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I'm here again, im whispering to myself,

"how long has it been?"

Im feeling cold, i need someone to hold,

someone too bold to scold,

but inside this cell i'll forever dwell,

I swear, this time, i'll try to get well.

A feeling of dread, filling up my fled self,

My lonliness, so breathless and reckless,

My depression, becoming my most precious obsession,

My ideals reveal a blackening burden,

My suffering, so tiring, it's almost as inspiring,

as my desiring wish for another beginning.

im lost for words, my actions are equal to guns,

you've helped me realise, how my words materlialise,

but, What the hell, did i do to deserve all of this?,

You killed me twice, and bid the price, of my demise.

but get this,

my rage is bliss, you swore i'd see a light so bright,

that i could fight this painful sight.

But all i saw was backlight of a shut tight homesite,

i'll try to stay polite, but this painful recite, might shine bright.

from day to night,

in this bed i lay, im prey to this awful day,

i'm starting to decay,

im not okay, no more delays,

I'm hurting, i keep reverting,

i hate your flirting.

I'm restless, i feel helpless,

i don't need a home, im better off alone. 

my eyes are gold, i'm so cold,

i fled, everything's red,

my head, filled with dread.

i should've behaved, now im depraved. 

i can't be sane, everything's in vain, 

caught in insanity, im stripped off humanity,

im alone in insanity.

Close my eyes, im afraid of seeing the lies and cries,

i try so hard to react, i attract and interact,

this is all an act, i won't be cracked,

this exact act is why im so abstract.

They smile and laugh, they play and betray,

and pray for a better way,

such a cliche, we're all led astray,

im drifying away from this gray endplay.

eight years, drenched in tears,

you fill my head with dread,

making me see red, you isolate me,

you've shown me hell, i can't escape this cell,

i see it on your grin,

never have i seen something so grim,

you whisper in my ear, hoping i'd disappear.

you're the aftermath of a bloodbath, a sociopath.

bleed me out, hear me shout,

don't burnout,'cause i'm about to blackout,

once a kid, my heart i hid,

then a boy, twice i ran-i'm not a man,

thrice i lied, my pride has died, i paid the price,

i'll never enter paradise.

i sit and watch broken dreams and lost memories,

people trying to exscape like a scary movie scene,

the only exscape is an illusion in thier fantasy,

only being attack in reality,

by pain,suffer, and disbelief exspecting to achieve,

getting sufficated by every breath they brief,

so far gone in the lost mind of thier own,

they became dullusional because thier mind is

so far gone

the last moment casket, skelleton, then thier bones,

for this is thier calling to return back home

a foriegn nieghbor is left on the throne,

passing judgement on everything that condome

its chaining you abusively to all your wrongs,

build your mind so it can become as solid as

a stone.

I wish I could explain exactly what and how I feel.
Human beings are stuipid that way.
We're able to feel too many things
Things that feel good and things that feel bad.
Some nights I wish I could be anything else but human.
We don't realize as people, how easy it is to break someone and crush them down to a pile of ash simply because they said something unknowingly...or perhaps lacked to say something that was important to them. 
"It wasn't intentional, i had no idea"
Something like that would be uttered out but that's human nature. Unknowing, clueless creatures.
Reasons beyond what I understand or am capable of knowing why, I may have discovered why I wish to remove my exsistance from this world. It's not that I want to live. It's that i want to live happy without being able to experience the bad things, BAD emotions.
However it can only be a dream.
Happiness is expensive.

We live in a dark dark ball
Having everyday a new brawl 
Being obsessed with a football
With our biggest concern being the mall

We live in a dark dark ball
Where many of us feel alone and small
Or surrounded by a huge brick wall
Afraid that we can't get up once we fall 

We live in a dark dark ball 
Happiness is like the stars that are only seen during the nightfall 
So rare, so fragile, smaller than a baseball 
Yet once caught light shines like a waterfall 
Destroying your somber caged wall
And you feel how your once again tall

We live in a dark dark world 
Where we forget that happiness doesn't last, not all 
It's there but disappears as quickly as if you held a snowball 
Those happy moments you can only recall
In numbness we once again fall 

Draw me with all the passion you have 
Draw me fully nude so I can be free as a bird 
Sorrowing high in the sky 
  
Draw me using the full power of your love 
Draw me with colors of hope and feelings of 
Love so no one can break my heart 
That you so carefully drew 

Don't color me with the dark colors that might 
Remind you of the sadness and Loneliness 
you’ve lived in the past 

Instead color me with the colors of bright love 
so I would change your sadness to happiness 
And your loneliness to a world full of warmth and love 

Don't draw me in the presence of the sun because 
I'm worried i might melt away along with my colors 
From this life full of enjoyment 

Draw me in the presence of the moon so those colors 
will let me come into your dreams and you will trust my 
Love to keep me by your side for the rest of your life 

17/08/2012 
  

I will Never Understand

How A Person can be so Heartless and leave what was broken...broken.

If You Cared about someone so much you would fix it....

yet..people now are monsters....they can tell you they care

the next thing you know You Got A Knife Deep Into Your Back.

Then you got the boy or girl that says they love you...

but ends up telling four other girls or guys the same thing.

I Believe in Fixing the things that are broken.

not just throwing them away.

I Try so hard to make everyone happy

but...now its just not the same...

The world is Crumbling and we are now focused on perfection...and beauty and acceptance

more than the Finances of our own nation....

We have those who are trying to outlaw abortion when really....

they need to fix themselves...

we have religious idiots who tell me what to believe in and hand me a book of rules.

with 10 things i have to go by Yes....people like me still exist...If we Live in a world of imperfections

why do people think they are perfect?

if we live in a world of happiness

then why are there people who hate and are sad?

I will never Understand.