spiritual

Red Pill

 

The dawn of a night,

An eclipse of the sun.

Giant spectacles of power,

Here, where life has begun.

 

There's a hum to the world,

You can only feel in your heart.

An understanding and knowledge,

That will set you apart.

 

A drive to fulfill,

To learn all you can.

The mysterious, the unexplained,

Secrets hidden by man.

 

Like ashes of cloud burst,

Falling thick in your hands,

Lies the power of all heaven,

Made manifest in this land.

 

As night slowly lifts

The crow, on the hour

Comes the tempest, the winds,

Held tight by your power.

To unleash the unknown,

To set fevers a fire;

A revolution has come,

Our world, much too dire.

 

This calling resounds,

To those with the will

To come out of the shadows,

To take that Red Pill.

 

Like a beacon of light,

Drowned in a tempest's wild holler,

It seems almost hopeless,

Why should we bother?

 

I don't know about you,

But for myself, I'll agree

Sometimes it's easier,

To pretend you don't see.

 

But eyes be blind,

While ears don't hear.

Heart's can't lie,

And the mind breeds fear. 

 

I hold out my hands,

I put the call out.

Will I hear a reply?

I know without doubt.

 

 

 

 

The Call

I call in the muses & the music

I call in the magic, its form in its purest

I call in the Angels & the Saints

I call out to Heavens' Pearly Gates

 

I hear you calling from far away

Sending me dreams thought forgotten, of yesterday

I call in the joy, I remember the pain

And suddenly I would give anything, to relive it again.

Woe begotten, still forgotten,

these precious dreams of yesterday

I feel you calling, a tug on my skin

I look in the mirror and see something within

A sparkle, a light, that gives a quick fright

Then sudden and spoken, the spell still unbroken

I see you within, calling my name.

You smile and you grin, you're always the same.

 

"Look UP

Look Over

Change Your Point of V

                                   I

                                            e

                                                   w"

So thinking a thought, I hadn't thought before,

I felt a rush & a wind, and it opened a door.

A door filled with light, hope, sound and song

I knew in my heart, this was the place I belonged.

 

This was my moment, my final test.

I closed my eyes tight and took a deep breath.

Thinking my thought, I had never thought before

I held it before me, as I walked through the door.

Here I am now, in this place of calm and of light,

Wondering why it took so long, to finally get it right.

 

Throwing worry aside, and bitterness to the winds,

Fate guides my hand now,

                                    as new life

                                                    begins.

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Well, it's been really hard trying to get out anything that makes any sense! lol, so in the end I had to try and concentrate on one feeling, and this is what came out :) It was kind of fun though... i kept hearing it like a song in my head, and it was a little distracting, lol. Thank you everyone, for all your wonderful love and support!!

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SPIRITUALLY FOUND OR LOST?

Folder: 
spirituality

Spiritually found or lost?

 

Spiritually found or lost?
In a haze of material gain
A system foisted upon us
By the bloodlines of cain

 

Without any thing blocking the view
Can find yourself spiritually
But the material world; walls abound
Without, all connected you and me

 

We are all connected spiritually
Yet most cannot see

Blinded by the current system
Designed to spiritually steal

 

The truth sets you free
But we are all free to choose
Laziness can undoubtedly
Stop you, from finding out the truth

 

And keep your attention with
Others that don't deserve it
Please give attention to yourself
like Loreal, you are just so worth it

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Change

I see the forebodeing coast
This storm is one i've seen coming longer than most
It will be a shock
The plot will manifest and soon the clock may stop
But not for us
Just the thought is ridiculous
They are the few, We are the many
How many willing hearts?
I see many
But no matter how challenging or slippery the steep
No matter how cold or warm the water's inner most deep
We are no longer afraid and asleep
Awaken we have
The Lion finally refuseing the path
We can see that
We're it leads
Its so shocking its almost funny
Killing one another over un-backed money
This Control System must end
It will
It has a finite life
Real life never ends
It doesnt need to hide or lie in order to pretend
It simply lives, breathes, and plays with anything it sees
Regardless of the quiet vices that hold us in subtlety
We are unique, wild, beautiful and free
The time is right to take it back
Thats what sounds good to me
But before I close my eyes and wait
For the gorgeous mystery of my dreamscape;
Just know its never too late
To take the eggshell of fear and give it a break
Literally of course is the course
Typing and speaking until my skin coarse and voice hoarse
Imprisonment or freedom?
We have the power
The choice is yours

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Christmas

Folder: 
Spiritual

CHRISTMAS

Christmas day is here and
All the children are in joy
It is the time for Christmas tree
And for Christmas decorations
Every one is happy and bright
Because Christmas is here.

Christmas bells are ringing
And the children are happy
To share their presents lovingly
With their friends and family

Christmas day is in their heart
With full of fun, and happiness
They waited serenely for a year
To share their joy on Christmas

Christmas bells are ringing
Children are happy and singing
Here comes the Santa Claus with a bag
Full of toys and presents for the children
To have a good time on Christmas day.

© Adikaran 15/12/09

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tags:

From Energy to Ego

Folder: 
Volume Three

Ghosts whispers tales of sorrow,
the regret leaves a trail of horrors
It's hard to believe the egos of some
while others are just plain dumb.
This life is your trail by fire,
as humanity is something to admire.
Beauty within, starts at your conscious to begin.
Question everything. Stardust to a living breathing being.
The universe is our home, where energy is free to roam.

