Will I remember to breathe when you’re here,

when you’re gone?


I forget,

I remember,

I exhale a hurricane and leave steam on your skin.


I learn loss when the doors are closed,

I set sail at all the wrong times.


I am too human,

I leave a mark wherever I go,

it is not always a good one.


We all want to leave postcards, silhouettes, golden

but mine always turn gray and crumble to dust.

I want to leave color,

flood these hours with more than minutes.


I want to leave fingerprints

so you know I was here.

But this might be a crime scene,

if it is I will take all the blame

I hope if it is the blood runs beautiful.


Will I remember to breathe when you’re here,

when you’re gone?

Maybe it doesn’t matter.

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Written 5/26/17


Verse 1:

This may be the end of us.

Can I be your memory/

Though, I know you're so far away,

Wanting you is driving me insane.


You're in everyone I see.

Where ever I go, your face appears.

Whenever you look at me,

You smile without noticiing.

You've fallen for me.


Verse 2:
And just lke that,

Our love began coincidentally.

Why can't you be brave like the others?

Just approach me and start a conversation.

You're so far away.



You don't have to fear this love.

This love saves us.

Don't waste your time.

There won't be any second chances.

Are you scared of losing so much?



I can see no one but you.

Though, I know you're far away.

These thoughts and feelings

Won't be able to reach you now. 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Based on "It's You (English Subtitles)" by Neon Bunny. It's an indie Korean electrco-pop song. 


Such steps
aspen meets the ladder
denting each rung to disappear.
Breed the rubble
welt tighter
scissoring scrim of ribbons
exhaust the chain mount closer
a peak - a steep plot the bottom in you
found where
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Alex you showed me success.
Gave me a feeling of conquest
My name means powerful ruler.
I must confess

I almost gave up until you helped me see my mess
Thanks to Muckerman I’m blessed
Failures not an option. I must progress
Only thing I can handle is success

I’m tired of feeling depressed.
I can’t process this distress.
Is it karma that caused all this?
Like a rich man losing all his progress

Lost it all to his mistress
All because he was heartless
Less than a man.
All hope lost

Whatever the cost.
Tossed out by his wife
After all the strife. He would take his own life
With a sharp edged knife.

1709 that’s the address.
This kid is stuck in a trance
Heard Shady say he’s only got one chance
Wanting to ask this chick out to a dance

But he cant dance.
So he writes about the lost chance at a romance
Then discovers his circumstance
A talent that was a challenge

Fueled by gallons of hate. He began to create
Had to find his voice. He was too silent.
Had to become reliant and vibrant.
Stood up like a giant

He began to roar like a Lion
Run like a stallion.
Felt like an Italian
Ruthless but not an Idiot like Zack’s brother Talon

Proud and loud.
Earning a medallion.
Earning a following
An army that will be a battalion.

Making rhymes to overcome these hard times
Trying his best to avoid crime
Wanting voice lessons but he didn’t have a dime
Would he ever find himself at his prime

His head filled with a beat 7 days a week
ever since he had his head shoved into concreate
But this kid will never know or seek defeat
He got back up on his feet.

He heard Dre say: “You need to talk about the place to be
who you are, what you got, about a suck MC”
And to be discreet you’re in for a treat
That kid was me.

A delicacy but I would be in tangle
Saturday morning and I was to be strangled
I went to the fridge to get a fucking bagel
Yelled at so many angles

Still dealing with it all
She would have me take the fall
Told me to crawl.
I walked away from it all

Thank you Madison
I was fucked up but to me you were medicine
I was broken.
Saddened but you helped me without question

Fixing me was your intention
A restoration
Guided my hand. Navigation
Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t perfection.

When I’m gone I’m gone
Won’t look back what’s done is done
For those I forgot to mention. Thanks a ton

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Great Escape

Sometimes I feel like.

I might say fuck it and hang back.

Live in cape and grab myself a 12 pack off the rack while I sit around and vape.

Say fuck my dreams and lack on food stamps while I'm living on the streets.

Sit around on the concrete with the rest of these hicks and smoke a blunt with my dad Rick.

Why do I still write? I should just jump off the bridge and take flight.

Fuck, I still might. Sometimes I hate life.

Sometimes I just need a hug but I always end up kicking the welcome rug and wishing I had a rope to tug.

Thinking about being a thug and sitting with that old man who just got mugged.

Every time I walk up my street I just feel fucked.

My mom tells me I'm out of luck.

Why does my life always have to suck.

I sit in my bed untucked lovestruck by Rock and Rap.

But I have to tap into my adrenaline and run some laps.

