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Against Hidden Poems

We then Sojourned
to that paradise
in your mind.

Somebody said,
"It is earthly."

We then mourned
these bleak eyes
in my mind.

Somebody has said,
"Who's that somebody?"

We join the Excursion
so we fantasize
but never to find

this mystical point
of view, "Have we?"

There’s chow littered on the staircase floor.

I scramble to clean up the spill before it’s all consumed

By the cat that brought the family bad luck since the late spring.

Here I go, like I always do,

Holding my tongue on the job

While I hear you shout

While I hear you try to crush me

While I hear you goad me to scream.

It confuses me why an act of kindness and good intentions

Can wrought so much volatile sentiments.

I’ve been hesitant to feed the little one because I don’t know his tastes.

Never did I anticipate that her gluttonous habits are what triggers you.

Or is it he? Wow. Just wow.

Anger does wonders to the hippocampus.

My curiosity about how long you’ll live after that squabble fascinates me

But it concerns me at the same time.

Mad people live shorter lives than those that can stay calm when there’s an inconvenience.

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison.

Just today, while hitting the road, I thought we’d find common ground.

Keeping our cools while the mama cat is away

And a kitten comes out to play

Before it helps us seek four crystals in need of recovering.

When all that is done, I thought we’d go out for

Bagels and quiche for old time’s sake.

I enjoy the little interactions and activities when your temper is below zero.

Sadly, tonight once again broke the streak

That counted consecutive days we got along.

This always happens growing up, yet I never see it coming.

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison.

If you think the black cat is getting pudgy,

Why don’t you take a look in the mirror?

You’ve put on more pounds than she did.

Or he did? How did you get the genders mixed up in the heat?

I guess anger does wonders to the hippocampus.

You’re the reason why I have to keep my temper in check.

And why I prefer tears over beers.

All for the sake of my own well-being so I don’t turn out exactly like you.

Your temper is my poison and I won’t let it fester.

The only antidote to my ailment is knowing that I’ll be out of this roof

Happier than I was living under it just like I was for the past two years.

I know that as a guppy, Mother said to be considerate of you and

I was told that deep inside, you do care.

Sadly, it’s excruciatingly difficult for me not to judge this book by its cover.

I just can’t pry it open to see the pages no matter how hard I try to interpret your rage.

But if this little message hurts your feelings,

It’s a dish served hotter than the volcano in the back of your head.

To you, I’ve always been the stupid little boy you’ve been raising since thirty-two.

To me, you’ve always been the hot-headed scumbag that loves pushing my buttons.

And your temper is my poison. It will always be my poison no matter how old we get.

The dream, an early morning awakening.

Past and present merge.

I’m in an unfamiliar place,

Staring at a concrete intersection,

Searching for known landmarks,

Trying to establish which way to go.

Each road leads to confusion.

Isolation.

Echoes of childhood have vanished for ever,

The familiar buildings replaced by office blocks,

And I stand alone by the crossroads, lost and without purpose.

Dreams and shadows. Fragments chase each other as reality and fiction blur and time loses meaning.

Yesterday becomes confused with the more distant past, and the dead live and eat and talk.

Faces alter, although voices remain true. In a dream, two people can become one.

Dreams. A hidden furnace. Or a peaceful respite.

Important dreams. Less important ones.

Each night, everyone dreams, but only some people remember the dreams.

I was flipping

thru my papers & stuff

& I found a signed copy

of Richard Hell's book

The Voidoid.

He wrote,

"For George,

Stay George."

Well, I don't know

exactly what that means

but I can say this

I will stay George

because I don't know

any other way to be.

I have tried

to be different

I have tried 

to be other people.

It just leaves me flat.

I can never

actually pull it off.

I'm kinda stuck here

in this persona

which isn't actually a persona

but just who I am

which may not be much

but it's what I am

and I have come

to terms with that.

I've resigned myself

to being me

and nothing else

and no one else no one else.

I yam what I yam

to steal from a sailor

which is why

I am what I am

and nothing more.

The irreverence

has deleted

all fear of failure.

I don't try

to be anyone else.

I don't even try

to be myself anymore.

I just let it flow

au naturel.

I am quite certain

it'll be all right.

I have stayed George

with minimal effort

cuz if you really

get down to it

there isn't anything else

I ever could've been.

by Jeph Johnson

The Urban Dictionary has a definition of "toxic" that looks like it hits the nail on the head:

Used to describe a person who is tainted by a subconscious malevolence or psychosis that affects the lives of those who come into contact with them.

But upon deeper analysis consider the following:

1. How does someone subconsciously wish ill will towards another?

2. How does one not subconsciously disassociate from reality? Reality is the antithesis of subconscious.

One person's toxin is another's medication. Even too high of a dose of the much needed chemicals H2O can kill you, especially when that's all they're getting (it's called "drowning").