Heroes have died. The ego has pride.
The saints are gone and the angels have cried
out of the darkness, straight from the abyss.
It's sad for it is the little things you miss
Heaven and hell, words not a cell.
Punishable by your own thoughts and convictions,
Judges by your own creation
for in this life, reality is of your own manifestation.
Choice and action, Your influenced reaction.

Beyond any of this, there is but only a wish
however the truth is we will never know
what happens after death until we ourselves go.
Faith is such a tricky word; to believe.
That at least once our hearts and minds will be deceived.
To know god, is to know your perception will be flawed.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

The Ego is important as it defines our vary individuality, however unchecked it could become the vary thing that destroys you.

The World Turned Upside Down

Folder: 
ThoughtShock


(From 'ThoughtShock; A manifesto' Chapter 13)

 

Chapter Thirteen

'The World turned Upside Down'

 

Epilogue “My oh my

              My oh my, look at what we've done.

Found ourselves a pretty little gun.

Towards the heavens we looked, as we squeezed the trigger.

 

          My oh my, barely holding onto what we have left.

Still searching for god during our dieing breath.

Picking up these pieces, of these shattered reasons

memories and dreams of that perfect season.

 

You only lose; surrender when it is then you chose not to stand.”

 

                 The king is dead, as we believe every word that's said

and through the fires we shall walk among the liars.

We seem to have forgotten what this life is really about,

and you wonder why, I want to call you all out.

We see no evil, but can't resist being deceitful.

 

              My oh my, there is so much more than what we see.

A universe within a universe is that really so hard to believe?

Courage can no longer be found in a world built in sin.

Cruelty feeds evil in this game I am determined to win.

The devil will kick me while I am down,

it will be my own doubts that will keep me bound.

Chained to failure it will become a trophy

Look deep and you shall see its my apathy.

Caged within a society, who has a depraved mentality.

Epilogue “The world turned upside down

 

Journal Entry;

November 16th 2012

 

                          Nothing seems to make sense anymore. As if chaos were knocking at our door and I want no part of your insanity, fueled by greed and vanity. Where corruption is often rewarded and somehow truth is abhorred. We live in a world where valor has been slain and conditioned at birth to not even use your brain.

As the tides have shifted, as the deceptions get more twisted and even more wicked. With so much that has already gone wrong. I often wonder if this is truly where I want to belong. Where are the angels, where are those saints? In an age of knowledge god is not the only one who creates. By our hands we have the ability for such beauty, and by our hands the blood soaks so much travesties.

 

                        The only creatures that can think outside of the box. The only creatures to seek peace by talks. Though we choose violence to convey sympathy. An eye for an eye mentality and still too blind to simply see. That through the madness, when the dust settles. We will find ourselves on the other side of the battles.

I find myself wanting to fade away, why survive when hope seems to have left this day. Left stranded out in the freezing rain, an entire world drowning in suffering and pain. Desperately struggling just to survive, just to remain. We become the storytellers to the children, unfortunate that the lessons taught is the result of our sin.

Cowards will always hide behind the lies, their trickery makes for a perfect disguise. This is the world that is being shaped. The world you helped create. It's a world built on greed and hate yet never forget that this life is and always will be what you make.

 

 

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

I was really starting to doubt myself again, until well this started brewing in my mind. I was really pleased with the way this came out, and I bet you all forgot about my book "ThoughtShock"

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Heads I stay, Tails I go

Folder: 
Books

Heads I stay, Tails I go

Chapter one

 

Just another day

Should be no different
than any other day
in my life.

 

It shouldn’t have been,
but it was.

 

It was all too different.

 

What I didn’t,
couldn’t know
was that,
at the same time,

this day would
turn out to be
all too different
from every other day
of my seventeen years of life.

 

Nothing could have
prepared me for
this day.

 

Nothing.

 

 

Chapter two

 

I got an early rise.

I woke up at 5 a.m.,
not exactly sure
what woke me up.

 

Unable to get
back to sleep,
I got up
and sat outside

on my balcony.

 

It was a nice,
cool, summer morning.

 

I watched as the sun
s l o w l y
crept up into the sky,

Coloring it like
a morning rainbow.

 

I would do this
whenever I would wake up
and couldn’t get
back to sleep.

 

I would stay there,
just watching the sun rise,
until my mom and my sister
woke up.

 

That’s when I’d
start getting ready
for my day.

 

 

Chapter three

 

I heard my family
waking and getting up,
so I got up,
stretched,
and then went back inside.

 

I slid out of my
light purple lacy
pajamas that have
black polka dots.

 

Dropping them to the floor,
I walked over to my dresser,
and got my
purple running bra,
my purple running socks,
and my black running shorts.

 

I quickly got them
all on and then I
went and grabbed my
black and purple running shoes
that have purple laces,
from under my bed.

 

I sat down on the floor
and slipped them on,
tying the laces tightly enough
that they were snug on my feet,
but not too tight.

 

I got up and grabbed my
bright purple running shirt
with built in reflective material,
from the closet,
slipping it on as I walk
to my bedroom door to open it.

 

I stop and look at myself in the purple
24” by 24” mirror that is hanging
on the back of my bedroom door.

 

I can’t help
but laugh at myself,
I bet anyone can tell
that my favorite color is purple.

 

 

Chapter four

 

If someone had
told me a month ago
that I would like running
early in the morning,
I would have laughed in their face.

