
All of the things that I miss
But I never made you stay.


Glances, chances, charm
Who knew they could bring such harm?
I left your spirit to soar.


Death, time, rotten,
Please leave me forgotten,
Think of me no more.

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It’s funny the way

People can make you feel

So is this feeling mine?

Or what you want to be real


You made me feel guilty

For wanting to leave

And for wanting to stay

So what will it be Steve?


I feel the guilt of her

Her presence weighs down on me

But through her

I’ve begun to see


The real you, the buried you

The part you kept concealed

The part of you

That I unknowingly revealed


I know there’s no taking it back

No way to be where we were

I uncovered your hate and jealousy

Your dependency – that’s for sure


And now I’m the blame for all of this

I am the one in the wrong

Maybe I am – maybe I couldn’t see

How your need could run so long


Straight through the heart of me

And back through my chest

You drove your need

Never giving me a moments rest


Now I want to leave who you’ve become

The you I helped create

For that I am so sorry

But it’s me who's begun to deflate


The weight of your guilt

To much for me to bare

And you’re driving me to a place

I don’t think Satan would go there


Leave now and take your heart

Please believe I never wanted to leave

Even though I’m going now

Remember I really did love you Steve



Written on

September 6, 2005

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This was written right at the end of my "marriage" with Steve. The other person I wrote about was his daughter, Kendra Elaine Swallows. I really do think that I loved him. Even though I know now that it would never work.

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