No one can stop this fast black train. I feel sick insane. My soul is aching.


                                          She runs through me in flashes. No more smiles or sorries. How could anyone relate to your sorrow.

                                        Your burning rage with a million fist. I could throw. Kneel down in my corner, my pity pool. Dripping

                                         wet. Feels like forever until I see you again, If ever. Closing your eternal eyes lost in release. Undo

                                        these cuffs that bound your wrist. They no longer grasp you to prepare you for death. Unleash your

                                        sweet soul. My mad soul. Tired and ready. You sleep so lovely under bright lights. No more tears for 

                                         fears of them leaving you behind. Where's the rewind? Are you floating above in a beautiful bliss?

                                        Do you have wings of silver blowing us a kiss? Stories bring me to ease. The times of your life you 

                                         felt you could breath. You were lovely. Something needed you to leave. I see you in dreams but 

                                            nightmares to. Letting go is never going to do. Rest sweetly my love. I will carry you with me on 


                                            and on and on.

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they are confused,

they thought they knew me

and now they have to face they never did

the things they were not there for

i tried to tell them about

but loving people can often cause blindness

we love deeply

and because we love so deeply

we can hear another's story and shut them out

it happens fast

we do not even realize we do it

and it continues like a cancer in the blinding dark of love

the story goes in our ears

and moves like lightning through our minds

we are unaware of how to help

pain, anger, resentment, denial,

all stages of healing

and grief....

when someone we love is hurt

they are grieving a loss

and it is the same as grieving a death

without being present for these emotions

within ourselves,

we cannot be present for another's

without developing a healthy grieving manner

we can never be there to help 

another help themselves

so now, the pain of not knowing me

knowing i was alone

there comes denial

you were not alone!


god was there!

you asked for it!

blame god then

you always did like seeing him hang on that cross

but don't try to tell me it never happened

3:47 PM 7/5/2013



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Now That You're Gone

All About Me

I still remember the morning you passed away,
I think it's ironic it was April Fools Day.
I was on the computer when you came to me,
I need to write this to set your soul free.

You were cold to the touch for the first time ever,
Just kissing your cheek had made my soul shiver.
Didn't know it then that you were bound for heaven,
Looked at the clock, it was around five oh seven.

It worried me some, the pained look in your eyes,
That I comforted you came to no surprise.
You told me you were sorry that you were this way,
I told you don't worry, I loved you I'd say.

Assuring you that when its all over you'd be okay,
We walked out the door and went on our way.
To the hospital emergency room I drove fast,
Cursing at all the slow cars I had to pass.

When the doctor admitted you he took me aside,
He told me it'd be better if I waited outside.
The last thing I said as I waved you goodbye,
Was I love you, don't worry, I'll be here all the time.

I waited for what seemed like hours on end,
Until the nurse walked in and took my hand.
She said oh honey, I'm sorry for your loss,
I looked as she made the sign for a cross.

Defiant, I pushed passed her determined to see,
The doctors had paddles, but I wouldn't believe.
You were gone, I could see it all over your face,
Suddenly my world shattered all over the place.

I told them to stop, to just let you go,
You were no longer with us, but I just had to know.
Tears streaming I ran up and kissed your lips,
I couldn't hold on, had to get a grip.

Your mother was screaming no my baby, my baby,
I saw her lose hope with no chance for a maybe.
Your sister came in with tears in her eyes,
I saw through her face like some kind of disguise.

When it was all over I just sort of blacked out,
I didn't cry, I didn't shout.
I was numb to the very tips of my fingers,
With a darkness inside that started to linger.

For months I felt nothing inside me but pain,
I wanted so badly to hold you again.
To hear you whisper I love you, forever you'd swear,
But then I'd reach for the covers and you weren't there.

At first I tried drinking as a way to cope,
All that got me was trouble, made me feel like a dope.
Then I found myself singing each night at the bar,
Convenient for me because I didn't live far.

The songs flowed within me, my voice raised up high,
On the stage I almost felt I could fly.
Singing "Time After Time," and "The Greatest Man I Never Knew,"
No one knowing but me that I was singing to you.

It took time but I listened to all those around me,
Giving words of advise in hopes to set me free.
Pretty soon I was living as part of the world again,
Then God delivered to me a good friend.

He knew all the right words, he knew just what to say,
He had been through it all himself back in the day.
He saw through my brick walls I had thrown on my heart,
He made me want to begin a fresh start.

It was perfect timing how he and I met,
It was a new beginning for me and yet.
I couldn't help remembering how things used to be,
When we lived our lives together just you and me.

I remembered you told me one time you were blue,
That you'd pass away and I'd find someone new.
You said that you'd always be close in my mind,
And that with him true love I would find.

I believe you picked him out for me right from the crowd,
When he was singing his songs, and singing them loud.
You knew right then that he and I would become one.
And you know I still love you, even now that you're gone.