Think about popping caps, taking a nap or plotting my own map.

Deep inside I don't want to be like everyone else and sit around to fap.

I don't want to be mediocre and slap my wife while I sit around overly fat watching TV.  

Believe me. I don't have a lead on success but I must confess that I can't help but feel pissed.

Goodwill was all I could afford to dress with.

Maybe I should sit around like a dropout and smoke some meth.

My friend has 4 out of a fifth. A bag he stole from the thrift shop.

Told him to fuck off. I hated being held liable to read the bible on christmas eve.

Couldn't even breath without someone judging me.

Don't you see? In order for me to succeed I have to believe.

I have to blow off my steam.

But before I leave I have to make amends.

Steve we were a team.

Our futures seemed to gleam.

But now you’re mad hot. Give that a thought.

Now we act like robots. Attitudes always conflicting.

Paths always connecting. Is there anything I’m missing?

Would you stop dissing for a second?

I’m missing you man. Why did Scott threaten and leave us in this wreckage.

Like a nuclear weapon. We caused an Armageddon.

This feud was so unexpected.

How can one girl that seemed like a blessing cause us to start pissing?

Pissing on each other right in everyone’s presence.

But I just want to check in man. How’s it going?

This whole situation has left me sickened.

This confliction has taught me so many lessons but it's left me guessing.

Will we die at the same time and meet each other in heaven?

Doubt it. To god I’ve always been a peasant.

I hope this sets in. We’ll see each other soon I reckon.

But as for cape. That won't relate.

Music is the only thing that helps me concentrate on my great escape.

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I sit here

Pondering the terrifying 

The loss of breath

The loss of self

The lonely road to oblivion


All we have

Is these moments

Time is unforgiving 

Fate is inevitable 

Love is our legacy


So Listen


It hurts your Soul,

Your Mind, Your Body

moveless with heartbreak,

as you try to Understand,

Listen, Remember

your head hurts,

your weeping burns

a hole into your Eyes,

Your Mind, Your Heart

This is true love,

the hearfelt pain

trying to breathe,

but no air getting in-

your throat Closes,

Throbs, Imploads

as the with of death

takes you through

the pain that is - his


But Listen

as time goes on,

on you move,

And find the better

of what life can give-

A New Love

So Listen

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My First Real Love

This Love


You came suddenly into my life,

-a most unexpected surprise.

But all at once, my first real love,

was right there, before my eyes.


In these many months since then,

I've known love like never before.

Because at last, and finally,

I'm with, my long-lost boy-next-door.


You make me feel such amazing things,

I thought I'd buried deep down, away.

Things I felt, I had to forever hide,

Lest they caused my heart to fray.


But always, you were there,

tucked into, the memories of my mind.

And always a place, in my heart, you held,

never dreaming you, one day, I'd find.


But now that we're finally together,

I'll never again, let you get away from me.

Too many years were wasted for us...

You see, we were always meant to be.



Author's Notes/Comments: 

For My Gary...my boy-next-door, my heart, my past, my future...my first real love.

I love you, My Sweet Man!

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Twist of Fate! [Story]

           Arnab Banerjee is sixty-five years old. He lives alone in Burichong, Comilla. He has much wealth including gold and properties. His son Rabon is in Dhaka with for the last four years. Rabon’s wife Suborna has gone back to her mother’s house after fiercely quarrelling with him.


            Arnab does not like Rabon whatsoever. Even though he is the only son. In fact, Rabon’s stubbornness and indecent behaviour are the two vital causes that have made the father rather bitter. Another activity of Rabon has added insult to injury! Arnab wished earlier that Rabon would stay in Burichong and take care of his father. Besides, he could easily and effectively manage and protect the wealth and properties here. He even promised his father before the marriage that he would continue living in Burichong. But, within a few months of marriage, Rabon started changing as a lizard transforms its colour!


Arnab is a little bit upset with Suborna as well. He thinks that she has made Rabon settle in Dhaka. As a result, Arnab is all alone now. Sometimes, he feels like the Old Mariner of “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”!


However, there is a little boy who constantly looks after Arnab. His name is Jamal. Once Arnab was returning from Dhaka by train after visiting his son’s house. When the train is about to stop at Comilla rail station, Arnab saw a boy crying; he was sitting next to the toilet with his head towards the floor and his hands grasping the legs.


Arnab got prepared to get off the train; he even moved towards the gate; suddenly he returned to that boy. By now the bogey was almost empty; the awaiting passengers, who were outside, began to move in. The train was about to leave the station within three minutes.


