Who hit replay
Shut it off
No not today
Life can be rough
Enough is enough
The past is passed
so why must it last
This loop in my head
I constantly dread
Who hit replay
Shut it off
No not today
Life can be rough
Enough is enough
PTSD is not for me
PTSD must cease to be
Got to get it out of my head
These thoughts that I have come to dread
keep playing over inside my head
Who hit replay
Shut it off
No not today
Life can be rough
Enough is enough
It's getting harder to remember
what I was like
before I was damaged,
before you tore me open
and forced your darkness in.
I have tried to get it out
by opening my skin
but there is always more
left deep within.
by Jeph Johnson
I have PTSD
But for me the P
Stands for pre not post.
It's AKA anxiety.
The past is behind me,
Why worry about that?
Creative memory
Can easily help me
Control that.
I worry about
What isn't so easy
To control:
The future.
by DaddyO
I have PTSD, but for me the "P" stands for "pre" not "post."
Yes I have...
Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder
It's also known as anxiety.
No one can control the past, all any of us can do is hope to control our memories of the past. My selective memory does a fairly good job of that. I am also very inventive and analytical, so with a little creativity, I can sift the golden memories from the sands of my past. In doing this my mind (which is in the present) often feels better about the past than the future.
I love to reminisce and revel in my many successes.
I have lived a life devoted to pleasure that many would envy. Since embracing hedonism at the turn of the 20th century, I have strove for or had fun every single day of my existence. I have lived my life on my terms, steadfastly holding my own (or saying "fuck you") amidst critics, adversaries and down-right enemies!
But I also wish to learn from my many mistakes: I call it "growing up", and I certainly have a lot more of that to do than most men my age! As my body matures, the rest of me holds on to those selective positive memories.
In short, I created a world for myself that is very foreign to what other men my age experience by avoiding the responsibilities most men my age have. A life intent on having as few responsibilities as possible:
By foregoing a college education I avoided tuition debt. Sure I took a few electives, but they were just classes I wanted to take!
In working at jobs where the most I ever made was $10 an hour, I learned skills that were "fun" rather than practical. Still I attended over 300 free concerts, met countless rock stars and collected enough compact discs to open my own store as a hobby!
In getting snipped I produced no "junior", but I never had to discipline an unruly child or forego a party because I had a kid at home.
In short, I find myself with the responsibilities of someone in their early 20s, (complete with 22 year old girlfriend at the time of this writing). That's the bright side. But on the dark side I no longer have the youthful enthusiasm, health or hopefulness to go along with it.
I have the bone creaks, lightheaded dizziness and stomach cramps of an ageing overweight diabetic man, yet my present needs are few.
I am clever and self-contained so I can derive enjoyment and entertainment from otherwise mundane things and situations. My mind keeps me busy enough to not require expensive hobbies. Hell, I don't even need video games or an entertainment budget above that to maintain a portal to the world wide web,
All my enjoyment comes in these simple pleasures: Writing, music, internet, fantasy sports and seeing my girlfriend's eyes light up when she smiles at me! And I like them as much for the simplicity as I do for their pleasures!!
I don't need a luxury car, tropical vacation, designer clothing or fine dining.
I just want to be healthy and wealthy enough to not be bedridden or hungry and able to wear practical clothing. I want a warm bed and shelter from the elements for myself, my girl and our modest belongings, as well as transportation to and from work and the store.
That's about it!
When other people get triggered, all logic and reasoning seem to fly out the window. I guess it's the opposite for me. When I am triggered is when I start using logic and reason.
The way I look at triggers is a person can rest easy, for the gun is no longer loaded!
But this thing we call "the future" scares the hell out of me. The idea that we indeed can control our future is what riddles me with so much anxiety.
People with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and triggers seem to have a difficult time putting bad experiences behind them.
People with anxiety have a difficult time navigating the experiences ahead of them.
My desire to be "dominant" stems from this happy place I find myself in when I have control of my present (and presumably future) surroundings.
Do submissive people generally have a tougher time dealing with the past?
From my experiences, yes.
I envy a submissive person's ability to give up control of the present, yet am frequently frustrated by how much influence triggering memories of the past seem to be for them.
I have few regrets for most of the things I've done along the way. Instead I regret a lot of what I didn't do.
Which is terrifying when you find yourself careening down the opposite side of the "over-the-hill" analogy and looking back at what you've done is much more difficult. All that you've done is obscured from view. There's that damn hill in the way!
All the things you didn't do stay with you forever, however.
So I feel I have gotten a lot out of this world in this era I've lived. Death doesn't scare me, but the road leading there does!
I still have a few bucket list items. None should require money but all require stability. And because stability requires money I'm screwed.
We have never met
Not in this realm
But we know each other
So well……………………..
Its hit and miss
If I meet you again
The vale of sleep descends
Where shall I go?
Hell……………………………..
Heaven………………………..
Toss the coin
Throw the dice
You are perfect
I love you……………..
You opened the door for me
One day…………………..
We will enter…………..
Never to wipe the sleep from my eyes
Gone…………………
But home……………….
What is a dream?
Maybe its real?
Just maybe………….
I will Rest In Peace.
© Tony McNally
He licked my eye balls in 82
To stop the tears from coming through
Ripped part of my soul away that day
He wants the rest, his evil pay
Killing was the name of the game
Man against man
Its still the same
When the last grain sand falls from my life
He will be back with his big long knife
Stronger he gets by the day
As man kills man on an industrial scale
I have looked into the bowls of hell
There is no flames there is no smell
He is all around he is in your face
The bogey man is the human race.
© Tony McNally
Stormy, stormy ships quietly love a cold, lively sail.
Take me to church so I can finally slam shut the door
I don’t believe in all that nonsense anymore
Hell is already here so you cant scare me
I wish I could take you to the places I go at night to see
Its all about control and fear to manipulate the masses
But I now see the world through these shit tinted glasses
If there is a creator up there he must be disgusted
By the children abused by the priests that they trusted
My church is my brothers that I went with to War
The alter the battlefield that we hate and adore
My holy water the blood that was spilled by the young
The dead my saints and my soul the songs that we sung
So take me to church so I can slam shut that door
You call me a heathen but your God created War.
© Tony McNally
Over the emerald sea we went
To make it a better place
Patrolling the streets
We could feel the hate
Anger in every face
The petrol bombs, burning cars
Shouts of “Contact wait out,”
Drop down to ground
Firing position
This is a War, no doubt
Get up move quick hard target
Smoke is stinging my eyes
Then the mob is gone
An eerie silence
Our helicopter hovering in the sky
A huge explosion
The day goes black
Ears ringing I can hardly breathe
Sirens wail women scream
My brain finds it hard to conceive
Still alive, grab hold of my weapon
Look around to look for my mates
Civilian bodies scattered on the ground
Like children’s dolls
Was this always to be their fate?
Brain re-engages
Still scanning the rooftops
Brick commander screams, “ Follow me.”
Hard target back to the Saracen
Please save me Lord is my silent plea
I was saved that day now its thirty years on
Only veterans those events I do talk
Was eighteen when I crossed the Emerald Isle
To my brothers I would say
It was only with you that I could walk that walk.
© Tony McNally