Or even air, as the band The Sweet so succinctly put it:

"Love is like oxygen
You get too much, you get too high
Not enough and you're gonna die" 

Each person requires different levels of chemicals, seldom does a relationship blossom where no toxicity is present. One must learn to combat the toxins the same way we wash our hands before we eat and avoid toxic situations like drunkenness or addictive drugs in order to live in harmony with all people.

People are not defined solely by the fact that certain elements of their being presents to YOU as toxic.

Yes, fleeing the toxin by cutting the person out of your life is often the recommended thing to do. But if the person you begin to recognize as "toxic" is also enriching your life, you eliminate the nutrients along with the toxins when you do that.

People aren't letters and numbers on a periodic table of elements. People are living, breathing, changing entities who deserve our compassion and (dare I say it?) our empathy.

Is it taking responsibility by eliminating a toxic person from your life?  Sure. It can be. But all you learn from doing that is how to run away.

It's easy to dismiss someone as "toxic" especially when others who've only heard the experiences through your filter recommend that. But suppose there are toxic elements present in your character too?

This is why couples counseling is so important. A neutral party can pinpoint the problems coming from both ends of the partnership.

No one person is completely toxic, just as no one person is completely non-toxic. 

In the animal kingdom different chemicals in some plants and animals are toxic to different species, where as to others they are perfectly benign.

Instead of always running away from the person consider that it may be the relationship itself that is toxic. Work on that first, because you still have the option of leaving at your disposal afterwards.

If you leave without resolving the relationship, all you've done is left a relationship (and likely torn apart another person) and you've little hope for reconciliation and/or making that relationship better (ie: less toxic). In fact I would add you've created more toxicity for certainly that relationship, but also for future relationships because you haven't worked on improving your relationship skills.

I do NOT recommend this tactic for anyone who is in physical danger or facing an unrepentant toxic person, in those cases it's best to leave.

But too often I see people cutting off a finger to eliminate a wart when all it would've taken was patience and some wart medication.

Then, if it still doesn't work out, you at least have a completely intact middle finger to hold high in the air!

by Jeph Johnson

Unintentional Gaslighting

I go through life with the attitude of thinking I'm right (until proven wrong). This generally isn't problematic until it conflicts with someone's opposing belief or way of doing something. Quite often, I simply let it go or shrug my shoulders. But other times the issue becomes a little more pressing and needs resolution.

When approaching the issue of conflict, I suppose I refuse to "let it go" more frequently than other people, and certainly more frequently than former partners of mine, so if you disagree with me and you're timid with your rebuttal, don't have good reasons for your opinions or are just plain introverted, the result will be suppressed communicative discourse between us, despite my most overt efforts at effective communication.

I'm always happy in my relationships, or else it quickly becomes not a relationship!

I have actually been told my more than one former lover that the problem with my communication style is that I make everything seem so logical.

Because my brain works so quickly doesn't mean it's working effectively. This manifests itself positively as a quick-wittedness, but negatively it means I demand your opinion so strongly that it can paralyze and stifle people into shutting down and not communicating.

My counter ruling opinion reads like a "statement of fact" to a person's half-hearted or missing response and certainly can appear as a form of Gaslight ing, so be forewarned! 

But gaslighting isn't necessarily wrong, it's just a character trait (flaw?) I must live with. I believe it's only wrong if done intentionally with malicious intent, but only you can be the judge of that.

My intentions are never to misrepresent something I feel is true. Indeed I am the one who feels like I'm being "gaslighted" or going crazy at times! Especially now in Trump's America! 

Contrary to popular belief, I can and do feel empathy. I do NOT label myself an empath however, because I tend to have the gift (or curse?) of being able to filter my empathy through my thoughts first.

Striding adroitly through the garbled air 

Never more dapper or debonair

Drawing the attentions of the curious 

Aloof, detachted, distinguished 

One impulse shy of normalcy

Again without accompaniment, as his own escort 

Too honest, too eccentric to play the dating games

Oblivious to the stares and murmurs of the fickle crowd

Destined for another date disaster

Onward into the din of the chattering herd

Keeping a safe distance from himself

No time for amenities, no chance of flirtations or temptations

No corsage to balance the embittered interiors

Wiser in resolve, from vows taken to never again feel 

Impervious to the possibility of romance

Undaunted and indifferent, 

Masterfully hiding the damage within

Knowing too well the ravages of love gone bad

Never again to experience the horrors of rejection

How many in your party, sir?

One, just one........

Very well, sir. This way..........

Table, table for one..........

ARE WE JUST A LOAD OF ATOMS   Artizan  2014 

Are we just a load of atoms

Or made of different flavours

Or electronically controlled

To show our strange behaviours

What shapes our personality

Is certainly in question

And if I act abnormally

It’s just my brain’s suggestion

So many theories of the psyche
It’s difficult to chose

Am I an intuitive extrovert

Or just get on people’s nerves

Some people may be quite reserved

And others rather brash

Who really knows the reason why 

Personalities tend to clash