Regret ≠ Rape

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


Consent violations, predatory behavior, abuse and rape are all very serious matters.


Allegations of consent violations, predatory behavior, abuse and rape are also serious matters.


When someone accuses another of any of these heinous things, some very important actions are required by us, as a community of concerned players to happen.


The community must be extremely thorough in how we conduct our investigations. Being thorough is important to not only avoid falsely accusing someone without due process but also to avoid shaming the victim unjustly.


To neglect either would be tantamount to a new consent violation all its own.


It is my hope that by offering clearer definitions of what constitutes predatory behavior, rape, abuse, and consent violations, that this will prevent anyone who feels victimized from being misunderstood and so, when allegations are made, they are accurate. In turn this should help us pinpoint false allegations so no one falls victim to unjust hearsay.


Haphazardly revealing the names of suspected consent violators likely will halt the actions of some true offenders, but we as a community of players who pride ourselves on honesty and truth need to be as thorough as possible when doing so. This needs to be done to prevent as few false accusations from being levied as possible.


One way to go about this is if someone lodges an accusation, and the accused person is willing to cooperate, they should be allowed to share their side of the story before their name is revealed. Of course, if the accused is uncooperative or unrepentant, then we as a community have an obligation to reveal the person's name.


Everyone exploring kink in the shadows and outside the protective influence of the community's watchful eyes are put in danger. But our watchful eyes need to be watching the right things.


Simply naming names without additionally educating the community is also dangerous for it keeps the uneducated underground where accepted methods of properly engaging in kink openly and consensually are remiss.


"But isn't that the way BDSM is supposed to be?"


The above quote is paraphrasing a recent post a newbie made regarding an encounter she had with someone she just met. According to her story, this "Dom" sent her a well-crafted "I'm the Dom, so you do what I say" message that included the manipulative warning "if you safeword, you will not be allowed to play with me again."

Consequently, she said that he beat her well beyond what many felt a newbie's limits would have been. Many in the local community felt she was lucky to escape alive.


Promoting a more sex positive and BDSM aware culture to everyone is imperative to educate newcomers to what it is that we do (WIITWD) as well as to prevent predators from exploiting a newbie's ignorance.


Therefore I feel the BDSM community needs to continue to be proactive in promoting the rights and responsibilities of play negotiations.


This includes understanding you and your partner's intentions. This means, among other things, asking what is desired out of the scene and/or partnership.


There is also a need to confirm you and your partner's consent. This means clearly describing what is to be done, both of your expectations, as well as confirming that the partner has as little apprehension as possible.


It is also extremely important to be respectful of your partner's boundaries. Just as important is to state clearly your own boundaries.


Players need to communicate the importance of aftercare, as well as the likely need for moral and physical support afterwards. This applies to both top and bottom.


Stressing the importance of safewords and in-scene communication both for you and your partner is also tremendously important, as reflected in the following quote by Janet Hardy, author of The New Bottoming Book:


"It is tremendously important that we as a community build a safeword culture. Bottoms have to hold up their share of that responsibility; a bottom who refuses to safeword when he or she has actually withdrawn consent has just turned me into a rapist or assailant without my consent, and that is not OK."


In doing these things, it is essential that we empower newcomers to BDSM with the knowledge that all players have the right to withdraw consent any time for any reason during a scene. They need to be informed that this is not only a right but it is also a responsibility for them to do so if there is any chance the continuation of the scene will cause physical, emotional or mental injury or discomfort afterwards.


This is where it gets very tedious. How does a person know if they are going to suffer after the fact?


Frankly, we don't. This is why communicating and being on the same page with your play partner is so important.


Top drop, sub drop, wrist pain, back pain, soreness, infection, scarring, STDs....there are many potential unforeseen "after the fact" consequences of WIITWD discomfort which we accept as just par for the course. 


The after-effect of regret is not often addressed but it is just as prevalent and just as much a concern. When regret is felt by one partner, it is extremely important that the other partner is there for support and comfort. It is also very important for the partner feeling regret to not place blame onto the partner.


Once again, communication is essential. Sometimes the partner feeling regret also feels shame and due to that, there can be additional complications with the flow of communication.


If after a hard scene the bottom feels like she has been raped or abused, it doesn't necessarily mean that is what has occurred. It is imperative that the situation is analyzed to see if consent was given or a crossing of agreed to boundaries were crossed.


As crass as it may sound, the best edgeplayers would pride themselves on the fact that their consensual-nonconsent, degradation and/or humiliation scenes were "feelings-wise" tantamount to being raped or abused. And the bottom's that crave that sort of feeling would want nothing less.


Keep in mind when I use the term "acceptable behavior" I use it loosely. It is only acceptable in our own little BDSM world, it is not acceptable to society at large...for in most places, WIITWD is illegal.


Like the term "safe sex", there is no truly safe way to practice BDSM. Only safer, more accepted ways. This doesn't mean that if you choose the more accepted way, you will never be falsely accused, but it does help assure the practitioner of these activities will have a clearer conscious and a more defensible argument if any questionable encounters or incidents occur.


Every BDSM activity is unacceptable if negotiation and consent are not included.


Yes, humiliation play becomes bullying, S&M becomes assault and battery and sex becomes rape.


Accurately articulated consent and a healthy respect for boundaries are the basic precepts of WIITWD. Therefore, these powerful actions that elicit such emotion should not be relabeled with such vehemently accusatory definitions (rape, abuse, predatory behavior) unless a violation of declared consent or a crossing of a stated boundary occurs. It just isn't fair to the one getting blamed.


If we allow false allegations to be levied based simply on a person's regret, everyone who has ever regretted having sex or has ever regretted participating in an impact play scene has a valid argument that they have been raped or abused.


I believe this to be insulting to all BDSM players, but especially to anyone who has truly suffered and survived the atrocities of rape and abuse.


Author's Notes/Comments: 


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