Addiction
the choice
three decades ago and a couple of days I tried methampmetamine and it swept me away, if you would grant me oh lord that I could travel in time to go back to that day and perhaps change my mind would you be so kind? I know that the answer to that prayer is no, but the lord has an answer to his Word I must go, Paul writes in first corinthians chapter three verse sixteen that my body is God's temple and I must keep it clean, In this I have failed and defiled God's home to become like an orphan in the world all alone, I've betrayed the almighty and I know I've done wrong my friends and my family all of them gone.... my nights are so long, The drug was my demon with it's dust I did sin like a dog eats it's vomit again and again, seek though I may my own strenth from within this sin is a battle that alone I can't win, All that remains is the shame and the pain, a broken up heart, a spirit torn apart, just a soul in the dark...
ThoughtShock: A Manifesto Chapter 8
Journal Note; March 10th 2012 2:30am
“How pathetic was my death going to be. I had survived by sheer luck. My life was forfeit many times before in the past. Drugs, car crashes, and even a train. Close calls that I could all recite. Here I was seconds away from asphyxiation and all that could go through my mind was. Will this truly be the way I go out? Choking on food and Irony can be had in the moments of blurred vision as there was no pain.”
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I see death, riding that pale horse. In the form of a pill. A soul that had been damaged. A sweet sacrifice, a slow release. With addiction becoming a burden, it would be a lie to say I have not gazed within the abyss and saw my own horror show.
A grotesque carnival where I had became the sideshow. Bare witness to my morbid display, of every damn dream I murdered. Watch as I sell my soul once more.
I digress, allow me to slow my thoughts and let you catch on. Imagine the world flooded and people drowning in liquid gold. Hypocrisy, their greed and their ego. Their addiction. Not all dependencies are that of drugs or gambling, their vice could be money, drinking, sex, work, and in my case a few but mainly writing. I know that through the twisted and demented words, like a labyrinth my art reaches a person's soul. I help shape minds and open doors in the back of their head.
The euphoria of knowing that for all the hours spent working on a piece, that in the end, in that moment I created a masterpiece that will forever remain for as long as the written word. The closest to perfection from the chaos that is my mind.
Becoming my little guilty pleasure, My sin to indulge. Through all my demons the nastiest of them all resides on the tip of my tongue. Relishing in the climax of the tragedy that befalls my lips. The hardest barrier of them all is to admit my own talent. That I, in some slightest way have a hint of skill behind my destructive behavior. For do not be fooled that is my life I so proudly write about. Every demon, every thought felt and heard a trillion times over. With no escape from the mad clowns, with their wicked smiles.
I will always write, I have found it has become the only way to quiet the storm pounding in my brain. Thoughts like lightening buzzing around in a brilliant but chaotic light show. So I give in, let the tidal wave wash over me and allow the addiction to grow, yet like any addiction there comes a time when it becomes too much. I've been down a similar path with my addiction to pharmaceuticals. A swift road that will either lead to death or drug intervention and ignorance truly is no excuse in the Russian roulette for your life.
If I am not careful the message will become lost somewhere within the paragraphs of my words. My salvation will be fraught with loss if I fail to capture the emotion behind the meaning. I had often thought that once I accomplished my goal, my dream to get published. That it would get easier, not sure what would have gotten easier now when I think back on it. Still as painful to pull up a sentence as it was ten years ago. Still feeling helpless and powerless as I pour my soul out onto the paper. Readers do not see the tears being suppressed back as you fight to get word onto the paper. They do not hear the war drums beating in your mind, your hands shaking as you try and capture that emotion into a word, and a word that preferably rhymes. With a desire to make it your own, you twist the words to fit the tempo as you create a powerful symphony a living testimony to your thoughts and desires, the joyful and the sorrow. You paint a picture to that moment in your life, forever capture by your own point of view. To share that would be up to you.
scraping the scum from my boots
one line rhymes, played out a millions times
with a home run hitter, that leaves your taste bitter.
on my shoulder drooling in anticipation.
Yet in the madness I am the one sane
In the carnival of death, survival becomes the game”
hold tight and never let go
for tomorrow is not written, you never know
it might be your last night.
In death, the idea is to celebrate life.
The small miracles we all take for granted
where everyone believes I am just demented.
Fearing what they do not understand,
destroying what they cannot command.
Cannibalistic in nature.
Parasitic without a cure.
No conflict without opposition,
No contract without conversation,
and no destruction without creation.
As the circle of life spins, nobody wins.
Nobody gets behind, nobody jumps ahead
it is the game of life, we play until we are dead
danced with sorrow and understands strife.
Everyone has struggled to understand their place
bartered sin to flesh to feel safe
in the arms of another.”
Spiritual Failure
What do you do with this demon inside?
Just waiting to strike every time that you sigh
When you’re sad or lonely, stressed or confused
When you’re angry or mad or feeling abused
When you feel good why go back to the bad?
When the bad makes you sad and makes everyone mad
Why make bad good when you know that it’s not
Why cover your tracks when you know you’ll get caught
Then by just one selfish decision
Your life is in shambles due to your addiction
You lied to God, to yourself, and others
The devil has trapped you again and you’re smothered
So how do you act and do what’s right?