 

But I do like it,
even when my knees
are acting up.

 

I got into running when
I tried cross country.

 

It was fun at first, but
I have asthma and
for the first time since
I was very young,
I had asthma attacks.

 

Then my knees started to hurt
after I got kicked
in the ankles playing soccer.

 

After a few days of
my ankle hurting,
my right knee
started hurting so badly
that I could barely walk.

 

I was told, by a doctor,
that I had dislocated
my knee cap slightly,
but they couldn’t
do anything for it.

 

It doesn’t hurt
all the time now,
but it acts up
every once and a while.

 

So, after the season,
I quit cross country
but I still like to run,

 

just at my own pace.

Today, though,
everything feels great,

 

I don’t feel any pain.

 

I’m ready to run!

 

 

Chapter five

 

My sister and I have a good relationship.
We’re really close.

 

I’d do almost anything
for her,
even if it could get
me hurt.

 

This morning,
as I’m leaving my room
I glance at the clock.

 

It’s 7:05 a.m.

 

I’m a few minutes late getting started.

I usually start running
at 7 a.m.

 

 

Chapter six

 

I hurry down the stairs
and into the kitchen.

 

I grab a piece of
white bread out of
the closet pantry,
and pop it into the toaster.

 

As I wait
I do some stretching.

 

I do some lunges,
some jumping jacks,
several back bends,
and a couple of arm reaches.

 

My sister comes in
and gets her cereal bowl
from the cabinet,
the 2% fat free milk
from the fridge,
the box of Kix,
her favorite cereal,
and her favorite cereal bowl.

 

The bowl has pigs all over it,
each of them with
a different facial expression.

 

She smiles over at me.

 

She's so used to me stretching 

in random places,

that it doesn't even surprise her anymore.

She sets the bowl on the kitchen table,
pours the milk,
and then the cereal,
into her bowl.

 

My toast finally pops up,
and I grab it.

 

I quickly eat it,
and then make sure
that I drink a decent
amount of water.

 

I go to the steps
and call up to my mom,
“Mom, I’m heading out for
my run! I’ll be back,
at the most,
in an hour!

 

I love you!”

 

She answers,
“Okay, be safe!
I love you, too!"

 

 

Chapter seven

 

I walk over to
my sister who has sat down
at the kitchen table,
and is eating her cereal.

 

I give her a small side hug,
and kiss her
on the top of her head.

 

I tell her, “I love you, Izzy”.

She smiles up at me,
a milk mustache
on her upper lip.

 

“I love you too, Catalina!”

 

Isabelle is fourteen years old,
and has long brown hair
with several strands of blond.

 

Isabelle’s hair gets bleached
by the sun over the summer,
and it stays blondish during the year.

 

She also has very pretty green eyes.

 

She’s about 5”4’,
I’m only 5”.

 

Unlike her,
I am short,
have shoulder length
brown hair,
with hazel colored eyes.

 

I head out the door.

 

 

My morning run.

 

It’s the part of my day
that is mine, and mine alone.

 

 

Chapter eight

 

When I run,
I feel like
nothing can touch me.

 

Like I am the only one
in the world.

 

Once I get
into the rhythm,
any pain in my body
would just disappear.

 

I can get into
a mode where
everything around me
seemed to become a blur,
and all I see
is the path in front of me.

 

 

Chapter nine

 

After I shut the
front door behind me,
I start running.

 

Slowly at first,
but gradually
getting into a comfortable stride.

 

Not too fast,
but not too slow.

A nice pace,
running on the edge of the road.

As I run,
I lock into this view.

All I’m aware of is the pounding,
POUNDING of my feet
against the ground,

My heart beating fast,
thu-thump, thu-thump,
thu-thump.

I lose all sense of time.

Chapter ten

I have no idea
how long I’m like that,
but suddenly I hear a motor,
and see a navy blue blob to my left,
and it’s coming
right at me.

I turn my head,
and panic sets in.

Oh crap! Car!

Chapter eleven

Everything changes.

I don’t feel much pain,
just a single burst,
and then it’s gone.

I blink and look down at myself,
I look fine,
although, I am about
ten feet away from
where I was when
I was hit by the car.

I look up a little,
and see a body in the road.

Confused, I get closer.

The body is lying on the ground,
the neck is at a really weird angle.

The head has a deep cut,
and I watch in horror as the short brown hair
slowly turns a tint of red.

The navy blue car is
stopped a few feet
from the body.

I look at the body,
and cautiously move closer to it.

When I look down at the body,
I let out a cry of horror!

It’s MY body!
So… that means…
I’m dead?

I see a man
stumble out of the car,
staggering a little.

He stumbles over
to my body,
in its spot in the street.

“Shit, oh shit!”
the man slurs,
“I’m so dead…
no…
not if no one knows I was here!”

He stumbles backwards,
away from my body,
lumbering back towards his car.

Chapter twelve

Is he going to just leave?

Just drive off,
and leave me there,
dead…?

I won’t let him do that!
If he thinks that
he can just go
and run off,

he’s got another
thing coming!

I take off after him,
and as soon as
the jerk reaches
out for his door,
I reach out,

and my hand
passes right through him!

Chapter thirteen

Panic washes over me.
This cannot be happening!

He’s going to get away!

Then no one will
know who killed me,
and he could
kill someone else!

I don’t know
what to do!

