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sat atop a hill of my own creation
a pile of memories and refuse
the mountain of my own damnation
hands; moss covered from disuse

like trails of tears on ruddy flesh
crystals of salt divide the path
unpassable peaks enshrouded in mesh
lifeless bodies; an aftermath

peering down from the summit of my undoing
these eyes can finally see the truth
The air is thick with the storm thats brewing
the tangled whispers of wasted youth

a crown of twisted, rusted metal sits atop my head
dominion over my own land of crumpled, broken bone
trying hard to pull my subjects with a tattered thread
the people don't stray close to here for fear of being stoned

the sun still lights the terrain, horizon
weeping, I clear the way
desperately, making space to wizen
alas, lonely still I lay

The wall

These words strike this wall. And fall to the ground in a pile.

Doing nothing, no damage at all. Still I write, and speak all the while.

They change nothing, have no effect. At least if they do, it's none I can detect.

But I pour them out, along with a prayer. Those are much stronger, they'll chip a layer.

I need new ones, ones never spoken. These can't show my love, this language is broken.

 Maybe ones I have, perhaps in the right order. Finally break this wall, crumble the mortar.

I feel so small, and this pile is so deep. Still I clear it away, and start a new heap.

This barrier so strong, thick tall and wide. But I'll never give up, this can't be denied.

See I know this wall, and what waits behind it. If you saw it like I do, you'd know I can't quit.

I have to get through, and mend what I've torn. Show Im a new man, that I've been reborn.

Change took too long, but God it's here now. This I must prove, Lord please show me how.

You think I'm the Mason, I made it this thick. No I didn't build it, but I did mold the brick.

I'll never break through it, it won't come apart. I see this now, but there's hope in my heart.

If I can't go through,  I'll just have to climb. I dust off my hands, I've made up my mind.

I take hold, finding the cracks. I think I'm half way, but I'm scared to look back.

But I never looked forward, to see how far it is. I had faith in myself,  knew I could do this.

Of course I slip and fall, back down to my knees. It's help that I lack, why couldn't I see.

I'll call upon God, I'll take him with me. But I just fall again, how can this be?                         

So folding my hands, I pray once again. Lord I'm clearly lost, don't know where to begin                  

“You can't take me with you, or shout down a wall. You come with me, and you'll never fall”

He said this to me, though through a man's voice. I'll follow these words, I have no choice.

That wall isn't so bad, it gives her protection. And if I've cracked it, it's beyond my detection.

His word as my sword, and his hand I've found. No need to go over, he'll lead me around.

And on the other side, she sits needing mending. I give her the truth, no more pretending.

We walk with him, or this won't work at all. But if we both take his hand, he won't let us fall.

Walking away, both holding his hand. We set out to rebuild, with him I know we can.

I look back one last time, I see rubble no wall.  What I couldn't scratch,  he had simply made fall. 

..........

(photo from lightworkers.org)

he feels dejected,

grim, down-in-the-mouth,

mirthless, mournful, 

moody and droopy,

dragged, trite,

and nothing is right, 

anguished, forlorn,

woeful in the depths of despair.

he tries to think 

of sweetest memories,

but as he casts his 

grappling hook to 

secure his ascent

over the walls he's built,

the rope becomes 

frayed and breaks.

the weight of his 

guilt has grown too 

ponderous, and his

spine too soft to

bear the rigors 

of the climb that he

now sees he must 

journey on his own.

sinking deeper into

his abyss he struggles 

to remember something 

other than this limbo

of darkness and dread,

the disbelief of this reality

he fails again and again

to overcome, and desperation sets in.

clinging to old feelings,

and the desire for a love 

long gone, he withers

in a sea of hopelessness,

and every good memory

takes him back to the 

bottom of this wallowing 

pit of sorrow and pain.

people pass by,

some with compassionate

flurries of empathy

that quickly ferment to feed 

the destruction of any 

aspirations for change,

and the nature of his misery

flourishes unto his bitter end.