Arnab felt sorry for the boy. When he asked him his name, no reply came. When he asked again, the boy felt irritated and got off the train. Arnab reached the floor and started looking for the boy all over the place. All of a sudden, he noticed the boy beside a tea stall.


From far away, Arnab observed him from top to bottom. He wore a torn t-shirt and dirty shorts; there were no slippers on. The boy looked much hungry. Wiping off the teardrops, he looked at the hanging bananas and the bread of that stall. He stared at them in such a way as if he were eating them through the eyes!


Arnab went closer to the boy. Seeing him, the boy was about to run away again but at that time Arnab grabs his stick-like hand. He asked,


- Do you want to eat?

- No.

- Are you hungry?

- No. Leave my hand!

- Are you afraid of me? Please don’t be afraid. I won’t harm you. I’m a good man.

- Leave me!

- I can help you boy!


            Arnab bought him some chocolates, bread and bananas. Getting all these foods, he sat at the nearby seat and began to swallow them like an anaconda takes its food inside! Arnab was content watching the little boy eat with much delight. He felt heavenly bliss after helping a hungry boy. In the meantime, the boy told his name.


            Before Arnab got ready to reach home, a thought appeared in his brain abruptly like a bird emerges suddenly and sits on the branch of a tree! He thought about taking Jamal with him if he agreed. Jamal’s fate brought him to Arnab’s household and he became a part of it since then.


            Jamal is like Arnab’s shadow. Wherever he goes, the boy accompanies him. Arnab is much affectionate towards the boy. His big eyes remind Arnab of his late wife Snigdha. When she was alive, Arnab was tension free. Now, depression has overpowered him; it is ever there as an unseen spirit!


            Arnab knows it well that he can become an inhabitant of the afterlife any moment. Even if he is quite disappointed with Rabon, every now and then, he calls him on the phone. He feels a sort of divine solace after talking to him. After all, he is his own blood!


            Arnab’s time passes by telling stories to Jamal. The boy also shares many strange events that he has experienced in his life especially on the train. He says that once a coconut seller has sold a coconut to a passenger but he has forgotten to provide the straw. Before the passenger asks for the straw, the train starts moving ahead. At that time, the passenger looks utterly helpless since his hands are inside the bogey and the coconut is outside the tiny window! Jamal has enjoyed that moment a lot. Arnab wants to know what happens next; Jamal tells that the passenger holds the coconut for a long time but has to throw it away eventually. Saying this, Jamal starts to laugh loudly. Arnab smiles with him too.


            At times, Arnab feels jealous of the boy. He wishes to be a child again; to roam around like the careless wind; to steal mangoes from neighbours’ trees, to run, to hide. Above all, he wishes to enjoy childhood once again!


            But, if life is a gift, it cannot be given twice. Even though the Hindus believe in reincarnation, Arnab thinks otherwise. He thinks that life is to be lived once only. As Tithonus was bestowed the gift of remaining immortal, even after his request to be mortal again, God did not pay heed to him. Such is the condition of human life on earth. Even if most of us have numerous wishes, the Almighty does not grant all of them.


            One day, Arnab falls in the bathroom. With the help of others, he is taken to the nearby hospital immediately. His left leg is fractured. It has swollen like a balloon! Since the pain is intolerable, the doctor has caused him to sleep.


            On the next day, Arnab calls Rabon on the phone. He lets him know of the accident. Rabon feels sorry for it. Arnab has firm belief that his son and daughter-in-law will come to see the bedridden old man but it does not happen.


            It seems to Arnab that his life, at this point in time, is totally meaningless. None cares for him; none gives a damn whether he lives or dies! He feels like a used and dirty piece of cloth that is meant to be thrown away! He feels that people are becoming unemotional robots with the progress of the civilisation.


            Arnab is in his house now. Jamal is taking care of him so nicely. Arnab wishes if Jamal were his son! A boy from the street has sympathy for the old man but his own biological son does not.


            Arnab can walk without any support now. He has stopped taking medicines too. For the last few days, a thought has been poking him like a pin. He thinks of his properties and wealth. He makes a crucial decision in the end.


            After a few days, Arnab passes away. Hearing the sad news, Rabon and Suborna reach Burichong soon. Surprisingly, they are not crying; the situation reminds us of Meursault of “The Stranger” who does not cry after his mother’s death! The advocate Mr. Rakib Haider approaches Rabon to discuss something important. Rakib informs him that the late Arnab has bestowed all his wealth and properties to Jamal.


            Now, both Rabon and Suborna start crying like two little children who have been beaten by the father!

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