It’s not like there
are books on
how to catch your killer,

or how to communicate
with people
when you’re dead!

Chapter fourteen

Suddenly, Mr. Drunk
slurs out something
that makes my blood boil.

“Stupid bitch!
She shouldn’t
have been running
in the damn road!”

That made me very mad!

There weren’t
any sidewalks
along this road!

So, yea, of course
I was in the damn road!

He opens the
driver’s door
to his navy blue
Mazda Rx-8.

At that exact second,
my anger boils over.

Chapter fifteen

Sometimes anger helps.

I reached out and shoved my hands,
as hard as I could,
against the man’s back.

This time,
my hands connect
with his body
and he slams
into his car door,
effectively closing it.

Mr. Drunk spins around
as quickly as a
drunk man can.

He looks around
trying to find his assailer.

I stare at my hands,
and quickly make
a mental note
of the sensation
of my anger,
for future use.

Chapter sixteen

I have no plan,
no clue on how
to keep this jerk here
until someone alive comes.

If I could,
I’d be crying,
but I guess
when you’re dead
it’s not possible to cry.

Mr. Drunk has
stopped looking around
for his attacker,
and starts to turn
back around to
open his car door back up.

I focus on my
anger and frustration,
and I shove him back
up against his car door.
“You jerk!
How can you
even think about
leaving my body
laying in the street
like that!”
I scream at him.

He doesn’t hear me,
cannot hear me.

Chapter seventeen

“What the hell?”
a woman’s shrill voice shrieks.

Spinning towards the sound,
I see a lady standing about
40 or so feet from my body.
She has straight
brown hair that is
slightly longer then shoulder length,
and light blue eyes.

She has a business suit on,
and I assume she is
a lawyer or
something like that.

Her black Lexus IS
is parked and off,
the driver’s door is
standing open,
and she is standing maybe a foot away from it.

She looks at my body,
then at Mr. Drunk,
her eyes wide.

She slams her car door shut,
yanks her cell phone out,
and dials three numbers.

Chapter eighteen

Justice!

While the woman
calls on her cell,
she marches right up
and SHOVES

Mr. Drunk right on
up against his driver’s door.

She informs the police
of what she sees,
and where she is,
then tells Mr. Drunk
that if he tries anything
she’ll break his arm
faster than he can say crap.

I am so relieved that
someone is fighting for me,
that I could kiss her!

Chapter nineteen

It takes about
fifteen minutes
for the police car
and ambulance to roll up.

The police man
steps out of his
squad car,
and I recognize him
as the police man
that my family has known
for several years.

His name is Officer Todd.

I run over to Officer Todd
to tell him
what Mr. Drunk
has done.

I open my mouth to speak
and Officer Todd
walks right through me.

This tingly feeling spreads
through my body.

It feels like my foot would
when it fell asleep.

I gasp at the sensation
and then I remember,
I’m the body that
the ambulance crew
is loading up.

Chapter twenty

Officer Todd walks over
to the ambulance that
I am being loaded up into.

His eyes focus on my face,
and he goes pale.

He reaches out and
puts a hand on my cheek,
tears falling down his face.

He and my mom had dated
for a little while,
a few months ago.

My sister and I got
very close to him during that time.

Even after they broke up,
Officer Todd would still
come around to
visit with us all.

Chapter twenty one

Officer Todd backs up,
and, after glancing at him,
the ambulance crew
finishes loading me up,
and then drive off.

I don’t even care
about where my body is going.

I keep watching Officer Todd,
crying over me.

It’s such a weird thing
to see…

I never would have thought
that I would be the one
to cause Officer Todd to cry.

He stays standing there
for several minutes
until another police
squad car pulls up
and another police man gets out,
along with one police woman.

The woman goes over to
put hand cuffs on Mr. Drunk,
and puts him in one of
the police cars.
She then talks to the lady about
what she saw.

The police man
stands still for
a few minutes
before he goes over to Officer Todd,
and asks him if he’s okay.

Officer Todd looks up at him
and then tells him,
“I knew this girl. She is one
of the daughters of the woman
that I was dating a few months ago…
Brandy Joyce…”

The other police man gives
Officer Todd a weird look
and says,
“Hey, look man,
that’s sad and all,
but you do know that
you can’t do
anything about it, man.

You’re, emotionally involved
and you probably won’t
be allowed to
work this case.”

Officer Todd looked at him like
the other policeman had just sneezed
all over him, and says,
“Yes Officer Walker, I do know that!
Do you really think
that I don’t know that?!
I’ve been here much
longer than you have!
I have to work this case, though!”

Officer Walker talked slowly,
as if he was talking to someone
that he felt was stupid,
“No, fool. you don’t.
I can cover it, man.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of!
You lose interest too fast,
and don’t follow up enough!
You’ll let my daughter’s death
go unjustified!
I’m going to ask the Chief
if I can stay on,
and if I can go talk to the family!”

I look at him, shocked.
I had thought of him as
a father,
but I didn’t know
that he had
thought of me as his daughter.

It’s a nice thought.

Chapter twenty two

Officer Todd goes over
to his police car,
and I float behind him.

It’s such a weird thing,
floating instead of walking,
but I am getting used to it
very quickly.

Officer Todd calls
the Police Chief
with his cell phone,
and I listen as he talks
with him for a while.

I guess that the Police Chief
has said that he can go
and talk to my family,
because he thanks him,
and then he puts his cell down
he puts the car in drive,
and heads off.