Do you sit and pray, do you run or fight?
And how can you trust someone in power?
When it seems like they too, sin every hour
Now I just feel like everyone lies
Like they’re fake and phony and wear a disguise
And not only them, I feel like I am
I disobeyed God and I truly hurt Him
So why do we do what we don’t want to do?
When we claim that we’re Christians and that we’re brand new?
Our flesh and our spirit is in a war
We must constantly feed the one we love more
Well, I love God very much and I know it
But sometimes my actions in life don’t show it
The demon inside is named addiction
It’s coming to kill me that is my prediction
But if I keep God first in my path
Then I will dodge it’s evil wrath
But I’m just human like everyone else
I’m no better I need God’s help
I need it bad and this I admit
That without God, I ain’t shit
My conscience eats at me when I sin
I never can live this way again
Life or death is a choice we choose
I choose life so that I won’t lose
Just show me how and keep me close
Cause You’re the One that I love most
So God forgive me and dust me off
Find me again because I am lost
Addiction
follow me as I'm about to get wicked
Russian roulette at the tips of my fingers
In this mad circus there are only hell bringers
Run, run little man, run, run till you can no longer stand
chase your fix, to get your kicks, the illusion is the trick
Addiction, a mental prescription, an emotional subscription
a slave to the obsession, till your staring down the barrel of that gun
and in that moment you realized you never had won.
hearts pounding, nerves shaking
as my reality starts breaking
The wall, coming in fast
as the rush never does last.
standing at the pillars of the lost
our sins bartered at the ultimate cost.
A confession before the devil, your own mimic
A perfect copy, no gimmick
The surprise comes when it speaks.
limitless possibilities bestowed to those who can create
often finds themselves favoring destruction and death
forcing themselves to live with a lifetime of regret.
So that the forests of sorrows, and the mountains of misery
shall remain their friends forever.”
to chase a star, the illusion to an endless war.
Her
Falling from grace at a fast pace
She lost her innocense a long time ago
U can see it on her face.
Too tired to live not ready to die
She tricks all night just to stay high
Her lost dreams are smothered In a alcaholic daze muffled by silent screams.and laughs that are half crazed.
If u ever see her on the track
Slow down, look in her eyes and see where she's at
She's just chasing that high
Not too different from u and I
Addiction
Cuz ima addicted to ur smile // addicted to da rain // addicted to ur love & addicted to da pain // addicted to da joking // addicted wen I'm insane // addicted to da day // becuz baby ur my Lois Lane // addicted to remembering // addicted to da fights // addicted to ur moaning // addicted to this night // addicted to da sheets // addicted to da treat // addicted wen u sing // addicted to this beat // addicted to ur eyes // addicted to da prize // addicted to ur heart /// addicted to da lies // addicted to da truth // addicted to our thoughts // addicted to u // & addicted to da lost // addicted to da struggle // addicted to da question // addicted to da freedom // & addicted to da lesson // addicted to da chance // addicted to da drug // addicted becuz // I'm addicted to us ~
.
Life is a Game
If life is just a game then i could never quit // cause to tell u the truth im addicted to this shit // to the RUSH to the drug that keeps my heart beating // im a FORCE UNLEASHED // untill the day that i would die i will always stay competeting // never feeding into the lies // most of the truth is in disquise // my heart was witness to so much evil even the DEVEL MAY CRY // but since i cant even shed a tear let it be known that i do not FEAR // so if u step in my BATTLEFIELD u would hear a BLOODY ROAR // cuz i will show no mercy like in SMACKDOWN VS RAW // I'll take my TEKKEN out & make it rain shooting a BULLETSTORM at ur face // so let me introduce u to my little friend as i give u a SCARFACE // turning on the GEARS OF WAR in the back of my mind and it'll take a SPLIT SECOUND to erase u from time // living ina BIOSHOCK world man who wouldnt go insane but im one step ahead injecting plasmids in my viens // fulfilling that NEED FOR SPEED high driving in every other lane // we're only DEAD OR ALIVE why? cuz we try to escape the chains // if u wanna be free then u need to step up ur game // no more pussy shit // for now on this is MORTAL KOMBAT // so i put my back to the past JUS CAUSE it can kiss my ass & im not a angel but i got a HALO on my head because before i wrote this rap they said hip hop was LEFT 4 DEAD.
.
My Precious Addiction
Today I saw you,
Carrying my coffee cup.
Once half full,
Until you drank it all up.
Our Precious addiction,
for a simple morning comfort.
While, you carry,
A spilled cup of loyalty,
and my lingering heart.
I keep you up all night,
and your mind will never rest.
Boy, you carried my coffee cup,
that metallic shade of green,
And yet, you walk right by me,
you always were so scene...
32%
As I stand here,
My grip tight around the slender neck
My friend, my comfort, my poison.
He screams,
Words digging under my skin.
I wish I could say
"Leave me"
The plea, choking me
"Leave me alone,
let me destroy myself in peace"