he thought she was his world,

and now she's gone,

moved on to another dimension

on the wings of a dove,

to blaze new trails without him,

but his mind cannot accept

that was the whole purpose of 

their meeting in this life.

she came to prepare him

for this dark night of the soul,

and his task is to overcome it,

he listens for her voice

to soothe him as it did before,

and the scorching fires of 

truth that strip his soul naked

have left him angry and inflexible.

and when he sleeps, 

she watches 

through timeless portals,

the man she left behind, 

and wonders 

if he'll ever pass

the test 

of this lifetime.

he doesn't seem 

to understand her whispers in the dark,

he only understands the love they had so long ago,

he's trapped in something 

only he can bring unto an end,

or wander in his denial, his heart never to mend,

for unbeknownst to him this lifetime is his only chance

for them to ever have another lifetime in this dance.

11:41 PM 8/7/2013  ©

..............

I really do want to believe it's all here,

That it's real, and that it is as great as everyone thinks it is,
Strong and indestructable,

Powerful with meaning and substance,

So that I too, exist here, but why?
These objects made of wood, steel and concrete, glass and fibers,
Clawing an scratching at my spirit day and night,
Begging for my touch to make them real,
And walls, walls, walls, that separate,
Real as this figment of my own imagination
Who I call myself, the existential being I believe I am,
The objects speak in tongues,
And languages unheard of
But understood with senses forbidden
And cast away from what man has deemed to be 'real',
And objects, material objects, jumping out at me,
Talking teapots, spoons and candlesticks,
From stories out of the depths of another's inner world,
Jumping into my world! How dare they come without knocking!
What is it they want? What are they asking?
"We are here just like you", they said,
"Why do you want to be here?"
So I replied, "Why do I want? Maybe I should just be!"
And so from then on I began to just be.

In case I should ever again need a shrink,
I shall first consult the kitchen sink.

4:21 AM 4/18/2013 ©

I know your fears
Your tears
When you think no-one’s around
And break down under the façade
The mask you use to hide yourself
I am there, my hand outstretched
But you do not see it
You cannot see it
Do you not know
The walls you’ve built are a one way mirror?
I can see in, but you cannot see a way out
The gates you built to protect you are enclosing around you
Can’t you feel their pressure?
Can’t you hear my voice?

I see the past pain
Engraved by your own hands
On your arms and legs
I see the fear you have
That someone can look past your shadows
And see you
A little girl with tears in her eyes
Trying desperately to be brave

I can see you

And all this time, you thought it infatuation perhaps?
Why I stay around
Why I care
Why I’m always there
Why I support you
Why I pray for you
It’s not a passing craze on my part
It’s love
And because of that, I want to see you reach for the stars
To become better than you are now
To heal the scars that just won’t go away
To find the strength to fight another day
I don’t care if you love me back
I don’t care if you feel indebted
Forget it
Because this isn’t about me
I live through you
Can’t you feel it?

Timidly I steal a look

Peeking around my walls

Seeing if it’s safe

Wondering if I have the balls

To step out and love

A man to have and hold

He’s waiting for me somewhere

At least that’s what I’m told

So I stick my head out

All I see is shit flying

I look for a way to stop it

Curious if it worth trying

I wave my white flag

I know I can’t win this fight

So I start seeking my trowel

I need to build while there’s light

~Chrystal

Written on

November 16, 2007

Flowers for Tina

I hear you crying so softly
Your voice echoing in my dreams,
I see thru this extruded shell
A wall of suppression, it seems.
The tainted breath by which you take
As you censor watchful eyes,
This dark silhouette you've chosen to embrace
Yes, we hear your fateful cries!
Cloaked and guarded from friend and foe
To stave off close intrusion,
Your soul your own, uncompromised
To perpetuate seclusion.
Only graced by a first name given
She refrained to divulge the last,
My memories keep me near to her
This, 'Fairy.. from the past!

                 by Barry Anderson