I follow along behind him,
and even though he
goes pretty fast,
I have no trouble keeping up.

Chapter twenty three

When Officer Todd
pulls up in front of my house,
my heart throbs in pain.

I won’t ever be able
to walk through that door again
and go on with my normal life…

I’ll never be able
to hold my sister’s hand,
to hug her against me,
or hug my mom.

I feel the pain
of my heart and emotions,
but, once again,
I have no tears
coming out.

Officer Todd
slowly gets out of his car
and makes his way
up the sidewalk
to my house.

My house looks like
an apartment complex.

That’s because it
used to be one,
but when the people
on the other side
moved out,
my mom bought
the whole building,
and turned it into
a house.

It has red bricks,
white boarders
around the windows,
and black shutters.

It’s a cozy home,
but it still needs a lot
of work to become
a complete home.

When I was alive,
I never even thought
about how the house looked.

I just came home
without giving it any thought
and went about my day.

It’s strange how,
now that I’m dead,
it’s so hard for me
not to notice them,
since I have no idea
how much longer
I’ll be allowed to stay.

Chapter Twenty Four

Ding, ding, ding dong…
ding, ding, ding dong.

Officer Todd rings the door bell
and fidgets while he waits
for my mom or sister to answer.

When the door finally opens,
it’s my little sister.

“Hey, Officer Todd!” Isabelle squeals,
“Mom! Officer Todd is here!”

My mom comes in
from the kitchen,
and smiles happily
at Officer Todd.

“Oh, Officer Todd!
It’s so nice to see you!”

Officer Todd swallows
and licks his lips
several times.
Then he looks at my mom.

“Brandy…
Catalina was hit and
killed by a drunk driver.

We got a call from
a civilian who came up
on the accident,
around 8 a.m.”

My mom and my sister
both stared at Officer Todd,
their smiles frozen on their faces.

My mom slowly lifts her hands
up to her face and
covers her mouth.
She starts crying.

For several minutes
my sister is frozen,
just standing there,
before she starts sobbing.

She starts screaming
and tries to run past Officer Todd,
but he grabs her
and holds her
against him tightly.

“Catalina! Catalina!
Let me go!”
Isabelle pounds her hands
against Officer Todd’s shoulders,
screaming.

“Catalina!
Catalina you have
to come home!
Catalina!
They think you are dead!
Catalina!”

My heart breaks
to see my little sister
so upset!

I want nothing more
than to run to
Isabelle and hold her tightly,
to tell her that everything
will be okay.

But I can’t…
I can’t do anything!
I’m useless!

Chapter Twenty Five

My sister breaks away
from Officer Todd
and runs upstairs
to her bedroom,
slamming her door
closed behind her.

My mother stumbles forward
and looks at Officer Todd.

She whispers,
“My baby!
My poor, poor baby!”
Her eyes fill up with tears,
and she whimpers.

He opens his arms and
she runs into them,
crying harder.

I know my mom
will be okay with Officer Todd,
so I float upstairs
and through Isabelle’s door.

She’s laying on
her bed, sobbing.
I float over to her
and try to sit down
on her bed, beside her,
but I just fall right through.

So, I get back up and
just float beside her,
keeping an eye on her.

She starts screaming.
Screaming at the world,
at her life,
but mostly at me.

“What the hell
is wrong with you, Cat?!
How could you let yourself
get hit, you idiot?!

How do you expect
me to be able to
go on now?

You told me you
loved me!
You should have fought
to stay alive!”

I listen to her
and feel horrible.

Why didn’t I fight?
Did I even have a chance
to fight to stay alive?
Did I fight?

I don’t remember having
to fight to stay alive.

I don’t get why I
wasn’t given a chance
to fight for my life.

I’m pretty sure
that I would have
fought for all I was worth.

I’d never want to just
leave my family on purpose,

that much I know for sure.

Chapter Twenty Six

I stay with my sister for hours
as she alternates between crying
and just laying on her bed.

I can’t believe that
I am the reason why
there is so much pain
in my house.

I want to tell them
that I am still here!
I’m within an arm length
from my sister.

If she reaches out,
she could touch me!

I start reaching out to touch her,
but I stop myself.

Before, when I was
trying to keep my killer
from running off,
I had a real reason
for touching him.

With my sister, however,
I shouldn’t try touching her.
They need to be able to
go on without me.

I’m not going to
make any move
towards contacting them- no
matter how much I want to-
unless it is like a matter of life and death.

Chapter Twenty Seven

Isabelle finally
gets up around one p.m.
and goes to the bathroom.

She then goes to my room
and lays down on my bed.

If I was alive
I would have been
kind of surprised if
she had done that.

Yes we were very close,
but she had never come
into my room and just laid on my bed.

We both respected
each other’s space,
and stayed out of
each other’s rooms.

But now that
I am dead,
I am actually
a little comforted by her
being in my room.

I feel so useless…
It’s like nothing that
I have ever felt before!

I’ve always been able
to be there for Isabelle.

I’ve never had to
just stand back and watch.

Chapter Twenty Eight

Isabelle hugs my
stuffed animals that
are scattered over my bed.

She picks up my
little Bambie stuffed animal,
a very special stuffed animal to me.

I had gotten
her when I was
very young,
and she stayed special to me.

I never let Isabelle
touch my Bambie
when I was alive.

