Mental Health

home again

Home again

By JFarrell

 

The radio is the only sound

to hold back the crushing silence.

I’d call out,

But,

What’s the point?

Is it really worth the effort?

Just to hear my own voice back at me.

So, the radio plays,

LBC, a talk channel.

I’m not listening,

I’m taking comfort from the faceless voices,

Braver, than I, they speak out;

They are my company.

I am home, again, with my friends.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

i always have lbc on

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therapy

Therapy

By JFarrell

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT);

Everything is my fault;

How I behave brings it on.

Walking around, looking like a tramp, looking scared;

Well, of course predators are going to attack you.

 

Cognitive Analytical Therapy;

Everything is my fault;

I don’t think it through, so I bring it on.

I don’t think it through enough, to know a dog I’ve never seen, will be at this spot, 3 o’clock tomorrow;

So, of course, the startled dog will go for you. And so will it’s owner.

 

Mindfulness Meditation;

Everything is my fault;

You don’t appreciate this moment, now.

Because you don’t appreciate now, you will be upset when someone takes the piss out of your stutter;

Why is not OK to be angry, when someone takes the piss out of you?

 

The abuse from my mum doesn’t matter;

The violence from my dad doesn’t matter;

The being raped, when I was 6, doesn’t matter;

The bullying, the torment, throughout school doesn’t matter;

The time spent in Care doesn’t matter.

 

Therapy tells me

Everything is my fault;

I’m an adult now and should pull myself together

And take responsibility.

Everything is my fault.

 

 

Author's Notes/Comments: 

my feelings follwing my  therpy sessions

Panic Attack

Folder: 
The Darkness

the anxiety starts kicking in

i start to forget who i am

the spirit who lives inside my bones

is wandering ever far from home


this isn't who i am inside

can't even tell if i'm still alive

i share these words through rhythm and rhyme

but can't shake the feeling of being lost in time


where am i?

gotta get out

where am i?

HELP ME GET OUT


MY BODY IS WEAK AS MY THOUGHTS GO RACING

I THINK I AM DYING-

MY HEART IS PACING

BEATING TO THIS TEMPO, ALL TO OBSCENE

AM I AWAKE, OR IS THIS ALL A DREAM?


breathe slowly

NOT ENOUGH AIR

MIND TAKES OFF

INTO PIECES I TEAR


RUSH RUSH RUSH

I CANNOT KEEP CALM

INHALE, EXHALE

UNTIL THIS IS GONE


as i clench my fists

my eyes fill with tears

with an ache in my chest

i now face all my fears


running away

forgetting my story

this is my life in a panic

when i've lost all my glory


with the last crash of thunder

the storm has now passed

I return to reality

escape my demons at last

empty bottles

 

...

 

the strangest sight,

is to see a grown adult,

misplacing courage to

replace it with sadness,

holding on to a baby blanket,

filled with the holes 

of yesterday's empty promises

and stained with the tears of bitterness,

all because of a fear 

that doesn't even exist,

and a belief that if they were to let go,

there would be nothing at all,

curling up at night after 

cocktails,

clutching to empty bottles

that never live up

to the taste of warm breast milk,

and the screams 

of despair

 

...

Somewhere October 21, 2012

Somewhere October 21, 2012

Somewhere, somehow
These memories pains me so
Harder to breathe
“Let it go” they say
But it ain’t that easy
“Learn from your mistakes”
There are unresolved questions
“Move on”
How can I?
Repression: both a gift and curse
Diagnosis: Major Depressive Disorder
“They’re mistaken”
Research shows it’s Autism.
Specifically, Asperger’s

Author's Notes/Comments: 

Poem written from personal experiences and research (lots of it) To people with disabilities: hang in there

From One Admirer To Another

Dear Sir,

My apologies for the overtly stark message, but I couldn’t help but notice your previous passage. I too suffer from a similar illness, one too few can understand or witness. Ridiculous, I know, and felt for a time. Before I realized the symptom was rhyme. I thought myself crazy, strange, even insane. Especially when I deduced it came without pain. Is it a virus, bacteria, or some kind of infection? Does it tickle your iris, tibia, do I need an injection?! I’m writing you with hopes for a solution. Perhaps just another sick induced delusion. Regardless, I look forward to your letter or call.

I’m here if you need me,
Anonymous Paul
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Paul,

I must admit, I’m quite shocked to see your message. Especially amongst this metrical rhyme wreckage. It puzzles me that you come with the proposition that our unique experience is a medical condition. Alarming it was to me as well. Harming, the thought I needed to repel. Once you start to get into the flow, your heart will most certainly start to glow. It’s hip, it’s new, all the kids are doing it! One tip, a clue, its easier to submit. Fighting against it will only make it worse. Writing dissent towards it could prolong your curse. Tell me why you think it’s affecting your ability to communicate; infecting your activity. I sincerely hope this message finds you well. Feel free to reach me on my blog or cell. I await the day for your message to come. Until then my friend.

Your pal,
TUM

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