PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

by DaddyO 

I have PTSD, but for me the "P" stands for "pre" not "post."

Yes I have...

Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

It's also known as anxiety.

No one can control the past, all any of us can do is hope to control our memories of the past. My selective memory does a fairly good job of that. I am also very inventive and analytical, so with a little creativity, I can sift the golden memories from the sands of my past. In doing this my mind (which is in the present) often feels better about the past than the future.

I love to reminisce and revel in my many successes.

I have lived a life devoted to pleasure that many would envy. Since embracing hedonism at the turn of the 20th century, I have strove for or had fun every single day of my existence. I have lived my life on my terms, steadfastly holding my own (or saying "fuck you") amidst critics, adversaries and down-right enemies!

But I also wish to learn from my many mistakes: I call it "growing up", and I certainly have a lot more of that to do than most men my age! As my body matures, the rest of me holds on to those selective positive memories.

In short, I created a world for myself that is very foreign to what other men my age experience by avoiding the responsibilities most men my age have. A life intent on having as few responsibilities as possible:

By foregoing a college education I avoided tuition debt. Sure I took a few electives, but they were just classes I wanted to take!

In working at jobs where the most I ever made was $10 an hour, I learned skills that were "fun" rather than practical. Still I attended over 300 free concerts, met countless rock stars and collected enough compact discs to open my own store as a hobby!

In getting snipped I produced no "junior", but I never had to discipline an unruly child or forego a party because I had a kid at home.

In short, I find myself with the responsibilities of someone in their early 20s, (complete with 22 year old girlfriend at the time of this writing). That's the bright side. But on the dark side I no longer have the youthful enthusiasm, health or hopefulness to go along with it.

I have the bone creaks, lightheaded dizziness and stomach cramps of an ageing overweight diabetic man, yet my present needs are few.

I am clever and self-contained so I can derive enjoyment and entertainment from otherwise mundane things and situations. My mind keeps me busy enough to not require expensive hobbies. Hell, I don't even need video games or an entertainment budget above that to maintain a portal to the world wide web,

All my enjoyment comes in these simple pleasures: Writing, music, internet, fantasy sports and seeing my girlfriend's eyes light up when she smiles at me! And I like them as much for the simplicity as I do for their pleasures!!

I don't need a luxury car, tropical vacation, designer clothing or fine dining.

I just want to be healthy and wealthy enough to not be bedridden or hungry and able to wear practical clothing. I want a warm bed and shelter from the elements for myself, my girl and our modest belongings, as well as transportation to and from work and the store.

That's about it!

When other people get triggered, all logic and reasoning seem to fly out the window. I guess it's the opposite for me. When I am triggered is when I start using logic and reason.

The way I look at triggers is a person can rest easy, for the gun is no longer loaded!

But this thing we call "the future" scares the hell out of me. The idea that we indeed can control our future is what riddles me with so much anxiety.

People with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and triggers seem to have a difficult time putting bad experiences behind them.

People with anxiety have a difficult time navigating the experiences ahead of them.

My desire to be "dominant" stems from this happy place I find myself in when I have control of my present (and presumably future) surroundings.

Do submissive people generally have a tougher time dealing with the past?

From my experiences, yes.

I envy a submissive person's ability to give up control of the present, yet am frequently frustrated by how much influence triggering memories of the past seem to be for them.

I have few regrets for most of the things I've done along the way. Instead I regret a lot of what I didn't do.

Which is terrifying when you find yourself careening down the opposite side of the "over-the-hill" analogy and looking back at what you've done is much more difficult. All that you've done is obscured from view. There's that damn hill in the way!

All the things you didn't do stay with you forever, however.

So I feel I have gotten a lot out of this world in this era I've lived. Death doesn't scare me, but the road leading there does!

I still have a few bucket list items. None should require money but all require stability. And because stability requires money I'm screwed.