Maybe it should
have bothered me
that she was touching Bambie,
but I didn’t have it
in me to be mad.

Besides, it seemed like
such a stupid thing
to get upset over.

Chapter Twenty Nine

I leave Isabelle
in my room
and just go outside,
watching the clouds
moving in the sky.

I don’t even
feel like times is passing,
but it is,
pretty quickly.

It feels like I
am watching a movie
and decided to press
fast forward.

I see the clouds
quickly passing by,
the sun quickly
moving across the sky,
then dropping below
the horizon.

It’s strange how
mesmerized I am
by this.

It feels like no
time has even passed
before I see
the sun rise up again
and the movement of
everything slows back down.

I find myself wishing
that I hadn’t gone out
running yesterday.

Then I would
still be alive
and would not
be so useless!

I’d have a purpose,
one that I knew,
and could figure out
what I am supposed
to do with it.

Chapter Thirty

I head inside
and look around
my living room.

It’s a mess,
which is not something
that my mom would
normally let happen.

There are tissues all over the floor,
the television is on,
and no one is
actually in the room.

I glance over
at the clock
on the wall.
It’s 6 a.m.

I listen for any sounds
that would indicate
that anyone is up
and moving around.

There is nothing.

So, I look at
a tissue that
is closest to me.

I focus on my hands,
thinking back to how
I felt when Mr. Drunk
made me angry.

My hands tingle a little,
but I don’t stop focusing
on them.

After a few moments,
my hands feel like
they are vibrating,
and I then focus
on picking up the tissue.

I move slowly,
as to not break my concentration.

I pick the tissue
up very slowly,
and float over to
the small, peach colored
trash can that
we keep in the living room.

Dropping the tissue
into the trash can,
I feel a wave of success,
of accomplishment,
wash over me.

I did it!

Chapter Thirty One

It’s such an
amazing feeling
for a feat so little.

I can do something,
take a little responsibility
away from my grieving family.

Also, it gave me
something to do.

So, I continued
slowly picking up
the tissues,
and placing them into
the trash.

For some stupid reason,
I was actually having fun!

Pick up, walk to
the trash can,
drop.

Walk back over,
pick up, walk back,
Drop.

I repeated this
many times.

Repeated until
the whole living room
is completely de-tissuefied.

I can’t help
but smile
as I look around
and see the tissues
off the floor.

I look around to see
if there is anything else
that I can do
to help my family out.

When I don’t see anything,
I float up the stairs and check
in my room for my sister.

She’s not there.
I walk into her room,
and I see her.

She is curled up
on her bed.
Asleep.

She has tear lines
dried up on her face.

She is still in her clothes
from yesterday.
She didn’t change into
her pajamas last night.

This is sort of strange
because she always
changed into her pajamas,
no matter what!

She hated the feeling of
sleeping in clothes.

She always said
that when she slept
in her clothes,
she just felt all gross
and grimy.

I could understand that.
I felt the same way.

I liked sleeping in my
special purple lacy pajamas.

If I ever didn’t
sleep in my pajamas,
I would just sleep
in a shirt and underwear.

My room was always
very warm, so
sleeping at night
under any covers
would get really hot,
but sleeping without
some kind of covers
felt too weird to me.

Chapter Thirty Two

I float by my sister,
watching over her
as she slept.

I figured that
if I can’t do much,
the least I could do
was keep an eye on my sister.

I just knew that
she would be the one
who took my death
the hardest.

Yes, my mom would be
heartbroken over my death,
but she also had to continue
living for Isabelle.

Isabelle, though,
probably wouldn’t see
much reason to go on.

She wouldn’t think
about the fact
that mom would be needing her now.

She would most likely just
focus on her own pain.

I know that
lots of people focus on
their own pain,
but she did it to a fault.

She always had,
and that was why
I was so worried about her.

Also, My mom also
had Officer Todd.
Yes, Isabelle did too,
but she probably
wouldn’t notice that.

Chapter Thirty Three

I stay there,
just watching over Isabelle,
for hours.

Today is a Sunday,
so she usually sleeps until 11 a.m.

Well,
11 a.m. comes and goes,
and when it hits 1 p.m.
I start getting worried.

I quickly leave her room,
and go looking for mom.

I go to her room,
hoping that I wouldn’t
be walking in on her
and Officer Todd-
I wouldn’t be
surprised if he had
stayed there to
comfort my mom-
she’s not there.

I go by the bathroom,
she’s not there.

I continue going through each room,
one by one,
until I finally find her
on the back porch.

She’s just sitting there,
wrapped up in her robe.

She is looking out
into the distance.
She looks so sad
that it makes my
heart ache.

I wonder how long
she has been there.

I wish that I
could do something
for her,
but I can’t figure out
what I could do.

I want to do something
to make my mom
pay attention,
to make her notice
what time it is,
and go to wake up Isabelle.

I float there,
just thinking
for several minutes,
just trying to figure out
what I can do.

I need to figure something out!
I don’t want to break my
no contact rule,
but I’m having trouble
thinking of how to
get my mom to
know about Isabelle.

Isabelle seems depressed to me,
and I know that it could
be considered reasonable,
since she just lost her big sister,
but I think my mom needs to know!

I sigh in resignation,
and focus on my hands.
when I get the vibrating feeling again,
I reach out and touch
my mom’s shoulder.

She starts,
and looks down at
her shoulder.

Her eyes are wide,
and her mouth is open.