Brandy Noelle Souza
November 22, 2011

Author's Notes/Comments: 

This is dedicated to my ex fiance who died April 1, 2008. I was with him for 10 wonderful years. I wrote this poem in memory of him & as a form of grieving & moving on. If this poem touches anyone, or helps them in a time of need like this, I am glad for it.

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It's Only Me


Comes approach of eve-

bringing glowering eyes,

where shadowy figures dwell


Fetched away by night-

through own hollow's deep,

to places evil winds do wail


Sheer madness to soul-

that throngs of horrors instill,

created one to other's kind


Shrieks! The terrifying cries-

with death riding alongside,

his faces crowding the mind


Haughty! All the many seen-

mocking fear upon their smirks,

vilest intent clearly defined


More nightmares than dreams-

and sanctity never found;

onward with hopeful lies


Trappings of worlds inside-

haunting cruelties clinging tight,

to the ends until one dies


Before me is bleakest black-

it's all this life has been,

the insanity never letting go


Falls tears to a page-

into a handful of words,

the only quiet moments I know


© C.E.Vance

Author's Notes/Comments: 

It's supposed to read like that.

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~ The Day Before YOU Die ~


I look at you and see your face
a face so tame and full of kindness
I can see that you are so weak
and y
ou really wanted to speak


I keep on watching you...
whenever I’m in your room
'cause I know I’m going to miss you
especially now that your gone



and the day before you die
I feel like writing something, don't know why
I never had a feeling it will be too soon for my tears to fall in my eye
because to all of us you say "goodbye"



after that night that I gave you a poem
and I’m heading to my Station
I pray to God that He will do what's best for you
and what's God's decision, I’m dying to know



I fell asleep so late
I keep thinking the status of your health
I keep on wishing that you’re going to wait
Because for the last time I want to be by your side
Because don't want to arrive there that you already died


 we know that you already feel so tired...

I don't want you to hear that I’m crying
I tried to keep what I’m feeling
but I just noticed that I’m shaking
I really need to let my tears on flowing



I love you so, Lola Judith
hope you feel that I really care for you
hope you know that I’m sincere in everything that I do
you're more happy in God's hands,
so I understand that you should go.


Author's Notes/Comments: 

This poem was written after Lola judith my patient back then died...she's very dear to me...and to her family.

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"Tower to the Sun"

I built you a tower, a tower to the sun,

Come away, we'll go, together, we'll run.

Made of mirrors and reflecting glass,

We leave behind a dismal past.


The cities becoming specks, atomic,

The suns soft whisper is a goddess, iconic.

As we rise above the stars,

I feel divine, void of scars.


I touch the sun, it's warmth embracing,

I feel your heart, it's savage, racing.

A world below, so madly writhed,

We become one with this light, saying goodbye.

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Look across and see the dark

The art of disappearing

Unspoken words and emotions

Too sunken for resurfacing


Into the night it creeps

Becoming harder to endure

The day light helps it sleep

But the quiet forces its pulse


And the pain just crawls deeper

Until the strength to fight is gone

When the morning light shocks the senses

Despair lingers on


Throughout the day the walls get smaller

Hallways extend far into space

Tears swell in currents

Leaving ambivalence in their trace


It reminds me of your passing

When I saw the last light of hope

I couldn’t reach to you for many reasons

None of which you will ever know


The thoughts just sit in puddles

That I pray to go away

But puddles become oceans

with no escape 


I sense its arrival

try to prepare 

even send out signals 

to anyone that is there 


But the line is left unanswered

no one can hear the call

it isn't without caring 

no one can feel me fall


By Your Hand

In depths of the heart holding your sorrowed fate-
lies a chill from the sweep of bitterest cold
Giving voice to the dreams that you'll never see,
tear defined words pass you into a darkened hold


Chamber of somber with grim shadows on its walls,
 haunt memories weeping in the midnight of days
Images sketched in warm pastels galore
mars the canvass with deceits it portrays


Promised yon past morrows - all bright starlight shines,
with facets on a whim offering more to fulfill
Played for a fool in sordid trapping's beckoned lure,
enticing charms came cast upon a weakened will


Tethered by chains directly linked to the soul
purveyor of shackles always glistened in your eyes
Grasping for hope with every offered wile,
shattered prayers on whispers now wise to the guise


Immersed in projections of a mirrored love,
returns you sought were nowhere to be found
From own hands comes end - with a last goodbye,
given to wind and skies, another spirit unbound

© C.E.Vance

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Emotional Poems

Your struggle for life
All this time
Broke my heart as if it were mine

You were strong
You fought through
Until dark fell on you
You turned black and you were gone

Now there is nothing I have to live for
But I will live strong, keeping your soul alive

Forever and always, I love you

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