My name was Sarah Anne

Pain and Heartache

Dear Internet at large,


  My name is Sarah Anne, I turned seventeen three days ago, and I have cancer. That is the extent that you need to know about me. For almost all of my life, I have never had a boyfriend nor have I ever been in love. Four months before my birthday I believed I had finally found it. However, now I believe I may have just been subjecting myself to fantasies of grandeur. I just want to explain my story before all of this is over. I would appreciate it if you would listen but I have no control over your actions.



 Seven months ago from this day exactly was the day I found out, that I had cancer I mean. I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday. My father cried his eyes out at the thought of losing me, he hadn't cried since my mother's funeral last year. I remember trying to explain to him that having cancer doesn't necessarily mean I will die, when the doctor halted my speech. He told me with a look of grave pity in his eyes, that in my case however it did. 

  Perhaps, dear reader, you could understand my frustration. I was only sixteen and found out that, inevitably, I was going to die. I listened vaguelly as the doctor told my father I had less than a year to live... 9 months if I were lucky. My head was clouded with angry thoughts. How could this happen to me? I've never done anything wrong. Had God turned his back on me? Surely, he hadn't.... right? What about everything I've never gotten to do? I've never been in love, I've never been in a relationship, I've never even kissed a boy. What about my friends? Would they miss me at all? Should I even tell them? As soon as I thought it, I knew that I wouldn't. I couldn't walk with them knowing deep inside their heads they pity me.

  I was forced to spent the next month watching my father gaze at me with his eyes full of despair. I often snapped at him saying I'm not dead yet and he shouldn't look at me as if I were. He burst into tears after that and I immeadiately felt horrible.

  I walked throughout the school looking at everyone. I saw all of these happy couples. I saw people talking about prom next year. I saw them sneaking kisses when they thought no one was looking. I saw all of this and yet all I felt was envy. I often wished someone else was in my place. I realize now that this was wrong. No one deserves the pain my body endured lately, not even my worse enemy.

 I sat in class, staring blankly out of the window and the teacher thankfully ignored me. She knew what was going to happen to me... all of my teachers knew. Someone pulled up a chair next to me causing me to look over. I cut myself off from everyone... even my friends, no one sits next to me. But there he was, sexy in a nerdy kind of way with tousled hair and horn-rimmed glasses. He smiled warmly at me, ignoring the fact that I scowled back. His name was Daniel.

  Long story short, Daniel followed me around constantly, insisting that I should give dating him a try. Five months ago was the day I reluctantly agreed. He took me many places always making sure I enjoyed myself. I was happy when I was with him and often forgot I was going to die. He just had that sort of affect on me. By the time a month had passed... I knew I was already hopelessly in love. I couldn't tell him that though, I hadn't even told him I had cancer, I convinced myself I would though. There aren't many things I can tell you about the time we were together. Though he was gorgeous he was extremely shy. It took a month and a half before he could even work up the nerve to kiss me.

  On our anniversary, three months of dating and five months since the day I found out I was going to die, something amazing happened... we made love. It was the most glorious thing I could ever imagine doing with my body. Once we finished, I cried and didn't stop crying. I am sure this all confused Daniel, maybe even frightened him, all he did was hold me until my sobs ceased. He asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him... I didn't want to ruin this.

  Two weeks ago, I finally worked up the courage to tell him. We walked through the neighborhood park and sat beneath the shade of a tree. The sun was out and blazing but I would have begun to sweat without it. I was afraid of how he would react to this but I couldn't hold it in any longer. So I told him, and he reacted exactly how I thought he would only ten times worse. He accused me of using him, making him fall in love with me when I knew I was going to die. I admitted as much because being around him made me happy and forget that I was going to die. He glared at me claiming I infected him. I told him this was stupid, cancer isn't contagious. This only made him angrier and he stormed away from me.

  He told everyone at school, now I can't avoid their pitying looks. He doesn't speak to me or answer when I call, he won't even look at me. I feel like a monster deep inside my heart. What makes it worse is the pain is setting in. The doctor explained this may happen when my body is starting to give up and die. Can heartbreak fuel and early death? I'd like to think so....

  Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to live in a world without love. I wanted to experience all I was missing and I did. Dating, kissing, sex, love, and eventually heartache. As you read this, I am dead.... I killed myself because the pain was too much, both physical and emotional. But please, Dear reader don't forget me. Remember my name was Sarah Anne.



And to Daniel:


Happy Anniversary


Author's Notes/Comments: 

Okay so while writing this I teared up a little. It may not be well written but it gets my point accros I believe. We all struggle to experience it all so quickly as if our lives are slipping away. Also that just because lying is easier doesn't mean its okay. Please read and enjoy :)

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nightlight1220's picture

Is the point that you

Is the point that you shouldn't lie and say you're someone in a story you write? I am confused not at the story...I loved the story. But at your remark about the lying. Personally, I think lies happen. It is no reflection on the one lied to, and sometimes not even for the liar. We all lie...and those who say they don't...are lying!! Crazy... LOL. Life is crazy.

...and he asked her, "do you write poetry? Because I feel as if I am the ink that flows from your quill."

"No", she replied, "but I have experienced it. "


DazedByLife's picture

It is true that lied happen

It is true that lied happen but what I was referring to was like lying about more serious things to someone you claim to care for. Like in the story, knowing you are dying and hesitating to tell someone is lying in a eay...