I then close my eyes,
and focus as hard as I can.

I think
“Mom… Isabelle needs you.
Go to Isabelle.”

I feel silly for doing this
but I hold on to hope
that this will work.

Chapter Thirty Four

When I open my eyes,
I see a look of recognition
in her eyes,
and she whispers,
“Isabelle?”

Then her eyes widen again,
and she bolts up,
and rushes inside.

Though, in her doing that
she walks right through me,
sending a wave of tingling
throughout my body.

Once again,
I gasp at the sensation-
the tingling and numb feeling-
that spreads throughout my body.

Once the feeling passes
I hurry and run
inside, after my mom.

She is hurrying
through the kitchen,
then through the living room,
before she finally
arrives at the stairs.

She runs up the stairs,
two at a time.

Once she gets
up the stairs,
she pushes open
Isabelle’s door,
and rushes into her room.

She stares at Isabelle.

Isabelle is still
in the exact same position
as she was when I left her.

She hasn’t moved an inch,
and is still sleeping.

I float beside my mom,
just waiting.

Waiting for her
to go over to Isabelle
and do something.

Get her up
and snap her
out of her funk,

but for a long time
my mom just stayed
right where she was standing,
and just watched her.

I watch the
pink pig clock
that my sister has
on the nightstand
beside her bed.

Ten minutes,
twenty minutes,
then twenty five minutes pass,
and my mom is
still standing there.

Finally she moves
closer to Isabelle’s bed.

“Isabelle… Isabelle?
Honey, it’s time to get up.”

She gets closer,
and closer,
until she is right beside
Isabelle’s bed.

She reaches out
and places her
left hand on
Isabelle’s shoulder.

Chapter Thirty Five

She gently shakes
Isabelle’s shoulder.

She gets no response.

She shakes her again,
just slightly harder.

Still no response.

Then she shakes her
even harder,
with both hands,
and Isabelle’s eyes
shoot open.

My mom jumps back slightly,
pulling her hands away.

She stares at my mom,
not saying anything.

Just staring.

Chapter Thirty Six

My mom reaches back out
and places a hand
on Isabelle’s shoulder again.

Isabelle pushes her hand away,
and then pulls her arm
back up against her chest.

My mom opens her mouth,
then closes it.

I pray that she pulls
Isabelle out of bed
and makes her get up.

She doesn’t.

“Isabelle?”
My mom whispers.

Isabelle’s eyes shift over
and focus on me.

I stare at her.

She sees me?

Right when I
start to get excited,
her eyes shift again,

and they focus back on
my mom’s eyes.

“Isabelle, honey,
are you okay?”
my mom asks,
her voice a little shaky,
and she licks her lips nervously.

Isabelle just shrugs,
and my mom stays still.
Watching,
and maybe waiting for
Isabelle to want to
say something…
anything.

But she doesn’t.

She just keeps looking
at my mom.
Her eyes sort of
seem to have
some kind of
glaze over them.

After an uncomfortable silence
my mom seems
to give up.

“Okay, well,
I’m going to
go see what
I can whip up
for breakfast.”

She smiles at Isabelle
and brushes the hair
off of her forehead.

Then she leaves
Isabelle’s room,
and she goes downstairs.

I stay with Isabelle.

Once mom has left,
Isabelle reaches down
onto the floor of her room
and pulls up another one
of my stuffed animals.

It’s my grey bunny
that I named
Bun-Bun.

She lifts Bun-Bun up
to her nose
and smells her.

Her eyes well up
and she gets
tears in her eyes.
She quickly
puts Bun-Bun back
down on the floor again.

Chapter Thirty Seven

She goes back
to just laying still,
curled up in a ball.

I know now
that I have to do something.

I’ll have to think of something
that I can do to help Isabelle.

I know that I
won’t be able
to keep my promise
to myself anymore.

I will have to go ahead
and contact my family.

Especially Isabelle.

Chapter Thirty Eight
I look around the room,
thinking about the ways
that I could contact
Isabelle by doing.

I could open some
of her drawers.

I could write something.

I could make one
of her lights flicker.

I could touch her
shoulder like I
did to my mom’s shoulder.

I could try concentrating
on talking to her through my thoughts-
like I did earlier to
get my mom to
remember Isabelle-

but I’m not sure
whether or not
Isabelle would think
that it was truly me,
or that she was going crazy.

I feel a build up
of stress inside of me.

Chapter Thirty Nine

I decide to wait
until the next day,
at the very least,
before making a decision.

So, I go downstairs
to quickly check
on my mom.

She is in the kitchen
with Officer Todd.

They are both
sitting at the
kitchen table,
right next to each other.

“Todd, I have no
idea what I should do!
She seems to be very depressed,”
my mom said.

“Well, Brandy,”
Officer Todd said soothingly,
“at least you
went up to
check on her.”

My mom’s eyebrows
bend downwards a little
as she frowns.

“What?” Officer Todd asks.

“What you just said…
I just remembered something.
This morning I was
sitting on the porch,
kind of in my
own little world.

I had no thoughts
towards anyone,
not even Isabelle.

Then, all of a sudden,
I felt this cold sensation
on my shoulder
that actually kind of
felt like a hand or something.

Then I heard a voice that
told me to go check on Isabelle.

I don’t feel like
it was a voice that was not mine,
like not a thought
that I had thought…

it felt more
like someone
was talking to me…

Oh god! I sound
completely crazy!”
My mom closes her eyes
and puts her right hand
over her eyes.

Officer Todd is quiet
for a moment,
then he reaches out
with his left hand
and takes her right hand,
holding it tightly.

Officer Todd smiles
at her and says,
“No, honey,
you don’t sound crazy..
If you believe that
you heard someone’s voice
telling you to go and
check on Isabelle,
then I believe you.”

My mom smiles at him,
her eyes tearing up with gratitude.
She scoots closer,
wrapping her arms
around Officer Todd’s neck,
hugging him snuggly.

Officer Todd wraps his arms
around her waist,
holding her tightly against him.

Chapter Forty

I hope and pray
that Officer Todd
will be there for my family
through everything.

I am not sure
whether they can
get through this
and get better
without him.

I smile to myself,
and look back over
at them.

I notice a tear
in the corner of
Officer Todd’s left eye,
the one that I can see
from where I am.

I watch as it
slowly travels down
his face,
before it drops off
and onto his shirt.

I know, deep down,
that this tear,
this single tear,
is his heart promising
himself that he will
be here for my family.

That he does love
my mom and sister,
and that he will do
whatever he can for them.

Even so,
there are some things
that even if he tries,
he won’t be able to fix.

No matter what.

Chapter Forty One

When my mom
and Officer Todd
have let go of each other,
Officer Todd looks right
at my mom,
and says,

“Brandy,
maybe we should
bring Isabelle
to a psychologist
or a counselor.

She probably needs
to talk to someone
about Cat’s death.”

My mom didn’t
answer him right away.

I think she is
kind of surprised
that he suggested it.

To tell the truth,
I am sort of surprised
that she didn’t.

Suddenly,
I hear a crash from upstairs
and I go flying up the stairs,
my mom only a
few feet behind me.

We burst into Isabelle’s room
at the exact same time,
give or take a few minutes,
and find Isabelle sitting on the floor
with the glass from her window broken.

Glass is everywhere,
it’s outside,
it’s in her hair,
it’s on her clothes,
and it’s all over her room.

Isabelle has a piece of glass
stuck in her left wrist,
and blood is on her
arms and clothes.

My mom’s eyes and mouth
are wide open in horror
as she takes in
Isabelle’s surroundings.

She then looks over
at Isabelle
and stares at her.

Isabelle has a
blank look on her face.

She doesn’t even seem
to notice that there
is something lodged
in her wrist.

Several moments after
my mom came in,
Officer Todd races in
and skids to a stop
just in time,
right before would
have run into my mom.

When he sees the glass
all over the place,
and in Isabelle’s wrist,
he jumps into action.

He rushes over to Isabelle,
picks her up and
slings her over
his left shoulder.

He then goes
back over to my mom
and quickly takes her hand.

He pulls her behind him
as he leaves Isabelle’s room,
and brings everyone into
the living room.

He sets Isabelle
down on the couch,
and has my mom sit next to her.

“Brandy, keep an eye on her,
I’ll be right back.”

Officer Todd walks to
the front door,
opens it,
steps outside,
and shuts the door
behind him.

I follow him
and see him
take out his cell phone.

He dials a number
and lifts the phone
up to his ear.

After a few seconds
he starts talking.

I get very close
to Officer Todd,
within several inches of him.

Close enough to hear
the person on the
other end of the phone.

“Hey Chief,
I’m at the Joyce home.
I really need you to send
an ambulance ASAP
if that’s okay with you.

Isabelle has a-a-a
piece of glass in her wrist,
and she’s bleeding,
and I don’t know
if she has struck
a vein or something.

I also think that I
need to get Isabelle
to a psychologist because
I don’t know what else
she’ll do now…
but I-I-I don’t know
who to get,
or how I can know
who is best…”
Officer Todd trails off.

Officer Todd’s voice
is several octaves
higher than usual.

I guess that
the police chief
also notices that
Officer Todd’s voice is
higher than what
it normally is.

The police chief’s voice
becomes soothing,
and in control.
I actually feel somewhat better
just by listening to it.

The police chief
calmly tells Officer Todd,
“Todd, clam down.
I will send for an ambulance
this second.
Hold on.”

The other side of the phone
goes quiet, and I guess
that the police chief has
put Officer Todd on hold.

We wait silently,
and anxiously,
for several minutes,
then the police chief
comes back onto the line.

“The ambulance is
on their way, and I’m going to
start looking for the
best psychologist that
is in the area.

You don’t need to
worry about it,
just take care of your friends.”

Officer Todd nods,
then he remembers that
police chief can’t see him nodding.
He thanks the police chief

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is a book that I'm trying to write. I hope you will all tell me what you think, and I'll be updating it as I get time!

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Short Verse #8

A thousand years ago, I could have been working in a store in a small shack of a large town. Still having people then whisper in my ear the earth was flat, and that my place was there, sweeping the floor. The point of that would be as clear as the sky before indistury. Life, is only expierenced through the beholder of that person, That conciousness. Call it a soul, Pin it to a religion, spiritual or even atheisim. The one thing you cannot question, or doubt is your power to manifest your thoughts into actions. The power to comphrened that you are infact a Living Creature who has the compasity to think, learn, adapt. The ONLY known speicies who can contemplate the genocide of an entire world and the stars above them......

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Just a little thing that jumped into my head. Plus it has been awhile since I posted anything, been busy working and writing haha

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